2012 – The Ones that went before Us

It has been hard to grasp for me when I started to walk this process of aligning myself with whats best for all, that there is actually no one to blame and that there is actually no one really other than me that has created this mess.

We, as I experienced have the tendency to blame others for our current lives and the first one’s we actually start blaming for our own misery are our parents. The ones that went before us, and from there on we blame the educational system, jobs,society, politics and so on.

I realise/see and understand that this world is within my own image and likeness and within this understanding the ones that went before me are me in fact , because that’s what I left behind. I see realise and understand that I walk into and emerge from the whole into this world as what I left behind, created already. How could I emerge into something which isn’t me? That would be strange, when being part of the whole one can not emerge into something other than oneself in fact.

So within this realisation I can’t say or claim that the ones that went before me are separated from me because they are part of me, it makes the component of blame a complete different ball game.Its like blaming your back of being part of you and only because you can’t see your back you perceive that its separated from oneself,  yet you will start feeling it when it hurts because its undeniable part of you – lol

Artwork: http://www.thanuka.com/index.php

2009 Siblings as Extension of the Mother

LouLou is seeking for comfort and runs off to Zina when I don’t comfort her. Same as what I was always doing, I ran off to my older sister seeking for comfort. She has been pointing this out to me very clearly some years ago after I had a miscarriage and expected comfort from her. I couldn’t believe thats she  pointed this out to me. I was so angry with her because I wanted her to comfort me, to be all what I wanted her to be for me an extension of my ‘mother’.

Please forgive me for my ignorance. I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to seek comfort through the company of my sister by projecting all my perceived motherly missed attention onto her.

This has been the underlying reason the real starting point for not having contact with her for a while, some time ago. The oldest child is placed as an extension of the mother/father within the family matrix design.Hence my creation of projecting my wants needs of being in need of motherly comfort onto her. I see this very clearly now.

Its time to study what family and siblings actually are standing for to be able to realign the family unit with what is best for All.

2009 Fear of Public Humiliation


Monday 3 August 2009

Fear of Public Humiliation, I experienced this quite a bit, extensively I must say.
First time I was getting really aware of it was when I planned to go to the farm: “What would others think of me as a mother?” Fear of public judgment, embarrassment.

Now being here at the campground: What would the neighbours think of me when I’m so pissed off when the kids are awake at 4 o’clock  in the morning and stay awake for 2 hours and, or when Zina is waking Lou up in the middle of the night and me being utterly irritated by it, being utterly ashamed that they may have overheard me talking to the kids to shut up and that they need to go back to sleep.

DO I remain here as breathe? Oh no I get irritated I want to sleep!
And then it creeps in:
-Who did hear me?
-Who will judge me?
-What will the neighbours think of me?

It’s so silent here someone must have heard me being irritated, saying: “shut the fuck up, omfg I’m so embarrassed.”

Same with C, When I cried in front of her this is already almost 2 years ago and still do I feel shame that I cried and showed my utter despair towards her. Similiar point: Fear and being ashamed of showing myself in Public.

Two days ago the thought of me being spiteful about a post that I made in the past towards a persons in my words was spite and I know it and I know that others saw that already during that time and there it is. Being exposed and humiliated publicly That’s the core of this specific point being embarrassment through exposure. I want to explain myself, explain  my behaviour in terms of: “I can’t just help myself! It’s bigger then me! Its to big to handle! I cant help myself. Please I want you to understand so that you wont judge me.”

Never been aware of this fear within me its more a point of being exposed and fear of being PUBLICLY HUMILIATED. Fear of Public judgment because of it.

Thoughts come up as:

“Please understand me, I’m not a bad parent.”
“Someone could call the children/family care office and report me as a bad parent and take my kids away.” Irrational stuff.
“Every body sees that what I’m hiding, I’m exposed and being executed for it in public”
Very deeply ingrained ‘I’rrational stuff.

2009 Self ForGIVEness on Self-Definition point Sadness


SF on Self-definition point Sadness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself through and as sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the experience of sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that when I feel sadness I belief that this is whom I really am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that whenever I feel deep sadness I’m not able to embrace this sadness as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I haven’t allowed myself to embrace this sadness as me unconditionally here as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I’ve judge sadness within my self and within others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that sadness and the experience of sadness is definite as a fact, which I’m not able to push beyond.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live this sadness in fact as whom I have become

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to gave up because of sadness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be sad because of the life I lived.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to never had the ways to stand up from this sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief that sadness is something you cant stand up from because its your nature of who you are inside.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define sadness as real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that sadness is who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by sadness as a state of mind, my being, the law of me which dictates me to define me as who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to investigate this sadness within me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness when I have clarity but not the ways to change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness when I must live “This is just the way it is, it was and will be ” instead of living the solution: embracing sadness unconditionally as me here.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to embrace sadness unconditionally as me and within this walk the self forgiveness in and as the living expression of me here.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be grateful for this experience of sadness as another point to be faced and to be walked and to be embraced.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to self realize how I’m living this sadness in fact and hereby abdicating and limiting myself in a self-definition point as sadness.

