2011 Introducing myself- my story Finding Desteni, the journey to Self

When I stumbled upon my first video at Desteni back in dec. 2007 I couldn’t have imagine that it would actually be the beginning of the end of ‘me’.

I walked the world matrix quite extensively meaning I did my education, got a professional career, got into relationship, got a child, quit my job to be a stay at home mom. The journey, which led me to this life and this version of me, is the actual process I am walking, to study and investigate my accepted and allowed reality within the Desteni ‘I’ process.

I’ve been raised as a Christian yet my parents were not strict in practising their religion. By the time I was ten or so I really saw that Nope the bible and its interpretation cannot in fact be so. From there the journey of finding ‘The Truth” of me began. The LOA has been an accepted part of my upbringing; my family were very much into self-help books and psychology. I sincerely believed that it was my actual plight to live the fullest potential of me and become the best of me within the context of what I accepted as “getting the best out of me” in this life. I was a seeker and collector of experiences I wanted to experience it all one of my mantra’s was: “I only live once so I must make the best out of it here and now” Little did I know then, that yes this is so yet what one will bring into creation all depends on ones starting-point-lol

Whether it was Yoga, mediation, psychic reading’s, drugs, alcohol, clubbing, travelling etc.. I wanted to experience it all and from a matrix perspective yes so to speak, I did it all. By the time I settled down to be a mom, I stumbled upon the living application of what’s best for all, – Destonians and Practivism.

Initially by reading and watching the material what was standing out for me were the words used and the clarity within the sentences, how the message was scripted. I never heard such clear structured yet living real langue before. Which was remarkable because we all use words, so to be able to use words in such a way that all seems ‘new’ creating a platform to look at this world/reality from a complete different perspective, was mind-blowing and a call for more!

The message of oneness and equality wasn’t hard to grasp – it resonated within me as the absolute truth, which wasn’t debatable.

I was actually seeking for the truth/life we all do other wise we would be content with our current truth which is our life, each individual life is each individual truth. So when one is seeking one is living the confirmation that one’s life is a lie, common sense.

I immediately started waking with, initially through writing because in writing one gives self the opportunity to pull all hidden information about oneself which is inside to the surface, outside. Writing is an amazing tool to self.

It wasn’t an ‘easy’ or ‘funny’ or a tralalala experience I must say it took me a while to stabilise within integrating the tools of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, 4 count Breathing, Self-Corrective Application into my day-to-day living. Through being consistent in writing and applying the tools on a day-to-day basis I created a platform from where I could walk. This obvious takes time, we’ve been creating ourselves meticulously into specificity and detailed as our accepted expression over a period of time, so walking backwards in space-time in order to walk into corrective application to bring about what’s best for all, will take time and consistent self-willed application.

The forums and the blogs by fellow Destonians have been of invaluable support, I haven’t encountered such a place before where people in self-Honesty are sharing themselves, which takes a lot of courage, discipline and will power, I know from my own experiences what it takes to walk with. My visits to the farm with and without the children have given me a glimpse of what it means/will be like to manifest Heaven on Earth. while being at the Desteni Farm one can experience for a moment to live one and equal to truly support and assist each other as a group. To give All what one wants for themselves, security, safety, comfort which is currently only established and given through money, equal money will end the atrocity so we’ll create a platform from where we will value life as it should have been from the very start.

Initially I wasn’t really walking this process for myself I ‘saw’ my children and the ones yet to come I just had to act on the information and knowledge presented to me.I had to at least give me- and thus my children-an equal opportunity to see for myself what I have become and who I am within what I do.By walking with, I got to a clear and substantial understanding that what I live one and equal as expression will be manifested and the living example for all and for my children, simple!

Being a parent opens up the window of Possibilities and Grace. While interacting with Children one is forced to practically walk instantly, immediately within the moment here – lol No room for introspection, just do it!

While participating with my children, falling and standing up again became a daily living practical action!

