2010 Daily writings mostly on pain

Friday 24 September 2010

Ok I feel a bit better now and tomorrow I will be up and running again after 3 days bed and fever is quite ok – my back starts to hurt from lying down all the time.

So what comes up

I need to re-align the definition of pushing myself b/c I have seen/observed that I am still doing it  meaning pushing myself from a mind perspective.
so what is pushing oneself really all about?

First thing I see is must be from a self honest starting point, effortlessly when it actually becomes ‘difficult’ its already indicating that its pushing within the structure.

So a flag point here.

For example when I went for the weekend to see mike a friend of mine who doesn’t live near by it was in my weekend without the kids I didn’t really felt well due to my upcoming menstruation and I wanted to stay home yet I pushed myself going from the starting point of not wanting to disappoint him. So that’s always a dishonest starting point yet I also see a point behind that point is that I push myself for others instead of pushing self for myself as self.

So pushing myself has become something that I do to please others so that’s one dimension I clearly see. I call it: “I need to push myself” while in essence its just hiding for oneself. So I would say pushing oneself is a Flagpoint

Ok posting and commenting is something I must work on

Fault finding in myself doing it all wrong my  posts are  wrong being wrong etc.. what I see and how I say things is wrong it has become less yet it’s still there, very prominent. Also being administrator and when to ban and how it’s a cool exercise yet I can get very anxious of doing it right. Lol I actually never heard any of the others administrators about it. So it’s the point of taking responsibility and expand and explore on it which I find a bit scary) outside of the comfortzone) and enjoyable at the same time. I also feel honoured that I have been asked. uhum and was suprised as well like huh me? I am not in any way pushing myself being visual on teh internet yet I saw immediatley the opportunity to explore and expand on the responsibility point in public.

So  being afraid of doing it wrong- yet this has been with me and it became less yet its still sometimes here.And the only way to go is to push oneself in space and time to actually do it. So this is a real push for self, this in relation to investigate pushing in general as an expression of self!

So within one of the interviews B is explaining the placement of beings now in certain positions to proof and walk points in space and time,to give them a opportunity to walk within responsibility.

Still very prominent with me is seeing that ‘it’ is not real what I am living through the structure. Its all fake yet  I start seeing that waking up and walking this process is a continuously exploring and expansion of understanding and awareness. I thought I ‘knew’ yet I start to see now that expansion and exploration on self and existence and how consciousness is operating is ‘seemingly’ never ending. All I ever did was living through the structure of consciousnesss and that I really have to learn how to LIVE.

When watching Bernard’s interview and hearing that certain persons weren’t yet taking the responsibility they had to take and that this 2 year time loop is among things to make sure those that those that needs to stand as he said ‘vital players’ will actualise and take self-responsibility (that they had to take in the first place my words) – lol

I felt/feel that I was one of those person’s yet I also saw that this is what it is and that I didn’t took it on. I can get up with a lot of excuses yet they are excuses. And how I actually saw this constantly yet I wasn’t up to the task. I also realise that being an administrator such as Darryl and Bella has been doing for such a long time which i am freaking grateful for that this comes with responsibility and consistancy on a daily basis. And that I as a member took that for granted that always magically would be someone who is managing the forum. And that comes somehow with a feeling of guilt or more of a realisation of a system manifestation of giving things out of your hands. “Someone else will take care of it”  yet more as an accepted already manifested nature of oneself and actually not able to track down as such b/c one have become it and one is not questioning this within self in any way. So actually looking at the point of taking self responsibility.

So ignoring oneself and all that ‘lives’ making noise within all that is boiling up within. It is so accepted and allowed within what I have become that it takes balls and for me utter discipline to not take anything within me for granted b/c I can say from a knowledge point that those ‘things’ such as thoughts and emotions inside are placed there and thus not real yet when I continue finding it ‘normal’  the norm of my existence and accept it as something I do not investigate any further. I am excersising knownledge thus unaccepatble Not taking into consideration that i am the one that constructed it this way and i am the one that will myself to de-construct it. So I am the engenere now

As I write I feel my left wrist burning or to be more precise it’s all over my upper hand and wrist on the top side.

