2011 More on Suppression

It has been a bit rough lately.
I also start seeing something else, yesterday I was crying and I was holding myself lying in bed, the tears were flowing and I couldn’t really understand what was going on b/c I rarely cry like that these days. I was holding myself tight, lying in a fetus position with my fingers crossed to contain myself here as the physical and tears were flowing.

I couldn’t really unravel it; it was quite a cool release from suppressed emotional/feeling bodies. This morning humiliation as experience was here for me to look at while opening up through writing and writing SF I started to cry even more I couldn’t stop.

I see that what is severely suppressed is contained within emotional bodies, resonating as such. These bodies are accepted thoughts lived into being; one cannot capture the words that have been creating such entities. Yet it controls one completely. So I walk back and this word humiliation came to surface, stepped forth as experience of self, which was suppressed within wordless emotional bodies/entities or however you want to name them.

It’s really like unwrapping myself, physically actually. Because It’s within the physical were the suppression is wrapped as it, I’ve become this as the physical.

While the physical is definitely supporting me ejecting the shit that shouldn’t be in it. I already walked such ejection of shit, rubbish that shouldn’t be there and I am still diffusing it; which almost becomes a natural thing that accompanies me. It will take time to get the unwanted stuff out.

Ok cool, I actually never have been writing it out as such.

2011 Closing Doors


The future prospect of fucking up again and walking into the same time loop is not preferable, so time to get Real.
And thus: Stay Real! And Be Physical!

So where am I at? And what is Here for me to walk?
Finding myself again Standing face to face with the manifested consequences= Money=Self. Standing in front of this part of me where coping mechanisms patterns starts emerging; which is here once again for me to see and realize a window of opportunity to unravel the totality of the whole pattern. So I can sort it out to not allow myself to walk into unnecessary time loops/experiences again.

Patterns as reactions towards this point:
Sadness as in: “Oh freaking shit no, I can’t handle it” yet suppressed as resonance ‘experience’ I have become this point in its totality. So no need for thoughts to accompany the experience, that’s how one could describe the resonances, patterns that are ‘thoughtless’ yet directive as principle.
Tiredness and sleepiness are indicative of the suppressed state of this point; I actually immediately wanted to sleep as it emerged yet instead I took a bath with the girls, which was great fun-lol.

“Oh no I cant handle this” needs more introspection, it’s a point of self defeat and sabotaging the point of standing all one which also is linked to the matrix of self nurturing that I’m still walking into awareness. I will dig deeper into this write this out into specificity in what I currently see and understand.

Running away: ‘Sneaking’ off to self -created back doors. Running away from walking/ facing the real experience of self, which is suppressed as the accepted habitual nature, tempting and automated to run away again from the real experience specifically related to this point. I see thoughts as back chat coming up yet very slight, it emerges to run off to someone, anything ‘better’ than facing this point head on.
Point of Self- intimacy, who am I as pattern?

I allow myself to remain Here, Solid within me, whole safe, Secure, Comfortable, Strong as Strength anchored in and as the physical walking every moment of and as Here as self commitment as me.

So actually cool! I can from here unravel the pattern, slow it down to root it out
Time to close Doors, simple!

2011 Mothers Children and Health Care

DID YOU KNOW?

In our world today nearly 11 million children under the age of 5 die in the world every year – well over 1,200 every hour most from easily preventable or treatable causes.

Fucked up and totally unnecessary.

When one of my kids is in pain, injured or ill, I’ll try to make them better, see a doctor, get a perspective so that the kids are able to get the required treatment and its done. I would get extensively stressed when I’m not able to solve it.

All mothers want to do exactly what I am doing, getting help for their children. Millions of mothers are not within that position. Just a simple act of care which is denied to millions of mothers and thus to their children. Medical care is a Basic Human Right, every one should have access to Free Health Care. It shouldn’t be something you have to earn or to fight for, no, it must be Given simply because we’re in this world.

Equal money will root out such allowed atrocities- in the name off free market and capitalism -to exist

2011 Wanting to be more than what is Real

So I can see how I have been trying the last couple of weeks to subtle manoeuvre myself to be more than the physical reality and it started to compound anger as well – so careful here because I can see how this is creating much friction and this will then be the layout of me towards the world and everything that enters my world – not cool!

