Going back to an event that happened yesterday and to a non-ability to ‘react’ within myself, being incapable of directing self when R said something to me while we had an ‘innocent’ conversation.
The totality of her tone of voice and the way she was saying it made me freeze.
Did I actually mention something like that? It’s really strange; I couldn’t get a hold on it. In my perception I was ‘innocently talking=innocently playing’ and then suddenly the cold breeze of rejection, unexpected
Stranger is my reaction towards her: I freeze; I came to a standstill through shock
I couldn’t speak anymore when in my live couldn’t I speak? When in my live couldn’t I speak, did all around me give me the experience of being unable to move?
Well it happened yesterday, and it happened many times before
I realize that I experience myself as being hurt people can hurt me
Ok when do I experience myself as being hurt, it was by this comment by R.
Ok I’m aware of this I’ve observed it within myself. The next thing I do when being in a situation like that I try to ‘win’ the other ‘back’ by saying something ‘nice’. Which was a complete shocker as well to realize that I was participating within this. It’s very subtle but that’s the ‘natural’ way of ‘handling’ the situation.
Ok when I have a closer look at this I see
Being paralyzed, experiencing myself as paralyzed
Then immediately after that I ‘correct’ myself pretending that everything is fine within myself and try to gain ‘control’ again by ‘winning’ the other back on ‘my site’
This is all in 2 second time, so whenever I’m not aware of myself not being here in breathe I allow myself in this particular event to experience myself as being paralyzed by something unexpected and the ‘defense’ is already in place to gain control again.
What do I miss out here? What do I not allow myself to see?
I’m aware of the experience of being paralyzed, I do not want to experience myself this way, I suppress this within me so the ‘defense’ is already that what I’m living as ‘me’ – I do not think about it ‘I’ became this to such a extreme that ‘I’ have actually no awareness about it in anyway.
It’s the first time I’m aware of it.
Also the perception of having an innocently conversation as related to the same shock I experiences as myself when being punished by my mother or father.
Ok back to being paralyzed- what do I suppress?
I suppress the feeling of being powerless, defend less, I want/need to defend myself at any cost.
I suppress the experience of myself of being hurt
I find what ever I suppress I cant really forgive within myself
So these two experiences of myself I have to flag point
Being paralyzed by others, words and deeds
Suppressing the experience of myself, the feelings inside
I somewhere see that experiencing yourself as paralyzed is easily transformed into a fake ‘silence’ within as Bernard referred too in his document sins of the mother link
In this fake silence you’re saying Fuck you and I will not participate but in actuality you’re participating in full force. And yes you just look the other in the eye and pretend that everything is ok but it isn’t.
Not knowing how to handle it – I realize that there is only one-way to forgive this within me and in the other. There is not such a thing as ‘handling’ it. All ways of handling it will lead you to only one thing participating in that what already is playing out. So therefore I have to stop myself.
Not by participating in a ‘fake’ ‘silence’ within but by unconditional forgiveness.
All are equally responsible for that what is accepted and allowed as live and how we exist, in that we are one and equal until al points has been forgiven.
Going back to innocently playing which is transferred to for example having a conversation but I’m still replaying this as I’m playing innocently and the shock when
Where is this behavior originated?
I would say now that I put ‘trust’ in others an expectation that they cant hurt me that they will not hurt me. I’m not aware of myself.
Hmm I’m confused, not really. Its actually saying living that I’m having the right to express myself, that I’m not being hurt by someone because when someone is doing that I’m will take me by surprise and I will get confused and lost in all kind of perceptions.
Not being aware
And this unawareness I have to change within myself to have the courage to be aware in every moment of breath. When I ‘relax’ I always ‘relax’ within the mind, so from that perspective it’s always a giving in, a giving up to that what is already playing out. Real relaxation does not exist because you will only give your mind a rest to actually relax more and more in the mind as the mind, when I’m not breathing and being aware of it.
So once again being aware of the breath
My body is assisting me greatly I have an ulcer in my mouth and that always happens when I speak form the mind and being unaware of the words I speak.
Brings me to another point of small talk, ‘innocently talking’ which is not innocently at all if I’m not aware of my breath.
I better get my ass in gear when being around others!
If I ‘m not aware of my breath, if I’m not breathing I can’t see what I’m doing and I get caught up in all kind of perceptions of myself. So hereby I do not allow myself to loose myself in perception of myself.
No matter where I am I’m here
Another thing that comes up is to not understand why it is what it is why people do what they are doing; it’s not even to understand. You just forgive all others as you other wise you will be fucked with the same principle using the same principle to get even with others, to spite yourself again even when its seemingly from ‘good’ intentions. The only ‘good’ you can do is to unconditionally forgive yourself.
We are all responsible for all that exist currently, so when R is ‘hurting’ me by spiting me I breath I forgive her and me. I unconditionally forgive myself.
I do not withdraw in a fake silence- No; I unconditionally forgive her, as we are all responsible for all. One and equal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as parallelized when hearing the comment R made
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be here in the breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to first have to go through the experience before I can see what I’m doing instead of being here in every breath I take
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as paralyzed whenever my parents punished me for things I wasn’t even aware of
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that when I was innocently playing there was always a certain moment when my mother punished me for something I wasn’t aware of doing ‘wrong’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I was always afraid of going home because of being afraid of my parents and the punishment they gave me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this unpredictability of my parents petrified me, gave me a sense of helplessness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this feeling inside grew stronger and stronger until the extent of ignoring them within a fake silence within myself and called that my strength
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and perceive this silence to be ‘me’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withdraw within this fake silence as the inner strength of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to be ok as long as I’m in this fake silence were actually everyone can go fuck themselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this fake silence destroyed me and all others as me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this fake silence gave me a sense of standing up against my parents or others as in actuality I only played the ‘game’ along.
Until I release myself from this version of myself to really investigate where this specific behavior originated from.