Also the energetic signature I am holding towards my post and then especially to the words “you decide” b/c I claim it as Bella’s. ‘Strangely’ enough I am holding this information as such as I am not allowed to use certain words or phrases in this world b/c I perceive others to have ownership over those words. Fascinating!

This also locks into mine and yours and ownership in general so that also entails that I am existing within that same point when someone is entering or so-called disrespecting my ownership over words and expressions. Ok I see a system manifestation  locking into a personality of respecting others through respecting their ownership of their personality, and thus words. I can see myself in the old ways being very hurt when someone would quote me or use my words  without mention me within it. So that’s a form of ownership and also an energetic signature related to being hurt not being treated with respect. Very much related to what is and has been previous discussed within my sra lesson when cross referenced with the resonances when working with the lesson on undergarment. So it locks into my perception of what was it again the word my sense ‘rechtvaardigheid” justice yes that’s it. So I have within my preprogrammed nature which is just information stored on an individual dna basis and developed this over time into something I belief to be justice yet it’s from a mind perspective.

So I must re-align this definition of justice b/c yes what is real justice, what is real?

First of all I will write out how I experience this kind of justice b/c it has been very much within all I participate within. I know it’s a key point within my design, the accepted and allowed nature of myself. It always within me in all I observe and participate within that what I live is always measured through fairness and justice. Fascinating, even when watching a movie I am resonating it as such – this point of justice. Fascinating its only now that I see how much I have become that point and resonate it as such so it must be standing as such a point within the structure, yet I can’t know this for sure – its also not relevant at this stage to know these things. What is relevant to re-align this point.

Becoming aware of points as such is amazing and breaking the spell, the hypnotic frequency of delusion. Breaking the trance is always an experience when it sinks in like waking up is quit of a deepening of being becoming aware of the extensive deception of our perceives selves. So its still a very long way to go

When listening to Esteni’s vids about system removal within seeing direct cause that’s how I refer to it, seeing direct within the moment – I realised that there are so many and it seems to be endless and everything is intertwined with everything else. Yet I also see that removing one and disconnect from it that it will work as a chain reaction. So it’s within where one is participating within that keeps the structure alive. I can imagine that it looks dimensionally as how Esteni is describing it. What is for me fascinating is that she describes it in detail as how Zina describes pain and colours in and outside my body and pointing always exactly at pain points and wash them away makes them white or more of a cleaning up lol

So it’s almost like seeing the expression of food or specific expression in my children.

I always experience physical pain as something that is locked, that I need to look for a key.

I also like and find it very accurate how B is referring to pain as your children and you are not going to fight your own children now do you – only stupid people are doing so and by now we all know how incredible freaking stupid we are! lol

So  when I was looking at pain points myself and where I have manifested such manifested crystals within my muscle tissue I referred to them as being alive b/c I walked this into creation so yes its like my baby, my child.

I also distinguish seeing that the whole point within my left arm, breast, armpits and shoulder and lymphatic system is a point which I am purifying myself from and releasing yet I also see that this is a process. And I always ask where this information, manifested pain as in crystals in my muscle tissues went. Esteni is explaining that dimensionally beliefs are going up in dust – so that quite an ‘easy’ one to crumble. But what about the rest where does it go within the physical body b/c its dump so to speak those are systems that aren’t there yet the echo of it that what is already manifested and what is not having any system to run through now becomes useless b/c it’s not being supported by that very same system that held everything together. So it must leave the body, which I am currently doing/busy with through fever, flu-like symptoms and so on.

After being physically intimate with someone and having intercourse again I actually started manifesting a bladder infection and also a vaginal yeast infection. So this was of course very disturbing and inconvenient. Well as the resonances pointed out that I hide fear behind inconvenience I actually can see that I was doing that in this case as well. Funny how I stored it as such as well, inconvenient.

