2011 Introducing myself- my story Finding Desteni, the journey to Self

When I stumbled upon my first video at Desteni back in dec. 2007 I couldn’t have imagine that it would actually be the beginning of the end of ‘me’.

I walked the world matrix quite extensively meaning I did my education, got a professional career, got into relationship, got a child, quit my job to be a stay at home mom. The journey, which led me to this life and this version of me, is the actual process I am walking, to study and investigate my accepted and allowed reality within the Desteni ‘I’ process.

I’ve been raised as a Christian yet my parents were not strict in practising their religion. By the time I was ten or so I really saw that Nope the bible and its interpretation cannot in fact be so. From there the journey of finding ‘The Truth” of me began. The LOA has been an accepted part of my upbringing; my family were very much into self-help books and psychology. I sincerely believed that it was my actual plight to live the fullest potential of me and become the best of me within the context of what I accepted as “getting the best out of me” in this life. I was a seeker and collector of experiences I wanted to experience it all one of my mantra’s was: “I only live once so I must make the best out of it here and now” Little did I know then, that yes this is so yet what one will bring into creation all depends on ones starting-point-lol

Whether it was Yoga, mediation, psychic reading’s, drugs, alcohol, clubbing, travelling etc.. I wanted to experience it all and from a matrix perspective yes so to speak, I did it all. By the time I settled down to be a mom, I stumbled upon the living application of what’s best for all, – Destonians and Practivism.

Initially by reading and watching the material what was standing out for me were the words used and the clarity within the sentences, how the message was scripted. I never heard such clear structured yet living real langue before. Which was remarkable because we all use words, so to be able to use words in such a way that all seems ‘new’ creating a platform to look at this world/reality from a complete different perspective, was mind-blowing and a call for more!

The message of oneness and equality wasn’t hard to grasp – it resonated within me as the absolute truth, which wasn’t debatable.

I was actually seeking for the truth/life we all do other wise we would be content with our current truth which is our life, each individual life is each individual truth. So when one is seeking one is living the confirmation that one’s life is a lie, common sense.

I immediately started waking with, initially through writing because in writing one gives self the opportunity to pull all hidden information about oneself which is inside to the surface, outside. Writing is an amazing tool to self.

It wasn’t an ‘easy’ or ‘funny’ or a tralalala experience I must say it took me a while to stabilise within integrating the tools of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, 4 count Breathing, Self-Corrective Application into my day-to-day living. Through being consistent in writing and applying the tools on a day-to-day basis I created a platform from where I could walk. This obvious takes time, we’ve been creating ourselves meticulously into specificity and detailed as our accepted expression over a period of time, so walking backwards in space-time in order to walk into corrective application to bring about what’s best for all, will take time and consistent self-willed application.

The forums and the blogs by fellow Destonians have been of invaluable support, I haven’t encountered such a place before where people in self-Honesty are sharing themselves, which takes a lot of courage, discipline and will power, I know from my own experiences what it takes to walk with. My visits to the farm with and without the children have given me a glimpse of what it means/will be like to manifest Heaven on Earth. while being at the Desteni Farm one can experience for a moment to live one and equal to truly support and assist each other as a group. To give All what one wants for themselves, security, safety, comfort which is currently only established and given through money, equal money will end the atrocity so we’ll create a platform from where we will value life as it should have been from the very start.

Initially I wasn’t really walking this process for myself I ‘saw’ my children and the ones yet to come I just had to act on the information and knowledge presented to me.I had to at least give me- and thus my children-an equal opportunity to see for myself what I have become and who I am within what I do.By walking with, I got to a clear and substantial understanding that what I live one and equal as expression will be manifested and the living example for all and for my children, simple!

Being a parent opens up the window of Possibilities and Grace. While interacting with Children one is forced to practically walk instantly, immediately within the moment here – lol No room for introspection, just do it!

While participating with my children, falling and standing up again became a daily living practical action!

In fact the children and the factual relationship with them have been and still is a Real wake up call, a Reality check. Reality as physical substantial manifestation isn’t up to ideas, beliefs, conditions etc..it has completely different laws. Its Direct, Here, Immediately within every moment. It’s useless to be or want to be more than the physical it has been the downfall of man, so time to stand up and walk equality for all as the change we will bring about as the real parents of this world, lets get this done!

So give yourself a reality check and walk with,- if you have the couRage!

