2012- Finding Purpose

purpose:

the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists”

My entire life I’ve been looking for a purpose I actually got in severe problems because of this seeking of the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists”

Simple because I couldn’t find it in any way and it brought me to a mental break down read severe depression. Somewhere down the line I had picked up that I simply must have a purpose otherwise my live would be totally meaningless within this world/reality or existence even. Yet wherever I looked I couldn’t found a purpose of living. So it’s actually the question of wanting to know why one exists, which is probably a question in many of us. Which is already also locks one within the equation of the question “why” instead of “how” one is living and see if within the “how” one is living is possible a way out of the “why”.

I completely overlooked “how” I live and “how” we exist! Not even considering that there could be answers within, meaning looking at myself from a different perspective/ platform than I’m used to or taught to. I must say that actually at that stage there wasn’t any other way to reflect upon my reality than I did b/c I simply was lacking a platform based on common sense within to reflect upon!

Looking for a purpose in this world/life existence is simply another form of believing in (a) god that will miraculously give you purpose and that’s what I was exercising all the way through, yet I wasn’t even aware of it. The wrapper of this search was called inner soul-searching which is nothing else than how to obey a god and furthermore to ask god to give you a purpose.

Asking someone else for a purpose in your life is like sitting in the kitchen looking at a huge pile of dishes and waiting for someone to enter the door to tell you how to clean it . lol

It’s just plain stupid.

This path of believing that one will find a purpose somewhere will and can only lead to absolute isolation. To illustrate it with a personal experience I mean at a certain point I was only being occupied with this one question what’s my fucking purpose? So I went to see a spiritual healer and the moment I walked out the door again I was holding a little bottle of water, which was injected with a cosmic organic voice from the universe that vibrated with mine. For full effect I had to wear day and night unto my skin. So I did, I stacked this tiny little bottle into my bra and can remember feeling in a total recognised onto my way of finding my true purpose within this world. Sharing this story is in no way to ridicule anyone! ~It only illustrates how far out I was.

And how far we disconnected ourselves from seeing the dishes that needs to be cleaned, getting it done. We have disconnected ourselves from seeing what we have created in this world and what exist within ourselves by consistently denying reality as it is. For me to be able to find a purpose in the first place can only exist while others are not even placed in such luxurious positions, a simple fact I overlooked within my quest of self-interest matters is: That for me to have others cannot have! ! !

How far out I’d been, seeking for self-interest goals, how did I separated myself to isolate myself from all others not even considering all others because I couldn’t even Consider or Grasp that I am part of All.

Looking for a purpose is overlooking the state of this world and that this world must be sorted out into a world that’s benefiting all! Is this now a new purpose of living? I would say yes because best for all is always here. It will stand into infinity, solid as a rock its the only valid purpose of living b/c it includes all life! So that’s the purpose I have given to myself and that’s what I will show my children as well!

A purpose is something given to you, a form of control that reveals itself in the way the world works. This then allows one to realize if you dare that if you are not the one that gave you the purpose, you are mind controlled. The only valid purpose that will be universally sustainable for eternity is that which is best for all life in all ways. make sure you are not the result of forces –rather be the force of life that give equality as one to all. The finding of a purpose is self deception. Purpose as what is best for all is always here. Only self interest let one seek your self interest and happiness in isolation. Those that do not in every breath live and dedicate themselves to what is best for all life is in fact lost in self interest and external happiness remote control.


- Bernard Poolman

 

 

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2011 Unwrapping Self-Suppression


Wrap sounds like crap – lol

Underneath anger, rage and embarrassment within me, the real experience lies dormant, which I didn’t yet allowed myself to embrace as part of me. While walking the TL of a Mind Construct a window of opportunity opens up to go to the core of the suppressed slumbering real experience of oneself that’s so tightly wrapped up as more ‘acceptable’/’suitable’ expressions such as anger and irritation.

While walking Time Lines, which is part of Mind Construct within the SRA course, one is slowing oneself down to walk through memories as the actual participant and so opening oneself up. While doing so I see an energetic ‘wall’ which is the resistance, I walk through it to be able to go to the core of the real experience of self that opens up the suppressed experience such as: Feeling less than, Feeling inferior, Feeling unequal.

