2011 Lethargy

Lethargy, the Latin meaning is ‘forgetful’ which is illustrating the construct which I participated within, allowing a moment of ‘forgetfulness’ that led to many moments which than led to a ‘stand still’ which isn’t included within I agreed on bringing into being. It seems that when I need to wait and thus be patience for points to fall through I tend to lean back a bit too much as in: “nothing can be done and I must wait for its unfolding”

It’s a bit like abandon ones activities/actions to replace it with a passive action, finding oneself in a waiting room. ‘Waiting’ for the stream, the flood of time, the current of the things to come, which are not here yet, standing in between two points.

Lacking energy as a reaction, a polarity play out of first having too much of it. Being all wind up by all the changes that are already ‘behind’ and now projecting the changes ‘ahead’ of me. The state of /feeling nothing seems to move yet. Allowing myself to go into stress and anxiety b/c of it and then the play out of passiveness. ‘Waiting too long for ones turn’ which than bends into allowing time to fuck with me.

I know that walking points through from beginning till the end is a physical action, it will only be manifested through substantial actions, until its done. I push self, until I live this realisation as me until the resistance is walked through.

The only point that is standing is me being able to direct myself within what I can do within the given moment. For now things are stable meaning there is clarity within the given situation. I can only give myself stability, and live the realization that I give to myself what I want to be in all given moments. So I push until movement as expression is here again.

Teach yourself to Give through Self Forgiveness:http://desteni.co.za/
Give All what you want and what all wants,-Money!
Equal money for All – http://equalmoney.org/

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2011 BackChat – Divorce and Break Ups


Today I actually defined in one phrase why my marriage and all relationships I’ve been involved in came to an end and how that came about. Through allowing extensive backchat to exist as part of the secret mind as a normal accepted way within a relationship, to ‘give’ each other the right of having secrets within ones mind to withdraw into.

To give some examples if you are not familiar with the term backchat within relationships/marriage. Backchat is the soft speaking voices within that are quite loud in its demands of wanting to win and destroy. It can also be an experience of self where you can’t ‘find’ words for. To give some simple examples: smiling to someone while thinking “shut up” or “I really don’t have time for this”, saying “yes” but meaning “no”, judging your partner for his/her ways,lying,being polite because you don’t want to be rude and the list goes on and on all the things we keep secret to each other, we’re ashamed about, which makes us feel embarrassed and exposed of its existence within us.

I have found within me that when there is only one single refraction that is not openly shared one knows one thing which is absolutely certain because it’s a mathematical equation and the outcome is predictable, the relationship will fall it will not stand the test of time. All will be revealed sooner or later, best if you’re walking with a being to make that sooner than later.

I have learned through an experience = the hard way which takes time, it took me years to stand within it. Best not to go there and be straight and real from the start when walking with someone.

When answers to simple question becomes reasoning and fights for ones limitations without willing to change self one knows one thing, one is fucked- the relationship will not stand, it will fall.

Indicative of any potential of getting to a point of mutual agreement about how to ‘play’ and deal with back chat is definitely the ability to response to each others questions with a clear “Yes” and a clear “No” within this Trust can be developed, anything less than this is unacceptable.
I will make sure that I will never allow any backchat as directive principle within my reality/world again. What ever it takes! I will get it done everything on the table, exposed as the back chat diaries.

Fascinating is that apparently the more dependant one financially is bound to others the more backchat and secrets exist within such relationships. This also applies within the relationship between children and parents.
An equal money system is the solutions to such unnecessary dependencies which creates inequality and thus separation and the urge to win at all cost.

Will be continued…
Backchat as response to your ex doesn’t stop after a break up or a divorce.

2009 Participation

Participation

Through participation in this world I have to change, it’s within the participation that I’m able to live the living words in as the physical

It’s within the participation that one must change from consciousness to awareness to become the practical living solution to walk the living words in this I realize that

it’s within participation with others where I am able to amalgamate with all other selves as me

It’s within the participation where one is able to live the corrective application it’s within the participation where the points that have to change become real as the actuality of me

Within the participation with others is where one can direct and correct ONE self immediately  in the moment

Awareness which is not yet lived as me is not valid from the perspective  that it hasn’t been lived yet as me it’s within participation  to become whole

It’s within the participation where I stand, walk, express, move as me one and equal with the participants ,the participation the whole of my being.

It’s within the participation that one is holding back clinging unto past events, knowledge and information..

It’s within the participation that I have to allow myself to be whole with the participants.

It’s within and as being part and being patient to allow myself to become  whole within and as the part that is presented to me

It’s within the part, parted from the whole that I become whole It’s within the participation that I let go of all that I know to hold on to but instead holding it as me, holding  me as the part that has parted to become whole

It’s within the participation that I take the ‘outer part’ of me and bring it home to become whole

It’s within the participation that I don’t part but give back to the whole which is me to let go of partaking of taking, parting

to let go of parting

I don’t take ‘I’ hold the part as me in until All parts are home again Whole again.

2009 Failure and Falling and Moving on

“So I fucked up, I failed  I ‘missed’ the opportunity to transcend this specific point”
Points to ponder by B: “Do not define self by fuckups and failures”


Ok this I see is a trap as well failure as a self- definition point which contains of thoughts like: “I am a failure” ; “I always fuck up!”

