2010 stopping

Stopping

Stopping smoking

Stopping relationships

Stopping defining myself through my hair

Stopping aligning myself with preferences above principle

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2010 From knowledge to corrective application immediate in the moment – NO DELAY

automation to application – learning a new skill

I realize that the ‘layer’ where I am looking at I have suppressed extensively within me. And that’s the bold actuality of the real me – that what I didn’t yet wanted to see into clarity into pulling the point completely through into taking REAL note of the point which I already was seeing. This is unacceptable and must be clarified, how and why, where, when, what. Or immediate go into corrective application I know that I can walk this.

Instead of ‘figuring’ everything out which is delaying in time and given myself a choice in essence thus deception subtle self-manipulation

Its what I see as knowledge but now I need to pull it through to the point of immediately living seeing/knowledge into corrective application.  Delay the time between corrective actions and seeing and make this immediate in the moment here equal and one

What assist as well is to consider equal and one the kids and me in every moment and what is in the moment what serves the greater good that what we us must manifest as such what we walk into creation. That’s what assists me to consider them to take them in as me as the expansion of me and from there speak, act, walk, breath

2010 Living the Decision in every Moment into its Completion

Walking the decision

It has been ‘tough’ to stand within the decisions I recently made and lived, now It must be done not postponing it through making the decision into an experience of myself where I am very tempted to walk into and actually walked into already– creating an experience out of the decision that stepped forth while directing myself.

So I see where and how I participate within generating energy it can be anything and also the side effects this is creating – unacceptable and I stop

I realize that the children, my children any child for that matter is the future and that the future will unfold determined by each individual action.

In a way I ‘forgot’ or was thinking that I could bypass the children b/c I was struggling, wallowing, stabilizing, drifting of again I see that I still didn’t yet make that definite infinite stand of: Here is where I am this is what I do and agreed on living and the children are the future and for them as them I need to give up ‘me’ simple as that. And in this I will stabilize myself to life this stand, in a way I see that this is how it went and looking at the past with thoughts like:

Couldn’t I have done this earlier or sooner? or if and what not and so on isn’t serving anyone and not even relevant and actually only generating energy – it is what it is make peace with it and walk on. Prepare the way before yourself so the next time one is faced with the exact same thing – one will stand and see the deception of time and choices.

Lets get it done!

It is what it is and I am grateful that I had the opportunity to see, understand and realize and now to walk to correct. I must walk into the corrective action now to finish what I agreed on living . To direct it towards the next faze I walk into which is already here. Directing it to its completeness – from breathe to breathe until its done.

The decision is made its done now directing it to its completeness and focus on the girls b/c I realize that it has been ‘them and the fear of what I had become in the point of motherhood what I wanted to avoid and its time to face it within myself: Motherhood where all sins/programs comes together. Lets walk!

I realize that there are many layers and that after, beyond every layer is another layer of deception and that this isn’t done in a ‘moment’ yet in every moment,  its done when we are all done, so it will be a life time commitment and this commitment must stand infinite as the stand I am making

2010 walking through a decision

1 May

19:29:10)resonances: Jozien – M, is still a “undefined / undecided point” within your world/reality – meaning, he’s a point that’s there, because you haven’t made an actual clear decision with regards to how/where you “want him” in your world/reality, so to speak – this is shown within that fact that, you’re still compromising in accepting and allowing yourself to allow him to make certain decisions that you feel uncomfortable towards, but you’ll “follow it” – to ‘keep him’ in your reality/world and also within that fact that – there is no clear stipulation between the two of you with regards to where you stand with each other. Thus – Jozien – you require making a definitive decision with regards to how to direct your reality/yourself in relation to him – instead of “keeping him in your world” because of fear of making an actual decision in placing him and yourself exactly within a specific point. Jozien – with regards to M, you require making a decision, assess you, your world, the children and him equally – write-down decisions and then “play them out” within yourself or on paper, with regards to how you see it manifesting within reality, and your fears within it – apply self forgiveness especially in relation to the fears, to ensure the fears don’t make the decision – but that you have within taking everything into consideration equally. Self-Honesty Jozien. Thus – when you “see you in him” utilize the opportunity of self-corrective action, immediately – you have a direct-mirror of yourself, if you stand in those pionts – you can direct him as you, but first – you have to apply yourself into and as self-corrective action.

SF
fear of making a decision
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making a dishonest decision from the starting point of fear making a decision
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision that I will never be able to correct again
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to get stuck in a decision that I will regret later.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision without realising that I already made a decision by not making one.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not have willed myself to make a decision.

