2009 Breathing

Yesterday evening I went to bed early and I started breathing to be more exact I started breathing while being aware of the breathe and I had the following observation:
I became a balloon, I felt as a balloon I experienced myself as a balloon my chest point was warm almost a burning sensation but not painful at all.

I experienced myself as a balloon a bubble completely alone and comfortable without any on else in my experience when mostly I’m thinking about dimensions or B or S not this time. I was alone utterly alone and I was comfortable with it. There was absolute no fear at all. And every thought that came up or music that popped up I embraced it as me and was holding it putting it in my chest point.

It was a blackness where there was absolute no noise at all. I thought oh this is being dimensional but I really didn’t ‘care’ it was absolutely not of any importance to define it. I was breathing, when breathing I experienced all the physical pain inside me and how all the pain is connected to each other almost as I could see how it was connected. There was a movement from point to point even the slightest pain I was aware of. Still breathing, normally I would be afraid of anything I can’t define, or anything I didn’t experienced before but I was fearless this time and continued breathing and all the pain I was holding as me as I do with the kids when we are walking through a point, no resistance, no fight just breathing and releasing it holding it, no expectations nothing at all.

So many points were burning extensively but no fear just being here breathing It reminds me somehow of a E experience on the farm and I was thinking of S and how she assisted me back then. By simple breathing through the experience and the fear I was experiencing. I was breathing and when breathing holding the pain, putting it in my chest point here as me.

The points where burning and it felt as I was dropping falling but I stabilized breathing and then the balloon shape experience stepped forth. When I was a child this was the way I fell asleep every night, with the exact same experience of myself I become whole a eclipse shape, a balloon shape but I also remember that I at a certain point became afraid of the falling feeling and suppressed the wholeness completely.

So that’s the only experience I can relate to.

Another observation that was very prominent that it doesn’t really matter what it is was or is, the lack of defining it. I would have been outrageous before and would have defined it as special, or seeing things or something. The breathing was also different, I was breathing gentle not being afraid of loosing a breath or coughing or anything I was completely not afraid of making mistakes. The breathing was very gentle not a forceful inhale and holding breathe as a fight nope not at all. Just breathing gentle

This morning I realized that within this process and when I started to apply SF to become self honest I was always afraid of me as the mind, so very afraid and later on I became afraid of what I truly am So I’m always afraid of that what I have become and that what I can truly be.

As the women in heroes who has superpower to kill others and her hysterical way of dealing with it that’s me, that’s how I dealt with myself and my reality hysterical afraid of self, of the mind. Being utterly afraid of everything, being oversensitive towards all and everything. I couldn’t even have one single thought or I totally panicked about it.

I didn’t realized this before that I was afraid of self and the ‘I’ of consciousness, being oversensitive and within this not being able to look, observe myself within it. Yesterday I wasn’t afraid, which is for me probably the first time that I’m aware of it that I wasn’t even afraid to breathe. Within the breathing when I was falling I experience it as falling into a whole in my body, I thought ok I’ve been here before that was actually when I had my first kundalini experience I was falling and then Bam an intense ENERGY explosion through my body I was 19 when this happened and this continued for a months or so and I was very afraid, because to me It was unknown and I had no idea how to deal with it.

So the falling started and I was on my guard so to speak but in a gentle way. I was like ok I stay here within the breath and lets see what happens. Then I started to ‘see’ the points related to physical pain and it was moving through my body. Ok then the  burning stopped I embrace it as me or to be more specific I was breathing. Then one pain point remained that’s was and is the pelvic point which is always there and this became very painful, I continued breathing and the pain didn’t subside it stayed. So ok.

Maybe the best way to describe it is that it was a circular movement but very fast only within the breath I could observe it but very slight not very prominent and clear for me to see. The pelvic point is the main point and always painful, even when I’m writing its painful, but its burning as well but very, very painful. And I’m already working with this specific point for almost 3 years. So it’s a major base design of myself but I’m getting there

When I was breathing I started masturbating with my eyes open although the room was dark I thought I’m already very intimate with myself lets see where it will bring me, what will step forward?I started masturbating and I noticed that my groins were very stiff which made me immediately see the connection between my pregnancies and giving birth as it had become so tight and painful.

As I was caressing myself an my body (– I immediately ‘see’ now Loulou and her touch which is so gentle and not sexual at al, but pure as gentleness and soft as softness can be.)
I was caressing myself and stroking some areas on my chest I felt electrical charges on my back as if I was caressing my back as well. When masturbating and with every stimulation I was still breathing when I got distracted to lose myself in heavy breathing I returned to the breath and remain here my chest point was burning and I sensed an ‘alignment’ from the chest point to my genitals.

The last experience with masturbation was actually that my solar plexus was the source of the orgasm/having an orgasm cloaked by the orgasm you feel in your genitals.

This time I was breathing remaining here and when I climaxed I was still breathing quite stable I observed an alignment from the genitals and the chest point it was my first orgasm within remaining here as me it was not profound or lalalaland or anything from that matter I was just climaxing and I felt all kind of electrical charges through my skin

And I really had to laugh later because I didn’t felt abused, or empty or anything or discharged in any way. Normally I drift of when climaxing but I remained here and that was that and that was cool. Simple!

During the ‘whole operation’ when thoughts, pictures, songs came up that strangely enough were not related to sex in any way I just held them as me and breath no resistance, no fighting just breathing and the pop up thoughts disappeared.

The picture was b and S having sex and another but as a picture and not as a stimulation, so it was a flashing picture like a subliminal message. Proberly suppressed pooping up from the unconsciousness, not properly certainly. As the unconscious mind loves these random thought and things others tell you or things you hear I didn’t even see it L told me that Z saw them having sex. So since then it’s in my head, I imprinted a picture of it unto the unconscious to pop up whenever it ‘suitable.’

So the alignment in lack of better words is here I can’t say that I established this but I’ve been seeing it now for the first time which is really cool, because it tells me that sex can be something else and that the clitoris is just a button. I realize that you can have an orgasm without stimulating the clitoris at all. You can have sex without energy as a stimuli without feeding the unified field without energy drain and that sex is always sex with yourself always. Because there is absolutely no stimilation needed from the outside but I still have to test this.

I see that I still have to see, test it if this will also be the case when having sex with M and that I will fall until I stand within it. And I must say I have more stability to realize that I’m able to do so, that I’m not a slave to what is already here as the unified field but that I’m de-energizing myself, so to speak.

And that it actually is not saying or meaning a thing other than that it shows me that I am getting aware.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s