2009 June 10 Wednesday

Whenever I’m allowing myself to get ‘lost’ in perceptions of self when being with the little ones Zina is saying: You are not mad at me? Instead of are you angry? I see that she’s stable within it. She’s seeing me and is stable I said to her no I’m angry with myself and then she’s showing it to Loulou and I stabilize. I noticed that we’re stabilizing pretty fast. It’s a gentle and unconditional push to remain here, and it as I’m always directing myself towards the children, the children come first within this all. I realize that this has established within the children they are very stable.

Zina is showing Loulou what’s going on and then we walk again.

I observe a other change as well I do not allow myself to become completely consumed by the perception of self to allow oneself to live the whole experience but to return to the breathe.

It’s a gentle push; an unconditional embracing of the entire whole as Zina and me is seeing it. The big change is that she sees that it’s my anger and that it got nothing to do with her, she’s not affected by it

And I’m very grateful that this has been established, within this she’s showing it to her baby sister and then we just move on.

When they do need correction we move very fast in terms of I correct them, they correct themselves and we walk again. No drama or resistance it’s quite simple. I show them and they show each other directly in the moment.

They are very stable and I’m grateful, that this has been established

The expression of children is unconditional and gentle, very gentle and the gentleness is opening up within me as well. The pushing and walking is gentle, within this gentleness I see a absolute stability

I’m seeing them and their expression for the first time.

Zina and me are giving each other names, all the names of people we know. Big fun! Walking backwards is also a hit atm

I’ve been orientating myself which educational system she will go to, Zina will attend school in 3 months. I choose a Montessori school it’s nearby. The building is located in a little harbor so surrounded by water, which I’m sure she will enjoy! We walked to the school today; Zina is over exited to go! Every day she’s talking about what she will take with her- cell phone-lol, food, drinks and her money.

I’m giving her now some money to spend, which is quite cool, today she bought a muffin, she got the muffin and then she took her money back!

Last Sunday we went to a birthday party of a two year old, it struck me how much this little girl was (still) in a dream state as Loulou was some months ago.

I experienced many shift on this party and at a certain point I became so nauseous that I almost had to throw up. Being in these kind of environments is not easy and actually I’m not looking for worth to do that ever again.

Kids were fine, playing and fooling around. Embracing everything and everyone on their path. Which is absolutely fascinating!

With the four of us we’re stabilizing more and more or to be more specific I’m stabilizing more and more. I realize that there is nothing to hold on to; it’s only self as the breath. Whenever I allow myself to look for something to hold on I’m thinking and not breathing. Its simple- sometimes that takes an experience and actually that takes to long-lol

So our live will change, Zina will attend school in three months. I’m placing everything as effective as possible in terms of being able to support myself practically. Which boils down to having more time without the kids, I always thought I needed to be with them for ever which is not the case, I trust that they will always return to the principle and as long as they cant voice themselves I will stand as them for them.

I realize that it is about the children and that my live is no longer, I will kill it so that the children to come which are me can have a voice in this world, all beings who are not able to voice themselves.

Parenting was never so clear to me and from this perspective in this process we are each other parents as we are our own parents to ‘protect’ us form ourselves. To be an absolute authority to oneself and others as self to not allow any BS from self and others, to not allow any dishonesties influenced you, move you, direct you, be in charge of who you are. To stand stable here always as Authority living one and equal with all, walking the principle of oneness and equality to not allow anything else then this Authority. The authority of Life

This will dictate self and all your words, actions.

I realize that many temptations are ahead to face.

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