2011 Unwrapping Self-Suppression

Wrap sounds like crap – lol

Underneath anger, rage and embarrassment within me, the real experience lies dormant, which I didn’t yet allowed myself to embrace as part of me. While walking the TL of a Mind Construct a window of opportunity opens up to go to the core of the suppressed slumbering real experience of oneself that’s so tightly wrapped up as more ‘acceptable’/’suitable’ expressions such as anger and irritation.

While walking Time Lines, which is part of Mind Construct within the SRA course, one is slowing oneself down to walk through memories as the actual participant and so opening oneself up. While doing so I see an energetic ‘wall’ which is the resistance, I walk through it to be able to go to the core of the real experience of self that opens up the suppressed experience such as: Feeling less than, Feeling inferior, Feeling unequal.

Experiences such as being inferior/unequal/less than is not a good thing so I deem it as ‘bad’, and must be immediately suppressed

I start opening up more getting and becoming more comfortable with what is here as experience as me while taking this ‘in’. I experience a shock an electrical shock of waking up to the real experience of self; which is through walking the layout of the Mind Constructs within the SRA-Course showing its Real face. Simultaneously while walking through it, opening up I experience a physical relief.
I’m amazed actually in disbelief how something so simple could have lie dormant right in front of my eyes without being able to break through the boundaries of the control.

Self, in –to- me- I- see, becoming familiar with me, getting to know me! Self first!
So this is self-intimacy in actual application, allowing myself to see beyond anger, rage, irritation, to allow myself to surface the suppressed experience. To allow myself to see that I experience feelings such as: being hurt, inferior, embarrassment, feel less and so on it exist within me and its ok to see this part of me which doesn’t imply that its acceptable– lol
It’s here for realignment, a window of opportunity so I can stop the automated suppression of categorised bad experiences of myself.
When did this automated self-suppression become an habitual coping mechanism in the first place?

Ok, Cool!
It’s not that bad – lol

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2011 SF Self Suppression

• Sf on suppressing the real experience within: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real, raw experience within in relation to m’s arrival back ‘home’
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear m’s return back ‘home’
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from this fear /this person, from the real raw experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from what I experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny the real experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that I must strong and keep up face regardless of the real experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always must stand within every experience within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always have to be strong and up to the task
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny emotions of being hurt within me
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions of being hurt within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress my feelings
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I actually feel within
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions as they arise
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my tears
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I experience myself in fights, arguments, backchat, cheatings, back stabbing
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the experience of myself in order to be able to survive within the system
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be strong
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being strong as suppressing the real emotions of being hurt within.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as bad
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define feelings as bad
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to categorise emotions and feelings as bad as a no- go area and therefore suppress them within myself.

2011 Back Chat within Creates without

I started a back-chat diary

w o w

That’s in fact revealing and dirty to say the least, all that severely hurts me within others behavior which always led to self compromise because I couldn’t  ‘stand’ within it exist within me as well.

So I bring it all back to self Here after I got possessed by anger towards a person. Took me a day to get this starting point straight again, sometimes I still try to convince if maybe, possibly, someone else is to blame for my experience – lol  – can’t do. This anger outburst of mine I can see  clearly now created through firstly fear towards seeing this person agin and while seeing this person again while talking together it became anger fed by allowed back chat which I can see is part of a suppressed unresolved part of me, not yet faced shit. I see clearly that I wasn’t directing me immediately in the moment when the fear was here within me  and I actually allowed to become petrified and that led to anger. My mis take.

The back chat that’s the most revealing is the one that is instantaneously simultaneously manifested while observing/participating within my world/reality . I can clearly see that it always accompanies a feeling, holds information.

Those, the immediate back-chats are the ones that are holding hidden self definitions, those I want to hold on to. The automation of the back-chat is indicative of these personality traits through simply observing/hearing the back chats while participating within my world/reality.

