2010 Daily Writings – Educating my Children

Disciplining myself to sit with Z each day for one hour to do homework so we do the alphabet together and simple applied maths exercises. I have not yet disciplined myself to do it structurally on a daily basis, no exceptions no delay

I am confronted with bs inside its cool to see and observe myself and how I automatically act out parental design patterns.

It doesn’t comes ‘naturally’ to me to sit with her and to repeat the same over and over again. Fascinating to observe her, she starts yawning and  withdrawing. The lay out for the structural way of storing information is already in place.

Interesting to observe myself within irritation, impatience, annoyance, and hastiness. I actually feel ‘helplessnot adequate enough to teach her so anything that locks into”Not being able to do the task not being able to prepare a child for the world system to survive” I will push! To bring about change. To see how I exist and realign it accordingly as I have committed myself to do so.

I will also re-introduce working with the Desteni’s Vocabulary Purifier again . We have been working with it and that was quit cool, she got all the alphabet letters already when she was 4. Now she’s in school learning  through the educational system and I see that she is now stores information a bit ‘differently’ now she suddenly needs to think – lol

Well…. I got sloppy with my daily discipline- so here is where I stand.

So I will re-introduce home teaching again on top of her school work and I will do so until I am satisfied with her reading/mathematical skills so that’s what I have set for myself establishing this point of consistently within doing so.

So first week wasn’t that cool I tend to give up , something I didn’t expect from myself b/c I can be quite persisting in pushing. I have observed this pattern before  me not pushing it firmly enough, I ‘settle’ too ‘early’ and that was when z got potty trained I gave up to quickly, seems a simple point yet is shows how I am cycling in patterns.

So with L – the second time, second child  I stuck to it and just before I wanted to give in it worked out just fine. Lol

So now we are all satisfied by pushing it just gently yet firmly !

So the point of pushing it just a bit more when working with the kids to just go a bit beyond their and my comfort zone is something to practically walk through. I am in unknown waters here never done this before and while doings so I come up with the most inventive plays to integrate the pushing of what needs to be taugt. Actually its quite a lot of fun to study the basics with her. I mean she’s 5years old  and so willing and eager to learn she is quite satisfied being teached and getting to know the world around her.

She doesn’t want to grow old she said several times over the last weeks. – lol

Ok that’s about the daily discipline within educating her, getting the basics established.

Interestingly enough L is going so much faster I mean I establish it with Z ‘right’ then L is moving so much more effectively.

The little ones!!

they are doing quite fine! We are doing fine, I observe myself within  being with them sure not yet as an absolute standing still points to look at walk with/through realignments to be done yet the initial frantic almost hysterical experience of self within it all has been dissolved. It consisted of many layers I would say. So yeah time to walk this specific point of parental system manifestation into awareness and full understanding and from there its  re-alignment.

The structural living of this point hasn’t been yet here fully as the whole for me to see and understand in its totality.

I see that this is emerging within me to experience points  here to bring it here as the real actual structure of it, intensifying the Pattern and the play out even re-walk it when this brings clarity on how to realign it. There are currently some point that are heading towards this intensity. So will see..

Another point I am busy with

Must script a clear layout/ foundation for what I am practically going to spend my time on. Then I will script it and walk the stance into completion.

Discipline and actual structure within the structure needs direction, especially  b/c this point naturally isn’t within my structural design. lol Naturally I tend to ‘perform’ ‘good’ ‘peek’ under different conditions, so discipline must be established as an absolute standing

Its also the point of consistency, doing and repeating the same physical action that is required to bring the point into being. I know is the only way yet I must push the actual physical action every moment every day, every breathe.

So cool, clear

Eating Habits/Preference/Blood type Diet B

I have changed my diet/eating habits, so I ‘m only drinking low fat milk in my coffee it’s the only milk intake and that already has been a cool stabilizer physically. Took wheat out as well same effect and at the same time taking the sugar point on and started buying bread at the bio shop again. Real bread!

I actually dropped some time ago the whole point of eating healthy I used to be a freak about food, I had developed quite a food obsession and went into the polarity opposite as well eating very crappy and poor quality food and totally not being interested whether is was of any good for the body. Either side doesn’t makes sense.  So now I am prepared to walk the correction and eat food that my body assist and support as a pillar of support, nothing more nothing less. So no more preference yet eating as an actual support point for the body, simple expressing gratefulness

Ok that’s it for now

Oh and on sleeping it goes up and down there are nights that I am only sleeping 4 hours – so I am ‘dead’ when waking in the morning yet I feel so much more stable during the day.

