2009 Fake Silence, Fear,The Principle of Pretence

The thing that has become very clear to me is that I get spited by M all the time in all ways possible, Since I’m back I only get the cold shoulder by not participating within the patterns he’s used to it only compounds.

It made me realize how much I suppress these feelings inside being spited by others, to get the cold shoulder, to be nothing else then an accessory in someone’s live.

Its not about blame I forgive him as me and I realize that this exactly this is what I’ve been doing with all and everything in my live.

I realize and see when people talk when they’re communicating its only spite they spitting out towards each other towards themselves. It’s everywhere.

Well it’s what it is

Its simply pointing out to me that what has become of me its has nothing to do with a point of revenge of anything of that matter.

It is what it is and it has to be forgiven unconditionally

I’m more in ‘shock’ of how things really are and the ‘blindness’ I experienced before as the normality of things.

The ‘silence’ B is revering to in the sins of the mother text is quite an interesting thing to investigate within oneself.

This silence I experienced many times, this silence where you actually are saying as you FUCK you

I realize that this silence is the point of forgiveness within, to not allow one self to go of into the patterns of spite and fuck you, screw you I will seclude myself in this little chamber of fake silence within me.

This silence is just another justification another survival tactic to hide behind, it has to be forgiven

The petrifying fear I definitely can relate to that as well

I always live in fear of being wrong, of doing wrong and this has definitely to do with my parents. I observed this within me before and mapped it out but I have to take a closer look at it once more.

I experience it when being with Mo I’m always experiencing fear when being with him, fear of doing things wrong and this originates from my parents

But how did this relate to religion?

Its fear, fear is moving me because when I was little my mother told me stuff she screamed at me she yelled at me and then this fear became dormant within myself to always live inside me when being confronted with others as in tonality or words they say or do not say> so your always walking on your toes to see what they are going to do with you because actually you are still living with this feeling of Fear of the outburst of you mother.

And because you were so used to keep silence within your self you now can fake that you are ok

Why?

Because you suppress all these feelings inside

“The fears of ‘multiple –dangers’ in the reality of Earth= transferred to you”

So when I fear this Mo what is it that I fear in actuality where does this fear originate?

From my parents and being afraid of loosing their protection?

I do not get it in its totality.

The principle of pretence

I’m pretending to be fine with my sister getting much more attention then I do, basically I was completely ignored by my mother

I’m pretending to be ok with being verbally abused, ignored by my mother

I pretended to be ok with being afraid every time I got home and my mother or father punished me out of the blue for things I apparently did to my sister

And the protection became the silence within hmmm I ‘m silent within I keep everyone just talking and I think in my head “fuck you”

Ok so now with common sense

How to go from Fuck You, from fake ‘silence’ from ‘handling’ myself, the situation to real silence, to real defectiveness, to self expression here as me —à

UNCONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS guided by breathe

The next question arises from this

How can I direct myself if I’m not willing to forgive myself unconditionally?

There cannot exist such a thing

That’s like jumping over a mountain so to speak

We always have the tendency to start, to desire the outcome without first self realize what self has to self forgive for self to birth self as life.

Fear

It comes down to fear, what is fear?

I never actually took a closer look at fear

Fear was always just something to push away as I programmed myself to be optimistic, that locks in the ways of spiritual movements to never ever invest a fear but to overcome fear to be strong, to be optimistic about it.

If I look back when fear started within my live, when did I experience fear? When I was a child I feared my parents. I always feared to do something wrong. I always got punished for things I wasn’t even aware of doing ‘wrong’. My mother punished me a lot for things. Seemingly unimportant things as doing things in a ‘wrong’ way and boy oh boy did I fear her. So yes I was always very much aware of how her voice sounded, her tonality her way of looking at me. My mother had cursed me as the unwanted child, which is really strange she couldn’t have children herself so she adopted my older sister and me. But I wasn’t her favorite child not at all.

I couldn’t do any good in her eyes.

So I feared her everyday as long as I can remember I feared her punishment

How does that locks into the fake ‘silence’ the pretence the handling of the situation?

I grew cold inside, and basically I just said “Fuck you” in my head

But there is also something missing here

So back to M again I have the same experience of myself with him, I experience fear when he’s giving me the cold shoulder when he’s not talking to me

So what’s that all about?

First there is the experience of myself as fear

Then there is blame, I blame him for being afraid of him, he makes me feel uncomfortable

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik accepteerde en heb toegelaten bang te zijn om iets fout te doen

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik accepteerde en heb toegelaten bang te zijn voor iets irreels, irreeld angsten te hebben

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