Core point
Fear making the wrong decision and by this not making a decision which is also a decision
Fear of making a decision I will regret
Fear of doing something which I cant never correct again
Making a decisions – not making one is also making one
The thought: “I must make a decision” locks oneself into a construct –from directing myself in every moment from a self-honest starting point, its similar to the why instead of the how in essence the same.
Making a decision is the end point of a sequence
“Making a decision” towards something or someone will step forth while directing myself in self honesty

Self corrective statements:
I Direct self from the starting point of self honesty self directing self is a living not stagnant expression self walks into a living expression of self and then the outcome steps forth self directed as self honest expression and a ‘decision’ will unfold naturally. Simple, effortless
(in the understanding that words, actions/deeds of another being are not separated from me and within my ability of directing the other as me.)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to post phone looking into specificity into our relationship regards the way we are living together
I actually disregarded it as not a valid point within my world – yes I see how I did this If I don’t pay attention to it – it doesn’t exist type of thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded the point money and how I placed myself into specificity within this point within my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded the whole within my placement as such and only took parts of it into consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not haven all the points within the point of money and my specific placement within it to a point of equally questioning my reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not equally questioned all the points within the point of money within my reality and how I‘ve placed myself within my world.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have ‘overlooked’ this point within my world/my reality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed this point within my world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have disregarded preparing the way before me through writing the self-corrective actions before me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself when M is around and thus are disregarding me and the kids equally within this
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have not taken everything into consideration equally here as me but instead separated me from the little ones and m equally.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ‘exist’ when M is around
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately ignored feelings of being uncomfortable with his actions

Core point:
Postponing and procrastinating looking and questioning my reality into specificity from the starting point of self honesty MUST always be FLAGPOINTED. It is putting yourself on hold. Will it magically go away when I exercise putting points on hold? Its self deception its self dishonesty

Self corrective statements:
I allow myself to question everything within myself in the understanding that resisting and putting points ‘on hold’, is holding onto information=energy in my reality its not serving all so in this understanding I let it go and act immediately when a unanswered question arises.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to avoid conflict when I see a point between us that I am uncomfortable with
I forgive myself that I ‘ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when his respond is like an energetic wall of resistance where I am not able to direct myself and thus prefer to compromise myself instead of directing myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself when I do not direct myself towards his actions, words, decisions and therefore not taking myself into consideration but always submit to the feeing of ‘safety’ towards us
I forgive myself that I ‘ve been accepting and allowing myself to withdraw when I have the opportunity to direct him and thus myself equally here as me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to equalise me with his words and deeds and therefore accepted and allowed myself to stand one and equal to his dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by not directing myself and in actuality are supporting him within his dishonesties towards himself and thus towards me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief that I took this point on but in actuality I used this idea as an justification for not directing me within preparing the way before me through writing and scripting the self corrective actions.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this idea of me taking this point on within my world/reality by thinking that by believing it was enough to change me and thus us.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from m and the kids equally to the compromise I allowed within me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always play on safe while it comes to m and his decisions to avoid conflict thus submit to feelings being unable to direct me within it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by always being there for him when he needs to talk or needs support not realising that this is a one way support and that I give permission for him to do so.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to listen to him whenever he feels like it b/c I don’t want to hurt him or loose the opportunity to communicate with him
Ok this is that I take every opportunity when he’s opening up but that’s actually only when he is in need of talking so he’s directing it and not me meaning that I don’t direct me communicating with him but wait for him
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to compromise my self-direction through waiting for him when he opens up to me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have excluded M from my life and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stand one and equal as the decision to always do what’s best for all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of security
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of safety
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of stability
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself to remain within self-definitions of money, by keeping M in my world.

Core point
Not directing self and thus compromising oneself

Self corrective statements
What comes before compromising self
The opportunity to see me in him, the opportunity to direct myself in self honesty when a moment arises to direct/correct myself immediately within the moment of participating and become the correction in action while participating.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear living in a world where M will not be around
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being without money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being a single mother
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear doing the wrong thing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to sustain myself and provide for an income for the kids and me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the financial comfortably I’m currently living
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being without money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear M’s future relationships with other women
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my children to a strange woman is his future live
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear living my live without my children

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the house I am living in
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing all ‘I have’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the comfort ability of my current life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing companionship

Core point
Future projections
Loosing definitions of self
This all interlocks with other definitions I am holding towards m and money
So to remove one building block of the chain I stop the chain from repeating itself over and over again

Self corrective statements:
Fearing the future and possible outcomes can only exist within my mind – by directing myself in every moment to walk into manifesting a life that serves all I stay grounded to what is real and the outflow will step forth while I am walking into and as the self corrective actions. Then the future will be here in every breath while creating it within the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see m as the money provider
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have made m into the security point of money
So within this I can’t never stand one and equal to him b/c he symbolise the money provider within my world.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my children when m=money will not be in my world

Core point
M representing the money point within my world – totally unacceptable.
I constructed it this way b/c I live through definitions/symbols and place them accordingly in my world regardless and without consideration off the being within that placement. Unacceptable

Self corrective statements:
M is a being that is in process like everyone else – although he doesn’t walk it from the perspective as I walk it applying the tools given to me/us.
I embrace all of him equally as me and direct myself in self honesty in the consideration that he isn’t yet/always able to see what I see or have realised myself. In this understanding I walk and won’t accept anything less from him then I accept within myself in the understanding that I can only stand one and equal with what I accept and allow and agree to stand one and equal with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear directing myself as him in this point
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear going all the way

Core point
Fear of being directive principle as life as the expression of myself within the best interest of all
Fear of showing to myself proving it to me that I can really do it and be it live it without holding back no matter what.

