When visiting my father I saw this:
I didn’t react in the ‘old ways’ I actually saw him in a ‘new’ way, I saw him for the first time. The way he reacts, that what he has become
I observe that I’m reacting towards him unexpectedly same as “the car incident” unconsciously I couldn’t ‘catch’ the point.
It’s a unconscious build up of a pattern an imprint were I’m responding to and become it live it as me
And it was irritation because of his ‘demands’, it also occurred to me that I always as a child felt this when being with him being in and as stress, experience myself as stress.
Always on my toes to satisfy him
And this event today showed me actually how I always felt in and as stress around him because that’s how he’s experiencing him self.
And yes this has been imprinted in and as me
So whenever I’m around others and experience this energy going on I experience stress within me as me and live this as me.
It always goes to a point that he wants to create havoc or a clash it can be ‘minor’ thing but it always goes the exact same way in this specific pattern
Now that he has grown old and not being able to take care of him self I have to take care of him when visiting him.
I was busy with the food and the girls and him as old people can be very grumpy about everything, the coffee is not strong enough or the food has to be this or that due to his “long emfyzeem” he’s not able to inhale enough air that is required.
Ok his physical condition is very very bad
Both related to family construct
When hearing him talk on the phone about my sister I saw and heard only on thing Spite! First telling me stuff about my sister and how she’s planning so many thing s but not doing anything at all and then he said Well its their own business
When he was talking about his brother and how his brother used him for his car and when his own car was fixed again his brother had said to someone that my father car was not really a car, so he felt offended and told us well that snot a nice way to treat people
To my surprise M said : ” “Well when you offer help you must to this unconditionally”
Then my father said “I did it unconditionally” and then we stopped talking about it.
I was seeing no you didn’t because when he’s saying something like this your help wasn’t unconditional and you don’t want him to react like this because you want him to be happy and grateful for it and your words already indicated: ” He’s only visiting me when he needs me when he wants something from me.”
I remember this form my childhood this was very prominent within my father the disappointment when being ‘used’ by others
Imprinted unto me as well, disappointment when experience feelings of being ‘used’ by others.
And this is for the first time that I see these points
Another point is that he’s always said
“Ze zoeken het maar uit” Something like they’re on their own or I don’t get involved
I will look at these imprints more closely but I have to sleep now!
M was fishing for support I couldn’t really say anything – The words were not here to direct me and them.