I see that I’m not sadness

I see that I limit myself through this self-definition point inherited by my mother.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as timelines as sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in time lines and dimensional shifts

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in – and relive the past

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept that I never stood up from this.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as being sad

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be sad because I perceive my biological mother as sad because of the life she has lived.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief that I must have inherit this sadness of her its my base program, on my DNA, to end up in and as sadness as she has ended up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I resemble her so much.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see that I suppressed this within myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept of myself that I never allowed myself to look beyond this point of sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that all mothers are sad in nature because of the fuck up they’re creating.

Family construct

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always feel this sad when being a child and growing up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always experience myself like this when being with my parents.

I’m currently at a campground with may kids and thus families and I see children here and I see all different ages here and I see the utter a complete helplessness within children as well. And I feel like this child again I remember this feeling very well it all comes back to me this feeling of being in this world and the RAGE, FURY and ANGER and than Sadness.

Cool, its opening up to me!

And this has to stop we have to stop this cycle of abuse NO Child in this world must LIVE in the world and how it currently exist because the world is NO place for children other wise we wouldn’t grow ‘old’, that’s common sense.
In a world where we all destroy the purest expression we should stop reproducing ourselves at this stage until we’re All equal and one. Obviously I must stop and stop to end the cycle of abuse common sense dictates this.

2009 Self Love

1 August 2009

The promise of the first day of the month as something new has started, the illusion of something ‘new’, something fresh, something pure.

Which is not something new, fresh or pure in fact!

The first days of depression here, I can say that its depression. Referring back to B words that we all have to transcend, spitefulness, depression and relationship as the tree major points one must walk.

I experience depression very prominent lately and it’s quite extensively as well. It goes up and down or it’s not an up and down but an outflow of the self realisations and it becomes more and more difficult the more I expose myself to me, the more I allow myself to be and become intimate with myself, the more shit is being revealed as the extensive programming I live in fact without even being aware of it because I live this in actuality. You can’t see what you are, I never could really understand this. But I see that this is a fact and that I live this in fact that what I have become.

You can’t see what you are in fact what and who you have become in fact I realize if you would see and self realize this in one moment you would actually die from grieve and shame.

I always had this thought about myself that I was very aware of myself but I’m not this has been proven to me through writing consistently every day. By reading back my writings from the last two months I see that I’m continiously living the same cycle over and over again. Without even being aware of it, not seeing the whole of it and how I‘ve become this in fact and living this as me the actuality of me.
How can you possibly see that what you are living every day?

And yes when reading back I became depressed once more. This depression is quite an experience.

To such an extend that I lie down in my bed and embrace me crying because really there is nothing else to do there is no place I can go to ‘ease’ my self-created misery.

Points to consider:
When embracing me there was specifically a point to look at a point that I’ve been applying much self-forgiveness on already in writing.

Embracing me in as the source of:
Self- nurturing
Self- love
Being gentle with and as self
Holding self

These are points that lock into mother matrix and how I, all are fucked by our mothers and then fuck ourselves and all others as self and keep running the program. It actually doesn’t matter what kind of live you have had, in essence the same construct.

Within my live very prominent – I was adopted when I was four years old and could actually never understand why mothers leave their children, giving them away for others to raise. My adopted mother never showed any affection towards me, never at all she didn’t wanted me in her live.

Going back to my depression I was lying in bed when I came to a point that i wasn’t even able to cry I was just numbed out.
I was holding me: As self love, As self nurturing, As self being gentle with me.

And then I experienced a release I was actually able to hold me specifically within the above points for the first time and the next day I was laughing about it as unlashing self-enjoyment.

I’m all above definitions of what I was looking for already and fighting against myself all this time, I am all these points in fact here as me. No need to fight against this, so that was cool to stand as the following: Self- nurturing, Self-love,Self -gentleness, Holding self, all of me.

I actually never could hold myself as these points because I was conditioned by looking for these definitions ‘out there’ not even being aware of All of me here already it, how could I have known? I was always looking for someone giving it to me.

I realize that writing consistently on a daily basis is the foundation of getting the shit in front of you and allow yourself to see and realize how extensively this existence is fucked and how extensively we’re ingrained in this reality we call life. Its even more fucked up and then I realized it was

Looking at it from the perspective as a mother I now have to live this in fact here in and as the physical in every moment of breath to realize this and to live this in fact as me. The little ones are the trigger points always and now I have to stand even when I fall I get myself up.

I am gentleness as me in fact

I am love as me in fact

I hold me all of me here in fact

I embrace all of me here in fact as the living expression of me

Zina is seeing it clearly even pointing it out to me. “Now you’re angry mommy”
Lou is already slamming doors when copying me and saying “angry” boos, boos.

Yep the flower of life which has been removed and how I’ve been programmed and then after you become 28 your living it as you in fact deeper a deeper into it until you die. Until you have completely and totally abdicated to the system. People do not grow old gracefully oh no it’s horrific to be with old people to see what they’ve become to see a glimpse of the ‘future’ you.

Ok! I am Here standing and I have two beings I’m responsible for I made an agreement with myself to walk with them as me and I have to stand for them as Life as me and for all the children yet to come.