Experiences such as being inferior/unequal/less than is not a good thing so I deem it as ‘bad’, and must be immediately suppressed

I start opening up more getting and becoming more comfortable with what is here as experience as me while taking this ‘in’. I experience a shock an electrical shock of waking up to the real experience of self; which is through walking the layout of the Mind Constructs within the SRA-Course showing its Real face. Simultaneously while walking through it, opening up I experience a physical relief.
I’m amazed actually in disbelief how something so simple could have lie dormant right in front of my eyes without being able to break through the boundaries of the control.

Self, in –to- me- I- see, becoming familiar with me, getting to know me! Self first!
So this is self-intimacy in actual application, allowing myself to see beyond anger, rage, irritation, to allow myself to surface the suppressed experience. To allow myself to see that I experience feelings such as: being hurt, inferior, embarrassment, feel less and so on it exist within me and its ok to see this part of me which doesn’t imply that its acceptable– lol
It’s here for realignment, a window of opportunity so I can stop the automated suppression of categorised bad experiences of myself.
When did this automated self-suppression become an habitual coping mechanism in the first place?

Ok, Cool!
It’s not that bad – lol

2011 Closing Doors


The future prospect of fucking up again and walking into the same time loop is not preferable, so time to get Real.
And thus: Stay Real! And Be Physical!

So where am I at? And what is Here for me to walk?
Finding myself again Standing face to face with the manifested consequences= Money=Self. Standing in front of this part of me where coping mechanisms patterns starts emerging; which is here once again for me to see and realize a window of opportunity to unravel the totality of the whole pattern. So I can sort it out to not allow myself to walk into unnecessary time loops/experiences again.

Patterns as reactions towards this point:
Sadness as in: “Oh freaking shit no, I can’t handle it” yet suppressed as resonance ‘experience’ I have become this point in its totality. So no need for thoughts to accompany the experience, that’s how one could describe the resonances, patterns that are ‘thoughtless’ yet directive as principle.
Tiredness and sleepiness are indicative of the suppressed state of this point; I actually immediately wanted to sleep as it emerged yet instead I took a bath with the girls, which was great fun-lol.

“Oh no I cant handle this” needs more introspection, it’s a point of self defeat and sabotaging the point of standing all one which also is linked to the matrix of self nurturing that I’m still walking into awareness. I will dig deeper into this write this out into specificity in what I currently see and understand.

Running away: ‘Sneaking’ off to self -created back doors. Running away from walking/ facing the real experience of self, which is suppressed as the accepted habitual nature, tempting and automated to run away again from the real experience specifically related to this point. I see thoughts as back chat coming up yet very slight, it emerges to run off to someone, anything ‘better’ than facing this point head on.
Point of Self- intimacy, who am I as pattern?

I allow myself to remain Here, Solid within me, whole safe, Secure, Comfortable, Strong as Strength anchored in and as the physical walking every moment of and as Here as self commitment as me.

So actually cool! I can from here unravel the pattern, slow it down to root it out
Time to close Doors, simple!

2011 Back Chat within Creates without

I started a back-chat diary

w o w

That’s in fact revealing and dirty to say the least, all that severely hurts me within others behavior which always led to self compromise because I couldn’t  ‘stand’ within it exist within me as well.

So I bring it all back to self Here after I got possessed by anger towards a person. Took me a day to get this starting point straight again, sometimes I still try to convince if maybe, possibly, someone else is to blame for my experience – lol  – can’t do. This anger outburst of mine I can see  clearly now created through firstly fear towards seeing this person agin and while seeing this person again while talking together it became anger fed by allowed back chat which I can see is part of a suppressed unresolved part of me, not yet faced shit. I see clearly that I wasn’t directing me immediately in the moment when the fear was here within me  and I actually allowed to become petrified and that led to anger. My mis take.

The back chat that’s the most revealing is the one that is instantaneously simultaneously manifested while observing/participating within my world/reality . I can clearly see that it always accompanies a feeling, holds information.

Those, the immediate back-chats are the ones that are holding hidden self definitions, those I want to hold on to. The automation of the back-chat is indicative of these personality traits through simply observing/hearing the back chats while participating within my world/reality.