In fact the children and the factual relationship with them have been and still is a Real wake up call, a Reality check. Reality as physical substantial manifestation isn’t up to ideas, beliefs, conditions etc..it has completely different laws. Its Direct, Here, Immediately within every moment. It’s useless to be or want to be more than the physical it has been the downfall of man, so time to stand up and walk equality for all as the change we will bring about as the real parents of this world, lets get this done!

So give yourself a reality check and walk with,- if you have the couRage!

Thank you,
Jozien

Image Frida Kahlo:Wat I saw in the Water

2011 Movie Review: Moon

2011 Closing Doors

The future prospect of fucking up again and walking into the same time loop is not preferable, so time to get Real.
And thus: Stay Real! And Be Physical!

So where am I at? And what is Here for me to walk?
Finding myself again Standing face to face with the manifested consequences= Money=Self. Standing in front of this part of me where coping mechanisms patterns starts emerging; which is here once again for me to see and realize a window of opportunity to unravel the totality of the whole pattern. So I can sort it out to not allow myself to walk into unnecessary time loops/experiences again.

Patterns as reactions towards this point:
Sadness as in: “Oh freaking shit no, I can’t handle it” yet suppressed as resonance ‘experience’ I have become this point in its totality. So no need for thoughts to accompany the experience, that’s how one could describe the resonances, patterns that are ‘thoughtless’ yet directive as principle.
Tiredness and sleepiness are indicative of the suppressed state of this point; I actually immediately wanted to sleep as it emerged yet instead I took a bath with the girls, which was great fun-lol.

“Oh no I cant handle this” needs more introspection, it’s a point of self defeat and sabotaging the point of standing all one which also is linked to the matrix of self nurturing that I’m still walking into awareness. I will dig deeper into this write this out into specificity in what I currently see and understand.

Running away: ‘Sneaking’ off to self -created back doors. Running away from walking/ facing the real experience of self, which is suppressed as the accepted habitual nature, tempting and automated to run away again from the real experience specifically related to this point. I see thoughts as back chat coming up yet very slight, it emerges to run off to someone, anything ‘better’ than facing this point head on.
Point of Self- intimacy, who am I as pattern?

I allow myself to remain Here, Solid within me, whole safe, Secure, Comfortable, Strong as Strength anchored in and as the physical walking every moment of and as Here as self commitment as me.

So actually cool! I can from here unravel the pattern, slow it down to root it out
Time to close Doors, simple!

2011 SF Self Suppression

• Sf on suppressing the real experience within: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real, raw experience within in relation to m’s arrival back ‘home’
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear m’s return back ‘home’
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from this fear /this person, from the real raw experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from what I experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny the real experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that I must strong and keep up face regardless of the real experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always must stand within every experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always have to be strong and up to the task
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny emotions of being hurt within me
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions of being hurt within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress my feelings
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I actually feel within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions as they arise
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my tears
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I experience myself in fights, arguments, backchat, cheatings, back stabbing
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the experience of myself in order to be able to survive within the system
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be strong
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being strong as suppressing the real emotions of being hurt within.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as bad
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define feelings as bad
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to categorise emotions and feelings as bad as a no- go area and therefore suppress them within myself.

2011 Mothers Children and Health Care

DID YOU KNOW?

In our world today nearly 11 million children under the age of 5 die in the world every year – well over 1,200 every hour most from easily preventable or treatable causes.

Fucked up and totally unnecessary.

When one of my kids is in pain, injured or ill, I’ll try to make them better, see a doctor, get a perspective so that the kids are able to get the required treatment and its done. I would get extensively stressed when I’m not able to solve it.

All mothers want to do exactly what I am doing, getting help for their children. Millions of mothers are not within that position. Just a simple act of care which is denied to millions of mothers and thus to their children. Medical care is a Basic Human Right, every one should have access to Free Health Care. It shouldn’t be something you have to earn or to fight for, no, it must be Given simply because we’re in this world.

