2009 Mother,Motherhood and Self-definitions

Motherhood& self-definitions

Looking into motherhood and self definitions

Self- nurturing

Nurturing self when realized that nurturing can only come from self so nurturing is always self-nurturing

In feelings and experiences of not being nurtured enough or wanting to be nurtured by others this specific self definition point shows me what is not yet embraced as me which always brings you back to how you  experienced  yourself around your mother and the outflows thereof. Meaning how you specifically designed yourself through this self-definition point.

In bringing this back to self to embrace nurturing as you, you become it as you here

Self love

Love is actually a self definition that I lived specifically desired form my mother as following: wanting to be hold, held by others mainly my mother in bringing this self- definition of love back home to me as me holding self I’m becoming love in fact here as me

Embracing me as Love here

Being hold

As a desire, which derives from love, which is a desire, everyone, is living, everyone wants to be held by their parents especially by their mothers.

In this I realize that I’m only able to hold me as me here to embrace this rage inside that I haven’t been hold by my mother in any way whatsoever

In bringing it back to me -holding me unconditionally as me I bring it here as me

Embracing and holding me

The image that pops up with holding myself is that I hold everything here in me as me I don’t hold it as I hold a baby in my arms,no

I hold it here as me

Not there as me but here as me

In holding me all comes together, all self definitions comes together all ‘out there’ is coming together here as me

I walk and bring these self-definition points that are related to these specific experiences of myself when being a child and being a mother myself back here as me to become whole again.

TRUST (Feelings of safety)

Feelings of wanting to be safe as a baby in a womb this I can also relate back to being hold, but to be more specific I want to trust her,  which  in essence deriving from  Self-trust

 

In this I find another point that is very prominent, I’ve never been able to hold my mother as me as described above in these specific self definitions points

–       nurturing

–       love

–       holding

–       Trust

I breath in and hold my mother as me, unconditionally here as me

holding the breath I’m here

In the out breath I let go of all my self-definition points related to my mother and all outflows thereof

Holding the breath I’m here

When I see any wavering still dormant within me I know that I still hold on to self-definition points, suffering and pain

I breath in and hold her as me unconditionally here as me

Its fascinating that all we desire from our mothers what we’re not able to GIVE to ourselves we only want to Take this from others

the solution is so simple  in front of our eyes

I cant be more grateful for the children in my live, they showed me what Life is all about. Unconditionally embracing All which means unconditionally embracing all without memory or expectations without any desire for an outcome

And yet I find myself being all what I cant GIVE and want to take,

mom please forgive me

I admit guilt It was me It was always me in all ways

I forgive myself

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2009 Here & There

there is here as me

There is not there as me its here as me

I do not have to go there its already here as me

There is here as me

2009 Participation

Participation

Through participation in this world I have to change, it’s within the participation that I’m able to live the living words in as the physical

It’s within the participation that one must change from consciousness to awareness to become the practical living solution to walk the living words in this I realize that

it’s within participation with others where I am able to amalgamate with all other selves as me

It’s within the participation where one is able to live the corrective application it’s within the participation where the points that have to change become real as the actuality of me

Within the participation with others is where one can direct and correct ONE self immediately  in the moment

Awareness which is not yet lived as me is not valid from the perspective  that it hasn’t been lived yet as me it’s within participation  to become whole

It’s within the participation where I stand, walk, express, move as me one and equal with the participants ,the participation the whole of my being.

It’s within the participation that one is holding back clinging unto past events, knowledge and information..

It’s within the participation that I have to allow myself to be whole with the participants.

It’s within and as being part and being patient to allow myself to become  whole within and as the part that is presented to me

It’s within the part, parted from the whole that I become whole It’s within the participation that I let go of all that I know to hold on to but instead holding it as me, holding  me as the part that has parted to become whole

It’s within the participation that I take the ‘outer part’ of me and bring it home to become whole

It’s within the participation that I don’t part but give back to the whole which is me to let go of partaking of taking, parting

to let go of parting

I don’t take ‘I’ hold the part as me in until All parts are home again Whole again.

2009 Self-forgiveness LANGUAGE and CROSS CULTURAL RELATIONSHIPS

Self-forgiveness

My mother in law

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by anger when we’re not able to communicate effectively due to language

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that we exist in a world with different languages

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that we’re not able to communicate within the ways that we’re communicating within this reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that a large amount of people in this world aren’t able to read or write

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I’m utterly frustrated when not being able to point out the simplest things to her

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that this only increases the secret mind to think about each other instead of communicating about it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I use laughter as a way to communicate as a means to have a way of contact

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that without language I do not allow myself to stand one and equal to her within the way she’s communicating

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take the lack of language in as me instead of judging it as difficult