Fascinating how we store experiences and words within us. Anyways the illness these diseases went away by looking at it and seeing that I was actually denying myself in this point so it was very much related to self-abuse and how I had for example intercourse. It was so mechanical that I was actually shocked and in tears how I was participating within this and to which degree I accepted this expression as me. I cried it was a cool release – there were tears of anger as well.

So the infection went up and down not being completely manifested yet – but I know how these infections feel like and I was heading towards it. So by actually getting out of self-denial and be gentle with myself in terms of how I abused myself in these two specific points; intercourse and touch which was completely transformed into a mechanical operation. I could let it go! It wasn’t really a process of a lot of sf I was able to see the point and let it go while breathing through the denial of it. And then the infection subsided. Which was cool.

Bladder infection and vaginal yeast infection are the most unpleasant things you can have as a woman and I had many. Yeast infection started when I actually stated menstruating – men I hate

And my first bladder infection manifested when I broke up with the so-called love of my life and started fooling around again. And yes it feels like being defeated and not in control of anything. I remember that I was at some time so pumped with antibiotics that even those didn’t cure it anymore and that my piss was drenched with blood and I was on a plane and crying. I post phoned my flight already for some days b/c of the infection and when I was on board of it the infection manifested again very unexpected and this time more painful than ever. I had tucked myself underneath a blanket crying and really wanted to die in that moment– drama queen as I was 😛

So definitely defeat/being defeated/what did I do wrong are the words as experience that stayed with me, seeing it now in another light of wanting and desiring a relationship which will never be answered/met in any way was/is one of the points that has created the manifestation of the bladder infection. Which is in essence self-abuse.

So within these words “defeat/being defeated/what did I do wrong?” I can absolutely relate to a being’s integration into this world to an absolute degree. Other wise one would not experience oneself like this. Also within:  “What did I do wrong?” is holding a belief of a higher being where one must obey to, to get a reward.

So self defeat/being defeated to an absolute degree where one is accepting and allowing the state of oneself and this world as an unchangeable fact. Fascinating that I manifested bladder infection only after the age of 28 – so it actually makes sense in terms of when I was leaving D I had given up on my dreams, my fights, my spark of life within me. I submitted completely and utterly, and the integration into this world was complete. The  exchange of life for systems just like money currency exchange, I exchanged life for love and love for sex=money and so it was complete. Closed cycle, closed system.

The physical can’t sustain such pressure of systems and will get sick or manifest illness and diseases it will annihilate oneself through the extensive abuse of self as I see/understand now and eventually one will get serious sick and manifest serious illnesses. I have seen it within myself I had a lump with a diagram of 4 cm and 8 cm long within my body. It has been removed a year ago and still physically not stabilised within this point.

I was crying when I saw and realised the extensive self abuse of what we allow/accept and that  we walk every illness into creation by our own doing.

The lump got removed last year b/c I thought it would assist me to remove such a big lump and it was becoming painful as well. It actually didn’t change the pain and the pressure for a bit. Only now after walking the recent change which i decided upon  and after lots of mostly painful massages my body is releasing the waste which was stored inside my muscle tissue.

Before the above surgery I removed a lump in my eye that was manifested there since my first pregnancy and I had many lumps in both eyes yet one remained. So I had surgery and it immediately manifested itself back- lol it was quite frustrating yet I could ‘see’ how through my own participation I created this lump into being. LoL

Namely it was my ‘concern’ about what others would think about me so it was so immediate that I had to realign this point through extensive Self Forgiveness and walk the correction. Then I ‘forgot’ about this point and I felt my eye some day and noticed that the lump was gone. So this was a small point in terms of a small manifestation and traceable where it originated from. During my pregnancy I was very much concerned of what other where thinking about me especially in the point of my upcoming motherhood.So that was a cool experience to walk through. So I see it now more of an expansion of me walking the correction of already manifested body points.