Self corrective statements :
Self correction being directive principle from the starting point of self honesty, I allow myself to direct myself when I ‘see’ myself within others and thus have the opportunity to direct myself.
I take this opportunity as a gift to ground myself in as self direction in every participation with others until I am self directive in fact.
I allow myself to stand within the understanding that what we have become wont be solved through accepting excuses from others as me.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my children when I am not able to provide for them and me financially
Which in essence happens to my birth- mother b/c she wasn’t able to sustain for us so she placed me for adoption
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to change the way I placed myself within my world/reality and thus the placement of m within my world
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear ending up in the exact same placement as my birth mother without realizing that I already manifested this placement of myself as such.

Core point:
fear/preprogrammed inherent fear from my birth mother
fear of loosing money that has placed unto another person

Self corrective statements:
I enable self to correct the preprogrammed nature of myself and prepare the way before me by scripting myself into a placement of myself that will benefit all in this I release the money point of dependency on another and place myself as the authority of my placement
Flagpoint: whenever I tend to go into irrational fears regards my current placement I immediately correct myself by breathing and sf and I let it go and prepare the way before me

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and therefore compromise myself towards m and how I placed him within my reality
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself instead of scripting the corrective actions in front of me so that I am able to walk the self corrective action into a living application.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I cant change myself
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I will be stuck in this point forever which will be the case if I don’t change myself into a living correction of myself within the placement of myself in my world/reality
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself to an alignment that serves all because then I need to give up the belief I hold of the placement of myself within my reality and therefore need to give up feeling safe, comfortable within the current placement of M within it.

Core point
Placement of self
Placement of self within my reality/world has been deliberately done in order to have the money point in place .

Self corrective statements:
Placement of self can be corrected into alignment with what serves all- placement of self within in the structure is not serving me thus not serving all.
I will myself so align myself with life and place myself in an assisting supporting placement of self.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear going to search for a job
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to find a job
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able stand financially on my own
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to stand within this point
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fuck up again
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will make the same mistakes over and over again.

Ok this is self trust and fear of falling
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cant trust myself while preparing the way before me
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear falling in this point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to self correct myself b/c I never lived this self correction yet in fact within this specific placement of myself.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to stand within a job and will look for an easy way out again
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not enjoying the job I will find
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not having enough time to spend with my children.

Core point:
future projections of finding a job
Self corrective statements:
More on this later

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have justified staying with M b/c of the placement of him within my world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact when I am not directing myself within being together with him in alignment with what serves all I already sealed myself in failure and separation because from this starting-point we will never be equalised participants.

Core point:
giving up on self
will continue later

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel safe when everything remains as it is within my world and the placement of m within my world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created a relation where my first priority is that he’s supported from the perspective of my Status quo of ‘safety’

Safety:
Safe I feel safe within the current placement of m and myself in my world/reality
Which is a fuck up b/c how can I ever take M the being into consideration when I equalize him to a defintions of safety=money

Self corrective statements:
Safety is not within placements of people or things and what they represent as such.
I am save when I walk always in the best interest of all – then safety is when all beings are save when I walk this into a manifested reality then safety can be real for all. I am safe while walking this into a manifested physical expression of myself.

Comfortable
Its comfortable within this placement of him within my world/reality b/c I don’t challenge the definition of feeling comfortable at all and its not serving me and thus not all when I equalize the word comfort and the experience/self defintions thereof to money

Comfort
I am comfortable when I walk this path of manifesting a physical reality where all can be in a state of physical ease and freedom, free from pain or constraint.

Security
I feel secure when I am within this placement of us. So security can never been lived as a living expression of self while I align it to m=money=security.
How can I feel secure when others are subject of threat, attack- that’s not real
Security based on money is the flat-liner of self movement b/c now one never allows oneself to question ones reality
After testing if I have been specific enough:
‘Garantie’
So I only feel secure when I have a guarantee that money will be guaranteed and I will place it like that accordingly and used M for it. So security equals having money.
Geez pretty nasty stuff
Ok let it go
A Guarantee you get when you buy something to make sure that what you purchased is of a certain quality and that you get “waar voor je geld.”
So the placement of M is the quarantee in order to feel secure although I have to compromise myself to remain within this placement b/c I fear loosing it.
Hmm still not clear yet

Self corrective statements
Security can only be lived when I walk into the solution, manifesting an physical reality where non will ever be subject to threat, attack when all are secure I am secure then security is real

Stability
I experience a sense of stability within this placement. M=money=stability within myself.
Money=survival
Survival is not stability

Stability is to place myself in an effective and supportive placement where I walk into manifesting practical solutions into a living expression of who I am as the stand I’m making. Being stable is being whole within the understanding that all flows through me as me and in all I am one and stability steps forth from this understanding, then stability will manifest and steps forth from walking into a manifested solution that what serves all.

