2011 The Era of Eros-Desire as Addiction

I Perceive and experience Sweetness as the point of self nurturing through a construct within the structure. I ‘lose’ myself within this specific experience as perceived sweetness.

This point is automated as me I did not yet walked this point into clarity it has multiple dimensions/layers to it.

When shopping yesterday I observed how I was automatically drifting off through projecting automated wants/needs/desires for a relationship. This is part of desiring a relationship being automated and addicted to participate within these projections, pertaining wants, needs, fantasies, projections and what not.

How is it being ignited? Among things Through walking in my world/reality automatically locking into pictures, graphics, symbols and from there automatically spiral into a mind construct of desire or more accurately a possession of mind.

So I actually start becoming aware of how I now utilise pictures, graphics, symbols to ignite wants and needs and so on to generate energy – something to participate within. It could actually have been anything. Yet at this stage most prominently is desire.

I ‘enjoy’ experiencing myself as such, I am addicted to this perceived experience of myself. I have given it high value and importance to experience myself within this perceived experience of self. I’m addicted to it a junk, actually nothing beats this experience- not sex; masturbation nor drugs. It’s within this allowance and drifting off to projections of me ‘there’, because it pertains hope and a future that will never be lived.

The whole construct and me participation within it is irrational and I use reason, logic to justify my participation and thus not acceptable. I can’t accept not to trust myself within this point. I didn’t yet opened this point up and I will through writing and walking it, to get to the nitty- gritty of it, all cards on the table.

Getting to know me, before I am off to ‘someone’ out ‘there’ again to distract myself from what is real.

I don’t give a fuck about another person within the above construct because I want what I want and the person is only placed within this position to keep the construct in place. Even when one is in a relationship one is exercising within it- someone out ‘there’ to dream about, to linger for to drift off to projections and shit like that.

So its not even to be off to someone again – the other doesn’t even exist that person only exist within my head. Actually only within a closed boxed where I then locked into, all of me contained within a box of projections,fantasies, ideas and so on.

The thing is I didn’t yet consider nor saw all implications of my individual participation and how this is the fore stage/fore play of ending up married with children, and isn’t this exactly what we are all from a very early age desire? To end up with someone either looking for an ultimate sexual experience or what ever we make up within our irrational reasoning to chase who ever we want what ever we want whenever we want no matter the consequences of our actions.

Dangerous shit when you don’t know where you are dealing with and not know who you are within it what you do, and really completely unnecessary!

This is how we bring children into being.

This starting point is fucked up and we must change and de-engineer ourselves, no parent wants to bring this about yet we’re all living it into being by simple participating within the ‘smallest’ point of desiring to be with someone.

Desire should be on the list of mental disorders – those who ‘suffer’ from such mental disorder cant be trusted with Life.

I can tell cause I have been such person myself the thing is that whether the world is burning or not you actually don’t give a fuck because you are trapped within the Era of Eros and grateful for what actually? That you found what actually? That you are married with children and now what? That you have sex on a regular basis, that you have a steady relationship?  I mean WTF, how many people ‘cheat’ on their partner? how many people leave their partner to get something ‘better’ in return. I mean that in itself should already show how fucked up this chase for such perceived experience is. To desire such a thing because in actuality  it doesn’t exist it only exist within ones head and the rawness of the physical reality will never meet that whats inside your head and you will freaking fucking never be satisfied because within the Eara of Eros such a point doesn’t exist within the physical reality.Thats the factuality of it.