Ok so the girls have been sick for the last couple of weeks. I actually never visited in such short time either a doctor or a dentist as the last couple of weeks. So being with them 24/7 is a story in itself when they’re sick it becomes quite a story-lol

I must then stop all the things I’m participating within, and reschedule everything at once. And here it started to become a bit ‘vague’ because I was juggling between: “I can do the things I must do versus  still be there for them.”

Nope! Time has proven this over and over again: – Can’t do, won’t work!

So today I said and applied: Ok! They’re sick and that’s what is here and that’s what I’m able and must direct. Its simply needs to be done! Trying to be more than what the physical reality in the moment requires is really stupidity in action. So therefore I stop and I let it go.

Ok that’s it for today

2010 Daily Writings – Standing Clear

Thursday 14 October 10

Waking

Woke up with the following: its not a self honest act of pushing the reducing of sleep to the max or in this case the minimum of 4  hrs when I’m actually not in the position to stretch it more. So I slow down and take it one step at the time until the point is standing. So being self honest about what one can do in every breath and what one is able to ‘handle’ in one breathe. So be self honest about where you stand and what you can take on and slow the fuck down and understand what is required to take on more – lol and live the required steps for being able to take it  on and whether this is at this stage an actual priority point. Just simple shit 😛

Burning eyes

I experience burning eyes and yes that’s related to giving up and believing that one is actually the perceptional experience of oneself giving into limitation.

Phone call/communicating

It was far to long and I experienced tiredness when I was speaking saying and repeating the same thing over and over again. Which was cool in essence to talk yet I was experiencing a heavyness me allowing myself to go with the energy that was clearly accessed within the communication.

So I have seen this before that when I communicate with M that I allow myself to go into  a physical reaction of the ‘high’ and living ‘through’ the structure of others. So basically that’s how I allow myself to go into it and follow such traits as they are real within the perceptional experience of oneself

So I see and understand how little actually changes b/c for significant change to manifest we must change with many for  its completion we all must change for real that’s the equality equation.  Yet it isn’t a justification for me not taking this point on and walk it while participating. So when I perceive the perceptional experience to be real I will feed the thoughts and fore mostly the energy that is generated and feed them through participating within them. Through attention! So to simple state delete and stop I don’t allow myself to go there I stabilize myself within the moment. Directing me here instead of following it through feeding it and giving the thought attention because I have seen the beginning and the end of it and the way my attention towards it will lead to.

Ok that’s clear this ‘temptation’ is presenting itself over and over again.

So this morning at school we all got started with the head louse issue again I brought it up to inform others about Z being all over with head louse. Interesting reaction people got into; interesting mind construct people/we access. So generally its perceived as me being very open about it – ok yet the point I want to communicate here is that I observed the following point:

The enegery high and rush from all, being so over the top that I cant hardly breath through it yet I see that I have been slowing down already. So I can be more of a stable point within myself which I cant yet say that I stand stable as this point as an absolute. These are the mind constructs manifestation one is participating within, the so called rods as has been explained.

And this is also permutates  my physical, I always get very tired when this happens like a immediately shut down. So shutting down, off is a signal of resistance these are the points where one must Will oneself to push through to Will oneself into being.

Simple

So it’s the breath that is stabilising myself within it, just silently walking such moments as breathe. Nothing to fear nothing to loose

Its already now that I almost can ‘touch’ these mind constructs its not ‘alive’ its constructed it has become very clear to me that this is so and that its operates in this manner.

Its also nothing ‘personal’ within it or anything of substance to follow at all – I realize that I am now looking at the physical experience of the mind construct manifestation around me the moment of interlocking into them when walking into a moment. So this repeats itself every day so every day I can test observe, which is cool its my testing ground where I stand, how I stand if I stand – lol

And most of all who I am within it.

So cool, ok clear

Slowing down within the breath silently walking the moment as me. Nothing to obtain, nothing to loose breathing here allowing myself to be silent, silence as me.

abuse:

When doing groceries last night someone was walking behind me he wanted to pass my back while standing in the queue in front of the cashier. So I moved to give him space.He then returned back saying I will lekker’stand next to you. I didn’t paid him much attention and didn’t turned to check this person out just said “Ok what you want”.

