- Sf on suppressing the real experience within: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real, raw experience within in relation to m’s arrival back ‘home’
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear m’s return back ‘home’
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from this fear /this person, from the real raw experience within
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from what I experience within
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny the real experience within
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real experience within
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that I must strong and keep up face regardless of the real experience within
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always must stand within every experience within
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always have to be strong and up to the task
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny emotions of being hurt within me
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions of being hurt within
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress my feelings
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I actually feel within
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions as they arise
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my tears
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I experience myself in fights, arguments, backchat, cheatings, back stabbing
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the experience of myself in order to be able to survive within the system
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be strong
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being strong as suppressing the real emotions of being hurt within.
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as bad
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define feelings as bad
- I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to categorise emotions and feelings as bad as a no- go area and therefore suppress them within myself.
So some side-notes about my commitment to post my writings onto my blog
Before I pushed the enter button thoughts are flashing through my mind – the girls refer to thoughts as movies within our heads- we have become possessed by the movie in our heads.
Thoughts as back-chat:
– “Its pointless”
– “I’m being dramatically within my writings”
– “I’m pedant within my writings”
So actually activities/characteristic I categorized as ‘bad’ and that’s why I don’t want to be seen as such. It holds judgment and fear
– “Its pointless”
Inherent belief that one can’t ‘fight’ the Giant, all Ants together makes the Giant.
– “I’m being dramatically within my writings”
Ok so here I see judgment towards emotions, and judgments as fear towards energy.
– “I’m pedant within my writings”
subtle self manipulation where I’m then tempted to give into b/c its seemingly ok to not want to act in a certain way, there doesn’t exist such a ‘certain’ way in fact, its only one way the way thats best for all.
Explaining yourself why you shouldn’t do something through reasoning is always irrational and uses logic to make your point valid and is actually a mind possession, so you walk your day from one mind possession to the next one. Really unnecessary.
We reason our way into infinity, we have become the Posse of the Possessed ones with no other reason than to keep the cause of the reason=possession alive. Time to get back to reality!
Get to know your mind demons:
I see hastiness as experience within me a constant need to engage myself within ‘it’ and I blame participating with ‘others’ for this, it’s slight yet its there. I can see how it emerges within me. It’s a point of blame so within this I don’t take an absolute stand within taking self-responsibility for my own experience. Fear, I fear that I will not stand within my surroundings/environment.
It’s like walking my process once again now to expand it into the ‘outer world’ – I mean if I cant stand within the world matrix the stance is not yet actualised as an absolute.
It’s a process
Points to look at/take on:
Fearing Energy and how I place this within my reality as the matrix of morality that is ‘attached’ to it.
I categorise energy as bad I always did I actually do not know where it stems from I have been looking at this point for some time now and I know that the answer will step forth while walking the question even if it takes years.
I live this fear as me, I start to observe that whenever I observe energy coming up within me or others I actually already live in fear and within this I’m already automated locked into and existing within/as this limitation point.
So how to walk through it? What I have found the most effective is to actually correct self in real time and space. This observation also seems to be more articulated since some time. So I start seeing it very clearly almost crystal clear.
Another point which I also start observing is that there is not such a thing as good energy – lol sound very obvious yet when living it, its something different
So good, cool nice energy or that what makes me feel comfortable especially in relation to people is NOT EXISTING IN FACT – lol Because I see that the source of all information and thus energy traits is the same, its of the MCS system.
When I look at judgement and how I deem some particular interactions as bad and thus I deem certain stored information and how I experience this as bad. I stored this as not nice, bad, shitty experience of self also because I couldn’t place it within my world/reality.
Ok the above makes sense didn’t yet saw it from this perspective.
So this particular energy became something to avoid, and certain people who I deem as fake, yet in essence true because they ignited that physical sensation within me – probably as a child more as a one and equal standing with other seeing and observing the system manifestation within aDults and how they presented themselves. Ok that makes sense, makes a lot of sense.
So now I stored this energy through observation within the bad category and it will ‘come out’ as judgement towards certain people, yet in essence its FEAR of this energy.
So that takes me to another answer or perspective me living within the old ways and creating a extreme high in existing within the positive energy when it came to experienced perception of self, positive vibes and so on. ‘I’ was an absolute positive energy junk.
Yet I also realised and seen within me that All energy and how we are participating within it is a destroying power not only the ‘bad’ the ‘good’ equally alike.
So to fear Energy is not making any sense, its irrational.
So Fear as judgment doesn’t make any sense.
I’ve been correcting this point in multiple layers and I couldn’t have been de- engineering myself as such without extensive support and I know now that I am more than capable of walking this point into re-alignment.
Yet this layer I haven’t seen yet in clarity.
So I will direct this point into a living application and whenever especially when I want to run away when around others, deem especially certain kinds of interaction as ‘bad’ yet hidden within a judgment about people, certain kind of people.
