2011 BackChat – Divorce and Break Ups


Today I actually defined in one phrase why my marriage and all relationships I’ve been involved in came to an end and how that came about. Through allowing extensive backchat to exist as part of the secret mind as a normal accepted way within a relationship, to ‘give’ each other the right of having secrets within ones mind to withdraw into.

To give some examples if you are not familiar with the term backchat within relationships/marriage. Backchat is the soft speaking voices within that are quite loud in its demands of wanting to win and destroy. It can also be an experience of self where you can’t ‘find’ words for. To give some simple examples: smiling to someone while thinking “shut up” or “I really don’t have time for this”, saying “yes” but meaning “no”, judging your partner for his/her ways,lying,being polite because you don’t want to be rude and the list goes on and on all the things we keep secret to each other, we’re ashamed about, which makes us feel embarrassed and exposed of its existence within us.

I have found within me that when there is only one single refraction that is not openly shared one knows one thing which is absolutely certain because it’s a mathematical equation and the outcome is predictable, the relationship will fall it will not stand the test of time. All will be revealed sooner or later, best if you’re walking with a being to make that sooner than later.

I have learned through an experience = the hard way which takes time, it took me years to stand within it. Best not to go there and be straight and real from the start when walking with someone.

When answers to simple question becomes reasoning and fights for ones limitations without willing to change self one knows one thing, one is fucked- the relationship will not stand, it will fall.

Indicative of any potential of getting to a point of mutual agreement about how to ‘play’ and deal with back chat is definitely the ability to response to each others questions with a clear “Yes” and a clear “No” within this Trust can be developed, anything less than this is unacceptable.
I will make sure that I will never allow any backchat as directive principle within my reality/world again. What ever it takes! I will get it done everything on the table, exposed as the back chat diaries.

Fascinating is that apparently the more dependant one financially is bound to others the more backchat and secrets exist within such relationships. This also applies within the relationship between children and parents.
An equal money system is the solutions to such unnecessary dependencies which creates inequality and thus separation and the urge to win at all cost.

Will be continued…
Backchat as response to your ex doesn’t stop after a break up or a divorce.

2011 More on Suppression

It has been a bit rough lately.
I also start seeing something else, yesterday I was crying and I was holding myself lying in bed, the tears were flowing and I couldn’t really understand what was going on b/c I rarely cry like that these days. I was holding myself tight, lying in a fetus position with my fingers crossed to contain myself here as the physical and tears were flowing.

I couldn’t really unravel it; it was quite a cool release from suppressed emotional/feeling bodies. This morning humiliation as experience was here for me to look at while opening up through writing and writing SF I started to cry even more I couldn’t stop.

I see that what is severely suppressed is contained within emotional bodies, resonating as such. These bodies are accepted thoughts lived into being; one cannot capture the words that have been creating such entities. Yet it controls one completely. So I walk back and this word humiliation came to surface, stepped forth as experience of self, which was suppressed within wordless emotional bodies/entities or however you want to name them.

It’s really like unwrapping myself, physically actually. Because It’s within the physical were the suppression is wrapped as it, I’ve become this as the physical.

While the physical is definitely supporting me ejecting the shit that shouldn’t be in it. I already walked such ejection of shit, rubbish that shouldn’t be there and I am still diffusing it; which almost becomes a natural thing that accompanies me. It will take time to get the unwanted stuff out.

Ok cool, I actually never have been writing it out as such.

2009 Participation

Participation

Through participation in this world I have to change, it’s within the participation that I’m able to live the living words in as the physical

It’s within the participation that one must change from consciousness to awareness to become the practical living solution to walk the living words in this I realize that

it’s within participation with others where I am able to amalgamate with all other selves as me

It’s within the participation where one is able to live the corrective application it’s within the participation where the points that have to change become real as the actuality of me

Within the participation with others is where one can direct and correct ONE self immediately  in the moment

Awareness which is not yet lived as me is not valid from the perspective  that it hasn’t been lived yet as me it’s within participation  to become whole

It’s within the participation where I stand, walk, express, move as me one and equal with the participants ,the participation the whole of my being.

It’s within the participation that one is holding back clinging unto past events, knowledge and information..

It’s within the participation that I have to allow myself to be whole with the participants.

It’s within and as being part and being patient to allow myself to become  whole within and as the part that is presented to me

It’s within the part, parted from the whole that I become whole It’s within the participation that I let go of all that I know to hold on to but instead holding it as me, holding  me as the part that has parted to become whole

It’s within the participation that I take the ‘outer part’ of me and bring it home to become whole

It’s within the participation that I don’t part but give back to the whole which is me to let go of partaking of taking, parting

to let go of parting

I don’t take ‘I’ hold the part as me in until All parts are home again Whole again.