So when standing in the queue I placed my stuff on the band and I placed my basket on top of the stack that was already there. Apparently the basket wasn’t stacked properly and I heard Hey that’s not how it supposed to be stacked and I responded no it isn’t, is it? While doing the stacking thingy and simultaneously placing the groceries on the band. He looked at me and said well stack it properly – I was instantly reacting towards these words and his body language as well and said without giving it a second thought: “Hey calm down”

Then the air started moving so to speak it caused a lot of friction in the overcrowded supermarket and very long queue. Like everyone was holding their breathe – so when I was scanning the moment I saw that the person I said this too was kind of tall and looked quite muscular and strong – uhum lol military look and he was bald and very demanding within his presentation hence the bomber jacket and dr martens shoes. So I reconsidered thought “ok” I behave like L in the play yard when she’s screaming too big boys not really within her league! I became quite anxious meaning a lot of energy was running through my body. I am referring to the physical experience of it. I mean this man could knock me out easily and in any other situation he would have done this. I saw the aggression within his presence I felt fearful.

So I stepped back I stopped participating within it – better not take changes. I have seen the play out of these moment when one is stretching it to far so to speak it can turn out to become very ugly. Meaning that someone gets physically abusive as well. Because that’s ‘underneath’ the surface of it and it’s only a small step to act upon it.

What is fascinating is that he started sweet talking to the cashier like in “Hey baby” and so on that actually shows me that he was trying to compensate the play out of a personality suite he acted out before while his reaction towards a basket that wasn’t stacked properly instigated a whole mind construct where he participated within and I reacted upon automatically – so I was trapped within this system manifestation as well meaning how symbols resonantically are igniting BS to happen even in public places or just I must say.

The reaction I am looking at here was ignited by ‘me’ through ignoring him and not making contact with him as he was looking for ‘contact’ and when this was not met by me he started to find fault within me. And turned that initial approach of making contact with me into attacking/intimidating me.

Actually such a obvious and ‘childish’ manipulative expression “give me what I want if not I will manipulate until I have it even when this means that I am abusive disregard everyone and everything b/c I am able to do so, its my right to do so.”

In constant need of confirmation of ones existence – sigh= which is not even real

I was looking at it from the perspective of god and ego.

A super Ego- energy must go – is like a god it needs nourishment and confirmation.It requires worship and foremost attention – lol its the play out of energy in a nut shell.

So I haven’t been encountering this particular experience where I am so explicitly subject of abuse before. I never actually locked into this kind of (verbally) aggressive expression directly directed towards me- that only happened  a few times recently when I witnessed a mind possession.

Best is to not react in any way. Just stop and breathe through it there is really nothing you can do about it in this reality in space and time.

So the more clear I am standing and live this stand the more the attacks will intensify so better to stand absolute. And stop myself so give everything to me to breathe and SF and take it in instantly within the moment.

I am not willing to meet the invitation for picking a fight with beings that allow them selves to be mind possessed. Let the resonances sort it out that’s suggested by Desteni and that is obvious best.

When being confronted with this the first time I was kind of baffled and shocked I didn’t see it coming at all, now I do.  I experienced while pointing such reactive behavior out that the other is either stopping or is even getting more possessed by  its perceptual experience of self. And thus allow oneself to be abusive. Best for all to stop participating within the relationship.That’s what it takes to stand – that’s what the practical application is of this point. No more abuse I allow within my direct world

I will not stand within it, its actually impossible to stand within abusive – that’s a law of this reality one will align oneself with what the abuser is allowing within oneself.

It takes freaking guts and real action to stand as this point.

The more people do so the sooner we realize that we are All  and that we move as one and equal! So we can stop the actual insanity in this world and  that starts by not allowing abuse  within my direct world any more. I walk absolute.

Not that I don’t take responsibility for that person or the attacker in fact by not allowing it within my world and yet at the same time take the point on and walk the solution for all.

