2009 The Actuality of ‘Me’ During Domestic Fights- Arguing for my Limitation

Ok

Back to the actuality

He ‘snapped’ because me not willingly to get back to get the girls shoes.

I couldn’t breathe through it.

This wall I couldn’t ‘take’ in.

I was tempted to speak words of irritation instead of just taking it in as I do with the kids, with the little ones I do not ‘move’ in and as the mind but take it in and then there is silence. The hole in the moment me being whole and in this all self-definitions do not exist.

I didn’t I was tempted to speak, to participate without any self direction. Because I couldn’t stand the ‘wall’ I was facing, this particular experience of myself. Ok- Lets break it down!

This experience is of utter and complete exhaustion me talking to a ‘wall’ and this experience of self is something I don’t want to experience. Instead of remaining here in and as the breath I fall ok I will not be defined by failure.

First point:

I was ‘tired’ of this experience of self: Oh,- no here we go again! Same old shit, how many times have we’ve been here on this same route same path. I know where this is going to lead me! A whole day, or more days with putting up with ‘getting the cold shoulder’. No I don’t want that–>fighting it.

SF:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of this wall he’s presenting to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience to hard to bear within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight against myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape this experience of myself by removing him from my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I wasn’t able to remain here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I when I realized that he was still giving me the cold shoulder that I said get out of the car instead of not participating.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stay here within and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck this transcendence point up because I didn’t allowed myself to stay here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted by reason, arguing to fix the situation through talking ‘empty’ words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as arrogance believing that I can ‘fix’ events that I’m walking through reasoning and arguing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitation despise that I already have proven to myself that the only thing that is self directive is breath staying here as it, to live it to be it in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be tempted by words to fix myself, my world this reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that in this attempt I’m hiding my fear for what I really experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to walk through the outflow of his behavior and the way I specifically experience myself when he’s giving me the cold shoulder.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know where this path is leading to, him not speaking to me for days and me trying to fix it through reason and arguments instead of remaining here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate this experience of myself when he’s doing this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at all cost want to avoid this experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk away and deny this experience of myself and therefore try to fix it through arguments and reasoning while I know that this only makes things ‘worse’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience of myself to intense to bare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find myself in the exact same experience of self as when being with the kids and being possessed by and as anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the actual experience of myself that of  RAGE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing myself within this rage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be FURIOUS when someone/M is doing/acting this out this onto me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be treated this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to HATE it when someone is shutting of all communication with me I find it UNFAIR.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and without any means to stand up against this UNFAIRNESS and the RAGE inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so frustrated and so angry because of the perceived unfairness of someone shutting down all communication with me.

2009 Embracing enough of Waiting

Friday 24 July 2009

Suffering, sadness, not being able to direct this in any way other then breathing.

The sadness and the trauma I experiencing is compounding extensively.

I already saw it coming: me jumping up and down waiting for him to be ready to have a few days together and then when we finally did managed to set a date to spend some time, he deliberately sabotaged the whole thing. Calling it of by deliberately being dishonest by deliberately manipulating me, by saying “I’m sick I don’t feel good” and this and that.

I walked away I left him alone when I sat outside the only thing I could do was breathing, taking it all in unconditionally as me as the children do, no judgements, no expectations, I wasn’t even crying the tears were just rolling down.
The only thing I could do is to unconditionally hold him as me and to unconditionally let it go within and as every out breath.

I stabilized

And then, fuck again this sadness that I can’t shake of.

The words that kept on repeating in my head were unconditional forgiveness and letting go like the children do unconditionally embrace him as me.

I became sad when I saw the deliberate act of spite towards me, the deliberate acts of manipulation, the lies and the twist and the turns.

Always immediately responding within and as defence

The moans as reactions about everything that is questioning his world and his reality to deliberately avoid me not able to look into my eyes, to always and in all ways run from me and the simple thing I asked him to participate with me to open up and to reveal the truth and the hidden stuff within.

To sit with me, together with me to sit down with me.

Its just too much for him I can’t even get to the point of him being able to do so, its fucking disheartening to see and experience this and then the only thing I see is FUCK this is what I have become this is the manifested outflow of my allowances, that this has gone so far, we are FUCKERS and really nothing is fucking real.

I have to sit with me and forgive him unconditionally as me to hold him as me in every breathe I take, I see that there is no other thing left to do.

All has ‘failed’

I suggest that no one goes this far as I have walked this, in the fucked up mess of this reality. I begin to realize why this specific point has been pointed out to me, because within this realization you better make sure that you will never fall in this atrocity again. It’s a fucking disgrace and completely unacceptable.

And this ends here

I actually am seeing that I don’t have to share self forgiveness with him but to hold him as me and then who fucking knows what will step forward.
I had enough I’m done.
I’m done fighting.
I’m done resisting.
I’m done with the ways the old ways, the ways I call me or my own.
I’m embracing me all of me all refractions of me which includes all that is struggling inside.
The spite
The hatred
The remorse
The feelings of revenge
The feelings of I will get back to you
Etc..
This endless game of balance

It’s an infinite game with only ‘losers’, we will all ‘loose’.

I stop I need to stop
That’s the only way
I stop for him as me I embrace him as me all refractions of me as him.
It’s done

No more trauma or suffering common sense lived as the living statement of me in every moment not trough trauma noir pain or suffering but to live and be the statement of commons sense as the only thing that is valid as life where we are all equal.

This stops here!
The children have shown me what unconditional embracement in application is now I WILL myself to walk this as the living statement of who I am as life were all life is equally honoured.

What is self forgiveness in practical application? To unconditionally hold all beings a me not as a something out there a phrase I can refer to, no its in the walking, to live and walk and embrace the beings in my world as me to stop all unnecessary bs and suffering inside as within as without.

BREATH!
I’M DONE!
Fighting

I embrace everything unconditionally as me HERE and then the fun can begin-lol
I embrace all as me HERE unconditionally as me all refractions of me HERE as me

I’m done fighting it makes me old it kills me and all other me’s, I will loose, all will loose eventually when I’m allowing this fighting bs to happen over and over again, instead of just taking all in as me embrace all unconditionally as me

And you know what? I always thought of a hallelujah moment when this would happen and nothing really happened! I do this for Self and Self only. I’m fucking done, reacting as a puppet on a string with all fucking bs inside going up and down

I AM THE DIRECTIVE PRINCIPLE OF ME