2009 The Actuality of ‘Me’ During Domestic Fights- Arguing for my Limitation

Ok

Back to the actuality

He ‘snapped’ because me not willingly to get back to get the girls shoes.

I couldn’t breathe through it.

This wall I couldn’t ‘take’ in.

I was tempted to speak words of irritation instead of just taking it in as I do with the kids, with the little ones I do not ‘move’ in and as the mind but take it in and then there is silence. The hole in the moment me being whole and in this all self-definitions do not exist.

I didn’t I was tempted to speak, to participate without any self direction. Because I couldn’t stand the ‘wall’ I was facing, this particular experience of myself. Ok- Lets break it down!

This experience is of utter and complete exhaustion me talking to a ‘wall’ and this experience of self is something I don’t want to experience. Instead of remaining here in and as the breath I fall ok I will not be defined by failure.

First point:

I was ‘tired’ of this experience of self: Oh,- no here we go again! Same old shit, how many times have we’ve been here on this same route same path. I know where this is going to lead me! A whole day, or more days with putting up with ‘getting the cold shoulder’. No I don’t want that–>fighting it.

SF:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of this wall he’s presenting to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience to hard to bear within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight against myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape this experience of myself by removing him from my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I wasn’t able to remain here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I when I realized that he was still giving me the cold shoulder that I said get out of the car instead of not participating.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stay here within and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck this transcendence point up because I didn’t allowed myself to stay here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted by reason, arguing to fix the situation through talking ‘empty’ words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as arrogance believing that I can ‘fix’ events that I’m walking through reasoning and arguing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitation despise that I already have proven to myself that the only thing that is self directive is breath staying here as it, to live it to be it in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be tempted by words to fix myself, my world this reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that in this attempt I’m hiding my fear for what I really experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to walk through the outflow of his behavior and the way I specifically experience myself when he’s giving me the cold shoulder.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know where this path is leading to, him not speaking to me for days and me trying to fix it through reason and arguments instead of remaining here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate this experience of myself when he’s doing this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at all cost want to avoid this experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk away and deny this experience of myself and therefore try to fix it through arguments and reasoning while I know that this only makes things ‘worse’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience of myself to intense to bare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find myself in the exact same experience of self as when being with the kids and being possessed by and as anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the actual experience of myself that of  RAGE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing myself within this rage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be FURIOUS when someone/M is doing/acting this out this onto me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be treated this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to HATE it when someone is shutting of all communication with me I find it UNFAIR.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and without any means to stand up against this UNFAIRNESS and the RAGE inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so frustrated and so angry because of the perceived unfairness of someone shutting down all communication with me.

2009 SF Possession

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by frustration anger and rage.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by complete fury.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pass my rage and frustration onto the kids.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imprint this onto their resonance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resonate rage, fury and possessed anger.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become sad after participating within ‘giving my light’ away.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be sad which is an outflow of my sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto sadness as a self-definition point.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad after I’m possessed by intense rage, fury, and anger.

Droevig

Droef – ig

Sad

Das

S

A

D

Sad is bad

I’ve been bad so I feel sad

I’ve been naughty

Morality

Sad

Dad

Death

2009 Self Love

1 August 2009

The promise of the first day of the month as something new has started, the illusion of something ‘new’, something fresh, something pure.

Which is not something new, fresh or pure in fact!

The first days of depression here, I can say that its depression. Referring back to B words that we all have to transcend, spitefulness, depression and relationship as the tree major points one must walk.

I experience depression very prominent lately and it’s quite extensively as well. It goes up and down or it’s not an up and down but an outflow of the self realisations and it becomes more and more difficult the more I expose myself to me, the more I allow myself to be and become intimate with myself, the more shit is being revealed as the extensive programming I live in fact without even being aware of it because I live this in actuality. You can’t see what you are, I never could really understand this. But I see that this is a fact and that I live this in fact that what I have become.

You can’t see what you are in fact what and who you have become in fact I realize if you would see and self realize this in one moment you would actually die from grieve and shame.

I always had this thought about myself that I was very aware of myself but I’m not this has been proven to me through writing consistently every day. By reading back my writings from the last two months I see that I’m continiously living the same cycle over and over again. Without even being aware of it, not seeing the whole of it and how I‘ve become this in fact and living this as me the actuality of me.
How can you possibly see that what you are living every day?