I also deleted all friends who have been approaching me on face book with a hair fettish  all comments on my pictures and so on.Really what’s the point  it holds no substance. And allowing such things I have seen is only accumulating abuse. Which I experienced already, some wacko started posting/mailing me all kinds of shit – lol

So relating this back to relationships in my world –what is serving me thus all what is holding substance and what not. Whom I invite into my world my direct world b/c I am responsible for the invite and the invitee – 😀

Relationships as in being and spending time with ‘talking heads’ can be quite straining, so a clear standing a clear stipulation in what one stand as is certainly required for walking the scripture into completion. It always boils down to this, writing is the key support point the scripture the preparation of the re-alignment.

The written word is only valid when this is lived for the betterment of all.

Scripture is the preparation ground, the basic platform of support one gives to oneself. Daily and consistently strengthen yourself through

Writing

writing, preparing through scripting the way before oneself.

Also in writings I come back to that basic platform that point of self where I reflect, bring it back to self as the stability point the pillar of support when my life or the events in my life seemingly thorns the ground beneath me. So I see that in writing I give myself the opportunity to let stability as me to step forth again. I also realize when I walk away from writing I walk away from me, and when I do not push through the resistance of getting to this clear point within writing out my day I am not pushing it to the max. I push, I will myself into being, simple. The more resistance there is the more I push and it’s indicative that I am at the exact right spot.

Resistance is a cool measurement tool and revealing clearly  the demand of the push. When tiredness or sleepiness, heaviness is really kicking in I write and breathe through it until I stand clear Here.

So within this I understand that writing must always be the priority point as who I am within this process through real labor a real action to will myself into being.

I will myself into creation.

I will do so until the point of writing is not relevant anymore-lol

I will do so until I stand absolute  here as Life thats what I commited myself to do and thats what I will into Being.

I am the directive principle of me.

thats it for now

2009 Failure and Falling and Moving on

“So I fucked up, I failed  I ‘missed’ the opportunity to transcend this specific point”
Points to ponder by B: “Do not define self by fuckups and failures”


Ok this I see is a trap as well failure as a self- definition point which contains of thoughts like: “I am a failure” ; “I always fuck up!”

Self Corrective statements:
When I fail I realize  who I am, I’m not defined through it.
When I Fuck up I allow myself to realize how I exist, I’m not defined by it.

2009 Fear of Public Humiliation


Monday 3 August 2009

Fear of Public Humiliation, I experienced this quite a bit, extensively I must say.
First time I was getting really aware of it was when I planned to go to the farm: “What would others think of me as a mother?” Fear of public judgment, embarrassment.

Now being here at the campground: What would the neighbours think of me when I’m so pissed off when the kids are awake at 4 o’clock  in the morning and stay awake for 2 hours and, or when Zina is waking Lou up in the middle of the night and me being utterly irritated by it, being utterly ashamed that they may have overheard me talking to the kids to shut up and that they need to go back to sleep.

DO I remain here as breathe? Oh no I get irritated I want to sleep!
And then it creeps in:
-Who did hear me?
-Who will judge me?
-What will the neighbours think of me?

It’s so silent here someone must have heard me being irritated, saying: “shut the fuck up, omfg I’m so embarrassed.”

Same with C, When I cried in front of her this is already almost 2 years ago and still do I feel shame that I cried and showed my utter despair towards her. Similiar point: Fear and being ashamed of showing myself in Public.

Two days ago the thought of me being spiteful about a post that I made in the past towards a persons in my words was spite and I know it and I know that others saw that already during that time and there it is. Being exposed and humiliated publicly That’s the core of this specific point being embarrassment through exposure. I want to explain myself, explain  my behaviour in terms of: “I can’t just help myself! It’s bigger then me! Its to big to handle! I cant help myself. Please I want you to understand so that you wont judge me.”

Never been aware of this fear within me its more a point of being exposed and fear of being PUBLICLY HUMILIATED. Fear of Public judgment because of it.

Thoughts come up as:

“Please understand me, I’m not a bad parent.”
“Someone could call the children/family care office and report me as a bad parent and take my kids away.” Irrational stuff.
“Every body sees that what I’m hiding, I’m exposed and being executed for it in public”
Very deeply ingrained ‘I’rrational stuff.