2010 structural living of the word Justice


Last night I was once again looking at my sense of justice and how I have became this point, structurally living this point as me would be an accurate description.

So probably this among points also have been accelerating  ‘my ‘down fall when encountering Desteni while realizing that I’m  on the side of the abusers. I’ve been looking at this point before as I know by now that there are multiple-dimensions of a point. While walking this process I expand in understanding.

So to re- align this structural living of self within this specific point is something I have to take note off. Yet I also see that this construct has initially been  a motivator,stimulator to understand the emergency for change.

I see and understand now the polarity play out of this construct loop.I have become the structural living manifestation of this point, its quite a vast point for me.

So in need for re- alignment.

So basically what I now understand is to ‘use’ personality traits first of all to understand and become aware of its construct. And then when this initial faze is ‘done’ to re-align it with the principle of what serves all.

More on this point later




Actually all proposals to bring about change that do not include and state & declare explicit equality for all in all ways and how its going to be implemented by people that are walking the talk and share the steps in  EQUALITY are not valid!

Not that we bash out on or disregard other proposals we understand that our starting point is EQUALITY in all ways we agreed on this simple equation 1+1=2  Simply b/c this principle will stand the test of time.

Anything else is not valid so yes we move on!

2010 Writing myself to freedom Daily writings-working with a dream

Monday 26 sept. 2010

Ok an other dream some days ago

Dream about being needy for male companionship

I arose with the feeling of being in need of a boyfriend b/c I dreamt about it.

I was in a big old house , probably it was my own house which needed a lot of renovation and deconstruction. I was walking around moving myself through rubble desperately waiting for my boyfriend to arrive. And I was devastated this experience stayed very much with me like how the fuck can I make something out of this mess without a man?

I was also carrying a child/toddler. At the moment the boyfriend arrived I saw that I didn’t actually ‘needed’ one in the first place and that I could do without.

Zina was with me as well- well the children were presence in the dream.

As I was walking around in that house I was a bit afraid as well being alone especially in relation to the house and the maintenance that needed to be done, being dependant on a an man to do the job for me. And then in the dream I already saw like ok if this is your starting point, WTF are you doing??

The minute the ‘boyfriend’ walked in I wanted the bf to be gone as well like it’s completely obsolete to be with a guy, there was irritation as well in my dream.

So wanting and desiring it and then when it’s presented itself I reject it. Ok that’s a polarity trap where one is participating within.

This mind construct also revealed it self when working with the SRA lesson-Undergarment and within the feedback from the resonances. Its the exact same construct more accurately similar yet slightly different. It’s the sequence where one is participating within before one is actually having a steady relationship. The expectation faze when one will ‘hunt’ for one and then exercise this polarity trap.

Ok I feel ‘walled’ here – I experience resistance a block/wall b/c I can’t write the point out fluently.

Ok the point is here within me. Its also one of the points that need to be re-aligned and already busy walking this specific point within the SRA/ and- resonances. I will ‘stall’ this until we get to the corrective application faze within the lessons.

So I will have a direct cross-reference and specified understanding of the point so I will be efficient within the re-alignment of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blank out when looking at this specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have full access to the information that is running as me within the structure of consciousness and experience a wall when looking into this specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand this state of blankness when looking into this specific point within myself.

Ok I see that this is something I dot want to publish in public so basically I don’t want to share this with others. So secret mind stuff so it must be a self-definition something I still hold unto to, obviously.

Fascinating is that along the way – what I start seeing and gain some insight about is that when one is clinging unto as the perceived ‘me’ ‘I’, is in essence all ‘presenting’ itself the same.One starts seeing the point/becoming aware, then start looking into the point, then a  wall of resistance is there for one to face and walk through until the alignment is completed. SRA and muscle communication are assisting with this process quite specifically and the procedures as the lessons. To speed up ones process – I actually wouldn’t have been able to walk such points without support& assistance.