Equal money will root out such allowed atrocities- in the name off free market and capitalism -to exist

2011 Mercy and Compassion is an act of Giving – Give your Vote to World Equality!

I always believed that somehow I could bypass being responsible for world events such as war, poverty, abuse, famine etc. by simple giving my attention to something else. During my educational years – studying fine arts and exploring the picture presentation of this world -I didn’t got to a clear comprehensive assertive understanding of this world/reality. Despise all the years I’ve spend within the educational system it didn’t allow me to develop and explore understanding of being in this world and through this express responsibility for all as a natural expression that’s intrinsic with being in this world/reality.

It has made me a ‘useful’ member yes, but not amember that takes responsibility for all Equally, – it’s also not what our educational system is aiming for. Educating is being used for god the system to continue and to secure its existence.

Fleeing and escaping into visual ‘beauty’ and ‘esthetics’ deliberately avoiding any political involvement or engagement made me actually  belief  that I was safe yet escaping what is Real doesn’t make the ‘boogie man’ go away. That only exist within fairy tales.

It really doesn’t make sense to perceive that what isn’t ‘in your face’ isn’t part of your responsibility, by not acknowledging our ability to response to our world we don’t even bother to ask ourselves if we hold the power within to establish change for the betterment of all. Running away from the Real Raw Physical reality has never been the solution and it will never be the solution. That’s a law within this reality, you cant jus shovel the Manifested Physical Reality underneath the carpet without unnecessary manifested consequences.

We need to be able to question ourselves from where; what; how; when and from whom we’re actually walking/running away from. This challenge will lead to ourselves again. Answering these questions and living them into alignment with what is best for all will be the foundation for the Principle of Education on how we will teach our children and the children yet to come. For them to be able to live and understand this reality so no harm will ever be done upon Life again.

If you would ask any parent in this world, and I am a parent myself – if its preferable to teach your child to walk away from the world ‘outside’ – because is too ‘hard to bare’, not ‘nice, not how you ‘prefer’ it to be, not what you ‘like’ it to be. Every parent would say NO this is NOT what you want to teach/show your child yet we’re all Demonstrating exactly this construct. Running away from the manifested consequences ‘Out there’! We walk away from what we perceive as ‘Out There’ while in essence what we see as ‘impossible’ to deal with is exactly what we live as ourselves, running away from ourselves until infinity, not facing what we have manifested within our World/ Reality.

How much more suffering do we need to create into manifestation before we had enough? Do we really need to go as far until every single child is killed, raped, molested, mind controlled, when all colored people, women, the disabled, the poor and the list goes on and on until eventually every minority= threat in name of the system to survive will be destroyed. There is no Mercy within the current system. We the people must bring back Compassion to and as the people to give what we want for ourselves.

There is a legal body=Democracy already in place that calls for each single one of us to utilize our individual single votes so we can walk the Power of the Majority into being, to bring about change Equally for ALL. We are the People, the world ‘Out There! We, you and me are the ones that are within the position to bring change! Use your Vote as an act of Giving!

Politics is Here – Democracy is Here You are Here – I am Here!

So what are you waiting for?

I’m one vote for world Equality! Join us! Equal Life foundation – Equal money for All – http://equalmoney.org/

In changing the money system – we change All else

2011 Mind Construct and Re-education

So this morning while having my daily routine with the girls I actually already actualized the decision of stopping the addiction to start my day in a particular way and the mind construct that is related to it.

We all know by now that ‘having enough’ and a decision to change what you have enough from are two different things.

So its clearly addiction, an energy addiction that isn’t serving me nor the girls or anyone else for that matter.

Interesting enough is that when I start living a decision all around me are ‘against’ this decision it’s a law within this reality. Yet I actually predicted ‘it’ to be like this – lol

So stopping participating within energy is stopping an addiction. There are many points to take on within this process- one by one. Stopping becomes then a Self Willed action. Stopping an addiction to a substance actually assist greatly within stopping engaging in mind constructs. Its in essence the same thing.

I’ve been working with mind construct for one year now and this has been a break through regards understanding, expanding and walking my process. Revolutionary I would say and everyone should work with Mind Construct as part of a re- educational program and once an One and Equal money system is in place this will be Free accessible for ALL as part of the SRA course .