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2010 Daily Writings – Standing Clear

Thursday 14 October 10

Waking

Woke up with the following: its not a self honest act of pushing the reducing of sleep to the max or in this case the minimum of 4  hrs when I’m actually not in the position to stretch it more. So I slow down and take it one step at the time until the point is standing. So being self honest about what one can do in every breath and what one is able to ‘handle’ in one breathe. So be self honest about where you stand and what you can take on and slow the fuck down and understand what is required to take on more – lol and live the required steps for being able to take it  on and whether this is at this stage an actual priority point. Just simple shit 😛

Burning eyes

I experience burning eyes and yes that’s related to giving up and believing that one is actually the perceptional experience of oneself giving into limitation.

Phone call/communicating

It was far to long and I experienced tiredness when I was speaking saying and repeating the same thing over and over again. Which was cool in essence to talk yet I was experiencing a heavyness me allowing myself to go with the energy that was clearly accessed within the communication.

So I have seen this before that when I communicate with M that I allow myself to go into  a physical reaction of the ‘high’ and living ‘through’ the structure of others. So basically that’s how I allow myself to go into it and follow such traits as they are real within the perceptional experience of oneself

So I see and understand how little actually changes b/c for significant change to manifest we must change with many for  its completion we all must change for real that’s the equality equation.  Yet it isn’t a justification for me not taking this point on and walk it while participating. So when I perceive the perceptional experience to be real I will feed the thoughts and fore mostly the energy that is generated and feed them through participating within them. Through attention! So to simple state delete and stop I don’t allow myself to go there I stabilize myself within the moment. Directing me here instead of following it through feeding it and giving the thought attention because I have seen the beginning and the end of it and the way my attention towards it will lead to.

Ok that’s clear this ‘temptation’ is presenting itself over and over again.

So this morning at school we all got started with the head louse issue again I brought it up to inform others about Z being all over with head louse. Interesting reaction people got into; interesting mind construct people/we access. So generally its perceived as me being very open about it – ok yet the point I want to communicate here is that I observed the following point:

The enegery high and rush from all, being so over the top that I cant hardly breath through it yet I see that I have been slowing down already. So I can be more of a stable point within myself which I cant yet say that I stand stable as this point as an absolute. These are the mind constructs manifestation one is participating within, the so called rods as has been explained.

And this is also permutates  my physical, I always get very tired when this happens like a immediately shut down. So shutting down, off is a signal of resistance these are the points where one must Will oneself to push through to Will oneself into being.

Simple

So it’s the breath that is stabilising myself within it, just silently walking such moments as breathe. Nothing to fear nothing to loose

Its already now that I almost can ‘touch’ these mind constructs its not ‘alive’ its constructed it has become very clear to me that this is so and that its operates in this manner.

Its also nothing ‘personal’ within it or anything of substance to follow at all – I realize that I am now looking at the physical experience of the mind construct manifestation around me the moment of interlocking into them when walking into a moment. So this repeats itself every day so every day I can test observe, which is cool its my testing ground where I stand, how I stand if I stand – lol

And most of all who I am within it.

So cool, ok clear

Slowing down within the breath silently walking the moment as me. Nothing to obtain, nothing to loose breathing here allowing myself to be silent, silence as me.

abuse:

When doing groceries last night someone was walking behind me he wanted to pass my back while standing in the queue in front of the cashier. So I moved to give him space.He then returned back saying I will lekker’stand next to you. I didn’t paid him much attention and didn’t turned to check this person out just said “Ok what you want”.

So when standing in the queue I placed my stuff on the band and I placed my basket on top of the stack that was already there. Apparently the basket wasn’t stacked properly and I heard Hey that’s not how it supposed to be stacked and I responded no it isn’t, is it? While doing the stacking thingy and simultaneously placing the groceries on the band. He looked at me and said well stack it properly – I was instantly reacting towards these words and his body language as well and said without giving it a second thought: “Hey calm down”

Then the air started moving so to speak it caused a lot of friction in the overcrowded supermarket and very long queue. Like everyone was holding their breathe – so when I was scanning the moment I saw that the person I said this too was kind of tall and looked quite muscular and strong – uhum lol military look and he was bald and very demanding within his presentation hence the bomber jacket and dr martens shoes. So I reconsidered thought “ok” I behave like L in the play yard when she’s screaming too big boys not really within her league! I became quite anxious meaning a lot of energy was running through my body. I am referring to the physical experience of it. I mean this man could knock me out easily and in any other situation he would have done this. I saw the aggression within his presence I felt fearful.

