2009 Being Embarrassed- FAT and Food

Sunday 12 July 2009

After speaking with the neighbours I experienced a pain in my right arm and my right hand, they were burning. Self directing, and what else? I don’t see it now. Groins are painful as well, most prominent on the right side.

Ok, another thing I fell asleep again after waking up this morning and the girls ‘sneaked’ outside. I felt so fucking embarrassed and then I heard myself saying: “And do you enjoy yourself?” I was holding my breath because actually what I was experiencing was that I was experiencing myself exactly as when I do when I’m alone with the girls. Continuously judging myself and now when around others within the ‘outer world’ I project that onto them=outside world, it’s the exact same thing/ pattern.

And then I realized you just have to face it and see it for what it is and I thought of B and how he walked this process with his children. And my embarrassment a how I experienced myself as embarrassment and within this I started actually enjoying myself to see how I exist as this experience and I also saw that within this you make up all kind of excuses to not face yourself.

To say for instance:
“I don’t give a fuck what others think of me” as the actuality showed you already that you do care Big time.

2. Others will have all kind of judgements about my parenting skills.

3. Others would probably not find it strange that he girls were running around in the rain naked.

All ways to ‘deal’ with my experience in and as embarrassment.

Then an interesting thing happened I had a chat with the neighbours and she referred to the girls walking around naked and said “My son did the same at their age and when seeing them play we all had a good laugh about it.”
Another neighbour later on the day was telling the same thing that she enjoyed them so much playing and running in the rain.

Ok then I saw that how this input actually allows you to fuck with self and others as self. Basically how we fuck with each other.Because when you follow this path of the mind you will now have the input of others so that your experience was not valid from the perspective of others input without actually looking into this experience of yourself as embarrassment and will ‘fall’ into ‘forgetfulness’ until you will have the same experience of yourself again, over and over again. Without even knowing what the fuck is really happening.

Since I’m back from the farm I much more aware of the outer world as I have to walk through all these points and what better way then actually go out there and face myself within this world! I had a job offer and I’m consider taking it, it will be mainly be visiting clubs to see dj perform their sets and listening to dj sets and mc’s and so on. I’m listening to sets already a lot and I’m experiencing the music completely different I just see it as noise that makes you move and I listen to hear how dj’s are actually doing it and sometimes I hear real cool stuff. I enjoy myself while doing so. I will mainly be working at night with all the freaks –lol So that will be interesting.

I already had so many business meetings the last couple of weeks and my head was spinning as I totally forgot whom and how I ‘acted’ out there. It’s hectic but at the same time it’s an excellent way to see how I exist, and accelerate things.

When reading B’s “How god is creating diseases” interview I realise how body fat is information I saw clearly and that’s idd why especially women gain weight after they have given birth. I did gain a lot of weight, B already pointed out that it’s related to: what when I’m a mother and all that fear.

So body fat is information stored inside the body. I noticed that this fat is stacked, and not related to eating in any way it doesn’t matter what I’m eating I stay fat. So ill see how this will unfold, I’m still testing the blood type diet and I noticed that I’m less tired and eating less as well. Especially when I’m eating food that according to my blood type is healing then I have a cleansing immediately and I feel less heavy after a meal.

The kids by the way since we’ve been back only want to eat certain specific foods as rice, cauliflower, broccoli, and potatoes, and occasionally beef. They can eat this every day without getting ‘tired’ off it, before they were eating much fruit but they’re not really interested anymore. one or two pieces is enough.

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