And yes when reading back I became depressed once more. This depression is quite an experience.

To such an extend that I lie down in my bed and embrace me crying because really there is nothing else to do there is no place I can go to ‘ease’ my self-created misery.

Points to consider:
When embracing me there was specifically a point to look at a point that I’ve been applying much self-forgiveness on already in writing.

Embracing me in as the source of:
Self- nurturing
Self- love
Being gentle with and as self
Holding self

These are points that lock into mother matrix and how I, all are fucked by our mothers and then fuck ourselves and all others as self and keep running the program. It actually doesn’t matter what kind of live you have had, in essence the same construct.

Within my live very prominent – I was adopted when I was four years old and could actually never understand why mothers leave their children, giving them away for others to raise. My adopted mother never showed any affection towards me, never at all she didn’t wanted me in her live.

Going back to my depression I was lying in bed when I came to a point that i wasn’t even able to cry I was just numbed out.
I was holding me: As self love, As self nurturing, As self being gentle with me.

And then I experienced a release I was actually able to hold me specifically within the above points for the first time and the next day I was laughing about it as unlashing self-enjoyment.

I’m all above definitions of what I was looking for already and fighting against myself all this time, I am all these points in fact here as me. No need to fight against this, so that was cool to stand as the following: Self- nurturing, Self-love,Self -gentleness, Holding self, all of me.

I actually never could hold myself as these points because I was conditioned by looking for these definitions ‘out there’ not even being aware of All of me here already it, how could I have known? I was always looking for someone giving it to me.

I realize that writing consistently on a daily basis is the foundation of getting the shit in front of you and allow yourself to see and realize how extensively this existence is fucked and how extensively we’re ingrained in this reality we call life. Its even more fucked up and then I realized it was

Looking at it from the perspective as a mother I now have to live this in fact here in and as the physical in every moment of breath to realize this and to live this in fact as me. The little ones are the trigger points always and now I have to stand even when I fall I get myself up.

I am gentleness as me in fact

I am love as me in fact

I hold me all of me here in fact

I embrace all of me here in fact as the living expression of me

Zina is seeing it clearly even pointing it out to me. “Now you’re angry mommy”
Lou is already slamming doors when copying me and saying “angry” boos, boos.

Yep the flower of life which has been removed and how I’ve been programmed and then after you become 28 your living it as you in fact deeper a deeper into it until you die. Until you have completely and totally abdicated to the system. People do not grow old gracefully oh no it’s horrific to be with old people to see what they’ve become to see a glimpse of the ‘future’ you.

Ok! I am Here standing and I have two beings I’m responsible for I made an agreement with myself to walk with them as me and I have to stand for them as Life as me and for all the children yet to come.

2009 The Realm of Dead People


I realized that my mother was lost after she died and how I said to her” Fuck off” when she ‘came’ to me.
I was ‘feeling’ her within me, lost, she was so lost. She really didn’t know where she was at all I realize now. She was utterly lost when she died and that she was wandering in the dimensional plane not knowing where she was at all. And she kept keeping back to the ppl she know when she was still in the physical plane, she went to see her kids. And I said “Fuck Off” she actually didn’t understand that, so she left us alone.
I said to her to “Go Away, Leave me Alone” and I realize I just see now that she didn’t know where she was at, lost as we’re All lost.

I feel ashamed as I see know that I was lost too.

I remember telling this to my father and that he answered is this really necessary, why are you so cruel to her?
It was during my miscarriage that these things opened up to me, I could for the first time ‘communicate’ with the intangible world. Before I actually never wanted to have anything to do with a world I couldn’t see or touch and I was petrified off it as well. It was just a no-go-area also due to my early childhood experiences.
As a child I was petrified by demons my sister could ‘see’ them and I could ‘sense’ them.So I said as a child to never ever communicate with a world I couldn’t touch. I’m grateful to all that walked before us that have been preparing the way so the demons were able to purify themselves. No demon will ever do harm onto children anymore. I just know that this is an absolute, there are no demons as they existed to haunt us anymore.
I’ve seen and experienced how horrific it was. No more!

The ‘Spirit’ world. Someone pointed out to me that there exist a possibility that dead people could be lost as well. That there is no absolute certainty that things would be all fine when being dead, in the after Life.
I already saw this point but couldn’t really pin point it. I thought that those wandering after death where ‘lost’ souls and within this I wanted to make sure that this would never happen to me.

I was only interested in me, myself and I and my own comfort.