So I stepped back I stopped participating within it – better not take changes. I have seen the play out of these moment when one is stretching it to far so to speak it can turn out to become very ugly. Meaning that someone gets physically abusive as well. Because that’s ‘underneath’ the surface of it and it’s only a small step to act upon it.

What is fascinating is that he started sweet talking to the cashier like in “Hey baby” and so on that actually shows me that he was trying to compensate the play out of a personality suite he acted out before while his reaction towards a basket that wasn’t stacked properly instigated a whole mind construct where he participated within and I reacted upon automatically – so I was trapped within this system manifestation as well meaning how symbols resonantically are igniting BS to happen even in public places or just I must say.

The reaction I am looking at here was ignited by ‘me’ through ignoring him and not making contact with him as he was looking for ‘contact’ and when this was not met by me he started to find fault within me. And turned that initial approach of making contact with me into attacking/intimidating me.

Actually such a obvious and ‘childish’ manipulative expression “give me what I want if not I will manipulate until I have it even when this means that I am abusive disregard everyone and everything b/c I am able to do so, its my right to do so.”

In constant need of confirmation of ones existence – sigh= which is not even real

I was looking at it from the perspective of god and ego.

A super Ego- energy must go – is like a god it needs nourishment and confirmation.It requires worship and foremost attention – lol its the play out of energy in a nut shell.

So I haven’t been encountering this particular experience where I am so explicitly subject of abuse before. I never actually locked into this kind of (verbally) aggressive expression directly directed towards me- that only happened  a few times recently when I witnessed a mind possession.

Best is to not react in any way. Just stop and breathe through it there is really nothing you can do about it in this reality in space and time.

So the more clear I am standing and live this stand the more the attacks will intensify so better to stand absolute. And stop myself so give everything to me to breathe and SF and take it in instantly within the moment.

I am not willing to meet the invitation for picking a fight with beings that allow them selves to be mind possessed. Let the resonances sort it out that’s suggested by Desteni and that is obvious best.

When being confronted with this the first time I was kind of baffled and shocked I didn’t see it coming at all, now I do.  I experienced while pointing such reactive behavior out that the other is either stopping or is even getting more possessed by  its perceptual experience of self. And thus allow oneself to be abusive. Best for all to stop participating within the relationship.That’s what it takes to stand – that’s what the practical application is of this point. No more abuse I allow within my direct world

I will not stand within it, its actually impossible to stand within abusive – that’s a law of this reality one will align oneself with what the abuser is allowing within oneself.

It takes freaking guts and real action to stand as this point.

The more people do so the sooner we realize that we are All  and that we move as one and equal! So we can stop the actual insanity in this world and  that starts by not allowing abuse  within my direct world any more. I walk absolute.

Not that I don’t take responsibility for that person or the attacker in fact by not allowing it within my world and yet at the same time take the point on and walk the solution for all.

I also deleted all friends who have been approaching me on face book with a hair fettish  all comments on my pictures and so on.Really what’s the point  it holds no substance. And allowing such things I have seen is only accumulating abuse. Which I experienced already, some wacko started posting/mailing me all kinds of shit – lol

So relating this back to relationships in my world –what is serving me thus all what is holding substance and what not. Whom I invite into my world my direct world b/c I am responsible for the invite and the invitee – 😀

Relationships as in being and spending time with ‘talking heads’ can be quite straining, so a clear standing a clear stipulation in what one stand as is certainly required for walking the scripture into completion. It always boils down to this, writing is the key support point the scripture the preparation of the re-alignment.

The written word is only valid when this is lived for the betterment of all.

Scripture is the preparation ground, the basic platform of support one gives to oneself. Daily and consistently strengthen yourself through

Writing

writing, preparing through scripting the way before oneself.

Also in writings I come back to that basic platform that point of self where I reflect, bring it back to self as the stability point the pillar of support when my life or the events in my life seemingly thorns the ground beneath me. So I see that in writing I give myself the opportunity to let stability as me to step forth again. I also realize when I walk away from writing I walk away from me, and when I do not push through the resistance of getting to this clear point within writing out my day I am not pushing it to the max. I push, I will myself into being, simple. The more resistance there is the more I push and it’s indicative that I am at the exact right spot.

Resistance is a cool measurement tool and revealing clearly  the demand of the push. When tiredness or sleepiness, heaviness is really kicking in I write and breathe through it until I stand clear Here.

So within this I understand that writing must always be the priority point as who I am within this process through real labor a real action to will myself into being.

I will myself into creation.