The Mind Construct I’m currently re-aligning and busy walking the timeline is the Mind construct of Waking. Working with it has revealed and exposed multiple layers, automated memories that I’ve been running from my past already for years and years it’s really beyond imagination how vast the totality of the mind control is.

Really we have no clue- we are automated meat bags running on energy

So the sooner we can get our ass in gear the better so we can start with re-education All and everything about Life, existence and how the hell we ended up in this mess, within this version of ourselves. Time to get Real. Join us

Equal Life foundation- Equal money for All from birth to death – Who do you decide to be?

Learn more about Mind Constructs: ‘I’ process http://www.desteniiprocess.com/documents/Mind_Constructs_Amended.pdf

Equal money: http://equalmoney.org

2010 structural living of the word Justice

Ok

Last night I was once again looking at my sense of justice and how I have became this point, structurally living this point as me would be an accurate description.

So probably this among points also have been accelerating  ‘my ‘down fall when encountering Desteni while realizing that I’m  on the side of the abusers. I’ve been looking at this point before as I know by now that there are multiple-dimensions of a point. While walking this process I expand in understanding.

So to re- align this structural living of self within this specific point is something I have to take note off. Yet I also see that this construct has initially been  a motivator,stimulator to understand the emergency for change.

I see and understand now the polarity play out of this construct loop.I have become the structural living manifestation of this point, its quite a vast point for me.

So in need for re- alignment.

So basically what I now understand is to ‘use’ personality traits first of all to understand and become aware of its construct. And then when this initial faze is ‘done’ to re-align it with the principle of what serves all.

More on this point later

2010 Writing myself to freedom Daily writings-working with a dream

Monday 26 sept. 2010

Ok an other dream some days ago

Dream about being needy for male companionship

I arose with the feeling of being in need of a boyfriend b/c I dreamt about it.

I was in a big old house , probably it was my own house which needed a lot of renovation and deconstruction. I was walking around moving myself through rubble desperately waiting for my boyfriend to arrive. And I was devastated this experience stayed very much with me like how the fuck can I make something out of this mess without a man?

I was also carrying a child/toddler. At the moment the boyfriend arrived I saw that I didn’t actually ‘needed’ one in the first place and that I could do without.

Zina was with me as well- well the children were presence in the dream.

As I was walking around in that house I was a bit afraid as well being alone especially in relation to the house and the maintenance that needed to be done, being dependant on a an man to do the job for me. And then in the dream I already saw like ok if this is your starting point, WTF are you doing??

The minute the ‘boyfriend’ walked in I wanted the bf to be gone as well like it’s completely obsolete to be with a guy, there was irritation as well in my dream.

So wanting and desiring it and then when it’s presented itself I reject it. Ok that’s a polarity trap where one is participating within.

This mind construct also revealed it self when working with the SRA lesson-Undergarment and within the feedback from the resonances. Its the exact same construct more accurately similar yet slightly different. It’s the sequence where one is participating within before one is actually having a steady relationship. The expectation faze when one will ‘hunt’ for one and then exercise this polarity trap.

Ok I feel ‘walled’ here – I experience resistance a block/wall b/c I can’t write the point out fluently.

Ok the point is here within me. Its also one of the points that need to be re-aligned and already busy walking this specific point within the SRA/ and- resonances. I will ‘stall’ this until we get to the corrective application faze within the lessons.

So I will have a direct cross-reference and specified understanding of the point so I will be efficient within the re-alignment of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blank out when looking at this specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have full access to the information that is running as me within the structure of consciousness and experience a wall when looking into this specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand this state of blankness when looking into this specific point within myself.

Ok I see that this is something I dot want to publish in public so basically I don’t want to share this with others. So secret mind stuff so it must be a self-definition something I still hold unto to, obviously.

Fascinating is that along the way – what I start seeing and gain some insight about is that when one is clinging unto as the perceived ‘me’ ‘I’, is in essence all ‘presenting’ itself the same.One starts seeing the point/becoming aware, then start looking into the point, then a  wall of resistance is there for one to face and walk through until the alignment is completed. SRA and muscle communication are assisting with this process quite specifically and the procedures as the lessons. To speed up ones process – I actually wouldn’t have been able to walk such points without support& assistance.