Time to get Real:

Show the way to be the way and live the way into being for the children and the children yet to come

http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

2010 walking through a decision

1 May

19:29:10)resonances: Jozien – M, is still a “undefined / undecided point” within your world/reality – meaning, he’s a point that’s there, because you haven’t made an actual clear decision with regards to how/where you “want him” in your world/reality, so to speak – this is shown within that fact that, you’re still compromising in accepting and allowing yourself to allow him to make certain decisions that you feel uncomfortable towards, but you’ll “follow it” – to ‘keep him’ in your reality/world and also within that fact that – there is no clear stipulation between the two of you with regards to where you stand with each other. Thus – Jozien – you require making a definitive decision with regards to how to direct your reality/yourself in relation to him – instead of “keeping him in your world” because of fear of making an actual decision in placing him and yourself exactly within a specific point. Jozien – with regards to M, you require making a decision, assess you, your world, the children and him equally – write-down decisions and then “play them out” within yourself or on paper, with regards to how you see it manifesting within reality, and your fears within it – apply self forgiveness especially in relation to the fears, to ensure the fears don’t make the decision – but that you have within taking everything into consideration equally. Self-Honesty Jozien. Thus – when you “see you in him” utilize the opportunity of self-corrective action, immediately – you have a direct-mirror of yourself, if you stand in those pionts – you can direct him as you, but first – you have to apply yourself into and as self-corrective action.

SF
fear of making a decision
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making a dishonest decision from the starting point of fear making a decision
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision that I will never be able to correct again
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to get stuck in a decision that I will regret later.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision without realising that I already made a decision by not making one.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not have willed myself to make a decision.

Core point
Fear making the wrong decision and by this not making a decision which is also a decision
Fear of making a decision I will regret
Fear of doing something which I cant never correct again
Making a decisions – not making one is also making one
The thought: “I must make a decision” locks oneself into a construct –from directing myself in every moment from a self-honest starting point, its similar to the why instead of the how in essence the same.
Making a decision is the end point of a sequence
“Making a decision” towards something or someone will step forth while directing myself in self honesty

Self corrective statements:
I Direct self from the starting point of self honesty self directing self is a living not stagnant expression self walks into a living expression of self and then the outcome steps forth self directed as self honest expression and a ‘decision’ will unfold naturally. Simple, effortless
(in the understanding that words, actions/deeds of another being are not separated from me and within my ability of directing the other as me.)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to post phone looking into specificity into our relationship regards the way we are living together
I actually disregarded it as not a valid point within my world – yes I see how I did this If I don’t pay attention to it – it doesn’t exist type of thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded the point money and how I placed myself into specificity within this point within my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded the whole within my placement as such and only took parts of it into consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not haven all the points within the point of money and my specific placement within it to a point of equally questioning my reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not equally questioned all the points within the point of money within my reality and how I‘ve placed myself within my world.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have ‘overlooked’ this point within my world/my reality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed this point within my world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have disregarded preparing the way before me through writing the self-corrective actions before me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself when M is around and thus are disregarding me and the kids equally within this
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have not taken everything into consideration equally here as me but instead separated me from the little ones and m equally.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ‘exist’ when M is around
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately ignored feelings of being uncomfortable with his actions

Core point:
Postponing and procrastinating looking and questioning my reality into specificity from the starting point of self honesty MUST always be FLAGPOINTED. It is putting yourself on hold. Will it magically go away when I exercise putting points on hold? Its self deception its self dishonesty

