2009 Participating

Saturday 13 June

Saturday 13 June
Yesterday M was angry with me and I didn’t withdraw myself into a fake silence within where I always withdraw I think Fuck you. I saw him being angry and yelling at me, I sat down and didn’t react at all. Not within or without.

I realized that I was always doing so

When not accepting anything less from him I have to first establish this within myself, by not reacting before I’m able to establish this I have to embrace all experiences of self first, unconditionally as me. No resistance, no self-judgment.

By responding the way I did, I found that I was not reacting and the moment the charge the energy was not being fed by me by my allowances to participate within it. It was also effortless, the only thing which was prominent was If someone is spiting you don’t participate leave the being

There wasn’t any pushing involved it was just here, it was also not an experience of any kind, or a release nothing no hallelujah bells or anything (which I was always looking at, some kind of experience, to experience silence or so)

And the fascinating thing was, I wasn’t aware of it. Later on the day I started seeing it. It’s a sense of a hole in me a I actually cant find the words to describe it.

It tells me that when I do not allow anything else then who is he is as life I realize that this start with self. Always. I’m not able to direct him or the event with voicing myself that I have proven so many times. So when I’m not stable I don’t voice myself its of no use at all.

I will live the silence within, the bubble that is reaction can go; I still remain even when I do not react but respond with silence that is lived within.

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