So basically one can come to a point of self honesty alone yet one must have the ability to cross-reference points, the principle of “where two or more are walking in my name” applies here , other wise one can never be ‘sure’ and continues guessing and assuming about what is real.

ok will share here when more opens up

2010 Day to Day – writings

Sunday 26 September 2010


I was together with my sister and her husband and we were at my place which was in my dreams a huge place. So my sister and her husband where lighting a cigarette while being on their way outside.  I started to become anxious about it. I said you guys aren’t supposed to smoke inside the house. Yet they were making excuses that they were on their way outside so the act  was somehow less of smoking inside  – lol

So when looking at it later on I was a bit amazed about how I felt anxious about instead of telling them to put the cigarette out ( if that’s the appropriate expression)So actually waiting and getting all anxious about something I could have walked quite effortlessly, so where in my world do I do so? Exactly! Within  seemingly small points when being with others.

Then when we were outside I was somehow in an argument with them and I felt very angered/annoyed inside of the misunderstanding. Probably this locks into a conversation I had yesterday with my sister wherein I was inviting her over for zina’s birthday yet she wasn’t able to come and how I probably was reacting towards this resonantly and then allowed myself to listen to her ways of why she was already occupied and the details of her other appointment and from the old ways I just know that I am absolutely not interested in her stories about people I don’t know I will never met and her detailed agenda/ personal schedule.

It always bothers me when people start name dropping and talking about people whom I will probably never met and I also don’t see the relevancy of mentioning them into such specific detail. M a friend of mine is always doing so and a girl friend of mine has always been doing this as well. And making this also into the main topic the conversation evolves around.

Hmm isn’t yet clear to me what actually is that I am reactive towards.

To go back to the conversation I had with my sister I see a point of distracting attention, from not being able to attend the birthday to sharing the reasons why and then making that into the main topic to talk about. And then I (always) allow the conversation to end up lead by my sister and I allow her to actually dump all that verbal garbage and excuses at me.

So I basically said ok I need to go! Good luck with finding a school for your son b/c somehow her rant ended up there and that was actually what I picked up and then I hung up.

So basically when people are or to be more specifically when I allow others to take control of the conversation in terms of not cutting it clear that I am not interested to talk about such stuff or to be absolute specific I am not interest nor allow to listen to it actually – lol especially with her I always allow to much of that verbal bs. So cool must be clear on this point when I see where its heading I stop and simple end the conversation it isn’t serving me nor her. Through allowing such seemingly small point of compromise I am weakening myself constantly and actually imprison her/others together with me as well.

And I know one thing absolutely sure – that what doesn’t stand in the smaller cant and will never stand in the bigger

So, cool!

There is definitely more to it which is shifting from the words not being able to attend and then to hearing excuses her  taking the lead within the conversation and then I become annoyed yet this is now very much resonantly b/c I feel what is the word as experience here? Neglected/left out/ Abused?

I diminished myself instantly through irritation and when I bring it back here I felt also ‘melancholic’ shortly after and feeling slightly alone, and in need of company which I rarely have within this specific mind construct manifestation or to go shortly I hardly experience myself as this.

Ok I will do a session on this

2010 Daily writings-writing out my day

Saturday 25 September 2010

writing out my day


Today I spend the day with the girls no fever feeling a lot better, starting to physically stabilize which is cool!

So some points that came up today while I am stabilizing. I became aware that I want to spend my weekend here with the kids, ad when I am not with them I also want to stay at home. I have been all over the place visiting a friend almost every weekend for the last two months or so. And it was very cool to be able to do so!

I felt like a relief within me not having to run from one spot to another and being in a constant unpacking/packing modus  which is not something I prefer. It brings a lot of unecessary adjustments that must be made while  I am walking now a physical process of change. So in self honestly I stay here and get physically stabilized, work through the ‘urgent’points through writing and do what practically needs be done.

So that’s cleared

Fascinating how M experienced himself while he was at my place for the first time it was almost like he was jetlagged he experienced himself completely dis orientated and me being sick I wasn’t in the position to stand as the stabililty point.

I mean I have seen ‘disorientation’ in many people when I was still working in the holiday business when people arrived they were all traumatized by leaving their comfort zone – lol

That’s how we are programmed – we first need to stabilize and I know from experience that I am most of the time am doing that very fast, its not a self willed quality so to speak it is just within my base programming. It’s also a characteristic of my blood type B- Nomads. So naturally fast to adept to new situation for survival and given that my heritage stems from Mongols it must be on the seed already. Ok this aside.

