2009 experience

Dream

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I was standing somewhere in a house were I was watching  a lot op people in another room came walking in and out and they all knew each other, it seemed to be a family meeting. I was standing there with my kids and felt a bit lost and not knowing what to do ok that’s exactly what I experienced these last few weeks. The room was a round shape full with round shape benches. I thought why did they construct the houses and the benches like this?

I was told that they house was much bigger and I felt impressed by the size of the house. I remember that I was looking at all these other people that were greeting the new people who entered the other room.Yep I was observing that what was going on, and I would be introduced to it as well, because I was part of the meet and greet.

Perhaps this shows me the phase I just entered with my kids and how I am re-entering the ‘system’ and feel somehow overpowered by the ‘force’ of it all.

Re-entering all these experiences inside myself towards school

Yep that could be it.

M and I both had a tough time  dealing with it; it has been a milestone so far. He went through specific memories again and so did I. Both related to just being here in a different country then where we originate from we both didn’t speak Dutch and had to learn this first and adjust to being in a new country before being able to go to school.

So the experience of ‘being overwhelmed’ and the inability to ‘handle’ it has been very prominent these last weeks for the both of us.

Zina on the other hand is quit fine and doing ok. I see that she loves to learn new things such as the alphabet; she’s already able to recognize these new symbols and being very proud of it as well.

One thing she’s very clear about she told me that almost everyone in school is running around in their heads-lol

Feelings of being overpowered angered for not being able to direct myself. Feeling helpless because of walking through this with my daughter again.

I breathe through the experiences I have of myself and see what will unfold.

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2009 adoption experience

Re-reading my SF lines I see that my whole experience of myself, the ‘me’ that is automated is definitely shaped through this experience of being an adoptee.

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I also see that I have ingrained and infused with all self-definitions, perceptions and ideas I have and had about adoption and live now in actuality

Feelings of being lost

Feeling abandoned

Feelings of not being part of the whole

Feelings of being doomed

Finding a reason a purpose why I had to go through this experience

Believing in a god out there

Believing in a big plan and so on

I don’t particularly like writing and digging into it at all, I really have to push myself to allocate and identify these self-definition points within myself related to my adoption. To address them to allocate them is self supporting self! It’s an allocation/identifying exercise for myself

I recently had this experience of myself were I was walking in town and suddenly it ‘came over me’ this feeling of being utterly lost. I see that it all stems from my adoption experience and how I shaped it into this version of myself I am currently living as ‘me’. This feeling of ‘being lost’ is not even directly related to a thought of being adopted oh no it has become an imprint I resonate it as me. ‘Activated’ throughanything a picture, a symbol, without even being able to catch the trigger point.

I specifically relate it back to being an adoptee and how my parents, my sphere of influence showed me the ability to respond to this event through the input like answers to questions about my adoption experience, by observing this world towards my adoption experience and so on and adapted and adopeted  this input as me

2009 SF-ADOPTION-being an adoptee

SF-ADOPTION

re-reading my SF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be an adopted child

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to define myself through self created self-definitions, perceptions and ideas about adoption

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that adoption exist in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to believe that this world is what is and that I must adapt and adopt to these ways as a means to survive in this world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I am a co creator of this world and it’s accepted and allowed ways.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that therefore I have become  this acceptances and allowances in fact and resonate this as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I don’t know anything about the exact date I was born

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to feel rootless because of not knowing the exact date of my birth

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to have all data about my birth and birth family in order to be rooted within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that missing out of this simple fact is making me already rootless within the system

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as rootless because of missing out of data without realizing that  through thsi self definition I allowed myself to  feed, confirm and continue the perception of myself of being rootless within the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my date of birth is not even registered anyway

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to feel angered because my date of birth is not registered anywhere

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my birth certificate is missing and that I am not filed

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to experience anger because my birth certificate is missing and that I am not filed within the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I am a missing file in the system

I forgive myself that I’ve been  accepting and allowing myself to feel frustrated because I am a missing file in the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I am filed in the image and likeness of this existence this reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I am filed in the image and likeness of this existence,this reality

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that I am filed in the image and likeness of this existence, this reality

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as rootless due to a missing file

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to desire to know the exact date of my birth in order to find out who I am so I could use this information in order to ‘complete’ my idea, perception, belief of myself

