2012- Finding Purpose

purpose:

the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists”

My entire life I’ve been looking for a purpose I actually got in severe problems because of this seeking of the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists”

Simple because I couldn’t find it in any way and it brought me to a mental break down read severe depression. Somewhere down the line I had picked up that I simply must have a purpose otherwise my live would be totally meaningless within this world/reality or existence even. Yet wherever I looked I couldn’t found a purpose of living. So it’s actually the question of wanting to know why one exists, which is probably a question in many of us. Which is already also locks one within the equation of the question “why” instead of “how” one is living and see if within the “how” one is living is possible a way out of the “why”.

I completely overlooked “how” I live and “how” we exist! Not even considering that there could be answers within, meaning looking at myself from a different perspective/ platform than I’m used to or taught to. I must say that actually at that stage there wasn’t any other way to reflect upon my reality than I did b/c I simply was lacking a platform based on common sense within to reflect upon!

Looking for a purpose in this world/life existence is simply another form of believing in (a) god that will miraculously give you purpose and that’s what I was exercising all the way through, yet I wasn’t even aware of it. The wrapper of this search was called inner soul-searching which is nothing else than how to obey a god and furthermore to ask god to give you a purpose.

Asking someone else for a purpose in your life is like sitting in the kitchen looking at a huge pile of dishes and waiting for someone to enter the door to tell you how to clean it . lol

It’s just plain stupid.

This path of believing that one will find a purpose somewhere will and can only lead to absolute isolation. To illustrate it with a personal experience I mean at a certain point I was only being occupied with this one question what’s my fucking purpose? So I went to see a spiritual healer and the moment I walked out the door again I was holding a little bottle of water, which was injected with a cosmic organic voice from the universe that vibrated with mine. For full effect I had to wear day and night unto my skin. So I did, I stacked this tiny little bottle into my bra and can remember feeling in a total recognised onto my way of finding my true purpose within this world. Sharing this story is in no way to ridicule anyone! ~It only illustrates how far out I was.

And how far we disconnected ourselves from seeing the dishes that needs to be cleaned, getting it done. We have disconnected ourselves from seeing what we have created in this world and what exist within ourselves by consistently denying reality as it is. For me to be able to find a purpose in the first place can only exist while others are not even placed in such luxurious positions, a simple fact I overlooked within my quest of self-interest matters is: That for me to have others cannot have! ! !

How far out I’d been, seeking for self-interest goals, how did I separated myself to isolate myself from all others not even considering all others because I couldn’t even Consider or Grasp that I am part of All.

Looking for a purpose is overlooking the state of this world and that this world must be sorted out into a world that’s benefiting all! Is this now a new purpose of living? I would say yes because best for all is always here. It will stand into infinity, solid as a rock its the only valid purpose of living b/c it includes all life! So that’s the purpose I have given to myself and that’s what I will show my children as well!

A purpose is something given to you, a form of control that reveals itself in the way the world works. This then allows one to realize if you dare that if you are not the one that gave you the purpose, you are mind controlled. The only valid purpose that will be universally sustainable for eternity is that which is best for all life in all ways. make sure you are not the result of forces –rather be the force of life that give equality as one to all. The finding of a purpose is self deception. Purpose as what is best for all is always here. Only self interest let one seek your self interest and happiness in isolation. Those that do not in every breath live and dedicate themselves to what is best for all life is in fact lost in self interest and external happiness remote control.


- Bernard Poolman

 

 

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2011 Introducing myself- my story Finding Desteni, the journey to Self


When I stumbled upon my first video at Desteni back in dec. 2007 I couldn’t have imagine that it would actually be the beginning of the end of ‘me’.

I walked the world matrix quite extensively meaning I did my education, got a professional career, got into relationship, got a child, quit my job to be a stay at home mom. The journey, which led me to this life and this version of me, is the actual process I am walking, to study and investigate my accepted and allowed reality within the Desteni ‘I’ process.

I’ve been raised as a Christian yet my parents were not strict in practising their religion. By the time I was ten or so I really saw that Nope the bible and its interpretation cannot in fact be so. From there the journey of finding ‘The Truth” of me began. The LOA has been an accepted part of my upbringing; my family were very much into self-help books and psychology. I sincerely believed that it was my actual plight to live the fullest potential of me and become the best of me within the context of what I accepted as “getting the best out of me” in this life. I was a seeker and collector of experiences I wanted to experience it all one of my mantra’s was: “I only live once so I must make the best out of it here and now” Little did I know then, that yes this is so yet what one will bring into creation all depends on ones starting-point-lol

Whether it was Yoga, mediation, psychic reading’s, drugs, alcohol, clubbing, travelling etc.. I wanted to experience it all and from a matrix perspective yes so to speak, I did it all. By the time I settled down to be a mom, I stumbled upon the living application of what’s best for all, – Destonians and Practivism.