Self corrective statements:
I allow myself to question everything within myself in the understanding that resisting and putting points ‘on hold’, is holding onto information=energy in my reality its not serving all so in this understanding I let it go and act immediately when a unanswered question arises.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to avoid conflict when I see a point between us that I am uncomfortable with
I forgive myself that I ‘ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when his respond is like an energetic wall of resistance where I am not able to direct myself and thus prefer to compromise myself instead of directing myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself when I do not direct myself towards his actions, words, decisions and therefore not taking myself into consideration but always submit to the feeing of ‘safety’ towards us
I forgive myself that I ‘ve been accepting and allowing myself to withdraw when I have the opportunity to direct him and thus myself equally here as me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to equalise me with his words and deeds and therefore accepted and allowed myself to stand one and equal to his dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by not directing myself and in actuality are supporting him within his dishonesties towards himself and thus towards me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief that I took this point on but in actuality I used this idea as an justification for not directing me within preparing the way before me through writing and scripting the self corrective actions.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this idea of me taking this point on within my world/reality by thinking that by believing it was enough to change me and thus us.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from m and the kids equally to the compromise I allowed within me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always play on safe while it comes to m and his decisions to avoid conflict thus submit to feelings being unable to direct me within it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by always being there for him when he needs to talk or needs support not realising that this is a one way support and that I give permission for him to do so.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to listen to him whenever he feels like it b/c I don’t want to hurt him or loose the opportunity to communicate with him
Ok this is that I take every opportunity when he’s opening up but that’s actually only when he is in need of talking so he’s directing it and not me meaning that I don’t direct me communicating with him but wait for him
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to compromise my self-direction through waiting for him when he opens up to me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have excluded M from my life and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stand one and equal as the decision to always do what’s best for all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of security
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of safety
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of stability
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself to remain within self-definitions of money, by keeping M in my world.

Core point
Not directing self and thus compromising oneself

Self corrective statements
What comes before compromising self
The opportunity to see me in him, the opportunity to direct myself in self honesty when a moment arises to direct/correct myself immediately within the moment of participating and become the correction in action while participating.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear living in a world where M will not be around
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being without money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being a single mother
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear doing the wrong thing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to sustain myself and provide for an income for the kids and me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the financial comfortably I’m currently living
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being without money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear M’s future relationships with other women
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my children to a strange woman is his future live
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear living my live without my children

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the house I am living in
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing all ‘I have’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the comfort ability of my current life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing companionship

Core point
Future projections
Loosing definitions of self
This all interlocks with other definitions I am holding towards m and money
So to remove one building block of the chain I stop the chain from repeating itself over and over again

Self corrective statements:
Fearing the future and possible outcomes can only exist within my mind – by directing myself in every moment to walk into manifesting a life that serves all I stay grounded to what is real and the outflow will step forth while I am walking into and as the self corrective actions. Then the future will be here in every breath while creating it within the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see m as the money provider
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have made m into the security point of money
So within this I can’t never stand one and equal to him b/c he symbolise the money provider within my world.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my children when m=money will not be in my world

Core point
M representing the money point within my world – totally unacceptable.
I constructed it this way b/c I live through definitions/symbols and place them accordingly in my world regardless and without consideration off the being within that placement. Unacceptable

Self corrective statements:
M is a being that is in process like everyone else – although he doesn’t walk it from the perspective as I walk it applying the tools given to me/us.
I embrace all of him equally as me and direct myself in self honesty in the consideration that he isn’t yet/always able to see what I see or have realised myself. In this understanding I walk and won’t accept anything less from him then I accept within myself in the understanding that I can only stand one and equal with what I accept and allow and agree to stand one and equal with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear directing myself as him in this point
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear going all the way

Core point
Fear of being directive principle as life as the expression of myself within the best interest of all
Fear of showing to myself proving it to me that I can really do it and be it live it without holding back no matter what.

Self corrective statements :
Self correction being directive principle from the starting point of self honesty, I allow myself to direct myself when I ‘see’ myself within others and thus have the opportunity to direct myself.
I take this opportunity as a gift to ground myself in as self direction in every participation with others until I am self directive in fact.
I allow myself to stand within the understanding that what we have become wont be solved through accepting excuses from others as me.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my children when I am not able to provide for them and me financially
Which in essence happens to my birth- mother b/c she wasn’t able to sustain for us so she placed me for adoption
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to change the way I placed myself within my world/reality and thus the placement of m within my world
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear ending up in the exact same placement as my birth mother without realizing that I already manifested this placement of myself as such.