Money is required in this world to survive – to be practical about it.
I need to make money, I am in this world so I need to work with what is here in this world and walk through the allowed and accepted manifested consequence thereof to stand as it and at the same time utilize it to bring forth and manifest a equal change for all within the best interest of all.
So from this perspective I support and assist myself to make money and be practical about the point money. It doesn’t hold any other definition then what I script for myself into a corrective action,to an expression that serves all.

Afer testing through which point I haven’t been specific enough:
Security
I feel secure when I am within this placement of us. So security can never been lived as a living expression of self while I align it to m=money=security.
How can I feel secure when others are subject of threat, attack- that’s not real
Security based on money is the flat-liner of self movement b/c now one never allows oneself to question ones reality
Tested out this specific word:
‘Garantie’
So I only feel secure when I have a guarantee that money will be guaranteed and I will place it like that accordingly, Mo within the placement it. So security equals having money.
Pretty nasty stuff
A guarantee you get when you buy something to make sure that what you purchased is of a certain quality and that you get “waar voor je geld.”
So the placement of M within my world is the quarantee in order to feel secure although I have to compromise myself to remain within this placement b/c I fear loosing it.

09/05/10
Health &Compromise
How and why do I always give in when M brings the point in of health issues, being depressed?

So who is fooling who?
Who is controlling whom?
Who is directive principle here?

And for what and whom are you compromising to?
The fear of not taking him into consideration fear that you are making a mistake what’s at stake here? YOU and you alone and within this ALL
He’s deliberate in his deceit he sees and he excuses himself b/c of his health, which is valid point, but actually it isn’t. Why not? b/c he’s fooling himself.
He’s only wearing that thing during the night and during the day he wants to write about it, chuckle, chuckle bs
Why?
That’s a point of self-manipulation using this point again to use it to keep me off his back – to always make sure that he is in control that he doesn’t have to see how and what he has become in his very nature.
You see now -now you act
And yes the word health and what it triggers is a very ‘tricky’ point within you b/c that’s how you have been fooled and put aside and put on hold all your life that’s how your father manipulated you into compromising your self expression b/c you always had to be a guard first b/c of his emotional/mental state due to his depression and later on due to his physical status his heart attacks/hernia/etc. and then the circle was round. Him and his conditions was always first to consider and what he could take and handle seen his conditions and that was always a very convenient excuse to keep you out of his world. Out of his inner sphere out of zone of becoming intimate with him. He didn’t allow you or anyone else in and used his disease(s) as an excuse as a pardon that he wasn’t able to. When in fact he refused doing so he wasn’t even willing to let you in. That would have challenged everything of him and that he didn’t want to do.

You are looking here at the very same construct and you are compromising yourself, you allow yourself to compromise through the exact same construct- the exact same entry point HEALTH
Health has been programmed into you as something you may not touch may not even question in another
Same with your sister when she got into psychoses during your childhood
Fuck tears
I didn’t know that it was intertwined and so deeply programmed within me
I don’t excuse myself for compromising myself within this point – I was aware of it, but did not have clarity in any way
Illness is something I may not even question and when its is an excuse that one is bringing up while not able to participate with me I accept and agree on it b/c it has been programmed into me from early childhood.
Illness (whether physically or mentally) is a legitimate excuse and is not to be questioned ever again – the being is placed in that condition through life/a higher source/karma/god and is now subject to it and by this I have no right to question the excuse for leaving me out in the equation. So I accept it as a fact, which I am subject to.

Have my writings been sufficient about self-compromise related to health? Yes
Do I have to gather more information? No
SF –yes
SCS –yes

SF
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone is using the excuse of their physical health
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to excuse the other person when they have a physical or mental illness
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to have been programmed to not question the excuse in any way
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone tells me that he’s/she’s depressed
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone is bringing the point of health issues in as a legitimate excuse of not being able to taken into consideration
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to always give in when another being tells me that he/she isn’t able to cope with the situation b/c of health issues
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to always compromise myself b/c the other one cant help oneself through the illness one is suffering from
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that a being is subject to health issues through an outer force bigger then me and therefore I shouldn’t question the excuse of the being of not being able to ‘handle’ the situation
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to make myself subject to another ones health conditions and therefore make us both subject to the belief that’s just how it is
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that some ones health disempowered ones to take into account when being with me
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that some one health discharges them for being accountable for their behaviour
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when being with my father when he got depressed, and got serious health issues
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that when a being suffers form mental or physical health problems I am not entitled to ask the being anything b/c the health issue is always the main priority to take care of and therefore give in to thoughts as health issues are bigger then me.
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that a being is subject to heath problems and therefore
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I have no right to question a sick person behaviour b/c the person can not held accountable b/c the person has been placed in that position and didn’t asked for that position so I am not entitled to move myself in any way but compromise towards the health issue and excuse the person for his behaviour towards me b/c of the persons illness.
And therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always compromise myself within excusing the beings behaviour b/c the being cant held accountable for its behaviour due to illness and therefore I disempower the opportunity to direct myself within the beings behaviour and me equally.