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that we use language as a way to make ourselves clear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I don’t understand language in its totality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I don’t understand words in its totality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that the way we talk is important in this world and a way to ‘climb on the hill’ in this reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I define people through the way they’re using language

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be hypnotized by people and their words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be confused by people and the words they’re using

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief words spoken by someone or written down by someone instead of putting trust in the living  words in application

Culture:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that we exist in different cultures with different codes and symbols to indentify ourselves with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to that I define myself through the Dutch culture

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I define her through the Moroccan culture

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that emigrants do not have the same language skills as I do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that inequality exist as our accepted nature

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be understood in the language I speak, as a way I communicate

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry, annoyed, irritated when this is not the case

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that without language and rules, structures we cant communicate with each other

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that some else is not mastering this structure of language we cant communicate effectively

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that structure exist

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that everything take times in space and time in the structure we exist in

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that even without language, without the  spoken words  we’re able to annoy, irritate each other

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that our body language says proberly more then the unspoken words we cant speak

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I’m always angry with her when she is misinterpreting the words I speak

Hmmm

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I want to be understood in the words I use

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that this is a desire to be understood

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a self- definition as wanting to be understood

What is the use of this?

Why

How

When

Who

Forgive me that I completely and utterly didn’t understand the real meaning of understanding

Understanding – wanting to be understood – self-definition of being misunderstood

Understanding- misunderstanding

The two polarities

The polarity of a self-definition

Is there a solution to this fact of two beings that are not able to communicate through language?

I breathe and I take it in as me because it’s me that I’m fighting

I do not allow myself to be consumed any longer by wanting to be understood wanting to communicate

I correct me in the moment whenever irritation comes up I remain here in and as the breath

Here as me as I am all that is here

Words do have power

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that she fears my words, my directness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I hurt her with my words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I represent the fury of language as the opposite is so well cultivated within her culture

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that she fears me when I point things out to her

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that she’s shaking when being with me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that she’s nervous when being with me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to scare her

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that she sees me as the boogieman because of the way I use language

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that language are symbols and that within using it you can either live the words you speak stand one and equal or you can manipulate, deceive others as yourself through the words you speak

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that we give language it’s power

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that when you have power and master language you have power over those who haven’t mastered language

There is still more

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as a time line of irritation about the same point instead of seeing it for what it is and release in within the moment through remaining here in and as the breath

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fall back in old patterns of ‘me’ even when I already proven to myself that this self-definition is not whom I am as Life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I didn’t remain here as breathe

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be self dishonest when it suites me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to post phone and to delay being here

WTF?

This doesn’t make sense at all

This is plain stupidity

I am allowing this irritation I am allowing this self definition so I take it in as me breath and let it go and do not allow myself to miss one breath when past patterns emerge I am here and I direct myself I do not allow any thing else to direct me them me here

I do not allow myself to be directed by words of others when I cant or am not able to stand one and equal as the words, one and equal with the words

That’s what I have to allow myself to stand one and equal as the words to take it in unconditionally as me

That NO OUTSIDE source is ever AGAIN directing me that’s how I got trapped in the first place to believe and perceive words of others as mine to FOLLOW instead of standing one and equal with and as the words

So I can’t actually say I agree because its not agreeing with another its standing as the words and in this the words are living words as me so in this the agreement that I stand one and equal as the words

I will myself to never again act out of FEAR for another, others, self

Because in fear I fuck myself its fear the fear which cuts you off of standing and being one and equal to others words and from here direct yourself as it

Standing one and equal with the words that are spoken is cool its what Alice B describes in her document which is cool it resonates within me that this is what we do and then somehow it bends into a structure a design a system and yes then you’re basically fucked cause now you belief that you are this self definition of yourself

And this actually what B said to me as well when you’re reading something just let it be you one and stand equal with and as the words. That’s what I understand now as well. I’m getting self aware of it.

Standing one and equal as the words all words, all post all people, all events because all is me where I separated myself from the whole.

I am the directive principle of me and not any external source will move me I am here stable, standing, expressing, moving,directing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring to express myself effectively not realizing that I fear being misunderstood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for knowing what I want to express and to desire a way to express this to exactly as these words to my mother in law which is actually separation because this I do not live but only know and now I desire to transfer this knowledge in a ‘ definite form’ to make sure she gets what I want to say

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring structure as a way to cope with her and my world instead of realizing that when I live this knowledge I hold her as me and in this I do not ‘need’ a structure to define communication through

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself that I want to share the words with her instead of living the words without realizing that when I am the living words, the words and me as who I am are one and equal without any structure.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have to live the words instead of sharing the words

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have to be and become the living words and in this I am one and equal with her and then the words will come as me because the words are me in fact

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I always struggle to express myself in and as the words instead of being the words, living the words one and equal

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be silent

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be utterly powerless in the search of expression myself through words instead of realizing that I was looking in the wrong direction through and in as the structure of consciousness which is already a impossibility

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that through and in structure I only limiting myself in and as structure instead of living and being the living words not of the structure but yet in the structure

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I don’t have to fear the structure

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that fearing the structure is defining myself through the structure

I am not defined by the structure

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that this structure is supporting me in seeing and facing who I am in structure but I am not structure in any way whatsoever, I am in it but not of it

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I want to express myself through limitation where there is no self as self is not limited

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to understand all instead of letting all go and in this be All

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that when I let all go I will realize all as one as me Here

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I  use reason and intellect for ‘solving’ a problem like miscommunication instead of seeing that we were never mend to truly communicate through the mind at all.