So basically one can come to a point of self honesty alone yet one must have the ability to cross-reference points, the principle of “where two or more are walking in my name” applies here , other wise one can never be ‘sure’ and continues guessing and assuming about what is real.

ok will share here when more opens up

2010 Daily writings-writing out my day

Saturday 25 September 2010

writing out my day

Yeah!

Today I spend the day with the girls no fever feeling a lot better, starting to physically stabilize which is cool!

So some points that came up today while I am stabilizing. I became aware that I want to spend my weekend here with the kids, ad when I am not with them I also want to stay at home. I have been all over the place visiting a friend almost every weekend for the last two months or so. And it was very cool to be able to do so!

I felt like a relief within me not having to run from one spot to another and being in a constant unpacking/packing modus  which is not something I prefer. It brings a lot of unecessary adjustments that must be made while  I am walking now a physical process of change. So in self honestly I stay here and get physically stabilized, work through the ‘urgent’points through writing and do what practically needs be done.

So that’s cleared

Fascinating how M experienced himself while he was at my place for the first time it was almost like he was jetlagged he experienced himself completely dis orientated and me being sick I wasn’t in the position to stand as the stabililty point.

I mean I have seen ‘disorientation’ in many people when I was still working in the holiday business when people arrived they were all traumatized by leaving their comfort zone – lol

That’s how we are programmed – we first need to stabilize and I know from experience that I am most of the time am doing that very fast, its not a self willed quality so to speak it is just within my base programming. It’s also a characteristic of my blood type B- Nomads. So naturally fast to adept to new situation for survival and given that my heritage stems from Mongols it must be on the seed already. Ok this aside.

So what came up as well the kids and how I find it so absolutely accepted that I do certain things and have certain personality traits and find this normal e.g. being ok with them watching movies yet I also see emerging within this that its convenient for me so I can have breakfast or so something else without them asking for attention. I also see guilt like now I am a bad mother or asking myself whether I should do so. Well when I spend tiem with them ist always quite enjoyable. Oh I saw it within the point of them taking ballet lessons and that I am always leaving and I asked myself why don’t I stay and enjoy that time with them? Or at least ones so I know what the lesson is all about. Just a simple question, seemingly a innocent action yet It shows me that I am in certain points especially the ones I take for granted as in not taking them into account as being important- I see that I do so b/c I don’t know how I should do it other wise actually b/c I didn’t scripted this for myself and I don’t have an example. Fascinating, really.

Lou is a bit on the “I try you” and is manipulating and playing around with it a lot. Whenever I have been sick and not with the girls for some time it takes me a while especially with Lou to re-align her with me again. She’s so witty and I almost must laugh about her ways – yet not acceptable and she knows this. Yet her range of looking for how far she can stretch it is something she is exploring and expanding on big time. Sigh – lol

I called my father today and he was sounding really defeated and I became sad not as an all consuming sadness yet I was slightly there. He is going to die and he said that this time it won’t take that long any more. I could hear it in his voice he is tired, he isn’t able to get sufficient air in his lungs anymore due to his illness. And he is tired of fighting – probably better that he will leave here. I actually do not know what I experience – no words

When talking to him I felt tears in my eye they didn’t came – now they are here. B once said that when someone dies in your world you morn other wise you will get sick- it makes sense ones system has accumulated so much information around this point that it must be released. Shoot everything is an orgasm. L

My ex mother in law is sick as well she suffers from cancer she’s in the hospital already for some time now and within her I saw that she became the point of illness so completely. She suffered from breast cancer and later on lung cancer manifested as well.

Breast related to self-nurturing and Lungs to family and the illness to anger. Yeah the mcs eating the flesh through permission – quite a vast point we must walk through within this.