Kind of ugly shit – especially knowing that all exist within such ugly shit! If the back-chat would be revealed in one moment when talking to each other we would through the nastiness of it go insane or be in severe trouble by the ugliness of it.Probably we would smack each others heads. Back-chat the outflow of the principle of destruction to keep one firmly seated within ones Ego. This destruction is what we are living into being, the manifested consequence which is this world/ this reality.

Ok, so I got slightly depressed and severely shocked by the existence of the ugliness within me, the pile of ugliness is endless there seems to be always more, which is nothing else than waking up to the extend of the fuckedness of ones existence, alright, so I can’t stay within such allowed state for too long.

I’ve been creating the ugliness myself, Ok, so I push myself so I can stop myself and learn from the soft voices in my head; which is rather loud in its demands for winning and its call for destruction.Everyone’s backchat is as ugly as mine its real nasty shit. I will investigate my back chat, time to get the nasty shit out.

Back chat diaries the real secret within

2011 Back Chat as Mind POSSEssion

So some side-notes about my commitment to post my writings onto my blog

Before I pushed the enter button thoughts are flashing through my mind – the girls refer to thoughts as movies within our heads- we have become possessed by the movie in our heads.

Thoughts as back-chat:

– “Its pointless”

– “I’m being dramatically within my writings”

– “I’m pedant within my writings”

So actually activities/characteristic I categorized as ‘bad’ and that’s why I don’t want to be seen as such. It holds judgment and fear

– “Its pointless”

Inherent belief that one can’t ‘fight’ the Giant, all Ants together makes the Giant.

– “I’m being dramatically within my writings”

Ok so here I see judgment towards emotions, and judgments as fear towards energy.

– “I’m pedant within my writings”

subtle self manipulation where I’m then tempted to give into b/c its seemingly ok to not want to act in a certain way, there doesn’t exist such a ‘certain’ way in fact, its only one way the way thats best for all.

Explaining yourself why you shouldn’t do something through reasoning is always irrational and uses logic to make your point valid and is actually a mind possession, so you walk your day from one mind possession to the next one. Really unnecessary.

We reason our way into infinity, we have become the Posse of the Possessed ones with no other reason than to keep the cause of the reason=possession alive. Time to get back to reality!

Get to know your mind demons:

http://demonology.co.za

2009 The Realm of Dead People

I realized that my mother was lost after she died and how I said to her” Fuck off” when she ‘came’ to me.
I was ‘feeling’ her within me, lost, she was so lost. She really didn’t know where she was at all I realize now. She was utterly lost when she died and that she was wandering in the dimensional plane not knowing where she was at all. And she kept keeping back to the ppl she know when she was still in the physical plane, she went to see her kids. And I said “Fuck Off” she actually didn’t understand that, so she left us alone.
I said to her to “Go Away, Leave me Alone” and I realize I just see now that she didn’t know where she was at, lost as we’re All lost.

I feel ashamed as I see know that I was lost too.

I remember telling this to my father and that he answered is this really necessary, why are you so cruel to her?
It was during my miscarriage that these things opened up to me, I could for the first time ‘communicate’ with the intangible world. Before I actually never wanted to have anything to do with a world I couldn’t see or touch and I was petrified off it as well. It was just a no-go-area also due to my early childhood experiences.
As a child I was petrified by demons my sister could ‘see’ them and I could ‘sense’ them.So I said as a child to never ever communicate with a world I couldn’t touch. I’m grateful to all that walked before us that have been preparing the way so the demons were able to purify themselves. No demon will ever do harm onto children anymore. I just know that this is an absolute, there are no demons as they existed to haunt us anymore.
I’ve seen and experienced how horrific it was. No more!

The ‘Spirit’ world. Someone pointed out to me that there exist a possibility that dead people could be lost as well. That there is no absolute certainty that things would be all fine when being dead, in the after Life.
I already saw this point but couldn’t really pin point it. I thought that those wandering after death where ‘lost’ souls and within this I wanted to make sure that this would never happen to me.

I was only interested in me, myself and I and my own comfort.