So what came up as well the kids and how I find it so absolutely accepted that I do certain things and have certain personality traits and find this normal e.g. being ok with them watching movies yet I also see emerging within this that its convenient for me so I can have breakfast or so something else without them asking for attention. I also see guilt like now I am a bad mother or asking myself whether I should do so. Well when I spend tiem with them ist always quite enjoyable. Oh I saw it within the point of them taking ballet lessons and that I am always leaving and I asked myself why don’t I stay and enjoy that time with them? Or at least ones so I know what the lesson is all about. Just a simple question, seemingly a innocent action yet It shows me that I am in certain points especially the ones I take for granted as in not taking them into account as being important- I see that I do so b/c I don’t know how I should do it other wise actually b/c I didn’t scripted this for myself and I don’t have an example. Fascinating, really.

Lou is a bit on the “I try you” and is manipulating and playing around with it a lot. Whenever I have been sick and not with the girls for some time it takes me a while especially with Lou to re-align her with me again. She’s so witty and I almost must laugh about her ways – yet not acceptable and she knows this. Yet her range of looking for how far she can stretch it is something she is exploring and expanding on big time. Sigh – lol

I called my father today and he was sounding really defeated and I became sad not as an all consuming sadness yet I was slightly there. He is going to die and he said that this time it won’t take that long any more. I could hear it in his voice he is tired, he isn’t able to get sufficient air in his lungs anymore due to his illness. And he is tired of fighting – probably better that he will leave here. I actually do not know what I experience – no words

When talking to him I felt tears in my eye they didn’t came – now they are here. B once said that when someone dies in your world you morn other wise you will get sick- it makes sense ones system has accumulated so much information around this point that it must be released. Shoot everything is an orgasm. L

My ex mother in law is sick as well she suffers from cancer she’s in the hospital already for some time now and within her I saw that she became the point of illness so completely. She suffered from breast cancer and later on lung cancer manifested as well.

Breast related to self-nurturing and Lungs to family and the illness to anger. Yeah the mcs eating the flesh through permission – quite a vast point we must walk through within this.

So while I was sick seriously sick I stopped everything called mo and he was immediately instantly taking responsibility taking care for the kids, cooking and school wise. Which I today was very freaking grateful for and I text him to let him know. He text me back and I had tears and shivers. And a emotional body release – I can observe this now through my wrist when they are burning/warm and the back of my hands. I am so freaking grateful that I have a back up in terms of practical support with the kids when I am not able to take care of them. So cool to have this support, it must be and is in essence the same with all the youngsters living at home being in many ways supported to walk their process until they are willing themselves to stand on their own feet also depending on age. So yeah also within this I expand on understanding how this is working. Also to distinguish the difference between allowing dependency from a self-dishonest starting point or from self-support, that’s within each self honest path to walk.

Today when being in the store buying clothes for Zina I was observing the way the store manager was assisting me and I became aware of a over doing myself allowing myself to get dragged along with a certain pace. So I stopped – lol .

I was actually fascinated by the way she was expressing herself it was so robotic, repetitive obsessive like really digging and loading information while she was going through the cloths racks – yep fascinating

although I like her a lot hmm

In shops I find it still very hard to do so, stopping I mean and remain here. Yet I bought freaking everything I needed! And didn’t allowed myself to go along/drift of yet stayed focused- lol

Well as long one can do so b/c the minute you step into a store you lock into the gridline structure of it and then all the jungle gyms and rods – of course this is all knowledge and information – lol

I think that dimensionally it must be high traffic with all those structures and systems. hehehe

Ok go sleep now – die well and tomorrow I start all over

2010 Letting go within the structure

Letting go steps forth as a self-willed action when one understands where one is participating within. Stops, and then actually walks into the physical correction of oneself. One prepares the way before oneself through extensive self honest introspection. Utilising self-forgiveness,writing and 4 count breathing. Letting go is a physical  action of actually correcting and aligning oneself with what’s best for all in every moment.

The mind tend to trap oneself in a belief that letting go is ‘simple’ from a mind perspective.

