2011 Back Chat within Creates without

I started a back-chat diary

w o w

That’s in fact revealing and dirty to say the least, all that severely hurts me within others behavior which always led to self compromise because I couldn’t  ‘stand’ within it exist within me as well.

So I bring it all back to self Here after I got possessed by anger towards a person. Took me a day to get this starting point straight again, sometimes I still try to convince if maybe, possibly, someone else is to blame for my experience – lol  – can’t do. This anger outburst of mine I can see  clearly now created through firstly fear towards seeing this person agin and while seeing this person again while talking together it became anger fed by allowed back chat which I can see is part of a suppressed unresolved part of me, not yet faced shit. I see clearly that I wasn’t directing me immediately in the moment when the fear was here within me  and I actually allowed to become petrified and that led to anger. My mis take.

The back chat that’s the most revealing is the one that is instantaneously simultaneously manifested while observing/participating within my world/reality . I can clearly see that it always accompanies a feeling, holds information.

Those, the immediate back-chats are the ones that are holding hidden self definitions, those I want to hold on to. The automation of the back-chat is indicative of these personality traits through simply observing/hearing the back chats while participating within my world/reality.

Kind of ugly shit – especially knowing that all exist within such ugly shit! If the back-chat would be revealed in one moment when talking to each other we would through the nastiness of it go insane or be in severe trouble by the ugliness of it.Probably we would smack each others heads. Back-chat the outflow of the principle of destruction to keep one firmly seated within ones Ego. This destruction is what we are living into being, the manifested consequence which is this world/ this reality.

Ok, so I got slightly depressed and severely shocked by the existence of the ugliness within me, the pile of ugliness is endless there seems to be always more, which is nothing else than waking up to the extend of the fuckedness of ones existence, alright, so I can’t stay within such allowed state for too long.

I’ve been creating the ugliness myself, Ok, so I push myself so I can stop myself and learn from the soft voices in my head; which is rather loud in its demands for winning and its call for destruction.Everyone’s backchat is as ugly as mine its real nasty shit. I will investigate my back chat, time to get the nasty shit out.

Back chat diaries the real secret within


2011 The Power of the majority – from Demons are cracy to Equality for All

During an interview with Nawaal el-Saadawi she was asked the following.

Q:Is the fight for democracy and women’s rights one and the same?

A:Yes they are the same.


A:There is no Democracy without women because women are half the society or more then half the society so how can you have democracy without half the society”

Simplicity! It’s irrational to state that the power of the majority is exercised when half of the people aren’t included.

Real Democracy can’t exist when more then half of the world’s population isn’t included because we let them starve to death. Simple unacceptable!

Equality can not exist without those that we deliberately exclude, those that are starving to death; at the moment more then half of the World’s population. How can Equality exist when we exclude more then half of the World’s people?


You cant its irrational!

So for those that say: “Why should we have World Equality or vote for World Equality in the first place?”– well cut of your pink or your hand or your head and while you at it your legs as well and then ask again.The physical human body is One, Humanity as a whole is One, and the practical application of Oneness is Equality, its really simple!

Give your vote for World Equality

Join us! Equal Life Foundation

Equal money for All http://equalmoney.org/

‘Inspired’ by Nawaal el-Saadawi Human Rights Activist and feminist.

“Writing: such has been my crime ever since I was a small child. To this day writing remains my crime. Now, although I am out of prison, I continue to live inside a prison of another sort, one without steel bars. For the technology of oppression and might without justice has become more advanced, and the fetters imposed on mind and body have become invisible. The most dangerous shackles are the invisible ones, because they deceive people into believing they are free. This delusion is the new prison that people inhabit today, north and south, east and west…We inhabit the age of the technology of false consciousness, the technology of hiding truths behind amiable humanistic slogans that may change from one era to another…Democracy is not just freedom to criticize the government or head of state, or to hold parliamentary elections. True democracy obtains only when the people – women, men, young people, children – have the ability to change the system of industrial capitalism that has oppressed them since the earliest days of slavery: a system based on class division, patriarchy, and military might, a hierarchical system that subjugates people merely because they are born poor, or female, or dark-skinned.”
— Nawal El Saadawi (Memoirs from the Women’s Prison)



Actually all proposals to bring about change that do not include and state & declare explicit equality for all in all ways and how its going to be implemented by people that are walking the talk and share the steps in  EQUALITY are not valid!

Not that we bash out on or disregard other proposals we understand that our starting point is EQUALITY in all ways we agreed on this simple equation 1+1=2  Simply b/c this principle will stand the test of time.