Thank you,

Image Frida Kahlo:Wat I saw in the Water


2011 Equality as Life Style!

I start over again!
So the decision is made I’ll move out of the house and probably leave the city as well and thus its lifestyle that has been m’I’ne for such a long period of time and by this I’m saying farewell to something a ‘style’ of living that doesn’t serves me anymore.
The structural design within I’m living here in the city is part of or even more accurate is ‘me’ in the old ways. It opened up within me that I simply could let go of this so called Lifestyle I created and constructed here. I’m not this person anymore, that persona as this very construct has died. I have lived this constructed manifested life fully into completion. I actually walked the whole matrix of aDullt life into completion by:
Getting into a relationship/marriage- getting kids- buying a house, the ‘Works’.
Married with children living the ‘perfect’ city lifestyle everything in place everything I placed so carefully for us all after “I lived it all and did it all” fase and before I started walking this ‘I’ process of self-honesty.

It was kind of straining to keep all those persona’s within the structure in place and it’s a full-time job, a commitment for life and I’m done doing so. Actually already some time ago yet I’m still living within the structural design of something; which is of the past, it has become quite useless in fact.

It served its purpose yet it doesn’t hold that purpose anymore. It’s quite fascinating to see how I’ve been meticulously designing myself into and as this ‘persona’ living in the city. From ‘Sex in the City’ to married with children. It freaking takes dedication and effort to establish/ manifest it into being. Sometimes I’m still amazed in awe/respect of others manifestation of how they established their thingy into being not yet realizing in full awareness that I did (all do) the exact same thing. We bring exactly that into manifestation what we intended to do, each single meticulous detail of it.

So from here having a ‘fresh’ look at what we’re establishing within this process of walking into a world that will bring equality for all by establishing an equal money system is of the same meticulous precise detailed placement of oneself within the greater to have eventually an impact, preparing the way before us. If one look at what one is able to create by looking back at one’s life and how this ability to create can be a force of real change when the alignment is adjusted with serving all! We can actually do it and will do so!

Yet now I break up again starting all over again. This time it will be the first time from the starting point of de-engineering myself realigning myself with what is best for all. Its kind of surreal! Can one really do so? Yes one can!

Equality as Life Style all included is my new devise!

2011 Closure

So ok I, it must come to a closure so I will.
The last period has actually been a pause moment a ‘in between phase ‘ this will now come to an end.
There is not so much to say about it, what must be done must be done what must be walked must be walked
and must be walked one step at the time.
I can’t be more or direct more than what I’m able to handle in one breath.

Ok, so let’s do it.

will be continued….

2009 experience



I was standing somewhere in a house were I was watching  a lot op people in another room came walking in and out and they all knew each other, it seemed to be a family meeting. I was standing there with my kids and felt a bit lost and not knowing what to do ok that’s exactly what I experienced these last few weeks. The room was a round shape full with round shape benches. I thought why did they construct the houses and the benches like this?

I was told that they house was much bigger and I felt impressed by the size of the house. I remember that I was looking at all these other people that were greeting the new people who entered the other room.Yep I was observing that what was going on, and I would be introduced to it as well, because I was part of the meet and greet.

Perhaps this shows me the phase I just entered with my kids and how I am re-entering the ‘system’ and feel somehow overpowered by the ‘force’ of it all.

Re-entering all these experiences inside myself towards school

Yep that could be it.

M and I both had a tough time  dealing with it; it has been a milestone so far. He went through specific memories again and so did I. Both related to just being here in a different country then where we originate from we both didn’t speak Dutch and had to learn this first and adjust to being in a new country before being able to go to school.

So the experience of ‘being overwhelmed’ and the inability to ‘handle’ it has been very prominent these last weeks for the both of us.

Zina on the other hand is quit fine and doing ok. I see that she loves to learn new things such as the alphabet; she’s already able to recognize these new symbols and being very proud of it as well.

One thing she’s very clear about she told me that almost everyone in school is running around in their heads-lol

Feelings of being overpowered angered for not being able to direct myself. Feeling helpless because of walking through this with my daughter again.

I breathe through the experiences I have of myself and see what will unfold.

2009 Fear of Public Humiliation

Monday 3 August 2009

Fear of Public Humiliation, I experienced this quite a bit, extensively I must say.
First time I was getting really aware of it was when I planned to go to the farm: “What would others think of me as a mother?” Fear of public judgment, embarrassment.

Now being here at the campground: What would the neighbours think of me when I’m so pissed off when the kids are awake at 4 o’clock  in the morning and stay awake for 2 hours and, or when Zina is waking Lou up in the middle of the night and me being utterly irritated by it, being utterly ashamed that they may have overheard me talking to the kids to shut up and that they need to go back to sleep.