Yet is not considering/ willing to walk the action that is required of realigning oneself thus letting go from the structure of consciousness.

Real change takes real labour in space and time. Nothing will re-align to what serves all by itself. Only systems are running automated by itself within the structure of consciousness.

So letting go can then actually be redefined to releasing a point from the structure in space and time through self willed action/labour-e.g. writing,sf.

I see how I framed myself in this construct of “letting go” – and how we use this phrase so often for unclear reasons, like: “chill out, relax, Let it go!” while in essence we see that someone is trapped within repetitive mind frame mostly a loop. And one wants to comfort another by saying “Let it go !” Instead of practically looking at what letting go actually is all about- lol

It’s a physical action prepared through self-willed action one walks step by step.

2010 Daily writings mostly on pain

Friday 24 September 2010

Ok I feel a bit better now and tomorrow I will be up and running again after 3 days bed and fever is quite ok – my back starts to hurt from lying down all the time.

So what comes up

I need to re-align the definition of pushing myself b/c I have seen/observed that I am still doing it  meaning pushing myself from a mind perspective.
so what is pushing oneself really all about?

First thing I see is must be from a self honest starting point, effortlessly when it actually becomes ‘difficult’ its already indicating that its pushing within the structure.

So a flag point here.

For example when I went for the weekend to see mike a friend of mine who doesn’t live near by it was in my weekend without the kids I didn’t really felt well due to my upcoming menstruation and I wanted to stay home yet I pushed myself going from the starting point of not wanting to disappoint him. So that’s always a dishonest starting point yet I also see a point behind that point is that I push myself for others instead of pushing self for myself as self.

So pushing myself has become something that I do to please others so that’s one dimension I clearly see. I call it: “I need to push myself” while in essence its just hiding for oneself. So I would say pushing oneself is a Flagpoint

Ok posting and commenting is something I must work on

Fault finding in myself doing it all wrong my  posts are  wrong being wrong etc.. what I see and how I say things is wrong it has become less yet it’s still there, very prominent. Also being administrator and when to ban and how it’s a cool exercise yet I can get very anxious of doing it right. Lol I actually never heard any of the others administrators about it. So it’s the point of taking responsibility and expand and explore on it which I find a bit scary) outside of the comfortzone) and enjoyable at the same time. I also feel honoured that I have been asked. uhum and was suprised as well like huh me? I am not in any way pushing myself being visual on teh internet yet I saw immediatley the opportunity to explore and expand on the responsibility point in public.

So  being afraid of doing it wrong- yet this has been with me and it became less yet its still sometimes here.And the only way to go is to push oneself in space and time to actually do it. So this is a real push for self, this in relation to investigate pushing in general as an expression of self!

So within one of the interviews B is explaining the placement of beings now in certain positions to proof and walk points in space and time,to give them a opportunity to walk within responsibility.

Still very prominent with me is seeing that ‘it’ is not real what I am living through the structure. Its all fake yet  I start seeing that waking up and walking this process is a continuously exploring and expansion of understanding and awareness. I thought I ‘knew’ yet I start to see now that expansion and exploration on self and existence and how consciousness is operating is ‘seemingly’ never ending. All I ever did was living through the structure of consciousnesss and that I really have to learn how to LIVE.

When watching Bernard’s interview and hearing that certain persons weren’t yet taking the responsibility they had to take and that this 2 year time loop is among things to make sure those that those that needs to stand as he said ‘vital players’ will actualise and take self-responsibility (that they had to take in the first place my words) – lol

I felt/feel that I was one of those person’s yet I also saw that this is what it is and that I didn’t took it on. I can get up with a lot of excuses yet they are excuses. And how I actually saw this constantly yet I wasn’t up to the task. I also realise that being an administrator such as Darryl and Bella has been doing for such a long time which i am freaking grateful for that this comes with responsibility and consistancy on a daily basis. And that I as a member took that for granted that always magically would be someone who is managing the forum. And that comes somehow with a feeling of guilt or more of a realisation of a system manifestation of giving things out of your hands. “Someone else will take care of it”  yet more as an accepted already manifested nature of oneself and actually not able to track down as such b/c one have become it and one is not questioning this within self in any way. So actually looking at the point of taking self responsibility.

