2009 Family- Mother in Law

Back to the question:

Why don’t I allow myself to hold her as me unconditionally here as me as I’m doing with the little ones? There shouldn’t be any difference between my kids or anyone else .That’s totally not acceptable and yet I live this in actuality

I wrote and applied already so much sf on this but its still not cleared although I realize that most of my reactions are unconsciously triggered and then lived as me

Ok there is one part that I didn’t allowed myself to look into and didn’t allow myself to embrace as me

I see a fear to become like her and this fear I don’t want to face with myself and this fear I’m fighting within and without not even realizing that this particular point is already playing out so I’m fighting and rebelling against it.

When I observe myself when being around her I realize  that I very much react towards her, it’s not even one thing which is very prominent but her whole presence

When she walks in my home to see the kids I’m already get tensed

I always thought that it was our lack of communication due to a language barrier but I also realize that much of our communication is done and translated through body language

To dive deeper into this specific point

And to be brutal self-honesty about it I hate being being with her I hate spending time with her, I hate it when she’s manipulating the kids – no not really

But I hate it when she’s complaining about her lack of being with her own daughter

I hate it when she cries

I hate it when she’s tries everything possible everything possible within a female set of rules to ‘get’ to me or to anyone in her reality

What is it that to get to me?

The way she enters the house always moaning, sighing

That’s the first thing

But ok back to my fear ending up exactly like her

Meaning

What does she represent?

The way she’s completely and utterly depending on the attention of her kids – Aaah

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I fear of that what I still have to walk

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my mother in law represents all the fear I suppress inside

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she stands within me as the fear I suppress inside

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she represents all the points I’m afraid of facing within myself namely fear of the that what I have become and what is already playing out, Fear of death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that whenever I see her I see a sick woman that ‘sacrificed’ herself for her children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I fear that I sacrificied myself to the desire of having children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she had breast cancer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I judge her for it because she caused this herself instead of realising that I’m equal responsible for the outflow as the accepted and allowed nature of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ending up like her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s completely and utterly depending on her children for her ‘happiness’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I fear ending up like her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that all mothers in this world are completely and utterly depending on their children for their  ‘happiness’

And therefore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that mothers in this world manipulate their children, they abuse crying, love and their ownership of the word motherhood and right as a mother to manipulate their children into infinity in the name of motherhood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my mother in law is taking ownership on her children and her grandchildren only because she is their mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that mothers claim owner ship over their children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this is the ultimate act of separation to exclude every one which is not from the own womb

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that females are the biggest deceivers in existence preaching and justifying their act of spitefulness with words such as love and motherhood, and intuition and god knows what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women abuse and use clothes to seduce men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women abuse and abuse makeup to seduce men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that all women are manipulating males because they can.

As I see

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to hold her unconditionally as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that this resistance towards her is me resting and fighting me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that all that I see within her is simply reflection all of me back to me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience the feelings inside when being with her and simply apply myself accordingly

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to resist looking into the fear I experience inside but instead went into complete spite towards her

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the fear I experiencing is simply showing me how I exist

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to correct myself within the moment when the inner turmoil starts boiling up

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stay within and as the breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the fear of ending up like her is already playing out

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself that the future is already here and the only thing I can do is stay here as and in the breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed to suppress all the feelings inside such as fear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear death

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear growing old

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself whenever I see women of age I see myself and that what I eventually will become and I’m completely and utterly suppress the experience inside

This is completely and utterly unacceptable

I am the directive principle of me

I see that I can change

I do not suppress what I experience inside

I’m not afraid of that what I’m experiencing inside

I’ve seen and I see what this does to people to suppress all what is living inside and the illness and the death that will come through accepting and allowing this to be lived as you in fact.

This is completely unacceptable and I will not abdicate myself  I see and realize that the actuality of me is exactly the same suppressing and ignoring the true experience inside

When I see the children with my mother in law they embrace her unconditionally. Simple

And so shall I walk the correction in every moment of

I do not accept and allow this any further

Till here it’s enough

It’s complete stupidity and only causing suffering and bs

When I look at this again I see that when ever I suppress myself extensively the kids are extremely physical with me both in their own way, Zina is just here unconditionally in her support and Lou is always touching me

So I’ve seen these two specific points

The same constructs we both participate in

And the suppressing of my fears to end up like her that’s why I don’t feel comfortable around her

This I haven’t realized before

Please forgive me for all my bs

My spite towards you

My arrogance

My suppressed fear projected towards you

As we’re all in this together and no one excluded, and I’m as much responsible for her as for me

I take you in, I hold you as me because you are me

How In fucks name can I talk about oneness and equality when I cant even hold her as me and hold these points that she’s representing to me within myself

How can I walk being able to direct me and direct others as me when not even able to hold my mother in law as me WTF?

This stops here!

I realize I see that everyone in my reality in my ‘little’ world must be taken into consideration, standing one and equal to them as me other wise I pretty much fuck myself within this all.

Its such a simple realzisation but to my shame and embarrassment I have to say that I never took her into consideration I completely and utterly denied her in my existence how fucking stupid is this. I cant even realize that this was what I was actually doing. Holy cow I’m even more fucked up and full of shit then I thought I was.

Well let’s not wallow in this stupidity any further

It stops here

The veil I will call it. The veil of self deceit

My mother in law

Ignore all and live as ignorance is bliss – WTF?

I ignored my father

I ignore my in laws

I will not ignore anyone or anything any longer

I will be here

FEAR OF ENDING UP LIKE HER

FEAR OF ENDING UP LIKE MY FATHER

FEAR OF DYING

THE FAT BELLIES

THE FAT PEOPLE

TO SEE OLDER PEOPLE,AND HOW I EXPERIENCE MYSELF  ITS FEAR OF DYING

I IGNORE THIS

GETTING OLDER ESPECIALLY IN THE MOTHERCONSTRUCT THE FAT ON THE BELLY ON THE ARMS

THE ULTIMATE STATE OF SLOWLEY DYING AFTER GIVING BIRTH I ACTUALLY GIVE UP LIKE MY MOTHER IN LAW, LIKE MY FATHER I’M WAITING TILL THE END! JUST SITTING OUT MY DAYS

Unacceptable!

After I voiced my Sf I experienced an instant release and I experience less backpain I feel lighter in my whole being. Also my pelvic floor is stabilizing its really amazing

This one point that was boiling inside of me to see how I exist triggered by my mother in law

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