DO I remain here as breathe? Oh no I get irritated I want to sleep!
And then it creeps in:
-Who did hear me?
-Who will judge me?
-What will the neighbours think of me?

It’s so silent here someone must have heard me being irritated, saying: “shut the fuck up, omfg I’m so embarrassed.”

Same with C, When I cried in front of her this is already almost 2 years ago and still do I feel shame that I cried and showed my utter despair towards her. Similiar point: Fear and being ashamed of showing myself in Public.

Two days ago the thought of me being spiteful about a post that I made in the past towards a persons in my words was spite and I know it and I know that others saw that already during that time and there it is. Being exposed and humiliated publicly That’s the core of this specific point being embarrassment through exposure. I want to explain myself, explain  my behaviour in terms of: “I can’t just help myself! It’s bigger then me! Its to big to handle! I cant help myself. Please I want you to understand so that you wont judge me.”

Never been aware of this fear within me its more a point of being exposed and fear of being PUBLICLY HUMILIATED. Fear of Public judgment because of it.

Thoughts come up as:

“Please understand me, I’m not a bad parent.”
“Someone could call the children/family care office and report me as a bad parent and take my kids away.” Irrational stuff.
“Every body sees that what I’m hiding, I’m exposed and being executed for it in public”
Very deeply ingrained ‘I’rrational stuff.

2009 Family- Mother in Law

Back to the question:

Why don’t I allow myself to hold her as me unconditionally here as me as I’m doing with the little ones? There shouldn’t be any difference between my kids or anyone else .That’s totally not acceptable and yet I live this in actuality

I wrote and applied already so much sf on this but its still not cleared although I realize that most of my reactions are unconsciously triggered and then lived as me

Ok there is one part that I didn’t allowed myself to look into and didn’t allow myself to embrace as me

I see a fear to become like her and this fear I don’t want to face with myself and this fear I’m fighting within and without not even realizing that this particular point is already playing out so I’m fighting and rebelling against it.

When I observe myself when being around her I realize  that I very much react towards her, it’s not even one thing which is very prominent but her whole presence

When she walks in my home to see the kids I’m already get tensed

I always thought that it was our lack of communication due to a language barrier but I also realize that much of our communication is done and translated through body language

To dive deeper into this specific point

And to be brutal self-honesty about it I hate being being with her I hate spending time with her, I hate it when she’s manipulating the kids – no not really

But I hate it when she’s complaining about her lack of being with her own daughter

I hate it when she cries

I hate it when she’s tries everything possible everything possible within a female set of rules to ‘get’ to me or to anyone in her reality

What is it that to get to me?

The way she enters the house always moaning, sighing

That’s the first thing

But ok back to my fear ending up exactly like her


What does she represent?

The way she’s completely and utterly depending on the attention of her kids – Aaah

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I fear of that what I still have to walk

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my mother in law represents all the fear I suppress inside

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she stands within me as the fear I suppress inside

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she represents all the points I’m afraid of facing within myself namely fear of the that what I have become and what is already playing out, Fear of death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that whenever I see her I see a sick woman that ‘sacrificed’ herself for her children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I fear that I sacrificied myself to the desire of having children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she had breast cancer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I judge her for it because she caused this herself instead of realising that I’m equal responsible for the outflow as the accepted and allowed nature of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ending up like her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s completely and utterly depending on her children for her ‘happiness’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I fear ending up like her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that all mothers in this world are completely and utterly depending on their children for their  ‘happiness’

And therefore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that mothers in this world manipulate their children, they abuse crying, love and their ownership of the word motherhood and right as a mother to manipulate their children into infinity in the name of motherhood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my mother in law is taking ownership on her children and her grandchildren only because she is their mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that mothers claim owner ship over their children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this is the ultimate act of separation to exclude every one which is not from the own womb

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that females are the biggest deceivers in existence preaching and justifying their act of spitefulness with words such as love and motherhood, and intuition and god knows what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women abuse and use clothes to seduce men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women abuse and abuse makeup to seduce men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that all women are manipulating males because they can.