When I get tired after interaction with others
When I get sleepy as in the perceived experience of self, surfacing as “interaction with others is too much” in relation to certain people.
I will myself to look into it immediately without delay and expose to myself where I walk away from myself, within not allowing myself an absolute standing.
I’m aware of the construct Fearing Energy I judge it. I wasn’t yet giving this to myself. Meaning I wasn’t yet able to say ok, its ok to see that this is part of me this extensive fear,petrifying fear as judgement.
So for practical support
I will myself to walk into a living application to stand one and equal as it comes to this specific energy I fear. I will expand on the application that I live with and as my kids. Breathe, stand, walk, breathe in – out, walk, Self Forgive, in Self honesty, breathe by breathe until it stands, yes it can be done.
I will also do this whenever I am with the package M&M, ‘take it in’ because yeah there is still a resistance point of “oh no not this again” a fight modus so I will utilise this application because I have found that irritation and annoyance about others is actually many times Fear. Fear of not being able to stand within what one is irritated and annoyed about and this eventually leads to judgement.
That’s it for now!
“So I fucked up, I failed I ‘missed’ the opportunity to transcend this specific point”
Points to ponder by B: “Do not define self by fuckups and failures”
Ok this I see is a trap as well failure as a self- definition point which contains of thoughts like: “I am a failure” ; “I always fuck up!”
Self Corrective statements:
When I fail I realize who I am, I’m not defined through it.
When I Fuck up I allow myself to realize how I exist, I’m not defined by it.
So, Yes it was intense and emotional this was the second time we shared SF together and we were scared as hell.
Ok so we pushed ourselves beyond this limitation of being scared.
I noticed a slight change within myself whenever I wanted to wallow in emotions I stop slowed myself down and walked again.
Even when the mind so to speak doesn’t want to go further and resist so much then I realize ok this is it, this resistance I have to embrace exactly this point and embrace it, breath! Only the breath is pulling me through.
So I noticed that whenever I want to give in, into emotions and Blame as a manifested construct a wall of resistance I managed to breathe through this massive wall and remain here as breath. I walk/stumble upon the exact same wall- I recognise so well from my youth- when being with my father.
I realize that nothing will get me through really nothing then being here in and as the breath not as an ATTEMPT of trying to archive anything but as the living expression as me.
And I must say it’s a release. I’m done fighting this particular point and specifically fighting this within myself.
It’s not ‘easy’ to sit down together to take him and hold him as me, but I do the same as I do with the little ones hold him as me and to see that he’s truly me all the refractions that hurt so much inside is only me refusing to embrace me here.
I noticed that I was gentle yet firm and standing with and as him and pushed it till the ultimate in which was possible in the moment until we get to the next forgiveness round so to speak, I didn’t had a plan and I pushed what ever presented itself in the moment.
So that was cool but I’m not yet done I’m done when its done. Simple
Another point that I observed is that actually holding another is the most simple thing that is here to do its effortless and ones you breath through all the resistance its effortless and you can actually see why and how you made all the fuzz to hold on to self definitions, ideas of self and to defend them at any cost regardless of all and everything.
I have to embrace that M is where he’s at this stage this doesn’t imply that I accept it I embrace it as me and walk with him as me.
There is nothing what I can do at this stage other than breath and embrace all refractions of me ‘out there’ unconditionally as me to take them ‘in’ as me.
At a certain point when voicing self-forgiveness fear came up when we’re looking each other in the eyes, and I took it in as me simple effortless. This doesn’t mean that it’s lalalala land over here, we shared self forgiveness and I realize that I have to walk it in every moment of breath to be and become and live this as the living expression of me as the living statement as me. Self-forgiveness in application and this will not be established over night as I realized.
I also observe that within the gentleness and being directive at the same time I don’t need to raise my voice or become angry as a respond, I’m clear in my expression and when needed I firmly speak the words but there is no need to ‘use’ my voice as an indicator of my intentions.
That’s another point, which I observed within that I raise my voice when being with the little ones and it’s absolutely not necessary.
To let Mo in so to speak I saw that being together with him must be the same as in being equal to him to enjoy doing what he’s doing like riding his motor bike and me sitting on the back.
Not that I really particularly enjoy riding the motorbike but to spend time with him doing something he’s enjoying and to be together when doing so. Just as with the girls doing things they enjoy doing giving them ‘space’ to do so. And within this it doesn’t matter whether I enjoy doing so because actually I do not really know what I like doing-lol
31/03/2008 19:38:21 ‹Bruce L.› that’s the mother-matrix manifestation – where the parent/mother – tries to carry the burden of the child’s life within them – holding onto the child through fear – this presented as the illusion of protection and responsibility for another
File Allocation Tables
FAT files are use to allocate information –thus–either it is specific in design–or it is coincidental–thus you do not know where it comes from
if the latter–self forgiveness and a thorough investigation of the patterns/parents that exist as your unfolding nature and experience required