2009 Self ForGIVEness on Self-Definition point Sadness


SF on Self-definition point Sadness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself through and as sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the experience of sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that when I feel sadness I belief that this is whom I really am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that whenever I feel deep sadness I’m not able to embrace this sadness as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I haven’t allowed myself to embrace this sadness as me unconditionally here as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I’ve judge sadness within my self and within others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that sadness and the experience of sadness is definite as a fact, which I’m not able to push beyond.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live this sadness in fact as whom I have become

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to gave up because of sadness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be sad because of the life I lived.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to never had the ways to stand up from this sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief that sadness is something you cant stand up from because its your nature of who you are inside.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define sadness as real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that sadness is who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by sadness as a state of mind, my being, the law of me which dictates me to define me as who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to investigate this sadness within me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness when I have clarity but not the ways to change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness when I must live “This is just the way it is, it was and will be ” instead of living the solution: embracing sadness unconditionally as me here.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to embrace sadness unconditionally as me and within this walk the self forgiveness in and as the living expression of me here.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be grateful for this experience of sadness as another point to be faced and to be walked and to be embraced.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to self realize how I’m living this sadness in fact and hereby abdicating and limiting myself in a self-definition point as sadness.

I see that I’m not sadness

I see that I limit myself through this self-definition point inherited by my mother.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as timelines as sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in time lines and dimensional shifts

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in – and relive the past

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept that I never stood up from this.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as being sad

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be sad because I perceive my biological mother as sad because of the life she has lived.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief that I must have inherit this sadness of her its my base program, on my DNA, to end up in and as sadness as she has ended up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I resemble her so much.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see that I suppressed this within myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept of myself that I never allowed myself to look beyond this point of sadness.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that all mothers are sad in nature because of the fuck up they’re creating.

Family construct

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always feel this sad when being a child and growing up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always experience myself like this when being with my parents.

I’m currently at a campground with may kids and thus families and I see children here and I see all different ages here and I see the utter a complete helplessness within children as well. And I feel like this child again I remember this feeling very well it all comes back to me this feeling of being in this world and the RAGE, FURY and ANGER and than Sadness.

Cool, its opening up to me!

And this has to stop we have to stop this cycle of abuse NO Child in this world must LIVE in the world and how it currently exist because the world is NO place for children other wise we wouldn’t grow ‘old’, that’s common sense.
In a world where we all destroy the purest expression we should stop reproducing ourselves at this stage until we’re All equal and one. Obviously I must stop and stop to end the cycle of abuse common sense dictates this.

2009 Embracing enough of Waiting

Friday 24 July 2009

Suffering, sadness, not being able to direct this in any way other then breathing.

The sadness and the trauma I experiencing is compounding extensively.

I already saw it coming: me jumping up and down waiting for him to be ready to have a few days together and then when we finally did managed to set a date to spend some time, he deliberately sabotaged the whole thing. Calling it of by deliberately being dishonest by deliberately manipulating me, by saying “I’m sick I don’t feel good” and this and that.

I walked away I left him alone when I sat outside the only thing I could do was breathing, taking it all in unconditionally as me as the children do, no judgements, no expectations, I wasn’t even crying the tears were just rolling down.
The only thing I could do is to unconditionally hold him as me and to unconditionally let it go within and as every out breath.

I stabilized

And then, fuck again this sadness that I can’t shake of.

The words that kept on repeating in my head were unconditional forgiveness and letting go like the children do unconditionally embrace him as me.

I became sad when I saw the deliberate act of spite towards me, the deliberate acts of manipulation, the lies and the twist and the turns.

Always immediately responding within and as defence

The moans as reactions about everything that is questioning his world and his reality to deliberately avoid me not able to look into my eyes, to always and in all ways run from me and the simple thing I asked him to participate with me to open up and to reveal the truth and the hidden stuff within.

To sit with me, together with me to sit down with me.

Its just too much for him I can’t even get to the point of him being able to do so, its fucking disheartening to see and experience this and then the only thing I see is FUCK this is what I have become this is the manifested outflow of my allowances, that this has gone so far, we are FUCKERS and really nothing is fucking real.

I have to sit with me and forgive him unconditionally as me to hold him as me in every breathe I take, I see that there is no other thing left to do.

All has ‘failed’

I suggest that no one goes this far as I have walked this, in the fucked up mess of this reality. I begin to realize why this specific point has been pointed out to me, because within this realization you better make sure that you will never fall in this atrocity again. It’s a fucking disgrace and completely unacceptable.

And this ends here

I actually am seeing that I don’t have to share self forgiveness with him but to hold him as me and then who fucking knows what will step forward.
I had enough I’m done.
I’m done fighting.
I’m done resisting.
I’m done with the ways the old ways, the ways I call me or my own.
I’m embracing me all of me all refractions of me which includes all that is struggling inside.
The spite
The hatred
The remorse
The feelings of revenge
The feelings of I will get back to you
Etc..
This endless game of balance

It’s an infinite game with only ‘losers’, we will all ‘loose’.

I stop I need to stop
That’s the only way
I stop for him as me I embrace him as me all refractions of me as him.
It’s done

No more trauma or suffering common sense lived as the living statement of me in every moment not trough trauma noir pain or suffering but to live and be the statement of commons sense as the only thing that is valid as life where we are all equal.

This stops here!
The children have shown me what unconditional embracement in application is now I WILL myself to walk this as the living statement of who I am as life were all life is equally honoured.

What is self forgiveness in practical application? To unconditionally hold all beings a me not as a something out there a phrase I can refer to, no its in the walking, to live and walk and embrace the beings in my world as me to stop all unnecessary bs and suffering inside as within as without.

BREATH!
I’M DONE!
Fighting

I embrace everything unconditionally as me HERE and then the fun can begin-lol
I embrace all as me HERE unconditionally as me all refractions of me HERE as me

I’m done fighting it makes me old it kills me and all other me’s, I will loose, all will loose eventually when I’m allowing this fighting bs to happen over and over again, instead of just taking all in as me embrace all unconditionally as me

And you know what? I always thought of a hallelujah moment when this would happen and nothing really happened! I do this for Self and Self only. I’m fucking done, reacting as a puppet on a string with all fucking bs inside going up and down

I AM THE DIRECTIVE PRINCIPLE OF ME