2012 – The Ones that went before Us

It has been hard to grasp for me when I started to walk this process of aligning myself with whats best for all, that there is actually no one to blame and that there is actually no one really other than me that has created this mess.

We, as I experienced have the tendency to blame others for our current lives and the first one’s we actually start blaming for our own misery are our parents. The ones that went before us, and from there on we blame the educational system, jobs,society, politics and so on.

I realise/see and understand that this world is within my own image and likeness and within this understanding the ones that went before me are me in fact , because that’s what I left behind. I see realise and understand that I walk into and emerge from the whole into this world as what I left behind, created already. How could I emerge into something which isn’t me? That would be strange, when being part of the whole one can not emerge into something other than oneself in fact.

So within this realisation I can’t say or claim that the ones that went before me are separated from me because they are part of me, it makes the component of blame a complete different ball game.Its like blaming your back of being part of you and only because you can’t see your back you perceive that its separated from oneself,  yet you will start feeling it when it hurts because its undeniable part of you – lol

Artwork: http://www.thanuka.com/index.php


2011 Up-Date – Laws within this Reality

I have been extremely occupied with all kinds of practical consideration so basically all boils down to the money point again. Which is nothing new in it self, only the extend of how I came about as money and how thus this reality as money came about is still somewhat of a shocking experience which shows me ones again the vastness of ones/our mind control and how we’ve become money as an absolute. Money has replaced life in every possible way and we actually do not have a clue yet to which extend.

I’m currently walking a lot of legal procedures which are all bound to money, even marriage had become or should I say marriage before the law has become a business transaction. The papers one has to sign and thus is bound to because the written word is law in this reality.

I actually never took the effort to study into detail what I was signing up to when getting married. I actually never had given it a second thought even though I thought I was onto it –lol I know now that this wasn’t hardly the case, legal rules and requirements are constantly changing in this reality. Al depending on what is the most profitable way to bend the legal rules to gain more profit.

Ok so walking world matrix legal requirements which is a study in itself, its like collecting data and with this data you will make the best possible combination yet when you don’t have or aren’t able to work/play with all data necessary you will actually be or get fucked simply because you only see part of the whole. Within the legal ‘game’ one needs to have all in place and positioned so that all is placed within a set of rules. If you place something outside of these rules one can not walk the system it will simply not stand a change within it – so walking the system can only be done with utilising system rules which is something I always thought something that can be bent yet I realise that these rules can’t be change by perceiving that one is ‘bending’ some components of it. Only I can change who I am within it thanks to the Desteni ‘I’ process

Ok that’s it for now,thanks!

2009 Self Love

1 August 2009

The promise of the first day of the month as something new has started, the illusion of something ‘new’, something fresh, something pure.

Which is not something new, fresh or pure in fact!

The first days of depression here, I can say that its depression. Referring back to B words that we all have to transcend, spitefulness, depression and relationship as the tree major points one must walk.

I experience depression very prominent lately and it’s quite extensively as well. It goes up and down or it’s not an up and down but an outflow of the self realisations and it becomes more and more difficult the more I expose myself to me, the more I allow myself to be and become intimate with myself, the more shit is being revealed as the extensive programming I live in fact without even being aware of it because I live this in actuality. You can’t see what you are, I never could really understand this. But I see that this is a fact and that I live this in fact that what I have become.

You can’t see what you are in fact what and who you have become in fact I realize if you would see and self realize this in one moment you would actually die from grieve and shame.

I always had this thought about myself that I was very aware of myself but I’m not this has been proven to me through writing consistently every day. By reading back my writings from the last two months I see that I’m continiously living the same cycle over and over again. Without even being aware of it, not seeing the whole of it and how I‘ve become this in fact and living this as me the actuality of me.
How can you possibly see that what you are living every day?

And yes when reading back I became depressed once more. This depression is quite an experience.

To such an extend that I lie down in my bed and embrace me crying because really there is nothing else to do there is no place I can go to ‘ease’ my self-created misery.