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that no document or piece of information will make me whole nor complete.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I am here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I didn’t grew up in my own culture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I didn’t grew up within my own history

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I didn’t grew up with my birth parents

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive and believe that I am utterly lost because I don’t even know the time and day, year of birth, didnt grew in my own culture, my own history, with my own parents

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive and believe that I am utterly lost because I don’t even know the time and day, year of birth, didnt grew in my own culture, my own history, with my own parents

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I’ve been ripped away from my birth ground into a family a culture overseas

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as rootless and therefore lost because of not growing up within my ‘own’ culture, my ‘own’ history, my ‘own’ cultural background


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that when I look at my parents I don’t see any physical resembles

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that when I look at my sister I don’t see any physical resembles at all.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to feel ungrounded because I didn’t physically resemble my parents, my sister my family

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing to believe that if I had grew up with my birth parents and family this feeling of being ungrounded because of lack of blood ties wouldn’t have been my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I ‘ve been accepting and allowing myself  to believe in order to be ‘whole’ and ‘complete’  I need to know my birth parents, my birth family

I forgive myself that I ‘ve been accepting and allowing myself  to believe that because this opportunity has been taken away from me so I’m fucked,doomed to search for it my entire  life.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to perceive that without this experience of growing up with my birth parents/family I am not able to be whole, complete

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I dont need to know my birth parents to meet them in the physical  in order to complete myself to make myself whole

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I don’t need to have the experience of growing up with my birth family in order to complete myself to make myself whole

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself through this believe that by knowing and meeting my birth parents I will become complete,instead of realizing myself here as life as breathe

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I am here in every moment of breathe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when I look at my parents, my culture, my reality I don’t fit in I don’t belong because I don’t share the same background as all others around me in the family structure within my culture my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing to perceived myself as an outsider because of being an adoptee

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that the culture I grew up in is placing great value in family, culture and being of the same race.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I experienced myself and perceived myself as an outcast because I didn’t shared the same family construct with all others within my culture, the society I grew up in because I grew up in a cross racial family –

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I wanted to be as everyone else within the family construct being raised by my birth parents and wanted to physically resemble my birth parents instead of growing up in cross- racial family as an adoptee

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I initially didn’t understand why people were asking me the same question over and over again because my parents have a different skin color and are of a different race then I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I’ve been looked at and approach as an exception a rarity, an exception within the ways of the family matrix the culture I have been raised in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I had to look for my birth parents through adoption agencies and that I as a person have been filed categorized into a number a file number.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I couldn’t look into the file because of rules and laws

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I couldn’t read those files and all the words others wrote about my family and me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this file was all I had to cling unto to answer burning question within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I was so angered by this system of rules and laws around adoption the ways of this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I believed that everyone has the right to know their roots where they’re coming from without walking against a wall of bureaucracy and clerks that are just doing there jobs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this resembles what I have become and accepted and allowed as me to exist as within so without

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that the anger, pain and frustration I feel and experience as myself towards this specific point in this world is showing me what I have become through permission.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that children in this world are being placed for adoption due to starvation, culture, and religion due to inequality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that cross racial children are not accepted as part of certain cultures they are born into and therefore cross racial children must be placed for adoption

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that culture and race exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that separation due to skin color, race, and culture exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that you are either ‘in’ or ‘out’ depending on the color of your skin, depending on your race, religion or culture to exist within this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that within this construct this specific programming due to race, culture, skin color exists separation exist which is that what I have become and allowed to exist within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I didn’t choose to be born into a certain culture as a cross racial child and hadn’t any means to stand my ground as a child within a culture that disregarded all cross-racial children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I as a cross racial child was abandoned by my culture, my history, my people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that within this I always felt abandoned by everyone and everything in my reality in this world and even do I experienced this on first hand I prayed to god, to something out there to adopt me to please allow me to be a child of god. Without questioning a god that would accept and allow children to go through experiences like being abandoned, rejected by the child’s culture and people due to cross racial background, skin color, bloodlines.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief and adopt and adept to what my parents, religion my culture and society told me about that god is our father and in gods hands we are all his children as an answer to my adaption experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepting and allowing myself to put my trust, my life and soul in his hands the holy father and that within this I trusted that what has been taught to me the same as has been taught to those who went before me my parents as an absolute and used it as the answer why the world exist as it is.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that god had a plan with this world and by not understanding this plan because it was beyond my reach of understanding.