Anything else is not valid so yes we move on!

2010 Change

Something has changed

when being with the children, I ‘see’ the play out especially when Z gets home from a play date when she is still resonating all the imprints she has been exposed to she isn’t yet here so to speak .

Then what happens is that I get tired, physically tired, very tired.Its like being drawn into ‘something’. Where I use to respond  as in an act of automated reactive behaviour I now get physically tired. I sometimes slip into reacting-automated, yet I am able to stop and immediately Direct me I stabilise myself I let it go. I ‘see’  it now like a structure where ‘I’ play a part which is resonating without any real  substance to it.

Which is a word that is with me lately: Substance


Having no Substance

I have no actual words to describe it yet – but its very much within my awareness how little I actually really experience/ live as and in the physical as me/us/all here. Everything is within the structure without Real Substance, all the ingredients are here we are using it all, I mean we eat , we eat substance yet we dont have a clue what the real physical expression of food actually is and what surprises me the most that its here, and always has been here as me – lol

Same with sex, we do our thingy yet we do it within the structure utilising and actually abusing the body being blind for TOUCH and what touch is actually all about. TOUCH became sex and that is a empty fake experience it doesn’t have any substance – lol

It actually ‘came’ to me when doing the ‘exercises’ given by the resonances where I was working with food. Holding it as me where ‘it’ stepped forth so effortlessly and it was/is enjoyable to ‘see’ and enjoy substance, our physical reality as such

I always get in a void when the resonances ask me to expand on definitions or words of the description I have given. Yet I see that within this lies the opportunity to slow down, which isn’t that scary anymore. lol  And it gives me the opportunity to see and ‘find’ the words that comes with it, to describe what I see which is the next step to walk.

Today I actually ‘saw’ within someone the expression of slowing down and then I stand one and equal as it and become it as me which I can expand on explore as well. Its the same with other expression that I experience around me which I admire or adore or simple enjoy! I Stand one and equal as it and within this bypass the mind in one single moment! Which is very cool – to become aware of me here as physical expression.

So cool

Expansion and exploration of this point will establish as I walk

It has to do with the decision I currently walking into being and re- discover myself its like many ‘bodies’ ‘layers’ ‘veils’ has disappeared and I feel lighter, and everything is brighter yes, I experience myself less heavy. More up to ‘things’. So cool

Only in retrospective I can see how I neglected ‘myself’ and how deeply I have been in the/a hypnotized state by believing that I am of the structure with no substance to it – fake life.

I found myself back, something I though was lost along the way and actually wasn’t even aware that it was this very experience of myself that I lost. Really we are such a stupid lost  beings.Its not even disheartening anymore – its just plain stupidity and the more peopel wake up the faster we can move.

The point I couldn’t give up/see wasn’t able to grasp easily evolved around money that one point I was holding on to – no judgement. I see it all around me, how all are hypnotised and thus defined by money =survival.

The decision established self trust in trusting myself to always walk in the best interest of all and realising that my way applied is only serving the delusion of self, so I let it go no matter what. Its not serving all then it must go and be corrected. and that pushing oneslef to the limit is quite rewarding and not scary but enjoyable because it gives a freaking lot of satisfaction – I mean equality is FUN
I see, I correct,I walk aligned what is best for all and be an absolute perfectionist while doing so. It must be 100% flawless – 1+1=2


2009 Observing Myself

Tuesday 21 July

Today I felt heavy when waking up, depressed almost.

We had a meeting today about our house, I actually do not know how I experienced myself I saw this man talking and while observing him. I was seeing all kinds of things someone who can suppress himself very well, we exchanged some information and then I saw that only when he could give input he talked and when he received input he didn’t liked or was bothered about he made all kind of insinuations with his body that he wanted to leave.

Then I observed this: loaded with money and only wants projects to own to call them my own, whether property or people.

Actually I couldn’t really direct myself within it all, I was only able to observe myself.

And when he left I said:Divorced,Alimony,Loaded,Ownership. Ok, so we achieved what we needed to do.

Then I walked down to the apple store to buy and inform about another laptop mine is almost crashing. The shop assistant was talking so fast and was so hyper that after some time I stopped, I just stopped myself running off and trying to cope with his verbal speed.

When I walked home I was feeling lost. I notice that I observe myself when interacting with others in this world and I see that I’m only able to observe myself at this stage and allocate and identify who I am in this but I can’t direct myself within this yet.