2009 Facing consequences

Facing consequences

The anxiety within M is quite intense

My realization about that I never counted him or the kids as my self-responsibility as something I would have to face, I just did it and put it aside like what ever. I actually didn’t see what ever I did and why I did that, which is really strange and it sounds strange but it actually has been this way, like I did that made that decision but never actually took self-responsibility about it. Its like I’m waking up from a dream or something, its kind of weird to explain it to myself or to write it down in words. It’s a

The sleeper has awakened. Its kind of weird that I only see realizes it now.

I never took self responsibility for my marriage with him, being together with him, it’s for me the ultimate giving in, abdication of self to this live, this live of system. And no I didn’t unconditionally forgive myself for it. It reminds me of the article of Lau Tzu- the ultimate standing for self and that what I have become through permission. It’s like looking through a dirty window, you see what is playing out but as long as you keep the window dirty you will never face yourself, see your own reflection. Its always blur and you hide behind all kind of justifications. I pushed the last 7 years of my live so far away I store it somewhere in my mind to never look at it again.

The relationship, the kids all consequences, and I thought I would get away with it.

That when I just do not think about it that it would magically disappear

The pain is almost too hard to bear and I didn’t wanted to go there anymore, but as I realize you can’t hide form your own self-truth.

This is what I did, and this is what has to be forgiven

I see so much resistance within me

I see pain and anger

I see denial and fear

I’m afraid to forgive this within myself these outflows of me the truth of me

Its not a punishment its just what it is nothing more nothing less.

And yet I can’t face myself yet, I have to sit with me and unconditionally forgive this within me

I did it many times, but not in the full awareness of my actions. I denied, and suppressed the pain, suppressed the regret, the shame and all of that

Whenever I’m on the farm my live here seem so unreal. Whenever I come back home this world and my life seems so surreal

And yet its my live, that what I created

I’m experiencing pain, and I see that it will not go away. I suffer and have to stand up from it. And I will push myself for self for life as one and equal to do so. I’m preparing myself to bring myself to that point that it’s almost too hard to bear.

That I can sit with myself and unconditionally forgive myself

It is already painful, but I see that this was evitable

I’m so ashamed

I’m so sad

Its simply showing me that what has to be faced, what has to be forgiven?

And I realize that all will face this point of such great sadness, such great shame, such suffering, cause other wise it would be so fucking pointless, There is no merciful way to get this done, there is no graceful way to get this done as Lau Tzu said, we have fallen from grace a long time ago within our deeds and our words. It’s an excellent article about our fall form grace and merci.

We allow abusing everything in existence, the air we breathe, the water we drink, and the earth.There is no simple solution any more in the wholeness of our existence we already fucked it up.

Ok so I’m looking at this whole point again and I realize that I hold on to BLAME and suppress and ignore that what I’m experiencing inside which looks like a massive ball and it feels heavy and I avoid looking into it.

Yesterday when clearing myself at the end of the day through breathing and reading body points, the pains in my body had been extensively since I returned home, I saw this denial of feelings I deny how I experience myself and I blame M for everything. The last 7 years of my live has been his fault instead of standing up, taking self-responsibility for my deeds, my words, and my inaction.

The pain

I realize that it was always I and never someone else.

I wish I could turn back time and be back before I had children, as I still do not want to unconditionally forgive myself for it

I married M because we had good sex and for nothing else, I actually gave up after we met. I just said ok this is what I’m going to do; I’ll become ea mother with this guy and wait until my life is over. That’s where it boils

And this I have to forgive within myself.

Its not him it never has been him, it’s me all about ‘me’ ‘I’ and no one else

 

Killing ideas of self so that nothing remains but self as Life.

 

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