And therefore I forgive myself that I never questioned my inability to understand the ways of this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I yearned for being embraced by my people, my culture, and my race

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I’ve been angered to be rejected by my culture my people because being a cross racial child.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepting and allowing myself that my culture, the culture I was born into wouldn’t allow me to enter the educational system due to my cross racial background

I forgive myself that I’ve accepting and allowing myself that my culture, the culture I was born into wouldn’t allow my birth mother to have a job other then prostituting herself due to having a cross racial child.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepting and allowing myself that my culture, the culture I was born into wouldn’t have accepted my birth family to be an accepted member of society due to having a cross racial child amongst them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that by hearing this story of me not having equal opportunity within my culture, the culture I was born into as one of the reasons I was placed for adoption I slowly but surely adopted and adapted to ‘that’s just the way this world exist’ and within this became the polarity of good and bad to exist in fact and lived this as me and adopted this as an absolute ‘normal’ acceptable way to exist as me as us.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I adopted and adapted and make the concept of ‘unfairness’ inequality my own and lived this as me in fact. Life is a bitch and so am I and that’s what happened

To never look back again, to never live the question and the answer as me

When you don’t live a question and the answer when you don’t search for the answers within you will always be sidetracked cause you didn’t live the answer and within this you will abdicate to the ways as is

Why?

Because that’s a law, the law of acceptances and allowances that will become you in fact. When you cant see the answer within a question you’re actually already adopting and adapting to the ways of this world. Seemingly, apparently you’re still looking or caring or concerned but in actuality you’re already ‘lost’ with the perception and ideas and believes of this world through acceptances and allowances to be an absolute, that’s the law of our being within the structure.

I forgive myself that my people; my culture has been programmed to belief that cross-racial children can’t be accepted as part of the established culture

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I’ve been programmed to place value onto this cultural definition of a pure clean race

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that we base these beliefs on perceptions, programs and allow and accept ourselves to abuse innocent children in this world to reject them because of their cross-racial, trans backgrounds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my culture, my people, my race didn’t accepted me because of being a cross racial child.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I and my people, my race, my culture has been programmed into this specific version by allowances and acceptances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my people my culture my race each one individually has been creating the Korean culture to exist as I am creating the Dutch culture, this culture we call life to exist all equally responsible

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that I never allowed myself to questioning adoption beyond the point of: ‘this is just the way it is, these are the ways of the world.’

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that whenever I tell my story about my adoption people get embarrassed by hearing the answer to their question and go into all kind of mindsets by saying well lucky that you have been saved, and that your parents must be good people that they have taken care of you.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that whenever I tell my story about being an adoptee others will immediately go into a mindset of yeah it shouldn’t be this way in a perfect world, and shitty things exist but good exist as well as you are the living example of it because you’ve been saved from bad and have been given the opportunity to live a ‘normal’ live.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that through repetition and hearing the same story of being saved by the system by and through others I slowly but surely adopted and adapted to the ways of this world as me and became and live this in fact

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that I always felt awkward by the response I got from others when telling my story about my background not realizing that this awkward feeling was a dimensional shift occurring where all participants would now justify and confirm the ways of this world as in bad exist but good exist as well

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to resonate that good exist in this world as an absolute because I’ve been apparently saved by the system, by good people

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that I never been able to belief that good doesn’t exist in fact because I’ve been saved by ‘good’ and within this in debt of the system and therefore couldn’t ‘attack’ it out of royalty to my saviour a good deed of man that what has saved me from a life without any opportunity

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to go beyond my limitation of believing in the ‘inherent good nature of mankind’ never questioned myself beyond the limitation of being grateful and in debt by those who opened up their homes for me, to give me an opportunity to education, food and shelter within a family.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to be angered that I always needed to be grateful for my ‘rescue’ because it didn’t made sense to me at all.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that I never lived the answer to this question as me and adopted and adapted to the ways of this world where bad and good exist

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that being an adoptee I represented in the system that ‘good’ exist and that people can be saved from ‘bad’ me as the example/proof that good exist within this world

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that I believed in the inherent good nature of man because I was seemingly saved by the ‘goodness’ of some.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that mankind is inherent good in its nature but not yet self realized and lived and self realized within this adopted and adapted to the ways of this world as me in fact where I stood as the one that believed and perceived polarity as being Life in fact not realizing that this is a lie covering up the real question that has to be asked namely why does adoption exist? Why does inequality exist?