Kind of ugly shit – especially knowing that all exist within such ugly shit! If the back-chat would be revealed in one moment when talking to each other we would through the nastiness of it go insane or be in severe trouble by the ugliness of it.Probably we would smack each others heads. Back-chat the outflow of the principle of destruction to keep one firmly seated within ones Ego. This destruction is what we are living into being, the manifested consequence which is this world/ this reality.

Ok, so I got slightly depressed and severely shocked by the existence of the ugliness within me, the pile of ugliness is endless there seems to be always more, which is nothing else than waking up to the extend of the fuckedness of ones existence, alright, so I can’t stay within such allowed state for too long.

I’ve been creating the ugliness myself, Ok, so I push myself so I can stop myself and learn from the soft voices in my head; which is rather loud in its demands for winning and its call for destruction.Everyone’s backchat is as ugly as mine its real nasty shit. I will investigate my back chat, time to get the nasty shit out.

Back chat diaries the real secret within

2011 How I assist myself when standing before a window of opportunity. Time looping or Correction – Process Support Writings

In my previous blog entry I have been writing about some layers as resistance, those are returning experiences of myself. It can actually be all kind of experiences such as fear of people, fear of speaking up etc.Points  which I simply can push myself through because I already prepared the way before me through writing opening up the construct the layout, who I am within it. So here I will share some pointers on how I practically walk such alignments.

Time looping:

Either one goes into an unnecessary experience through self compromise, giving into a ‘weakness’/personality trait /pattern that one is actually more than ready to take on and walk into correction, yet one still holds on to the old. Not yet pushing Self absolute into being, still doubts and mind/back – chat going on. Then one will go into a time loop, walk into an experience and then write ones SF again yet now not about the actual point but about not pushing oneself through the resistance. The longer one post-phone the actualization of ones re-alignment the more difficult it becomes. One will get to a point where one just don’t trust oneself anymore, same as with falling while quitting an addiction one have failed oneself just to many times. And from here each attempt to stop thus change oneself becomes more difficult. I have found within me that it can take a very long time before one readied oneself again to take the point on again.

Self-Correction:

Or one just walks through it in every given moment when the resistance as tiredness; sleepiness, procrastination, fear etc. presents itself. Stop, breath push and what assist me practically within such moments is to ask myself whether it’s worth it to make an experience out of the perceived wall of resistance. I am the one who decides whether I hold onto what I prefer or walk into and as Principle. So in essence showing myself that I am the one that choose to experience myself as tiredness; sleepiness; fear and so on and no one else. I decide how I experience myself, it’s either Yes or No, simple!

When or while walking through the resistance and more points are opening up that I didn’t yet realized or seen within me I flag-point it and go back to the drawing board again.

Prepare the way before yourself so you will be equipped the next time you face the same point again. Every window holds the key to change and so I expand on walking into understanding, realigning myself; which is a fascinating journey, as we all know by now!


2010 Letting go within the structure

Letting go steps forth as a self-willed action when one understands where one is participating within. Stops, and then actually walks into the physical correction of oneself. One prepares the way before oneself through extensive self honest introspection. Utilising self-forgiveness,writing and 4 count breathing. Letting go is a physical  action of actually correcting and aligning oneself with what’s best for all in every moment.

The mind tend to trap oneself in a belief that letting go is ‘simple’ from a mind perspective.

Yet is not considering/ willing to walk the action that is required of realigning oneself thus letting go from the structure of consciousness.

Real change takes real labour in space and time. Nothing will re-align to what serves all by itself. Only systems are running automated by itself within the structure of consciousness.

So letting go can then actually be redefined to releasing a point from the structure in space and time through self willed action/labour-e.g. writing,sf.

I see how I framed myself in this construct of “letting go” – and how we use this phrase so often for unclear reasons, like: “chill out, relax, Let it go!” while in essence we see that someone is trapped within repetitive mind frame mostly a loop. And one wants to comfort another by saying “Let it go !” Instead of practically looking at what letting go actually is all about- lol

It’s a physical action prepared through self-willed action one walks step by step.