I will do so until the point of writing is not relevant anymore-lol

I will do so until I stand absolute  here as Life thats what I commited myself to do and thats what I will into Being.

I am the directive principle of me.

thats it for now

2010 Structural living of the word Justice II

So Ok

Another dimension opened up- while looking at the point justice and how I live this point as me.

When looking back – Yesterday at Z’s party a kid peed its pants. So I was comforting him saying that we all have sometimes an accident with peeing and so on. He was quite satisfied with the words, until another girl started to make comments that he peed his pants. I can see now in retrospective that I was entering the point of ‘Justice’ where I make sure that everyone in my world in my reality is treated ‘Fair’ in relation to ‘Unfair’. So a polarity construct where I ‘m not aware of and also haven’t find  ‘fault’ within its participation. Its automated as me I do not direct it, this point is directing me as a puppet on a string.

So not finding anything ‘wrong’ with me participating within it.It wasn’t even a question within my reality at least not from the perspective of its starting point nor the necessity of its alignment, the resonances has been pointing this system design out to me. ‘Justice’ from the perspective of ‘Fairness’ to remain ‘Sane’ and in ‘Control’. Ok! I can very well relate to this and also see and observed the play out of this system manifestation in action. I was aware of this construct existent within me yet I never questioned the origin point of it nor its re-alignment. I actually always got stuck in the question why I experienced this and not how I ended up in this version, and where, when etc..Its all about being able to ask the right questions.  Ok so,..

I also perceived being ‘Fair’ as a  high valued personality asset/highly appreciated personalty feature- uhum yeah.

Hmm questionable actually b/c when I look at it now, its starting point stems from consciousness of structure. so the accumulating effect of it serves the structure of consciousness.

Dictionary

Justice

justice |ˈjəstis|

noun

1 just behavior or treatment : a concern for justice, peace, and genuine respect for people.

• the quality of being fair and reasonable : the justice of his case.

• the administration of the law or authority in maintaining this : a tragic miscarriage of justice.

• ( Justice) the personification of justice, usually a blindfolded woman holding scales and a sword.

2 a judge or magistrate, in particular a judge of the supreme court of a country or state.

PHRASES

bring someone to justice arrest someone for a crime and ensure that they are tried in court.

do oneself justice perform as well as one is able to.

do someone/something justice (or do justice to someone/something) do, treat, or represent with due fairness or appreciation : the brief menu does not do justice to the food.

in justice to out of fairness to : I say this in justice to both of you.

rough justice see rough .

DERIVATIVES

justiceship |-ˌ sh ip| noun ( in sense 2).

ORIGIN late Old English iustise [administration of the law,] via Old French from Latin justitia, from justus (see just ).

Ok, I see this standing out:

From Latin ‘iustise’ administration of the law – ok justice is living by law by the written word – I also see how I exchanged equality the principle for the laws of consciousness by integrating into my reality/this world.

The symbol of justice is also a cool allegory a blindfolded woman holding scales, being blind for the polarity construct one is so mistakable holding as ‘justice’ and ‘fairness’. B/c the only thing that is ‘just’- which means ‘law’ or ‘right’- is what is within the equality equation.

So fascinating enough I always lived the words ‘Justice’& ‘Fairness’ measured through the laws within the structure of consciousness. And within this I made sure that everything and everyone was always treated ‘Fair’ and thus within the system manifestation of it. ‘Justifiable’ through reason from the starting point that every thing/point within my world had to be ‘fair’. So situations/ people within my world were always measured by these standards and I started doing this already from a very early age. Probably to gain and give me a fake pillar of support within the structure to hold on to as the last point that could give me  some sanity/fairness within my world. Yeah, other wise I would have lost my sanity or to be more specific I was afraid of loosing my sanity within my world by loosing control of my world and its structure- lol

Sanity originates from Latin – so that means health as well. So this construct which I lived ‘Sanity’ through was preventing me from loosing control thus from going insane.

Sanity – insanity

Memory: I remember being a child going into absolute anger and the experience of unfairness when people didn’t what they said they would do. My sister canceled her promise/ appointment with me and I went into such anger and such agony/rage and experienced ‘Unfairness’ in my bones. The sense of being powerless to such things b/c spoken words seemingly wasn’t law. And probably I already started to design myself into this specific set of words and living through them already ‘working’ on and designing my sense of ‘Sanity’ and thus ‘Control’ to keep a sense of ‘stability’ within the structure.  So to make sure I never experienced such within myself ever again to never feel Injustice again towards me and to make sure that no one would ever treat me unfair! From now on I would measure everything within my world through the law of ‘Justice’, to give me a sense of ‘Sanity’ in a insane world.