As I see

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to hold her unconditionally as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that this resistance towards her is me resting and fighting me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that all that I see within her is simply reflection all of me back to me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience the feelings inside when being with her and simply apply myself accordingly

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to resist looking into the fear I experience inside but instead went into complete spite towards her

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the fear I experiencing is simply showing me how I exist

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to correct myself within the moment when the inner turmoil starts boiling up

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stay within and as the breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the fear of ending up like her is already playing out

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself that the future is already here and the only thing I can do is stay here as and in the breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed to suppress all the feelings inside such as fear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear death

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear growing old

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself whenever I see women of age I see myself and that what I eventually will become and I’m completely and utterly suppress the experience inside

This is completely and utterly unacceptable

I am the directive principle of me

I see that I can change

I do not suppress what I experience inside

I’m not afraid of that what I’m experiencing inside

I’ve seen and I see what this does to people to suppress all what is living inside and the illness and the death that will come through accepting and allowing this to be lived as you in fact.

This is completely unacceptable and I will not abdicate myself  I see and realize that the actuality of me is exactly the same suppressing and ignoring the true experience inside

When I see the children with my mother in law they embrace her unconditionally. Simple

And so shall I walk the correction in every moment of

I do not accept and allow this any further

Till here it’s enough

It’s complete stupidity and only causing suffering and bs

When I look at this again I see that when ever I suppress myself extensively the kids are extremely physical with me both in their own way, Zina is just here unconditionally in her support and Lou is always touching me

So I’ve seen these two specific points

The same constructs we both participate in

And the suppressing of my fears to end up like her that’s why I don’t feel comfortable around her

This I haven’t realized before

Please forgive me for all my bs

My spite towards you

My arrogance

My suppressed fear projected towards you

As we’re all in this together and no one excluded, and I’m as much responsible for her as for me

I take you in, I hold you as me because you are me

How In fucks name can I talk about oneness and equality when I cant even hold her as me and hold these points that she’s representing to me within myself

How can I walk being able to direct me and direct others as me when not even able to hold my mother in law as me WTF?

This stops here!

I realize I see that everyone in my reality in my ‘little’ world must be taken into consideration, standing one and equal to them as me other wise I pretty much fuck myself within this all.

Its such a simple realzisation but to my shame and embarrassment I have to say that I never took her into consideration I completely and utterly denied her in my existence how fucking stupid is this. I cant even realize that this was what I was actually doing. Holy cow I’m even more fucked up and full of shit then I thought I was.

Well let’s not wallow in this stupidity any further

It stops here

The veil I will call it. The veil of self deceit

My mother in law

Ignore all and live as ignorance is bliss – WTF?

I ignored my father

I ignore my in laws

I will not ignore anyone or anything any longer

I will be here











After I voiced my Sf I experienced an instant release and I experience less backpain I feel lighter in my whole being. Also my pelvic floor is stabilizing its really amazing

This one point that was boiling inside of me to see how I exist triggered by my mother in law

2009 The Realm of Dead People

I realized that my mother was lost after she died and how I said to her” Fuck off” when she ‘came’ to me.
I was ‘feeling’ her within me, lost, she was so lost. She really didn’t know where she was at all I realize now. She was utterly lost when she died and that she was wandering in the dimensional plane not knowing where she was at all. And she kept keeping back to the ppl she know when she was still in the physical plane, she went to see her kids. And I said “Fuck Off” she actually didn’t understand that, so she left us alone.
I said to her to “Go Away, Leave me Alone” and I realize I just see now that she didn’t know where she was at, lost as we’re All lost.

I feel ashamed as I see know that I was lost too.

I remember telling this to my father and that he answered is this really necessary, why are you so cruel to her?
It was during my miscarriage that these things opened up to me, I could for the first time ‘communicate’ with the intangible world. Before I actually never wanted to have anything to do with a world I couldn’t see or touch and I was petrified off it as well. It was just a no-go-area also due to my early childhood experiences.
As a child I was petrified by demons my sister could ‘see’ them and I could ‘sense’ them.So I said as a child to never ever communicate with a world I couldn’t touch. I’m grateful to all that walked before us that have been preparing the way so the demons were able to purify themselves. No demon will ever do harm onto children anymore. I just know that this is an absolute, there are no demons as they existed to haunt us anymore.
I’ve seen and experienced how horrific it was. No more!

The ‘Spirit’ world. Someone pointed out to me that there exist a possibility that dead people could be lost as well. That there is no absolute certainty that things would be all fine when being dead, in the after Life.
I already saw this point but couldn’t really pin point it. I thought that those wandering after death where ‘lost’ souls and within this I wanted to make sure that this would never happen to me.

I was only interested in me, myself and I and my own comfort.