Core point:
fear/preprogrammed inherent fear from my birth mother
fear of loosing money that has placed unto another person

Self corrective statements:
I enable self to correct the preprogrammed nature of myself and prepare the way before me by scripting myself into a placement of myself that will benefit all in this I release the money point of dependency on another and place myself as the authority of my placement
Flagpoint: whenever I tend to go into irrational fears regards my current placement I immediately correct myself by breathing and sf and I let it go and prepare the way before me

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and therefore compromise myself towards m and how I placed him within my reality
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself instead of scripting the corrective actions in front of me so that I am able to walk the self corrective action into a living application.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I cant change myself
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I will be stuck in this point forever which will be the case if I don’t change myself into a living correction of myself within the placement of myself in my world/reality
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself to an alignment that serves all because then I need to give up the belief I hold of the placement of myself within my reality and therefore need to give up feeling safe, comfortable within the current placement of M within it.

Core point
Placement of self
Placement of self within my reality/world has been deliberately done in order to have the money point in place .

Self corrective statements:
Placement of self can be corrected into alignment with what serves all- placement of self within in the structure is not serving me thus not serving all.
I will myself so align myself with life and place myself in an assisting supporting placement of self.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear going to search for a job
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to find a job
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able stand financially on my own
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to stand within this point
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fuck up again
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will make the same mistakes over and over again.

Ok this is self trust and fear of falling
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cant trust myself while preparing the way before me
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear falling in this point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to self correct myself b/c I never lived this self correction yet in fact within this specific placement of myself.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to stand within a job and will look for an easy way out again
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not enjoying the job I will find
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not having enough time to spend with my children.

Core point:
future projections of finding a job
Self corrective statements:
More on this later

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have justified staying with M b/c of the placement of him within my world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact when I am not directing myself within being together with him in alignment with what serves all I already sealed myself in failure and separation because from this starting-point we will never be equalised participants.

Core point:
giving up on self
will continue later

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel safe when everything remains as it is within my world and the placement of m within my world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created a relation where my first priority is that he’s supported from the perspective of my Status quo of ‘safety’

Safety:
Safe I feel safe within the current placement of m and myself in my world/reality
Which is a fuck up b/c how can I ever take M the being into consideration when I equalize him to a defintions of safety=money

Self corrective statements:
Safety is not within placements of people or things and what they represent as such.
I am save when I walk always in the best interest of all – then safety is when all beings are save when I walk this into a manifested reality then safety can be real for all. I am safe while walking this into a manifested physical expression of myself.

Comfortable
Its comfortable within this placement of him within my world/reality b/c I don’t challenge the definition of feeling comfortable at all and its not serving me and thus not all when I equalize the word comfort and the experience/self defintions thereof to money

Comfort
I am comfortable when I walk this path of manifesting a physical reality where all can be in a state of physical ease and freedom, free from pain or constraint.

Security
I feel secure when I am within this placement of us. So security can never been lived as a living expression of self while I align it to m=money=security.
How can I feel secure when others are subject of threat, attack- that’s not real
Security based on money is the flat-liner of self movement b/c now one never allows oneself to question ones reality
After testing if I have been specific enough:
‘Garantie’
So I only feel secure when I have a guarantee that money will be guaranteed and I will place it like that accordingly and used M for it. So security equals having money.
Geez pretty nasty stuff
Ok let it go
A Guarantee you get when you buy something to make sure that what you purchased is of a certain quality and that you get “waar voor je geld.”
So the placement of M is the quarantee in order to feel secure although I have to compromise myself to remain within this placement b/c I fear loosing it.
Hmm still not clear yet

Self corrective statements
Security can only be lived when I walk into the solution, manifesting an physical reality where non will ever be subject to threat, attack when all are secure I am secure then security is real

Stability
I experience a sense of stability within this placement. M=money=stability within myself.
Money=survival
Survival is not stability

Stability is to place myself in an effective and supportive placement where I walk into manifesting practical solutions into a living expression of who I am as the stand I’m making. Being stable is being whole within the understanding that all flows through me as me and in all I am one and stability steps forth from this understanding, then stability will manifest and steps forth from walking into a manifested solution that what serves all.