Behaviour that got nothing to do with the illness is excused as an outflow of the illness and therefore not to be questioned in any way and therefore I accept and allow such behaviour in the being and within me equally and now agree on that excuse as being a valid excuse b/c the being cant be held accountable for its actions/words b/c of the authority of the illness.

Geez that has screwed me big time since I was a kid
First my father he got depressed to such an extend that he had severe therapy and had to quit his job he couldn’t function anymore I was 5 or 6
After this, mental illness became a the big thing within our home
Then my sister got into a psychoses she almost died it was hectic and intense I was 12 years old
Then we all got counselling and everything, conflicts, fights always something we could fix through counselling
Then my mother died and we labelled her :mentality ill she couldn’t been held accountable for her actions – so forget about it- it was common to say- we couldn’t do anything about it
What a fucking mess and always Health issues no one could been held accountable for themselves b/c we were all mentally or physically ill and we all need counselling for our mental health to get healthy thus sane thus accountable for oneself.
Such deception

Corrective statement:
I do not accept and allow myself to compromise myself to agree on: when ‘Health issues’ either mentally or physically will be brought up as an excuse for ones behaviour and therefore one is being excused/not accountable for ones actions/words/deeds.
I see the excuse: don’t count me in due to health issues I cant be held accountable –and agree on this excuse and thus compromising myself equally with them.
This is not serving me and therefore I let it go.
Whenever I tend to go into it by only hearing words such as HEALTH, ILLNESS, DEPRESSION I flag point it and I let it go.
Ok that’s it

Is this session done? Yes
is my sf sufficient? Yes

it tested out to integrate this into a mind construct on relationships

2010 SRA Session- 11/01/10

SRA Session- 11/01/10
Writings:

Word Definitions
The outer world

Everything outside the family: Family (Gezin)
The World – Adding one letter- word

“I am the living word”
“In the beginning was the word and the word was god and with god”
Now:
What has the world become?
What have I become?
-I fear the world
-I judge the world
– I defined the outer- world and live the definition as me in fact- I became the definition thereof

I separated the outer world ( buitenwereld) from me
Within my definition of the outer world I separated that from me
Inner world – Outer world→ one world→ words=signs=sin=system
So this creates multiple definitions of the word: World.
-Outer world
-Inner world

How do I define the ‘outer’ world at this stage at this moment within my life?
Outer world=School, parents = system=god

Embracing the outer world as me in the realisation that the outer world is my own created reality.
The experience and the definition of this world – outer world is already a point of separation wherein I placed the outer world and thus my experience as something that:
– Got nothing to do with me
– I’m not responsible for
– I do not understand
– Is more then me – and the polarity thereof is less then me

Whenever I experience the ‘Outer’ World I bring it back to Here as me within the realisation that it is me and therefore part of me and this part I bring home back to me.
Shaving my hair off accelerated – (no more waiting) the experience of myself within this specific point.
When all words are equal and one as me only the word exist, one word exist that’s aligned with what serves all participants.

The outer world
School
Parents
= The system= god

Parents:
– the shoulders of the system
– Parents=pillars of the world system= god
– (Op de schouders van je ouders staan)
– (Ouders – schouders)
– Parents – brings forth

That what holds everything together

School:
Jorn mentioned: School=god – where I saw parents =school=system=god

Being a parent, I am one of these pillars myself! Now to stand as that pillar in and as it bringing it back home to me.
So to realise that all parents – I hold them all within me being a parent myself. That what ‘other’ Parents represent I hold as well, is within me as well -→ the pillar of the system=serving god

Word definition
School
How would I place the word school? How did I define school?
School I would say is the first sacrifice you make as a parent→ you ‘give’ your children away to the world system, the first step out of the house=family into the world
Every parent in this world knows this somewhere within their being. They as I feel helpless, powerless and so on once faced with it.
And all parents compensate by doing the ‘best’ we can, as I did – by serving the system by playing the game following the rules. Believing that we then deserve a good ‘spot’ within the system by serving the system. Within the context and framework of consciousness.