Points to consider:
When embracing me there was specifically a point to look at a point that I’ve been applying much self-forgiveness on already in writing.

Embracing me in as the source of:
Self- nurturing
Self- love
Being gentle with and as self
Holding self

These are points that lock into mother matrix and how I, all are fucked by our mothers and then fuck ourselves and all others as self and keep running the program. It actually doesn’t matter what kind of live you have had, in essence the same construct.

Within my live very prominent – I was adopted when I was four years old and could actually never understand why mothers leave their children, giving them away for others to raise. My adopted mother never showed any affection towards me, never at all she didn’t wanted me in her live.

Going back to my depression I was lying in bed when I came to a point that i wasn’t even able to cry I was just numbed out.
I was holding me: As self love, As self nurturing, As self being gentle with me.

And then I experienced a release I was actually able to hold me specifically within the above points for the first time and the next day I was laughing about it as unlashing self-enjoyment.

I’m all above definitions of what I was looking for already and fighting against myself all this time, I am all these points in fact here as me. No need to fight against this, so that was cool to stand as the following: Self- nurturing, Self-love,Self -gentleness, Holding self, all of me.

I actually never could hold myself as these points because I was conditioned by looking for these definitions ‘out there’ not even being aware of All of me here already it, how could I have known? I was always looking for someone giving it to me.

I realize that writing consistently on a daily basis is the foundation of getting the shit in front of you and allow yourself to see and realize how extensively this existence is fucked and how extensively we’re ingrained in this reality we call life. Its even more fucked up and then I realized it was

Looking at it from the perspective as a mother I now have to live this in fact here in and as the physical in every moment of breath to realize this and to live this in fact as me. The little ones are the trigger points always and now I have to stand even when I fall I get myself up.

I am gentleness as me in fact

I am love as me in fact

I hold me all of me here in fact

I embrace all of me here in fact as the living expression of me

Zina is seeing it clearly even pointing it out to me. “Now you’re angry mommy”
Lou is already slamming doors when copying me and saying “angry” boos, boos.

Yep the flower of life which has been removed and how I’ve been programmed and then after you become 28 your living it as you in fact deeper a deeper into it until you die. Until you have completely and totally abdicated to the system. People do not grow old gracefully oh no it’s horrific to be with old people to see what they’ve become to see a glimpse of the ‘future’ you.

Ok! I am Here standing and I have two beings I’m responsible for I made an agreement with myself to walk with them as me and I have to stand for them as Life as me and for all the children yet to come.

2009 Dreams and Osho Zen Tarot Cards

Friday 17 July

Dream one:
Seeing only guys making swirls in a huge swimming pool, more off a lake and the water was not blue but dark and I was a little bit afraid of making the swirls myself and when I did so I was ‘nothing’ and completely anxiety free.

I was talking to someone as well, pointing out that the guys were making swirls

Me making a swirl into the water – Ripeness
The water – innocence
The guys who made swirls already- No-Thingness
Overall – maturity

Pointing it out telling it to someone- possibilities

Dream two:

Walking into a restaurant with M and the kids walking next to the hip/urban crowd sitting in the front as we were looking for a available table. We sat down next to the lavatory and M was assisting us to sit/settle down as he was about to leave again.

The place, the restaurant . Beyond illusion is how I’m observing the unified field atm
M assisting me to sit down – Breakthrough
It was a spot near the lavatory as I was thinking in the dream ok all the hip/cool ppl are sitting in the front and I’m at this spot at the lavatory ok I will manage – possibilities
Sitting down there with the kids and mo leaving – Transformation
Me and the kids together – harmony
Overall dream- Understanding

That’s what I see that I’m starting to get some understanding how I exist in the Unified Field and how we the kids,M and me are placed within it.
As I see as well, that I still experience myself as the burden within the whole experience being with the kids, but not from the perspective that I experience them as a burden but me together with them and to walk with them through that what is already done, through my pre-programmed live and the only thing I can do is to stand within it.

Walk, Stand, Direct and Embrace.