Money is required in this world to survive – to be practical about it.
I need to make money, I am in this world so I need to work with what is here in this world and walk through the allowed and accepted manifested consequence thereof to stand as it and at the same time utilize it to bring forth and manifest a equal change for all within the best interest of all.
So from this perspective I support and assist myself to make money and be practical about the point money. It doesn’t hold any other definition then what I script for myself into a corrective action,to an expression that serves all.

Afer testing through which point I haven’t been specific enough:
Security
I feel secure when I am within this placement of us. So security can never been lived as a living expression of self while I align it to m=money=security.
How can I feel secure when others are subject of threat, attack- that’s not real
Security based on money is the flat-liner of self movement b/c now one never allows oneself to question ones reality
Tested out this specific word:
‘Garantie’
So I only feel secure when I have a guarantee that money will be guaranteed and I will place it like that accordingly, Mo within the placement it. So security equals having money.
Pretty nasty stuff
A guarantee you get when you buy something to make sure that what you purchased is of a certain quality and that you get “waar voor je geld.”
So the placement of M within my world is the quarantee in order to feel secure although I have to compromise myself to remain within this placement b/c I fear loosing it.

09/05/10
Health &Compromise
How and why do I always give in when M brings the point in of health issues, being depressed?

So who is fooling who?
Who is controlling whom?
Who is directive principle here?

And for what and whom are you compromising to?
The fear of not taking him into consideration fear that you are making a mistake what’s at stake here? YOU and you alone and within this ALL
He’s deliberate in his deceit he sees and he excuses himself b/c of his health, which is valid point, but actually it isn’t. Why not? b/c he’s fooling himself.
He’s only wearing that thing during the night and during the day he wants to write about it, chuckle, chuckle bs
Why?
That’s a point of self-manipulation using this point again to use it to keep me off his back – to always make sure that he is in control that he doesn’t have to see how and what he has become in his very nature.
You see now -now you act
And yes the word health and what it triggers is a very ‘tricky’ point within you b/c that’s how you have been fooled and put aside and put on hold all your life that’s how your father manipulated you into compromising your self expression b/c you always had to be a guard first b/c of his emotional/mental state due to his depression and later on due to his physical status his heart attacks/hernia/etc. and then the circle was round. Him and his conditions was always first to consider and what he could take and handle seen his conditions and that was always a very convenient excuse to keep you out of his world. Out of his inner sphere out of zone of becoming intimate with him. He didn’t allow you or anyone else in and used his disease(s) as an excuse as a pardon that he wasn’t able to. When in fact he refused doing so he wasn’t even willing to let you in. That would have challenged everything of him and that he didn’t want to do.

You are looking here at the very same construct and you are compromising yourself, you allow yourself to compromise through the exact same construct- the exact same entry point HEALTH
Health has been programmed into you as something you may not touch may not even question in another
Same with your sister when she got into psychoses during your childhood
Fuck tears
I didn’t know that it was intertwined and so deeply programmed within me
I don’t excuse myself for compromising myself within this point – I was aware of it, but did not have clarity in any way
Illness is something I may not even question and when its is an excuse that one is bringing up while not able to participate with me I accept and agree on it b/c it has been programmed into me from early childhood.
Illness (whether physically or mentally) is a legitimate excuse and is not to be questioned ever again – the being is placed in that condition through life/a higher source/karma/god and is now subject to it and by this I have no right to question the excuse for leaving me out in the equation. So I accept it as a fact, which I am subject to.