SF:
I forgive myself for having defined an ‘inner’(=family) world and an outer world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have separated the outer world from my inner world, which are the kids, Mo and I- the family unit.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik accepteerde en heb toegelaten het woord buiten wereld te hebben afgescheiden van mijzelf hier.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik accepteerde en heb toegelaten de ouders op de school van ZIna als de ‘buiten’ wereld te zien en hierdoor het woord buitenwereld feitelijk leefde
En daarom vergeef ik mijzelf dat ik het woord ‘Buitenwereld’ buiten mijzelf zag en feitelijk leefde dus een binnen wereld heb gecreeerd die bestaat uit het gezin- ‘familie eenheid’ (kids&mo en mijzelf )

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the system, the parents of Zina’s classmates as something that was outside of me, bigger then me, stronger then me, less then me, more then me. Instead of realising that the representatives of the system are created by me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I haven’t realized that what I fear is what I’ve create myself and therefore I forgive myself that I didn’t understand that what I’ve been creating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own creation because I do not understand this reality in its manifested form and the outflows of my participation.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize and understand what parents=system were actually representing to me.

The outside is me, the parents of Zina’s classmates are representatives off the system=god. To fear or to judge or in anyway react towards this= lack of understanding and applied correction. (Not to judge for awareness and alignment only.)

Word – definitions
Burdened
Deserving
-De-serve
-Servile
-to serve in order to deserve

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel burdened to be a parent because being one I have to deal with other parents=the pillars of the system in order to deserve acceptance by them=system=god

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the word Burdened as me in relationship with my duty to Serve god in order to Deserve acceptance by the System=God.

I do not longer accept or allow to follow the words and the construct that comes with this words and the patterns they represent.
I breathe here
I remain here
I stop
Simple
It’s done.

Burdened – I addressed this, related to the word school the outflow, side effect of that one word the continuation of one word definition into other definitions that makes up the whole thought Pattern/construct.

I stand equal and one as the word burden to no longer accept nor allow myself to follow the word and what it represents as a system as consciousness.
I stop

Word definition
Shame
Hiding
Suppressing Self in order to be accepted by the system represented by the other parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed off myself because I hide and suppress my innocence as me as life in order to be accepted by the system represented by the other parents.

Shame can only exist – when you separate you from others, when you don’t bring it all back to you, here as you.

Judging the system
Experience:
I need to be servile to deserve acceptance this creates friction and judgement and ultimately blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the system=god,
other parents as the representatives off it, without realizing that I’m judging my own creation.

I stand in and as it and from there direct myself
No separation between the inner and outer -world, one word, one world
Nothing to be afraid of
Nothing to fear
Its all me
It’s my own creation I am walking through

Here I had a aha moment
How can it not be me, similar to the realisation with my kids how can they not be me! How come I fear what I’ve created myself!

Word definition
Family
Gezin
Gij zin
Gij in
God is in
System
God goed gezind

Ik vergeef mijzelf voor het feit ik accepteerde en heb toegelaten mijzelf in het woord gezin op te sluiten

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegstaan het woord gezin te definieeren, mijzelf hierdoor te limiteren en mede de alle particpanten in de familie eenheid te limiteren.

Family Unit
Family – (Het gezin)
From Latin “Familia”- house hold –servants
Servants of the system =god
The family unit
From servant off the system=god to an alignment that serves all

Family is all participants within a unit that are walking together. Where the parents stand in and as self -responsibility to live in the best interest of all participants, that what serves all.
No longer defined and limited through serving one=the system=god
Family is part of the whole the unit stands as One where all participants stand as one, aligning all participants with that what serves all.

Family is no longer defined as part of a ‘inner’ world that needs to be protected nor defended as the family stands within the whole. Integrating and amalgamate the whole into and as the family.
I declare where I tend to go into the ‘inner’ I amalgamate the inner with and as the outer – equal and one

The family unit
Is no place to hide nor a place to feel safe from the outer world= world system=god
It doesn’t serve all participants within the unit to ‘use’ the family unit for:
-Protection
-Hiding
-Comfort
-Solace
-Safety
-Enjoyment

To indulge in these definitions of the family unit is limiting and holding the past conditions and doesn’t serve all participants within it.

This brings forth:
The family united is neither a ground for living the definitions off:
-Parenting
-Motherhood
-Marriage
More on this later

The family unit stands as part of the ‘outer’ expression as within as without.

Word definition:
School
From middle Dutch Schule
School- “scolu” – Troop
Education
Educe – out of love, obedience is to be educed
Latin “educere” lead out to lead
From data
School be part of the flock
Getting into formation, information – Form the Nation

School-
Part off the troop to get prepped to integrate into the world system
School- to sacrifice children to the system=god, to be obedience, to lead
Teaching- showing

School no longer stand in separation with me as the representation off the system= god as something I:
-Fear
-Deny
-Suppress existing
-Judge
-Need to serve
-Sacrifice my children to

I release all definitions off the word school it no longer holds
-Burden
-Obedience
-Servant
-System=god
-Fear
-Acceptance
-Conflict

Where these definitions arise I look into them and release myself from the definition past conditioning
In the realisation that I created the school system, to react to ones own creation is showing me that I do not understand my own creation. I stand one and equal as the school system and Direct myself in the realisation and understanding that I’m walking within my own creation and therefore there is nothing to fear, loose, gain. I direct myself with in and as who I am without condition Pattern, limitations off the past.