Self Corrective statements:
When I fail I realize  who I am, I’m not defined through it.
When I Fuck up I allow myself to realize how I exist, I’m not defined by it.

2009 The Actuality of ‘Me’ During Domestic Fights- Arguing for my Limitation

Ok

Back to the actuality

He ‘snapped’ because me not willingly to get back to get the girls shoes.

I couldn’t breathe through it.

This wall I couldn’t ‘take’ in.

I was tempted to speak words of irritation instead of just taking it in as I do with the kids, with the little ones I do not ‘move’ in and as the mind but take it in and then there is silence. The hole in the moment me being whole and in this all self-definitions do not exist.

I didn’t I was tempted to speak, to participate without any self direction. Because I couldn’t stand the ‘wall’ I was facing, this particular experience of myself. Ok- Lets break it down!

This experience is of utter and complete exhaustion me talking to a ‘wall’ and this experience of self is something I don’t want to experience. Instead of remaining here in and as the breath I fall ok I will not be defined by failure.

First point:

I was ‘tired’ of this experience of self: Oh,- no here we go again! Same old shit, how many times have we’ve been here on this same route same path. I know where this is going to lead me! A whole day, or more days with putting up with ‘getting the cold shoulder’. No I don’t want that–>fighting it.

SF:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of this wall he’s presenting to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience to hard to bear within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight against myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape this experience of myself by removing him from my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I wasn’t able to remain here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I when I realized that he was still giving me the cold shoulder that I said get out of the car instead of not participating.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stay here within and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck this transcendence point up because I didn’t allowed myself to stay here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted by reason, arguing to fix the situation through talking ‘empty’ words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as arrogance believing that I can ‘fix’ events that I’m walking through reasoning and arguing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitation despise that I already have proven to myself that the only thing that is self directive is breath staying here as it, to live it to be it in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be tempted by words to fix myself, my world this reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that in this attempt I’m hiding my fear for what I really experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to walk through the outflow of his behavior and the way I specifically experience myself when he’s giving me the cold shoulder.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know where this path is leading to, him not speaking to me for days and me trying to fix it through reason and arguments instead of remaining here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate this experience of myself when he’s doing this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at all cost want to avoid this experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk away and deny this experience of myself and therefore try to fix it through arguments and reasoning while I know that this only makes things ‘worse’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience of myself to intense to bare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find myself in the exact same experience of self as when being with the kids and being possessed by and as anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the actual experience of myself that of  RAGE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing myself within this rage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be FURIOUS when someone/M is doing/acting this out this onto me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be treated this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to HATE it when someone is shutting of all communication with me I find it UNFAIR.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and without any means to stand up against this UNFAIRNESS and the RAGE inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so frustrated and so angry because of the perceived unfairness of someone shutting down all communication with me.

2009 Fear of Public Humiliation


Monday 3 August 2009

Fear of Public Humiliation, I experienced this quite a bit, extensively I must say.
First time I was getting really aware of it was when I planned to go to the farm: “What would others think of me as a mother?” Fear of public judgment, embarrassment.

Now being here at the campground: What would the neighbours think of me when I’m so pissed off when the kids are awake at 4 o’clock  in the morning and stay awake for 2 hours and, or when Zina is waking Lou up in the middle of the night and me being utterly irritated by it, being utterly ashamed that they may have overheard me talking to the kids to shut up and that they need to go back to sleep.

DO I remain here as breathe? Oh no I get irritated I want to sleep!
And then it creeps in:
-Who did hear me?
-Who will judge me?
-What will the neighbours think of me?

It’s so silent here someone must have heard me being irritated, saying: “shut the fuck up, omfg I’m so embarrassed.”

Same with C, When I cried in front of her this is already almost 2 years ago and still do I feel shame that I cried and showed my utter despair towards her. Similiar point: Fear and being ashamed of showing myself in Public.

Two days ago the thought of me being spiteful about a post that I made in the past towards a persons in my words was spite and I know it and I know that others saw that already during that time and there it is. Being exposed and humiliated publicly That’s the core of this specific point being embarrassment through exposure. I want to explain myself, explain  my behaviour in terms of: “I can’t just help myself! It’s bigger then me! Its to big to handle! I cant help myself. Please I want you to understand so that you wont judge me.”

Never been aware of this fear within me its more a point of being exposed and fear of being PUBLICLY HUMILIATED. Fear of Public judgment because of it.

Thoughts come up as:

“Please understand me, I’m not a bad parent.”
“Someone could call the children/family care office and report me as a bad parent and take my kids away.” Irrational stuff.
“Every body sees that what I’m hiding, I’m exposed and being executed for it in public”
Very deeply ingrained ‘I’rrational stuff.

2009 SF Possession

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by frustration anger and rage.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by complete fury.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pass my rage and frustration onto the kids.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imprint this onto their resonance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resonate rage, fury and possessed anger.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become sad after participating within ‘giving my light’ away.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be sad which is an outflow of my sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto sadness as a self-definition point.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad after I’m possessed by intense rage, fury, and anger.

Droevig

Droef – ig

Sad

Das

S

A

D

Sad is bad

I’ve been bad so I feel sad

I’ve been naughty

Morality

Sad

Dad

Death