2009 Observing myself as my reality – Female construct Design

The visit of my in-laws
I realize that already some layers are transcended and the conscious reaction within have already changed
But there is more. What is prominent? I realize that I do not want to hold my mother in law as me as I do with the kids, ok this is very clear to me, what is the difference between her and my children I asked myself.

Some work to do.

What comes up and how do I live out the actuality of my system program towards them? I do not want them here.I do not want to experience myself as I do when being with themWhat do I don’t see? How do I live out that what I don’t see within the experience of myself because I live it and don’t see it? I’m avoiding interacting with them; I have no clue how to interact with them. I’m being arrogant towards my mother in law. How?: I just saw that this was coming up as me being arrogant.

Ok breath, slow myself down within the moment.

What is being revealed here?

I just blurred out to her when she was speaking to Zina and couldn’t get the words right and then she said she didn’t want to do another language course and then I said well as the girls grow up they wouldn’t be able to understand you any longer and then she said they will understand me and then I said ok you can deny this as well M just overheard the conversation and said: “Jozien”

Ok I was observing that the tension was building up within myself, ok so I slowed myself down again. Breath!

No body pains, normally I get body support on the matter but this time there was no burning sensation anywhere to be found.

Ok, So once again What do I live out as me?:
Avoidance & Arrogance

And it was running in my head, system demons; system demons. Ok how to deal with this? Breathe let ‘them’ in it show self who self is within this, take it in as you. No fear. I see that I REALLY have to slow myself down within and as the breath to see how I automatically unconsciously react ‘towards’ my reality and my world.

My father in law I was saying to him ok I don’t want the kids play with the doors and he said I’m standing here so I said I don’t want them to play with the doors what I actually want to say that I don’t want them to play with doors in general. He left he went for a bike ride. I observed guilt within me, not really prominent but that he reacted towards me as response to the words I said. I thought “ok he finds me brutal and disrespectful.”
Then I saw how that is very prominent within them all, to walk away from any confrontation in any way. I see that within them all.

Mother in law was making conversation with me and she always voicing one word which means pity in her native tongue as a response to her reality/world. She’s always pitying someone or herself in her world she can go on and on about this for hours.I always cut the conversation down by force I do not want to talk with her about it.

Every conversation leads to this one point, her kids her family and specifically her mother and that she want the kids to go to M with her. When ever I say your children are not interested going there and Y is not even going.
Then she tells me the story about that 1 million visitors are there now and I said well your generation by the younger generation is not even going that frequently anymore and their children wont go at all or occasionally.
No she said it was on television that younger people are going as well, I can’t argue with what has been broadcasted with her its her god-lol So basically I’m talking to systems without any awareness whatsoever.
Ok that’s an observation but it’s about whom I am within this all. Inside she saw a postcard about an interior inspired on m and then she is already crying.


She lives in her past utterly and completely, she doesn’t hear any thing she’s only years old and acts likes she’s 70 or so.Meaning fully ingrained and ‘dried up’ with her as a mind conscious system. It’s not about breaking through someone else but it’s about that I stand, that I stand up within self.

I observed when I’m breathing stabilizing myself here than it’s so much easier than I don’t have an ‘urge’ to talk. I noticed that I’m less talkative already I do not have that much to say when being with her.The language barrier is also an aspect that’s quite difficult. So? What the fuck is up?

Personality of arrogance and belittling immediately manifested whenever I talk to her even on the phone.
The kids were responding very much to her, as she’s always allowing everything and every manipulation is ok and I saw today that’s she is actually enjoying being manipulated because she gets attention it’s her interpretation of attention her whole being is glowing when that happens she lets that happen cause now she is having a response a reaction from them and that is all she wants, attention from the kids.

Zina is taking her chair away so that she will walk with her, she’s manipulating her with the water bottles and then granny is enjoying that from a mind perspective. Saying to granddad you see? As that is something nice.
Ok! So what does this tells me? It tells me the following: ‘Gaining’ Attention through getting/being manipulated is ‘fun’ being aware of it and doing it deliberately. I actually want to smack her by times, just smack her. Ok I do suppress this. Walking away because of not able to deal with the situation. Crying as a way to manipulate her surroundings. Crying as a way to hypnotize herself through all kind of images. Always referring to memory crying because of pictures, memories.

As I walked outside I saw this:
She’s merely representing the points that lives within me as well only more pronounced. (Question? Why can I see this/’me’ only when I see this within others)? It’s very prominent and pronounced within her. Participating within manipulation to get it her way, specifically to get attention from the girls not being aware what she actually is participating in. Manipulation. And it’s very specific: deliberately manipulating to gain attention. (I feel angered)

The denial of all everything that will question her existence and her world, to avoid and to deliberate ignore every word that is not confirming the way she wants to exist. To use feelings, emotions such as being hurt to manipulate her world=kids. To use ‘love’ as a deliberate emotion feeling to get it her way. To use tears to deliberate manipulate her world to gain attention to get it her way.


That sounds like me and my system design, only not recognised by me but it’s the same construct and very prominent in every woman. It’s the female deceiver that is prominent in every woman.
Which is strange to me as women are also the carries of the fire of life and the biggest deceivers in existence as I can really see now. Ok! I recognise it now, I allocated it now within my own reality I identified it. Another point I’ve been studying is her soul path which is gentleness and what I picked up was the thing with her that she isn’t allowing herself to get intimate with what she’s really experiencing inside she so fucking afraid of her emotions, feelings and so on that she’s always denying it always and within this she’s always ignoring herself and that what she’s experiencing inside and that causes havoc inside her and stress and illness and a obsessed devotion towards her belief.

Ok that sounds like me as well.

Different picture presentation but same design different outflow but actually in essence the same stuff.


This construct and identifying it like this I haven’t really seen before. Fascinating how you can live your life without any awareness of your reality. Shit! I see that in her because I’ve been dealing with that same shit myself and I realize now that all women are following the exact same construct within themselves and mothers are the biggest deceivers everything is more pronounced because now we pass this onto others our children.

I always thought that I was the opposite of her I realize that I’m within the marriage construct I am the same ‘person’ and participating within the exact same construct as her. Amazing! Every thing is in reverse! And this has to stop, its unacceptable.


This I have to unconditionally forgive.


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