So while I was sick seriously sick I stopped everything called mo and he was immediately instantly taking responsibility taking care for the kids, cooking and school wise. Which I today was very freaking grateful for and I text him to let him know. He text me back and I had tears and shivers. And a emotional body release – I can observe this now through my wrist when they are burning/warm and the back of my hands. I am so freaking grateful that I have a back up in terms of practical support with the kids when I am not able to take care of them. So cool to have this support, it must be and is in essence the same with all the youngsters living at home being in many ways supported to walk their process until they are willing themselves to stand on their own feet also depending on age. So yeah also within this I expand on understanding how this is working. Also to distinguish the difference between allowing dependency from a self-dishonest starting point or from self-support, that’s within each self honest path to walk.

Today when being in the store buying clothes for Zina I was observing the way the store manager was assisting me and I became aware of a over doing myself allowing myself to get dragged along with a certain pace. So I stopped – lol .

I was actually fascinated by the way she was expressing herself it was so robotic, repetitive obsessive like really digging and loading information while she was going through the cloths racks – yep fascinating

although I like her a lot hmm

In shops I find it still very hard to do so, stopping I mean and remain here. Yet I bought freaking everything I needed! And didn’t allowed myself to go along/drift of yet stayed focused- lol

Well as long one can do so b/c the minute you step into a store you lock into the gridline structure of it and then all the jungle gyms and rods – of course this is all knowledge and information – lol

I think that dimensionally it must be high traffic with all those structures and systems. hehehe

Ok go sleep now – die well and tomorrow I start all over

2010 Letting go within the structure

Letting go steps forth as a self-willed action when one understands where one is participating within. Stops, and then actually walks into the physical correction of oneself. One prepares the way before oneself through extensive self honest introspection. Utilising self-forgiveness,writing and 4 count breathing. Letting go is a physical  action of actually correcting and aligning oneself with what’s best for all in every moment.

The mind tend to trap oneself in a belief that letting go is ‘simple’ from a mind perspective.

Yet is not considering/ willing to walk the action that is required of realigning oneself thus letting go from the structure of consciousness.

Real change takes real labour in space and time. Nothing will re-align to what serves all by itself. Only systems are running automated by itself within the structure of consciousness.

So letting go can then actually be redefined to releasing a point from the structure in space and time through self willed action/labour-e.g. writing,sf.

I see how I framed myself in this construct of “letting go” – and how we use this phrase so often for unclear reasons, like: “chill out, relax, Let it go!” while in essence we see that someone is trapped within repetitive mind frame mostly a loop. And one wants to comfort another by saying “Let it go !” Instead of practically looking at what letting go actually is all about- lol

It’s a physical action prepared through self-willed action one walks step by step.

2009 DESTENI: STRUCTURAL RESONANCE

Learn more about our structural resonance

http://eqafe.com/p/the-structural-resonance-veno

2009 Here & There

there is here as me

There is not there as me its here as me

I do not have to go there its already here as me

There is here as me

2009 Participation

Participation

Through participation in this world I have to change, it’s within the participation that I’m able to live the living words in as the physical

It’s within the participation that one must change from consciousness to awareness to become the practical living solution to walk the living words in this I realize that

it’s within participation with others where I am able to amalgamate with all other selves as me

It’s within the participation where one is able to live the corrective application it’s within the participation where the points that have to change become real as the actuality of me

Within the participation with others is where one can direct and correct ONE self immediately  in the moment

Awareness which is not yet lived as me is not valid from the perspective  that it hasn’t been lived yet as me it’s within participation  to become whole

It’s within the participation where I stand, walk, express, move as me one and equal with the participants ,the participation the whole of my being.

It’s within the participation that one is holding back clinging unto past events, knowledge and information..

It’s within the participation that I have to allow myself to be whole with the participants.

It’s within and as being part and being patient to allow myself to become  whole within and as the part that is presented to me

It’s within the part, parted from the whole that I become whole It’s within the participation that I let go of all that I know to hold on to but instead holding it as me, holding  me as the part that has parted to become whole

It’s within the participation that I take the ‘outer part’ of me and bring it home to become whole

It’s within the participation that I don’t part but give back to the whole which is me to let go of partaking of taking, parting

to let go of parting

I don’t take ‘I’ hold the part as me in until All parts are home again Whole again.

