2009 becoming aware

31 may, Sunday

Daily writings

Yesterday I had an unexpected day together with M. We were the whole day driving from one place to another by car. While we were sitting in the car I noticed that M was experiencing anxiety bouncing in his chair, checking messages on his cell phone, calling people. I was driving and he was restless next to me.

He was circling around as anxiety, every word is then a stimulator to react to, and I observed that we were together in cycle of movement as energy.

Bouncing up and down, I said stop and I breathe. I stopped within myself I breath

Because he was looking for some kind of reaction,

Limiting myself through belief that a self-definition point is who I am

Yesterday I was driving in the car with M two beings talking heading of having an argument. What is an argument mostly about? The essence of it is:  I’m right and your wrong and the urge to convince the other of your point of view

I breathe and stopped feeding the cycle of energy between us. ‘Problem’ solved

I had to do it many times, just STOP and breathe.

What I observed secondly was that there was no irritation or any reaction within me, there wasn’t pain as I always experienced before. There wasn’t any hiding or secluding myself within a fake silence. I was breathing and had no urge to ‘defend’ my ‘point of view’ at all.

After some time I had an interesting inside, I ‘saw’ the movement of energy endlessly going on between us up and down from one pole to another. We were both feeding it by our words=information=energy.

No no no

I sat down at the IKEA because I was feeling dizzy I saw that the energy I was participating in sensed like a circulate movement endless going on and on and on. And by sensing it I became really tiered, dizzy.

There is no escape but stopping. Slowing your self down through breathing. The self will, self-determination to not longer allow oneself to go into the circulate movement of energy.

It was kind of strange to observe this energy within M, he couldn’t sit still he couldn’t just be here always running somewhere else with his thoughts and me observing and participating within it. The ‘force’ of the temptation of participating is my nature it’s so automatically that one is talking, babbling along, getting lost in all kind of perceptions of oneself and the other. Stabilizing again by breathing. Lost again by participating and then.

Stop, ok STOP. Breathe to no longer allow myself to participate. I also observed that when I don’t participate the participation of the other within the energy would not stop immediately. But it will increase when I do not feed it any longer. It was kind of hard to really push myself through it.

Cause he was really stressed out so any thing he could get his hands on to participate within his polarization was a reason to react.

The way I drove

The way other people drove

Etc etc..

I was breathing

Until he screamed “hohoho” he was actually driving for me

Then I got irritated not by him but by the fact that after 2 hours or so I got really fat up with it. I still was breathing but reacting within myself cause wtf, stop that shit and the only way I can stop is to no longer allow myself to participate within it. I stop

The circulate movement of energy is draining me, everyone.

I came to realize that when I stop I stop for self as a statement of self, as self -movement that doesn’t mean that the other will stop as well. It only means that I stop, because I make possible that’s I stop. Self-moving Self.

I still see movement within me, not movement towards M but movement because of the existence of this energy, polarization we all participate in

And therefore I forgive myself

(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that after some hours of breathing and being aware of the breath that when something unexpected happens I experience movement)

I noticed that I live an idea of self, the self that allows self to be limited.

Limited when the pressure is too much to handle.

When there is too much going on.

When there are to many things outside that are distracting me.

When I allow myself to be overwhelmed by it all.

When I allow myself to get lost in all kind of perceptions of self as anger, blame and frustration

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated when I breathe and stabilize myself but when then something unexpected happens like when I drive the car and someone is suddenly blocking the road I get so fucking frustrated within myself that I want to die- same as the tree of life interview- same thing

And then after this I gad the spiral movement realization

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that whenever something unexpected is happening I don’t allow myself to remain here as breathe

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be here as breathe

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to remain here as breathe

(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I get angry irritated with M

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I blame M for my anger and irritation when something unexpected is happening)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others when something unexpected is happening instead of remaining here as breathe, instead of directing me as breathe, instead of loosing myself in perceptions I have of self/live as self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need a ‘rest’, not ‘wanting’ to continue being aware of the breathe

(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I want to be left alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I want M to stop being so fucking nervous

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be irritated by his nervousness)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that there exists a point that enough is enough, until here I’m able to ‘handle’ it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief when I reach this certain point I can’t go beyond this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that this point of limitation exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that this point of self limitation exist

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed to push myself/ to go beyond this point of limitation and resistance

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to remain here as breathe

(I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push beyond this standard of things I can bare)

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push beyond this point of limitation as a point of limitation self created perception of self where I can’t push myself through

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I programmed myself to have a point where I cant push through/beyond

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief in this kind of limitations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live this definition of self that I can’t push self through beyond a particular point of resistance/limitation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I want a ‘break’ from pushing myself within the moment when the resistance is occurring

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself that this ‘break’ is within the breath, and the breath only

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that when I reach this certain point of what I can’t ‘bare’ I always fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I limit myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I give up; give in when I reach this point of: can’t push self beyond this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self that when I reach this point I abdicate self through the experience of self that I cant push through this specific point of limitation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I use the methodology of giving up I cant bare, this I can’t stand instead of allowing myself to push through this point of limitation

I see that I belief that there exist is a point where I cant push through because I’m allowing myself to belief that this point is real and I use justification as can’t push myself through this I just cant handle it, just not strong enough, not disciplined enough

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push beyond this point of limitation and belief, this point of being bound.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I’m bound

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I’m bound to a self created limitation of ‘dealing’ with my reality, instead of remaining here in the breath to gently push myself through the limitation I created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and belief, to live within and as limitations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I’m by doing so defending and protecting an idea of self I can’t push myself through unexpected events

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I belief in a perception of self until here I can ‘handle’ it but not beyond this point

I determine self,

I will self

To push self beyond this particular belief that I can’t remain here as breathe when challenged with unexpected things.

When challenged with unexpected pressure, when I can’t ‘prepare’ myself self or see it coming I remain here as breathe

I breathe

I remain here as breathe

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