So ignoring oneself and all that ‘lives’ making noise within all that is boiling up within. It is so accepted and allowed within what I have become that it takes balls and for me utter discipline to not take anything within me for granted b/c I can say from a knowledge point that those ‘things’ such as thoughts and emotions inside are placed there and thus not real yet when I continue finding it ‘normal’  the norm of my existence and accept it as something I do not investigate any further. I am excersising knownledge thus unaccepatble Not taking into consideration that i am the one that constructed it this way and i am the one that will myself to de-construct it. So I am the engenere now

As I write I feel my left wrist burning or to be more precise it’s all over my upper hand and wrist on the top side.

Also the energetic signature I am holding towards my post and then especially to the words “you decide” b/c I claim it as Bella’s. ‘Strangely’ enough I am holding this information as such as I am not allowed to use certain words or phrases in this world b/c I perceive others to have ownership over those words. Fascinating!

This also locks into mine and yours and ownership in general so that also entails that I am existing within that same point when someone is entering or so-called disrespecting my ownership over words and expressions. Ok I see a system manifestation  locking into a personality of respecting others through respecting their ownership of their personality, and thus words. I can see myself in the old ways being very hurt when someone would quote me or use my words  without mention me within it. So that’s a form of ownership and also an energetic signature related to being hurt not being treated with respect. Very much related to what is and has been previous discussed within my sra lesson when cross referenced with the resonances when working with the lesson on undergarment. So it locks into my perception of what was it again the word my sense ‘rechtvaardigheid” justice yes that’s it. So I have within my preprogrammed nature which is just information stored on an individual dna basis and developed this over time into something I belief to be justice yet it’s from a mind perspective.

So I must re-align this definition of justice b/c yes what is real justice, what is real?

First of all I will write out how I experience this kind of justice b/c it has been very much within all I participate within. I know it’s a key point within my design, the accepted and allowed nature of myself. It always within me in all I observe and participate within that what I live is always measured through fairness and justice. Fascinating, even when watching a movie I am resonating it as such – this point of justice. Fascinating its only now that I see how much I have become that point and resonate it as such so it must be standing as such a point within the structure, yet I can’t know this for sure – its also not relevant at this stage to know these things. What is relevant to re-align this point.

Becoming aware of points as such is amazing and breaking the spell, the hypnotic frequency of delusion. Breaking the trance is always an experience when it sinks in like waking up is quit of a deepening of being becoming aware of the extensive deception of our perceives selves. So its still a very long way to go

When listening to Esteni’s vids about system removal within seeing direct cause that’s how I refer to it, seeing direct within the moment – I realised that there are so many and it seems to be endless and everything is intertwined with everything else. Yet I also see that removing one and disconnect from it that it will work as a chain reaction. So it’s within where one is participating within that keeps the structure alive. I can imagine that it looks dimensionally as how Esteni is describing it. What is for me fascinating is that she describes it in detail as how Zina describes pain and colours in and outside my body and pointing always exactly at pain points and wash them away makes them white or more of a cleaning up lol

So it’s almost like seeing the expression of food or specific expression in my children.

I always experience physical pain as something that is locked, that I need to look for a key.

I also like and find it very accurate how B is referring to pain as your children and you are not going to fight your own children now do you – only stupid people are doing so and by now we all know how incredible freaking stupid we are! lol

So  when I was looking at pain points myself and where I have manifested such manifested crystals within my muscle tissue I referred to them as being alive b/c I walked this into creation so yes its like my baby, my child.

I also distinguish seeing that the whole point within my left arm, breast, armpits and shoulder and lymphatic system is a point which I am purifying myself from and releasing yet I also see that this is a process. And I always ask where this information, manifested pain as in crystals in my muscle tissues went. Esteni is explaining that dimensionally beliefs are going up in dust – so that quite an ‘easy’ one to crumble. But what about the rest where does it go within the physical body b/c its dump so to speak those are systems that aren’t there yet the echo of it that what is already manifested and what is not having any system to run through now becomes useless b/c it’s not being supported by that very same system that held everything together. So it must leave the body, which I am currently doing/busy with through fever, flu-like symptoms and so on.