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to not realize that we are Life in fact but not self realized and turned this into we are good in fact and therefore good deeds exist.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that I lived this belief in the inherent good nature of man without realizing that I became this through adopting and adapting to what my parents, culture and society told me as being the answer to why adoption exist within our world.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that whatever my parents, my culture, my society told me has been the standard to which I compromised myself without ever even questioning these ‘ways’.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that I fell for a lie when it was obviously so clear that when a question is answered by these are the ways of this world we never ever looked at the answer in the first place but close our eyes for everything that’s real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepting and allowing myself that my parents couldn’t give any other answer to the question why adoption exist other then: “This is just the way it is” bad things happened good things happen

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that society never could give another answer to the question why adoption exist other then “this is just the way it is” bad things happened good things happen

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that I could never give myself another answer to the question why adoption exist other then “this is just the way it is” bad things happened good things happen

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not investigate all things from a starting point of oneness and equality, because I adopted and adapted to the ways of the world as the only answer to my question and its much more convenient to have someone/others tell you why adoption exist then to live the answer for oneself only.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of that what I was actually sounding throughout my words and didn’t realized that every time I felt ‘awkward’ to sound myself sharing this point and what it represented. Not being aware what my words actually as sound were feeding and manifesting.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself that I didn’t   understand my reality, my world, this specific experiences of myself and the outflows thereof.

2009 My experience with education as a parent

product_imageMy daughter is just attending school this is my experience thus far.
The first prominent point I see when children enter the educational system and this already start when babies and toddlers entering day care is that teachers and caretakers are responding to them through dividing all and everything into ‘good’/’bad’. Praising children, responding to their actions either with ‘nice’ or ‘bad’ or other indications within the same polarity construct

Rewarding obedience with a compliment/rewarding disobedience with rejection: that’s a very nice thing to do/that’s not a nice thing to do.

What you see is what you become, being nice is something, which will be adopted and adapted as the accepted standard/way of surviving in a group within the educational system and later when you mature within society. How many times do we say each single day: “that’s such a nice thing to do or that’s really good very nicely done?”
We have been taught to program words into us as way to survive and to store our experience of ourselves into a polarity structure of mind. That’s how we address this world. The ‘game’ of winning and loosing is already introduced as well, and no one wants to stand on the losing side. All children at some point want to say and know the right answer and expect to be rewarded by the same construct/rules that what has been showed to them.

Every one for themselves can actually see how “being nice” as a reward to an individual action has screwed you with your perception of yourself especially regards interacting with others we’ve all been programmed to have multidimensional/interpretations connected to words e.g. such a simple word as nice. It starts with parents and then when we grow of age we enter the educational system and here through a new authority figure the teacher and your fellow classmates and your adopted survival techniques of wanting to be part of it, to stand your ground with no other tools then copying those around you within your sphere of influence you will program yourself to become that what you see and adopt and adapt this as you in fact.

Because really it isn’t that hard to observe this for yourself that we’re programmed to have multi dimensional interpretations connected to one word. And it isn’t that hard to see for your self when being with children that children do not understand this at all. Kids for example do not understand irony, sarcasm its something for grown ups those who already are complied (= act in accordance with a wish or command) within this specific set of rules. When a word has no physical substance to it young children do not understand what you are talking about. It’s programmed unto them by repetition through parents the teachers within the educational system and the method we use to teach them how to read as it has been taught to us and the ones that have came before us.

We force our ways unto our children, prepared already by the parents, to continue even further the minute they enter the educational system where acts of morality and polarity ‘lighthouse’ pointers of the system presented as the example as a means to stand their ground. We reward this behavior with approval because that’s all we know of, even before they are able to read they are prepared to adept to multidimensional interpretations of words/pictures/symbols in order for them to establish and adapt and adopt to morality and polarity constructs – meaning the child is developing ‘well’ within and as a system.

The current educational system is an enslavement system, for only one sole purpose to deliver proper ingrained and useful systems for the bigger system to serve.