School is school – lol
I amalgamate with the though Patterns
– School is for serving the system
– School is for scarifying (my, the) children to the system=god
– I fear school=system=god
– I judge school=system=god
In the awareness that school is my own creation and from this understanding I stand one and equal as the school system within the world system as my own creation and therefore I am able to direct myself within it, aligned with what serves all.

I see that holding thoughts patterns, is not serving me and thus not serving all and therefore I let it go.
I stop.

SF
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define school as the preparation for the World- system to serve the system=god. And therefore I forgive myself that I have separated the word school from me as who I am as life as something that exist outside of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the thought Pattern that “School is a burden” because I need to be an obedient servant of the system=god

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding the definition of school within a construct of thoughts Patterns, conditionings and limitations within me and therefore I let it go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not understanding my judgement off other parents at school=system=god and therefore I forgive myself for not understanding my own creation and that what I judge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear rejection of the system=god(represented by the others parents) and therefore I forgive myself to fear being rejected by god.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being in need to be accepted by the system=god in order for my children to be accepted by the system=god and therefore I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live in fear of the system=god without realising that I fear my own creation.

Within this understanding I let it go
I see it I let it go

I stand within the family unit; which is part of the school system; which is part of the word system. They’re all fragments of me here that I didn’t yet realized.
Its all me I’m walking through my own created reality.
I stand in and as it and direct myself as one with and as it I amalgamate as it, I bring it ‘home’.
The old doesn’t serve me thus is not serving all.
In the realisation that I walk from moment to moment until all parts are seen realized and amalgamated within me as me as part of the whole all in one and one in all.
Walk in every moment in that what serves all.
God is me, I created god and therefore I created the pattern of fearing god=system=others parents=others=me

2009 SRA notes 06/12/09

SR notes 06/12/09
Ok today I observed an energetic charge.
Its a great Self support tool to finally address these energetic charges through utilising mc, through really slowing myself down applying the 4 count breath I’m able to identify the charge.
Every energetic charge is having a different signature and it has been always on the tip of my tongue but I didn’t had the vocabulary to address it.
I was aware of the energetic charges but now through mc I can address them and identify it.

So what was I looking at today – the energetic charge that emerges when the kids are all over me physically. Jumping up and down, using me as a toy. They hurt me, I get elbows, knees, hands and nails everyway. Now when this happens I am charging up so to speak I become irritated and at a certain stage I want to explode and want them to stop.Not cool. I addressed this already and wrote SF on the irritation but it didn’t seemed to get to the core of what is at hand here.
I also observed when being with the kids that almost every interaction is charging me either through their actions, questions, picture presentation, physical presence.
But here I will adress only this point of today

So what’s the priority point to work with here?
Pattern
Opinion
I cannot forgive myself because …
Words tested out that assist with this pattern, what’s behind the energetic charge?
Hesitation
Disapproval
Are these two words sufficient? On y/n yes

So the hesitation of forgiving myself stems from being in disapproval of myself? On indicator y/n – yes
So the question arises what’s an opinion? I would say a judgement.

Disapproval of myself
So behind this specific energetic charge which almost always ends of me becoming explosive lies a Pattern, an Opinion of being in disapproval of myself and therefore I hesitate to forgive myself? On y/n Yes

Are these two words sufficient to work with through this accepted Pattern? On y/n yes
So my dictionary says
Disapproval – Possession or expression of an unfavourable opinion
So within this steps forth:
It’s immediate and automated as me

Another question that comes up does this stem from my mother? Because that’s what steps forth as well because my mother expressed exactly this, being in disapproval of me.
To gain more understanding about what I’m looking at
e.g. when I’m in absolute disapproval of something or person without even knowing where it stems from- that’s exactly how I am in disapproval of myself.
Just automated and immediately through a voiced opinion expressed that’s how I can relate to it – connect it to this specific Pattern- Opinion.
Because that’s what an opinion is really a conditioned automated responses to the input without knowing where it stems from, where it originated from and whether this comes from you or from a past conditioned Pattern infused into you through repetition by a reliable source which was of course through the first authority figures in my live, my parents my mother. My mother spend more time with us when we’re little then my father she was the one whom dressed us the morning, having breakfast with us and at home when we got out of school and so on.
The word disapproval related to the Pattern Opinion makes so much sense because my father always told me that the minute my mother saw me she decided, “NO I can’t love her, I don’t like her.” Without any reason or motivation, that was that. Obviously I never understood it really. I realise and know that the way her mother raised her probably engaged within the same Pattern.
The si(g)ns of the father in this case the mother

Pattern:
1.I forgive myself to hesitate to forgive myself because I live the Opinion that I am in disapproval of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate to forgive myself because of the disapproval I have about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate to forgive myself because of automated opinion I live as me which is of being in disapproval of myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to investigate in depth how my mothers specific opinion about me became the opinion I automated and lived as me: being in disapproval of myself

2.I forgive myself that I cannot forgive myself because of the lived opinion that I am in disapproval of myself

3.I forgive myself that I cannot forgive myself because of the opinion I have about myself which is being in disapproval of myself

4. I forgive myself that I cannot forgive myself because of the disapproval of my mother when I was a child

5.I forgive myself that I cannot forgive myself because of the opinion my mother had of me which was of disapproval when I was a child

6.I forgive myself for allowing myself to be programmable through others opinions about me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be programmable because of the opinion my mother had about me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be programmable through exposure and repetition of the same opinion about me by the first authority figure in my live my mother and allowed this opinion to become my own opinion about myself.