2009 Self Love

1 August 2009

The promise of the first day of the month as something new has started, the illusion of something ‘new’, something fresh, something pure.

Which is not something new, fresh or pure in fact!

The first days of depression here, I can say that its depression. Referring back to B words that we all have to transcend, spitefulness, depression and relationship as the tree major points one must walk.

I experience depression very prominent lately and it’s quite extensively as well. It goes up and down or it’s not an up and down but an outflow of the self realisations and it becomes more and more difficult the more I expose myself to me, the more I allow myself to be and become intimate with myself, the more shit is being revealed as the extensive programming I live in fact without even being aware of it because I live this in actuality. You can’t see what you are, I never could really understand this. But I see that this is a fact and that I live this in fact that what I have become.

You can’t see what you are in fact what and who you have become in fact I realize if you would see and self realize this in one moment you would actually die from grieve and shame.

I always had this thought about myself that I was very aware of myself but I’m not this has been proven to me through writing consistently every day. By reading back my writings from the last two months I see that I’m continiously living the same cycle over and over again. Without even being aware of it, not seeing the whole of it and how I‘ve become this in fact and living this as me the actuality of me.
How can you possibly see that what you are living every day?

And yes when reading back I became depressed once more. This depression is quite an experience.

To such an extend that I lie down in my bed and embrace me crying because really there is nothing else to do there is no place I can go to ‘ease’ my self-created misery.

Points to consider:
When embracing me there was specifically a point to look at a point that I’ve been applying much self-forgiveness on already in writing.

Embracing me in as the source of:
Self- nurturing
Self- love
Being gentle with and as self
Holding self

These are points that lock into mother matrix and how I, all are fucked by our mothers and then fuck ourselves and all others as self and keep running the program. It actually doesn’t matter what kind of live you have had, in essence the same construct.

Within my live very prominent – I was adopted when I was four years old and could actually never understand why mothers leave their children, giving them away for others to raise. My adopted mother never showed any affection towards me, never at all she didn’t wanted me in her live.

Going back to my depression I was lying in bed when I came to a point that i wasn’t even able to cry I was just numbed out.
I was holding me: As self love, As self nurturing, As self being gentle with me.

And then I experienced a release I was actually able to hold me specifically within the above points for the first time and the next day I was laughing about it as unlashing self-enjoyment.

I’m all above definitions of what I was looking for already and fighting against myself all this time, I am all these points in fact here as me. No need to fight against this, so that was cool to stand as the following: Self- nurturing, Self-love,Self -gentleness, Holding self, all of me.

I actually never could hold myself as these points because I was conditioned by looking for these definitions ‘out there’ not even being aware of All of me here already it, how could I have known? I was always looking for someone giving it to me.

I realize that writing consistently on a daily basis is the foundation of getting the shit in front of you and allow yourself to see and realize how extensively this existence is fucked and how extensively we’re ingrained in this reality we call life. Its even more fucked up and then I realized it was

Looking at it from the perspective as a mother I now have to live this in fact here in and as the physical in every moment of breath to realize this and to live this in fact as me. The little ones are the trigger points always and now I have to stand even when I fall I get myself up.

I am gentleness as me in fact

I am love as me in fact

I hold me all of me here in fact

I embrace all of me here in fact as the living expression of me

Zina is seeing it clearly even pointing it out to me. “Now you’re angry mommy”
Lou is already slamming doors when copying me and saying “angry” boos, boos.

Yep the flower of life which has been removed and how I’ve been programmed and then after you become 28 your living it as you in fact deeper a deeper into it until you die. Until you have completely and totally abdicated to the system. People do not grow old gracefully oh no it’s horrific to be with old people to see what they’ve become to see a glimpse of the ‘future’ you.

Ok! I am Here standing and I have two beings I’m responsible for I made an agreement with myself to walk with them as me and I have to stand for them as Life as me and for all the children yet to come.