Initially by reading and watching the material what was standing out for me were the words used and the clarity within the sentences, how the message was scripted. I never heard such clear structured yet living real langue before. Which was remarkable because we all use words, so to be able to use words in such a way that all seems ‘new’ creating a platform to look at this world/reality from a complete different perspective, was mind-blowing and a call for more!

The message of oneness and equality wasn’t hard to grasp – it resonated within me as the absolute truth, which wasn’t debatable.

I was actually seeking for the truth/life we all do other wise we would be content with our current truth which is our life, each individual life is each individual truth. So when one is seeking one is living the confirmation that one’s life is a lie, common sense.

I immediately started waking with, initially through writing because in writing one gives self the opportunity to pull all hidden information about oneself which is inside to the surface, outside. Writing is an amazing tool to self.

It wasn’t an ‘easy’ or ‘funny’ or a tralalala experience I must say it took me a while to stabilise within integrating the tools of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, 4 count Breathing, Self-Corrective Application into my day-to-day living. Through being consistent in writing and applying the tools on a day-to-day basis I created a platform from where I could walk. This obvious takes time, we’ve been creating ourselves meticulously into specificity and detailed as our accepted expression over a period of time, so walking backwards in space-time in order to walk into corrective application to bring about what’s best for all, will take time and consistent self-willed application.

The forums and the blogs by fellow Destonians have been of invaluable support, I haven’t encountered such a place before where people in self-Honesty are sharing themselves, which takes a lot of courage, discipline and will power, I know from my own experiences what it takes to walk with. My visits to the farm with and without the children have given me a glimpse of what it means/will be like to manifest Heaven on Earth. while being at the Desteni Farm one can experience for a moment to live one and equal to truly support and assist each other as a group. To give All what one wants for themselves, security, safety, comfort which is currently only established and given through money, equal money will end the atrocity so we’ll create a platform from where we will value life as it should have been from the very start.

Initially I wasn’t really walking this process for myself I ‘saw’ my children and the ones yet to come I just had to act on the information and knowledge presented to me.I had to at least give me- and thus my children-an equal opportunity to see for myself what I have become and who I am within what I do.By walking with, I got to a clear and substantial understanding that what I live one and equal as expression will be manifested and the living example for all and for my children, simple!

Being a parent opens up the window of Possibilities and Grace. While interacting with Children one is forced to practically walk instantly, immediately within the moment here – lol No room for introspection, just do it!

While participating with my children, falling and standing up again became a daily living practical action!

In fact the children and the factual relationship with them have been and still is a Real wake up call, a Reality check. Reality as physical substantial manifestation isn’t up to ideas, beliefs, conditions etc..it has completely different laws. Its Direct, Here, Immediately within every moment. It’s useless to be or want to be more than the physical it has been the downfall of man, so time to stand up and walk equality for all as the change we will bring about as the real parents of this world, lets get this done!

So give yourself a reality check and walk with,- if you have the couRage!

Thank you,
Jozien

Image Frida Kahlo:Wat I saw in the Water

2011 Closure

So ok I, it must come to a closure so I will.
The last period has actually been a pause moment a ‘in between phase ‘ this will now come to an end.
There is not so much to say about it, what must be done must be done what must be walked must be walked
and must be walked one step at the time.
I can’t be more or direct more than what I’m able to handle in one breath.

Ok, so let’s do it.

will be continued….

2011 Unwrapping Self-Suppression


Wrap sounds like crap – lol

Underneath anger, rage and embarrassment within me, the real experience lies dormant, which I didn’t yet allowed myself to embrace as part of me. While walking the TL of a Mind Construct a window of opportunity opens up to go to the core of the suppressed slumbering real experience of oneself that’s so tightly wrapped up as more ‘acceptable’/’suitable’ expressions such as anger and irritation.

While walking Time Lines, which is part of Mind Construct within the SRA course, one is slowing oneself down to walk through memories as the actual participant and so opening oneself up. While doing so I see an energetic ‘wall’ which is the resistance, I walk through it to be able to go to the core of the real experience of self that opens up the suppressed experience such as: Feeling less than, Feeling inferior, Feeling unequal.

Experiences such as being inferior/unequal/less than is not a good thing so I deem it as ‘bad’, and must be immediately suppressed

I start opening up more getting and becoming more comfortable with what is here as experience as me while taking this ‘in’. I experience a shock an electrical shock of waking up to the real experience of self; which is through walking the layout of the Mind Constructs within the SRA-Course showing its Real face. Simultaneously while walking through it, opening up I experience a physical relief.
I’m amazed actually in disbelief how something so simple could have lie dormant right in front of my eyes without being able to break through the boundaries of the control.

Self, in –to- me- I- see, becoming familiar with me, getting to know me! Self first!
So this is self-intimacy in actual application, allowing myself to see beyond anger, rage, irritation, to allow myself to surface the suppressed experience. To allow myself to see that I experience feelings such as: being hurt, inferior, embarrassment, feel less and so on it exist within me and its ok to see this part of me which doesn’t imply that its acceptable– lol
It’s here for realignment, a window of opportunity so I can stop the automated suppression of categorised bad experiences of myself.
When did this automated self-suppression become an habitual coping mechanism in the first place?