7.I forgive myself for accepting others opinions about me to become the opinion I have about myself

8.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my mothers disapproval of me became my own opinion about myself and therefore I forgive myself that I couldn’t forgive myself because of allowed opinion I had of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy my mother’s opinion about me as my own opinion about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy my mothers opinion about me on an unconscious level without any awareness where the outer expression of myself originated or rooted from

I give myself back to me
I am not my opinion I have about myself
I don’t engage in the polarity of disapproval or being in approval of myself
I direct myself in and as the breath whenever and energetic charge comes up which I cant track back to its origin and therefore I allow myself to investigate where this energetic charge stems from
I allow myself to not be directed by any energetic charge to define who I am
I allow myself to forgive myself
I allow myself to stand
I allow myself to investigate all opinions I live automated as me through and as energetic charges which I tend to follow
I support myself through allowing myself to breath utilising breath to slow myself down, to actually see the energetic charges emerging
I Support myself through applying the 4 count breath to realize what I have become

Required Action tested out to Support myself
Speaking about it when I find myself going into it

2010 I see, I hear, I understand, I know and I am aware of… humans are ROBOTS !

RealMatrixProd — 4 juli 2009 — I see, I hear, I understand, I know and I am aware of human’s systematic pre-programmed consciousness designed existences, realities and worlds. I’d say humans on earth are experiencing, living and becoming hell I am heaven, heaven is where I am, where I am experiencing myself and how I’m experiencing myself. Humans on earth are in hell, oh yes, they are. The systems so magnificently designed this reality to absolute perfection and specificity, the perfect existence where all humans are systems, mind systems, conscious systems, creating abundance and even more so of emotional and feeling energetics of which myself and many other like myself may feed and may drink as we please. I am free. I do whatever I choose. I do whatever I will. I do whatever I want. I have no fear. I feed and drink off fear. I am fear! Each human is so naïve, so gullible, suchpitiful, worthless scum of systems locked into a systematic consciousness created reality with their minds as the projector, stored, inserted and implanted with information, knowledge, pictures, beliefsystems, ideas their entire world is a lie as each humans experience of themselves is a lie. Everything humans experience, everything humans are, everything humans believe in, everything humans see, everything humans taste, everything humans hear, everything humans speak, everything humans think, everything humans feel, everything humans become, everything humans touch, everything humans trust, everything humans love, everything humans support, everything humans do, everything humans assist, everything humans adore, everything humans desire, everything humans want, everything humans need, everything humans fear I may continue infinitely so as example that – all is created, designed and infused on earth in the image and likeness of systems! And who enjoys the creation of emotional and feeling turmoil’s, inner conflicts, relationships and mind chatter created from the design of systems as consciousness which their mind as inserted and implanted beliefs and perceptions of truth of this experience, directed through pipeline structures and constructs through which their emotional and feeling energetics continuously and constantly flow demons! I am as many others the most feared beings in existence, especially demons as myself who intricately, specifically understand, see, know of, experience and are aware of the ways existence and earth are powered and controlled. I am feared by many, by all for one simple reason: I am fear; fear provides for me, fear provides the sustenance and support of my existence.

Humans believe they are the only ones whom exist shame. I experience existence as that of a moving picture a movie which humans watch in cinemas. The world and existence of humans are exactly that of movies. The directors are the White Light and the actors and actresses are the humans on earth and dimensional beings whom channel and communicate with them and through them. The producers are the systems who create the cinematography and provide the layout and allocations of where the movie will take place exactly which naturally had become earth. The script has already been written, the script of each human’s existence on earth is pre-programmed within their mind consciousness system and believed by them to be who they are. Each human is fortunate, I laugh as there’s possibly one thing they are able to be grateful and thankful for is that it wasn’t necessary for them to have to memorise the entire script which is the words, the actions, the behaviours, their entire life and earthly experience actually, as it has all already been pre-programmed within them as them as well as within their world. Instead of having to memorise who they have been pre-programmed to become, they are reminded. Humans on earth who were also once dimensional beings have merely walked into an already prepared second skin, a human body, a vessel. Within and as this vessel as the human body created in the image and likeness of the already pre-programmed script of the part each individual human being will play or act as, have merely infused themselves within and as this knowledge and information created mind consciousness system, through this infusion become the entire script and thus live the script and act the script on earth.

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