After being physically intimate with someone and having intercourse again I actually started manifesting a bladder infection and also a vaginal yeast infection. So this was of course very disturbing and inconvenient. Well as the resonances pointed out that I hide fear behind inconvenience I actually can see that I was doing that in this case as well. Funny how I stored it as such as well, inconvenient.

Fascinating how we store experiences and words within us. Anyways the illness these diseases went away by looking at it and seeing that I was actually denying myself in this point so it was very much related to self-abuse and how I had for example intercourse. It was so mechanical that I was actually shocked and in tears how I was participating within this and to which degree I accepted this expression as me. I cried it was a cool release – there were tears of anger as well.

So the infection went up and down not being completely manifested yet – but I know how these infections feel like and I was heading towards it. So by actually getting out of self-denial and be gentle with myself in terms of how I abused myself in these two specific points; intercourse and touch which was completely transformed into a mechanical operation. I could let it go! It wasn’t really a process of a lot of sf I was able to see the point and let it go while breathing through the denial of it. And then the infection subsided. Which was cool.

Bladder infection and vaginal yeast infection are the most unpleasant things you can have as a woman and I had many. Yeast infection started when I actually stated menstruating – men I hate

And my first bladder infection manifested when I broke up with the so-called love of my life and started fooling around again. And yes it feels like being defeated and not in control of anything. I remember that I was at some time so pumped with antibiotics that even those didn’t cure it anymore and that my piss was drenched with blood and I was on a plane and crying. I post phoned my flight already for some days b/c of the infection and when I was on board of it the infection manifested again very unexpected and this time more painful than ever. I had tucked myself underneath a blanket crying and really wanted to die in that moment– drama queen as I was 😛

So definitely defeat/being defeated/what did I do wrong are the words as experience that stayed with me, seeing it now in another light of wanting and desiring a relationship which will never be answered/met in any way was/is one of the points that has created the manifestation of the bladder infection. Which is in essence self-abuse.

So within these words “defeat/being defeated/what did I do wrong?” I can absolutely relate to a being’s integration into this world to an absolute degree. Other wise one would not experience oneself like this. Also within:  “What did I do wrong?” is holding a belief of a higher being where one must obey to, to get a reward.

So self defeat/being defeated to an absolute degree where one is accepting and allowing the state of oneself and this world as an unchangeable fact. Fascinating that I manifested bladder infection only after the age of 28 – so it actually makes sense in terms of when I was leaving D I had given up on my dreams, my fights, my spark of life within me. I submitted completely and utterly, and the integration into this world was complete. The  exchange of life for systems just like money currency exchange, I exchanged life for love and love for sex=money and so it was complete. Closed cycle, closed system.

The physical can’t sustain such pressure of systems and will get sick or manifest illness and diseases it will annihilate oneself through the extensive abuse of self as I see/understand now and eventually one will get serious sick and manifest serious illnesses. I have seen it within myself I had a lump with a diagram of 4 cm and 8 cm long within my body. It has been removed a year ago and still physically not stabilised within this point.

I was crying when I saw and realised the extensive self abuse of what we allow/accept and that  we walk every illness into creation by our own doing.

The lump got removed last year b/c I thought it would assist me to remove such a big lump and it was becoming painful as well. It actually didn’t change the pain and the pressure for a bit. Only now after walking the recent change which i decided upon  and after lots of mostly painful massages my body is releasing the waste which was stored inside my muscle tissue.

Before the above surgery I removed a lump in my eye that was manifested there since my first pregnancy and I had many lumps in both eyes yet one remained. So I had surgery and it immediately manifested itself back- lol it was quite frustrating yet I could ‘see’ how through my own participation I created this lump into being. LoL

Namely it was my ‘concern’ about what others would think about me so it was so immediate that I had to realign this point through extensive Self Forgiveness and walk the correction. Then I ‘forgot’ about this point and I felt my eye some day and noticed that the lump was gone. So this was a small point in terms of a small manifestation and traceable where it originated from. During my pregnancy I was very much concerned of what other where thinking about me especially in the point of my upcoming motherhood.So that was a cool experience to walk through. So I see it now more of an expansion of me walking the correction of already manifested body points.