1 August 2009
The promise of the first day of the month as something new has started, the illusion of something ‘new’, something fresh, something pure.
Which is not something new, fresh or pure in fact!
The first days of depression here, I can say that its depression. Referring back to B words that we all have to transcend, spitefulness, depression and relationship as the tree major points one must walk.
I experience depression very prominent lately and it’s quite extensively as well. It goes up and down or it’s not an up and down but an outflow of the self realisations and it becomes more and more difficult the more I expose myself to me, the more I allow myself to be and become intimate with myself, the more shit is being revealed as the extensive programming I live in fact without even being aware of it because I live this in actuality. You can’t see what you are, I never could really understand this. But I see that this is a fact and that I live this in fact that what I have become.
You can’t see what you are in fact what and who you have become in fact I realize if you would see and self realize this in one moment you would actually die from grieve and shame.
I always had this thought about myself that I was very aware of myself but I’m not this has been proven to me through writing consistently every day. By reading back my writings from the last two months I see that I’m continiously living the same cycle over and over again. Without even being aware of it, not seeing the whole of it and how I‘ve become this in fact and living this as me the actuality of me.
How can you possibly see that what you are living every day?
And yes when reading back I became depressed once more. This depression is quite an experience.
To such an extend that I lie down in my bed and embrace me crying because really there is nothing else to do there is no place I can go to ‘ease’ my self-created misery.
Points to consider:
When embracing me there was specifically a point to look at a point that I’ve been applying much self-forgiveness on already in writing.
Embracing me in as the source of:
Being gentle with and as self
These are points that lock into mother matrix and how I, all are fucked by our mothers and then fuck ourselves and all others as self and keep running the program. It actually doesn’t matter what kind of live you have had, in essence the same construct.
Within my live very prominent – I was adopted when I was four years old and could actually never understand why mothers leave their children, giving them away for others to raise. My adopted mother never showed any affection towards me, never at all she didn’t wanted me in her live.
Going back to my depression I was lying in bed when I came to a point that i wasn’t even able to cry I was just numbed out.
I was holding me: As self love, As self nurturing, As self being gentle with me.
And then I experienced a release I was actually able to hold me specifically within the above points for the first time and the next day I was laughing about it as unlashing self-enjoyment.
I’m all above definitions of what I was looking for already and fighting against myself all this time, I am all these points in fact here as me. No need to fight against this, so that was cool to stand as the following: Self- nurturing, Self-love,Self -gentleness, Holding self, all of me.
I actually never could hold myself as these points because I was conditioned by looking for these definitions ‘out there’ not even being aware of All of me here already it, how could I have known? I was always looking for someone giving it to me.
I realize that writing consistently on a daily basis is the foundation of getting the shit in front of you and allow yourself to see and realize how extensively this existence is fucked and how extensively we’re ingrained in this reality we call life. Its even more fucked up and then I realized it was
Looking at it from the perspective as a mother I now have to live this in fact here in and as the physical in every moment of breath to realize this and to live this in fact as me. The little ones are the trigger points always and now I have to stand even when I fall I get myself up.
I am gentleness as me in fact
I am love as me in fact
I hold me all of me here in fact
I embrace all of me here in fact as the living expression of me
Zina is seeing it clearly even pointing it out to me. “Now you’re angry mommy”
Lou is already slamming doors when copying me and saying “angry” boos, boos.
Yep the flower of life which has been removed and how I’ve been programmed and then after you become 28 your living it as you in fact deeper a deeper into it until you die. Until you have completely and totally abdicated to the system. People do not grow old gracefully oh no it’s horrific to be with old people to see what they’ve become to see a glimpse of the ‘future’ you.
Ok! I am Here standing and I have two beings I’m responsible for I made an agreement with myself to walk with them as me and I have to stand for them as Life as me and for all the children yet to come.