2009 Open Wound

Zina is still extremely frightened by touching her wound and when I want to remove the plaster she’s shaking all over and crying and saying ok mama ok and then she withdraw again so we breathe together. And when she’s stabilized we remove the plaster together, we stroke her finger and I kiss her thumb. She’s asking me to be gentle.

When she was lying in her bed ready for her night sleep she said thank you mommy for being so gentle with me. I was amazed by her awareness of it. Oh shit and oh yes if I need any more reason to live Life as Life as me here without any purpose other than Life I see it within these moments when I’m with the children.

When my mother in law was here I just did what I’m always doing when being with her, Zina is always playing with boundaries and how far she can go with that. Testing if I would correct her when being with others. I did so and explained all over again to Loulou to say no. My mother in law didn’t understand it and later on when I was upstairs I heard her say to Lou say No say No. Which was actually pretty cool.

Because I always feel so much tension when being with her and the kids as I’m being validated and judged according to my ‘performance’ as a mother as she is living ‘motherhood’ so fully and completely in terms of the sole purpose of her live.

I do not ‘correct’ her when she’s with the kids I merely observe what I find fascinating is that the kids are very stable and when they don’t want to hug and kiss and all other kind of things F want them to do they just say no and when she’s really persisting they run to me, so I just say they don’t want to do it. Simple!
No more words or whatever or verbal war needed.

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