I hold her as me here

I hold the ‘problem and conflict’ as me here

I hold me here in and as the breath

I hold all the words as me Here

2009 Siblings as Extension of the Mother

LouLou is seeking for comfort and runs off to Zina when I don’t comfort her. Same as what I was always doing, I ran off to my older sister seeking for comfort. She has been pointing this out to me very clearly some years ago after I had a miscarriage and expected comfort from her. I couldn’t believe thats she  pointed this out to me. I was so angry with her because I wanted her to comfort me, to be all what I wanted her to be for me an extension of my ‘mother’.

Please forgive me for my ignorance. I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to seek comfort through the company of my sister by projecting all my perceived motherly missed attention onto her.

This has been the underlying reason the real starting point for not having contact with her for a while, some time ago. The oldest child is placed as an extension of the mother/father within the family matrix design.Hence my creation of projecting my wants needs of being in need of motherly comfort onto her. I see this very clearly now.

Its time to study what family and siblings actually are standing for to be able to realign the family unit with what is best for All.

2009 Failure and Falling and Moving on

“So I fucked up, I failed  I ‘missed’ the opportunity to transcend this specific point”
Points to ponder by B: “Do not define self by fuckups and failures”


Ok this I see is a trap as well failure as a self- definition point which contains of thoughts like: “I am a failure” ; “I always fuck up!”

Self Corrective statements:
When I fail I realize  who I am, I’m not defined through it.
When I Fuck up I allow myself to realize how I exist, I’m not defined by it.

2009 The Actuality of ‘Me’ During Domestic Fights- Arguing for my Limitation

Ok

Back to the actuality

He ‘snapped’ because me not willingly to get back to get the girls shoes.

I couldn’t breathe through it.

This wall I couldn’t ‘take’ in.

I was tempted to speak words of irritation instead of just taking it in as I do with the kids, with the little ones I do not ‘move’ in and as the mind but take it in and then there is silence. The hole in the moment me being whole and in this all self-definitions do not exist.

I didn’t I was tempted to speak, to participate without any self direction. Because I couldn’t stand the ‘wall’ I was facing, this particular experience of myself. Ok- Lets break it down!

This experience is of utter and complete exhaustion me talking to a ‘wall’ and this experience of self is something I don’t want to experience. Instead of remaining here in and as the breath I fall ok I will not be defined by failure.

First point:

I was ‘tired’ of this experience of self: Oh,- no here we go again! Same old shit, how many times have we’ve been here on this same route same path. I know where this is going to lead me! A whole day, or more days with putting up with ‘getting the cold shoulder’. No I don’t want that–>fighting it.

SF:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of this wall he’s presenting to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience to hard to bear within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight against myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape this experience of myself by removing him from my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I wasn’t able to remain here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I when I realized that he was still giving me the cold shoulder that I said get out of the car instead of not participating.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stay here within and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck this transcendence point up because I didn’t allowed myself to stay here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted by reason, arguing to fix the situation through talking ‘empty’ words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as arrogance believing that I can ‘fix’ events that I’m walking through reasoning and arguing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitation despise that I already have proven to myself that the only thing that is self directive is breath staying here as it, to live it to be it in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be tempted by words to fix myself, my world this reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that in this attempt I’m hiding my fear for what I really experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to walk through the outflow of his behavior and the way I specifically experience myself when he’s giving me the cold shoulder.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know where this path is leading to, him not speaking to me for days and me trying to fix it through reason and arguments instead of remaining here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate this experience of myself when he’s doing this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at all cost want to avoid this experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk away and deny this experience of myself and therefore try to fix it through arguments and reasoning while I know that this only makes things ‘worse’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience of myself to intense to bare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find myself in the exact same experience of self as when being with the kids and being possessed by and as anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the actual experience of myself that of  RAGE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing myself within this rage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be FURIOUS when someone/M is doing/acting this out this onto me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be treated this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to HATE it when someone is shutting of all communication with me I find it UNFAIR.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and without any means to stand up against this UNFAIRNESS and the RAGE inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so frustrated and so angry because of the perceived unfairness of someone shutting down all communication with me.