2009 The Actuality of ‘Me’ During Domestic Fights- Arguing for my Limitation

Ok

Back to the actuality

He ‘snapped’ because me not willingly to get back to get the girls shoes.

I couldn’t breathe through it.

This wall I couldn’t ‘take’ in.

I was tempted to speak words of irritation instead of just taking it in as I do with the kids, with the little ones I do not ‘move’ in and as the mind but take it in and then there is silence. The hole in the moment me being whole and in this all self-definitions do not exist.

I didn’t I was tempted to speak, to participate without any self direction. Because I couldn’t stand the ‘wall’ I was facing, this particular experience of myself. Ok- Lets break it down!

This experience is of utter and complete exhaustion me talking to a ‘wall’ and this experience of self is something I don’t want to experience. Instead of remaining here in and as the breath I fall ok I will not be defined by failure.

First point:

I was ‘tired’ of this experience of self: Oh,- no here we go again! Same old shit, how many times have we’ve been here on this same route same path. I know where this is going to lead me! A whole day, or more days with putting up with ‘getting the cold shoulder’. No I don’t want that–>fighting it.

SF:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of this wall he’s presenting to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience to hard to bear within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight against myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape this experience of myself by removing him from my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I wasn’t able to remain here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I when I realized that he was still giving me the cold shoulder that I said get out of the car instead of not participating.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stay here within and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck this transcendence point up because I didn’t allowed myself to stay here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted by reason, arguing to fix the situation through talking ‘empty’ words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as arrogance believing that I can ‘fix’ events that I’m walking through reasoning and arguing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitation despise that I already have proven to myself that the only thing that is self directive is breath staying here as it, to live it to be it in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be tempted by words to fix myself, my world this reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that in this attempt I’m hiding my fear for what I really experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to walk through the outflow of his behavior and the way I specifically experience myself when he’s giving me the cold shoulder.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know where this path is leading to, him not speaking to me for days and me trying to fix it through reason and arguments instead of remaining here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate this experience of myself when he’s doing this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at all cost want to avoid this experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk away and deny this experience of myself and therefore try to fix it through arguments and reasoning while I know that this only makes things ‘worse’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience of myself to intense to bare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find myself in the exact same experience of self as when being with the kids and being possessed by and as anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the actual experience of myself that of  RAGE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing myself within this rage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be FURIOUS when someone/M is doing/acting this out this onto me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be treated this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to HATE it when someone is shutting of all communication with me I find it UNFAIR.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and without any means to stand up against this UNFAIRNESS and the RAGE inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so frustrated and so angry because of the perceived unfairness of someone shutting down all communication with me.

2009 Sharing Self Forgiveness Face to Face


So, Yes it was intense and emotional this was the second time we shared SF together and we were scared as hell.
Ok so we pushed ourselves beyond this limitation of being scared.
I noticed a slight change within myself whenever I wanted to wallow in emotions I stop slowed myself down and walked again.

Even when the mind so to speak doesn’t want to go further and resist so much then I realize ok this is it, this resistance I have to embrace exactly this point and embrace it, breath! Only the breath is pulling me through.

So I noticed that whenever I want to give in, into emotions and Blame as a manifested construct a wall of resistance I managed to breathe through this massive wall and remain here as breath. I walk/stumble upon the exact same wall- I recognise so well from my youth- when being with my father.

I realize that nothing will get me through really nothing then being here in and as the breath not as an ATTEMPT of trying to archive anything but as the living expression as me.

And I must say it’s a release. I’m done fighting this particular point and specifically fighting this within myself.

It’s not ‘easy’ to sit down together to take him and hold him as me, but I do the same as I do with the little ones hold him as me and to see that he’s truly me all the refractions that hurt so much inside is only me refusing to embrace me here.

I noticed that I was gentle yet firm and standing with and as him and pushed it till the ultimate in which was possible in the moment until we get to the next forgiveness round so to speak, I didn’t had a plan and I pushed what ever presented itself in the moment.

So that was cool but I’m not yet done I’m done when its done. Simple

Another point that I observed is that actually holding another is the most simple thing that is here to do its effortless and ones you breath through all the resistance its effortless and you can actually see why and how you made all the fuzz to hold on to self definitions, ideas of self and to defend them at any cost regardless of all and everything.

I have to embrace that M is where he’s at this stage this doesn’t imply that I accept it I embrace it as me and walk with him as me.
There is nothing what I can do at this stage other than breath and embrace all refractions of me ‘out there’ unconditionally as me to take them ‘in’ as me.

At a certain point when voicing self-forgiveness fear came up when we’re looking each other in the eyes, and I took it in as me simple effortless. This doesn’t mean that it’s lalalala land over here, we shared self forgiveness and I realize that I have to walk it in every moment of breath to be and become and live this as the living expression of me as the living statement as me. Self-forgiveness in application and this will not be established over night as I realized.

I also observe that within the gentleness and being directive at the same time I don’t need to raise my voice or become angry as a respond, I’m clear in my expression and when needed I firmly speak the words but there is no need to ‘use’ my voice as an indicator of my intentions.

That’s another point, which I observed within that I raise my voice when being with the little ones and it’s absolutely not necessary.
To let Mo in so to speak I saw that being together with him must be the same as in being equal to him to enjoy doing what he’s doing like riding his motor bike and me sitting on the back.

Not that I really particularly enjoy riding the motorbike but to spend time with him doing something he’s enjoying and to be together when doing so. Just as with the girls doing things they enjoy doing giving them ‘space’ to do so. And within this it doesn’t matter whether I enjoy doing so because actually I do not really know what I like doing-lol