Have my writings been sufficient about self-compromise related to health? Yes
Do I have to gather more information? No
SF –yes
SCS –yes

SF
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone is using the excuse of their physical health
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to excuse the other person when they have a physical or mental illness
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to have been programmed to not question the excuse in any way
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone tells me that he’s/she’s depressed
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone is bringing the point of health issues in as a legitimate excuse of not being able to taken into consideration
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to always give in when another being tells me that he/she isn’t able to cope with the situation b/c of health issues
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to always compromise myself b/c the other one cant help oneself through the illness one is suffering from
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that a being is subject to health issues through an outer force bigger then me and therefore I shouldn’t question the excuse of the being of not being able to ‘handle’ the situation
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to make myself subject to another ones health conditions and therefore make us both subject to the belief that’s just how it is
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that some ones health disempowered ones to take into account when being with me
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that some one health discharges them for being accountable for their behaviour
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when being with my father when he got depressed, and got serious health issues
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that when a being suffers form mental or physical health problems I am not entitled to ask the being anything b/c the health issue is always the main priority to take care of and therefore give in to thoughts as health issues are bigger then me.
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that a being is subject to heath problems and therefore
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I have no right to question a sick person behaviour b/c the person can not held accountable b/c the person has been placed in that position and didn’t asked for that position so I am not entitled to move myself in any way but compromise towards the health issue and excuse the person for his behaviour towards me b/c of the persons illness.
And therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always compromise myself within excusing the beings behaviour b/c the being cant held accountable for its behaviour due to illness and therefore I disempower the opportunity to direct myself within the beings behaviour and me equally.

Behaviour that got nothing to do with the illness is excused as an outflow of the illness and therefore not to be questioned in any way and therefore I accept and allow such behaviour in the being and within me equally and now agree on that excuse as being a valid excuse b/c the being cant be held accountable for its actions/words b/c of the authority of the illness.

Geez that has screwed me big time since I was a kid
First my father he got depressed to such an extend that he had severe therapy and had to quit his job he couldn’t function anymore I was 5 or 6
After this, mental illness became a the big thing within our home
Then my sister got into a psychoses she almost died it was hectic and intense I was 12 years old
Then we all got counselling and everything, conflicts, fights always something we could fix through counselling
Then my mother died and we labelled her :mentality ill she couldn’t been held accountable for her actions – so forget about it- it was common to say- we couldn’t do anything about it
What a fucking mess and always Health issues no one could been held accountable for themselves b/c we were all mentally or physically ill and we all need counselling for our mental health to get healthy thus sane thus accountable for oneself.
Such deception

Corrective statement:
I do not accept and allow myself to compromise myself to agree on: when ‘Health issues’ either mentally or physically will be brought up as an excuse for ones behaviour and therefore one is being excused/not accountable for ones actions/words/deeds.
I see the excuse: don’t count me in due to health issues I cant be held accountable –and agree on this excuse and thus compromising myself equally with them.
This is not serving me and therefore I let it go.
Whenever I tend to go into it by only hearing words such as HEALTH, ILLNESS, DEPRESSION I flag point it and I let it go.
Ok that’s it

Is this session done? Yes
is my sf sufficient? Yes

it tested out to integrate this into a mind construct on relationships

2009 Participation

Participation

Through participation in this world I have to change, it’s within the participation that I’m able to live the living words in as the physical

It’s within the participation that one must change from consciousness to awareness to become the practical living solution to walk the living words in this I realize that

it’s within participation with others where I am able to amalgamate with all other selves as me

It’s within the participation where one is able to live the corrective application it’s within the participation where the points that have to change become real as the actuality of me

Within the participation with others is where one can direct and correct ONE self immediately  in the moment

Awareness which is not yet lived as me is not valid from the perspective  that it hasn’t been lived yet as me it’s within participation  to become whole

It’s within the participation where I stand, walk, express, move as me one and equal with the participants ,the participation the whole of my being.

It’s within the participation that one is holding back clinging unto past events, knowledge and information..

It’s within the participation that I have to allow myself to be whole with the participants.

