2009 Females-Mothermatrix

june 2009

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable by seeing them and having to kiss them hello

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women compete about that’s better caring, nurturing, cooking, and taking care of their family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this is what we allowed ourselves to become

Please forgive me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe this within her and me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women compete about futile things as cleaning the house, dressing the kids, taking care of husbands

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women are cruel, spitefully, non supportive to each other and therefore in spite of Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s always observing me waiting for her moment to expose her judgment about me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she thinks that she can raise the children much better then I can

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she doubts me as a mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s judging me because I’m not a Muslim

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she judge me because I’m not Moroccan

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she judge me because I’m married to her son

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s praying 5 times a day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that the only answer she’s having to everything: I have my god

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this is what we have allowed to live as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to realize that judging her for it doesn’t make any sense either

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s dislikes me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I cant communicate with her, because her lack of understanding the Dutch language

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s always telling the children that she’s loves them, that they are perfect when I’m correcting them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s always interfering when I let them cry, lifting them up and telling them that she’s loving them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women spite each other

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that woman are arrogant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women are the carries of live and therefore feel superior to all and everything in existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that woman destroy life through spitefulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women are indirect, always trying to be polite, not voicing them selves equal and one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that woman are afraid of conflict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that woman only protect their own clan

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women are cruel towards each other

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I’m a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I hate which defines me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that woman always are judging each other by the way the look

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women are always occupied being fat, being ugly, being old, not being desirable for others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that woman are stupid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that woman are protecting themselves through all kind of ‘defense’ and ‘survival’ tactics

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that woman never tell the truth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that woman are evil

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that female are wicked, twist and turn

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women are the embodiment of spite

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women love their children, their grandchildren in spite of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that they call this love and therefore are destroying life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to be quit around my mother in law

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I got nothing to tell her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I have nothing to communicate about with her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that having her in my live is an outflow of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I didn’t take any self-responsibility for this

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take self-responsibility for her being in my live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I have to forgive her as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a bitch when being around her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge her religion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging her being a Muslim

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that with her being so strictly religious she’s limiting herself through all kinds of rules she has to obey to which I find all stupid and ridicule.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging her to pray 5 times a day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I judge her wearing a headscarf

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge her that she doesn’t shake hand with men outside her family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she is going to the mosque every week

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge her when she’s reciting the Koran

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s always talking about her god

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she believes that god will take care of us in the Here after

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she doesn’t want to eat certain kind of food, because her religion tells her so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be always annoyed by her and what she represent to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I get annoyed when Zina is praying with her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I get fucking irritated how her grandma is the proudest person in the world, while Zina is on the floor praying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s always crying, that she can only cry as the answer, response to this live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women cry when they feel overpowered

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women limit themselves by crying all the time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women use crying as manipulation to get attention

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as powerless around her, it’s already too late for her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I can’t do anything about her and the way she exist

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stand up form this helplessness- to direct me here in every moment of breath.

I stop

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I’m afraid to cry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I suppress my tears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I ignore my tears

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that she’s an outflow of what I accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that she’s showing me that what I have become through permission

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that she’s a part of consciousness as I am until all has been forgiven, until we are one as life

 

About my biological mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become exactly like her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when I look in the mirror I see her, the same pain, the same helplessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I resemble her so much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I get angry when I realize this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I abdicate to these feelings of being powerless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she also fucked up. I saw it in her eyes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s also an outflow of our acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that woman suffer in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I see this in myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I deny this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I suppress this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s an outflow of all a part of consciousness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to be like her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this is already done

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to unconditionally forgive myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to remain here in every breath

Please forgive me for all the above things and all that I participated in because of my allowances and acceptances

I take self- responsibilty

I stand up

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself that I feel overpowered by the play out

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I feel helpless

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I suppress that feeling

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that I deny that experience inside myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself that I see within me that I give up

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that I deny that I give up

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that I belief that I’m powerless

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that it’s already to late

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I can take my power back

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself that I secretly want to give up because it’s already to late

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself that I secretly don’t belief that I can take my power back to direct myself within it, to stand up from this self created misery

I do not allow myself to end as my mother

I do not allow myself to give up when looking at my mother in law

I unconditionally forgive myself for it.

I stand up from the pain, from this experience it’s already done, it’s already to late.

I direct me

I’m my own directive principle

I forgive myself unconditionally for all I’s so we’ll get it done

It’s fucking never to late

Ok bottom line of the writings, I want to give up. If I look at my body the overweight through the pregnancy’s the abdication through the system. How I look as my mother in all ways

I will not quit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at myself and see my mother, and while doing so I want to give up

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that this is an excellent window to change, to direct myself within it all.

I forgive myself

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