2009 Sins of the Mother

16 June

Today I made zina cry she didn’t understand why I was saying what I was saying.

She helped me with packing things, but she was not helping at all she stuffed all the just fowled clothes into a bag, which I wasn’t really happy about I said in a annoying voice that she shouldn’t do that and then she cried because in her reality she was really helping me out and then I started saying that she didn’t.

It showed me that this is exactly what I remember from my mother as well I did something and then she became angry with me, she was always angry with me

It tells me that this has to be forgiven

I have to forgive her and me by doing so

I experience guilt and later gratefulness.

I realize how my mother did just that, lived just that what has been taught to her. I couldn’t understand why she was always so angry always annoyed. I didn’t had any means to understand her anger, I ended up thinking that grown ups are full of anger and then I forgot about this perception and became it myself.

So, I told Zina that she just wanted to help and don’t understand why I was so annoyed by her helping me.

That was enough to make her understand, later on she asked you aren’t angry with me mom? As she’s seeing this lately that my anger got nothing to do with her but when directed towards her there is a consequence also discussed in the god of men document.

I’m so full of shit as a parent, lately I experience less pain about it I realize that its merely showing me were I’m still allowing myself to ‘loose’ myself in ideas and perceptions of self and to gain self-awareness about how I exist

As said before we all individually have to become the solution for all as all.

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