It’s within and as being part and being patient to allow myself to become  whole within and as the part that is presented to me

It’s within the part, parted from the whole that I become whole It’s within the participation that I let go of all that I know to hold on to but instead holding it as me, holding  me as the part that has parted to become whole

It’s within the participation that I take the ‘outer part’ of me and bring it home to become whole

It’s within the participation that I don’t part but give back to the whole which is me to let go of partaking of taking, parting

to let go of parting

I don’t take ‘I’ hold the part as me in until All parts are home again Whole again.

2009 The Actuality of ‘Me’ During Domestic Fights- Arguing for my Limitation

Ok

Back to the actuality

He ‘snapped’ because me not willingly to get back to get the girls shoes.

I couldn’t breathe through it.

This wall I couldn’t ‘take’ in.

I was tempted to speak words of irritation instead of just taking it in as I do with the kids, with the little ones I do not ‘move’ in and as the mind but take it in and then there is silence. The hole in the moment me being whole and in this all self-definitions do not exist.

I didn’t I was tempted to speak, to participate without any self direction. Because I couldn’t stand the ‘wall’ I was facing, this particular experience of myself. Ok- Lets break it down!

This experience is of utter and complete exhaustion me talking to a ‘wall’ and this experience of self is something I don’t want to experience. Instead of remaining here in and as the breath I fall ok I will not be defined by failure.

First point:

I was ‘tired’ of this experience of self: Oh,- no here we go again! Same old shit, how many times have we’ve been here on this same route same path. I know where this is going to lead me! A whole day, or more days with putting up with ‘getting the cold shoulder’. No I don’t want that–>fighting it.

SF:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of this wall he’s presenting to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience to hard to bear within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight against myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape this experience of myself by removing him from my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I wasn’t able to remain here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I when I realized that he was still giving me the cold shoulder that I said get out of the car instead of not participating.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stay here within and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck this transcendence point up because I didn’t allowed myself to stay here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be tempted by reason, arguing to fix the situation through talking ‘empty’ words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as arrogance believing that I can ‘fix’ events that I’m walking through reasoning and arguing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitation despise that I already have proven to myself that the only thing that is self directive is breath staying here as it, to live it to be it in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be tempted by words to fix myself, my world this reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that in this attempt I’m hiding my fear for what I really experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid the experience inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not wanting to walk through the outflow of his behavior and the way I specifically experience myself when he’s giving me the cold shoulder.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know where this path is leading to, him not speaking to me for days and me trying to fix it through reason and arguments instead of remaining here in and as the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate this experience of myself when he’s doing this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to at all cost want to avoid this experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk away and deny this experience of myself and therefore try to fix it through arguments and reasoning while I know that this only makes things ‘worse’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find this experience of myself to intense to bare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find myself in the exact same experience of self as when being with the kids and being possessed by and as anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the actual experience of myself that of  RAGE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing myself within this rage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be FURIOUS when someone/M is doing/acting this out this onto me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to be treated this way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to HATE it when someone is shutting of all communication with me I find it UNFAIR.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless and without any means to stand up against this UNFAIRNESS and the RAGE inside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so frustrated and so angry because of the perceived unfairness of someone shutting down all communication with me.

2009 Sharing Self Forgiveness Face to Face


So, Yes it was intense and emotional this was the second time we shared SF together and we were scared as hell.
Ok so we pushed ourselves beyond this limitation of being scared.
I noticed a slight change within myself whenever I wanted to wallow in emotions I stop slowed myself down and walked again.

Even when the mind so to speak doesn’t want to go further and resist so much then I realize ok this is it, this resistance I have to embrace exactly this point and embrace it, breath! Only the breath is pulling me through.

So I noticed that whenever I want to give in, into emotions and Blame as a manifested construct a wall of resistance I managed to breathe through this massive wall and remain here as breath. I walk/stumble upon the exact same wall- I recognise so well from my youth- when being with my father.

I realize that nothing will get me through really nothing then being here in and as the breath not as an ATTEMPT of trying to archive anything but as the living expression as me.