I also see that I couldn’t place this ‘Unfairness’ within my world at all – it was to ‘big’ to handle and none  could explain this construct to me or why people break a promise so basically why people in this world are not living the words they speak.

This to ‘big to handle’ has actually prevented me from looking right through the deception as well getting more clarity b/c I designed myself as such that I would never dare to question this design/construct other wise I would ‘loose’ my ‘sanity’ and thus my fake sense of ‘control’ within the structure- so basically I would loose myself within it.

And that actually happened when I started to study the material my ground was moving underneath me, yeah! B/c I actually saw/realised that my sense of ‘Justice’ wasn’t a real one – yet a fake one a make belief one, a structured one which didn’t entailed any substance anything real to it. It has shaken me quite a bit quite simulair as when I was working  specific customized excercise by the resonances. Holding food while preparing diner and how I ‘saw’ what fake life actually is all about. I experienced the expression of the food here as me. It was actually only after the resonances cross-reference chat and them pointing out to me that I must have been surprised how that excercise went I only then started seeing it-lol. And now when I’m writing about it I actually become aware that I didn’t get to a point of clarity nor did I have been writing about it that much b/c at that time about 2 months ago, my personal scenery did  changed so much that I wasn’t at a stable point to write that much and also wasnt really paying attention, not really slowing down- lol

So walking this point and expanding on it, how everything is structured as consciousness. And at the same time exploring this point through writing more as well.

So back to the words ‘Justice’-/’Fairness’-/ ‘Sanity’

So that’s it?

Nope seriously this point I have become completely and utterly without even knowing what the fuck I am participating within. So what I have stated and observed before is that within everything I participate within/observe/see I measure on the scales of ‘Justice’ so that’s what I automated to do. Why? B/c that’s how I programmed myself so I need to de-engineer it again.

Its playing out within my relationships actually with everything and all in this world, my reality. So I am always balancing this out. Always looking for that perfect spot to make sure everything is how I want it to be within this mind manifestation construct to remain in control of my world. Ok so an other dimension opened up as well namely the point of my allocation- point within the system related to my adoption.

While seeing the correlation  I got pissed off and I had tears in my eyes of release and anger.

So what did I see? So how does this equate to each other? I mean I saw that those two points are intertwined  through the unfairness of the ‘situation’- the adoption story= the information I was holding as such. This story always instigated a sense of ‘Justice’ in people, as in “The world shouldn’t be like this”. Yet there is a certain ‘Fairness’ within our system and this ‘fairness’ is the ‘saving’ grace of humanity because see fairness exist within the hearts of men, we are inherent good. Adoption exist so that is the ‘Fairness’ of the system. Balancing out the equation of the law of consciousness. You loose some you win some but justice will always win and fair play will always prevail- such fools we are.

Bringing all of the point Here, so  ‘Justice’ within the system. We have laws the written word we can now be treated and treat each other  fair and been hold accountable for one actions when e.g. injustice has done to each other. We can turn to the written words, the written laws of this world. Now there are always certain situation that are seen as ‘unfair’ and inequitable. Children and especially abandonded children is a sensitive entry/trigger point for the hearts of men it will ignite the construct manifestation design of ‘Justice/injustice  and – fair/unfair .The  Laws of the ‘heart’ of men the so called good inherent nature of men kind will reign. One will pay off ones guilt through participating in the construct of ‘Fairness’ it will  prevail above the Equality Equation . Fairness and Justice are men made to cover up the real situation at hand, why even create and ‘live’ through these words that are Empty shelves to hide behind words. Information constructed to deliberately blindfold ourselves of the truth? To make sure we will not Empower the child that is dying and in need of care, nor Empower our neighbour for the betterment of All. No preference will prevail ‘Justice’ and ‘Fairness’ will prevail instead of empowering everyone equally! No more this will end as we are creating a new world re-aligning our  starting point in the best interest of All that will empower the social weak and fore most the children that will come to this world.

So, probably that’s how I stand/stood  as, my allocation point within the grid.  ‘Justice’/ ‘Injustice’ -/ ‘Fair’/’Unfair’ looping in and as the polarity play out of this point. Already through and as the placement of me within the system by ‘even’ thinking of the adoption by telling the story about it, always feeding the construct- the structural design of it. By living through the definitions of ‘Fairness’ and ‘Justice’ feeding it and making sure that I remained and everyone else within it.I engineered the structural point as  the physical without any understanding, awareness of it existence in any way nor its purpose.

So re-alignment is required.

Fascinating really!

More on this later