Ok, Cool!
It’s not that bad – lol

2011 Closing Doors


The future prospect of fucking up again and walking into the same time loop is not preferable, so time to get Real.
And thus: Stay Real! And Be Physical!

So where am I at? And what is Here for me to walk?
Finding myself again Standing face to face with the manifested consequences= Money=Self. Standing in front of this part of me where coping mechanisms patterns starts emerging; which is here once again for me to see and realize a window of opportunity to unravel the totality of the whole pattern. So I can sort it out to not allow myself to walk into unnecessary time loops/experiences again.

Patterns as reactions towards this point:
Sadness as in: “Oh freaking shit no, I can’t handle it” yet suppressed as resonance ‘experience’ I have become this point in its totality. So no need for thoughts to accompany the experience, that’s how one could describe the resonances, patterns that are ‘thoughtless’ yet directive as principle.
Tiredness and sleepiness are indicative of the suppressed state of this point; I actually immediately wanted to sleep as it emerged yet instead I took a bath with the girls, which was great fun-lol.

“Oh no I cant handle this” needs more introspection, it’s a point of self defeat and sabotaging the point of standing all one which also is linked to the matrix of self nurturing that I’m still walking into awareness. I will dig deeper into this write this out into specificity in what I currently see and understand.

Running away: ‘Sneaking’ off to self -created back doors. Running away from walking/ facing the real experience of self, which is suppressed as the accepted habitual nature, tempting and automated to run away again from the real experience specifically related to this point. I see thoughts as back chat coming up yet very slight, it emerges to run off to someone, anything ‘better’ than facing this point head on.
Point of Self- intimacy, who am I as pattern?

I allow myself to remain Here, Solid within me, whole safe, Secure, Comfortable, Strong as Strength anchored in and as the physical walking every moment of and as Here as self commitment as me.

So actually cool! I can from here unravel the pattern, slow it down to root it out
Time to close Doors, simple!

2011 SF Self Suppression

  • Sf on suppressing the real experience within: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real, raw experience within in relation to m’s arrival back ‘home’
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear m’s return back ‘home’
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from this fear /this person, from the real raw experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from what I experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that I must strong and keep up face regardless of the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always must stand within every experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always have to be strong and up to the task
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny emotions of being hurt within me
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions of being hurt within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress my feelings
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I actually feel within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions as they arise
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my tears
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I experience myself in fights, arguments, backchat, cheatings, back stabbing
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the experience of myself in order to be able to survive within the system
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be strong
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being strong as suppressing the real emotions of being hurt within.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as bad
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define feelings as bad
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to categorise emotions and feelings as bad as a no- go area and therefore suppress them within myself.

2011 Back Chat within Creates without

I started a back-chat diary

w o w

That’s in fact revealing and dirty to say the least, all that severely hurts me within others behavior which always led to self compromise because I couldn’t  ‘stand’ within it exist within me as well.

So I bring it all back to self Here after I got possessed by anger towards a person. Took me a day to get this starting point straight again, sometimes I still try to convince if maybe, possibly, someone else is to blame for my experience – lol  – can’t do. This anger outburst of mine I can see  clearly now created through firstly fear towards seeing this person agin and while seeing this person again while talking together it became anger fed by allowed back chat which I can see is part of a suppressed unresolved part of me, not yet faced shit. I see clearly that I wasn’t directing me immediately in the moment when the fear was here within me  and I actually allowed to become petrified and that led to anger. My mis take.

The back chat that’s the most revealing is the one that is instantaneously simultaneously manifested while observing/participating within my world/reality . I can clearly see that it always accompanies a feeling, holds information.

Those, the immediate back-chats are the ones that are holding hidden self definitions, those I want to hold on to. The automation of the back-chat is indicative of these personality traits through simply observing/hearing the back chats while participating within my world/reality.

Kind of ugly shit – especially knowing that all exist within such ugly shit! If the back-chat would be revealed in one moment when talking to each other we would through the nastiness of it go insane or be in severe trouble by the ugliness of it.Probably we would smack each others heads. Back-chat the outflow of the principle of destruction to keep one firmly seated within ones Ego. This destruction is what we are living into being, the manifested consequence which is this world/ this reality.

Ok, so I got slightly depressed and severely shocked by the existence of the ugliness within me, the pile of ugliness is endless there seems to be always more, which is nothing else than waking up to the extend of the fuckedness of ones existence, alright, so I can’t stay within such allowed state for too long.

I’ve been creating the ugliness myself, Ok, so I push myself so I can stop myself and learn from the soft voices in my head; which is rather loud in its demands for winning and its call for destruction.Everyone’s backchat is as ugly as mine its real nasty shit. I will investigate my back chat, time to get the nasty shit out.

Back chat diaries the real secret within