And I must say it’s a release. I’m done fighting this particular point and specifically fighting this within myself.

It’s not ‘easy’ to sit down together to take him and hold him as me, but I do the same as I do with the little ones hold him as me and to see that he’s truly me all the refractions that hurt so much inside is only me refusing to embrace me here.

I noticed that I was gentle yet firm and standing with and as him and pushed it till the ultimate in which was possible in the moment until we get to the next forgiveness round so to speak, I didn’t had a plan and I pushed what ever presented itself in the moment.

So that was cool but I’m not yet done I’m done when its done. Simple

Another point that I observed is that actually holding another is the most simple thing that is here to do its effortless and ones you breath through all the resistance its effortless and you can actually see why and how you made all the fuzz to hold on to self definitions, ideas of self and to defend them at any cost regardless of all and everything.

I have to embrace that M is where he’s at this stage this doesn’t imply that I accept it I embrace it as me and walk with him as me.
There is nothing what I can do at this stage other than breath and embrace all refractions of me ‘out there’ unconditionally as me to take them ‘in’ as me.

At a certain point when voicing self-forgiveness fear came up when we’re looking each other in the eyes, and I took it in as me simple effortless. This doesn’t mean that it’s lalalala land over here, we shared self forgiveness and I realize that I have to walk it in every moment of breath to be and become and live this as the living expression of me as the living statement as me. Self-forgiveness in application and this will not be established over night as I realized.

I also observe that within the gentleness and being directive at the same time I don’t need to raise my voice or become angry as a respond, I’m clear in my expression and when needed I firmly speak the words but there is no need to ‘use’ my voice as an indicator of my intentions.

That’s another point, which I observed within that I raise my voice when being with the little ones and it’s absolutely not necessary.
To let Mo in so to speak I saw that being together with him must be the same as in being equal to him to enjoy doing what he’s doing like riding his motor bike and me sitting on the back.

Not that I really particularly enjoy riding the motorbike but to spend time with him doing something he’s enjoying and to be together when doing so. Just as with the girls doing things they enjoy doing giving them ‘space’ to do so. And within this it doesn’t matter whether I enjoy doing so because actually I do not really know what I like doing-lol

2009 The Realm of Dead People


I realized that my mother was lost after she died and how I said to her” Fuck off” when she ‘came’ to me.
I was ‘feeling’ her within me, lost, she was so lost. She really didn’t know where she was at all I realize now. She was utterly lost when she died and that she was wandering in the dimensional plane not knowing where she was at all. And she kept keeping back to the ppl she know when she was still in the physical plane, she went to see her kids. And I said “Fuck Off” she actually didn’t understand that, so she left us alone.
I said to her to “Go Away, Leave me Alone” and I realize I just see now that she didn’t know where she was at, lost as we’re All lost.

I feel ashamed as I see know that I was lost too.

I remember telling this to my father and that he answered is this really necessary, why are you so cruel to her?
It was during my miscarriage that these things opened up to me, I could for the first time ‘communicate’ with the intangible world. Before I actually never wanted to have anything to do with a world I couldn’t see or touch and I was petrified off it as well. It was just a no-go-area also due to my early childhood experiences.
As a child I was petrified by demons my sister could ‘see’ them and I could ‘sense’ them.So I said as a child to never ever communicate with a world I couldn’t touch. I’m grateful to all that walked before us that have been preparing the way so the demons were able to purify themselves. No demon will ever do harm onto children anymore. I just know that this is an absolute, there are no demons as they existed to haunt us anymore.
I’ve seen and experienced how horrific it was. No more!

The ‘Spirit’ world. Someone pointed out to me that there exist a possibility that dead people could be lost as well. That there is no absolute certainty that things would be all fine when being dead, in the after Life.
I already saw this point but couldn’t really pin point it. I thought that those wandering after death where ‘lost’ souls and within this I wanted to make sure that this would never happen to me.

I was only interested in me, myself and I and my own comfort.