2010 Push push push

Push push push

Ok this point needs to be pushed yet I am not getting to the point where I push it into complete awareness I am still dragging myself through the day postponing looking at it in depth.

I am very reluctant to dig into it – a wall of resistance is within me as me it keeps me in a trap not  that ‘it’ traps me I trap myself within ‘it’ yet I experience ‘it’ as a ‘It’ which does not exist b/c the resistance is ‘me’ and created by ‘me’ and maintained by ‘me’.

‘Me’ as the automated mother is the horror in action, yet today I saw actually within full blast how my mother couldn’t help herself she had to do and act out what she acted out as a mother  b/c it was automated as her it was designed as such and yeah resistance was futile.

I start to see glimpses of this automated me as a mother and hell no its not a pretty sight. That what one has become yet is not able to see b/c one is living it.

I will not allow myself to submit to this wall of resistance I experience I will walk and pull the point through into awareness into alignment.

Well, It only stops when I stop.

more on mother matrix design and its play out later

Ok that’s it for now.

2009 Siblings as Extension of the Mother

LouLou is seeking for comfort and runs off to Zina when I don’t comfort her. Same as what I was always doing, I ran off to my older sister seeking for comfort. She has been pointing this out to me very clearly some years ago after I had a miscarriage and expected comfort from her. I couldn’t believe thats she  pointed this out to me. I was so angry with her because I wanted her to comfort me, to be all what I wanted her to be for me an extension of my ‘mother’.

Please forgive me for my ignorance. I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to seek comfort through the company of my sister by projecting all my perceived motherly missed attention onto her.

This has been the underlying reason the real starting point for not having contact with her for a while, some time ago. The oldest child is placed as an extension of the mother/father within the family matrix design.Hence my creation of projecting my wants needs of being in need of motherly comfort onto her. I see this very clearly now.

Its time to study what family and siblings actually are standing for to be able to realign the family unit with what is best for All.

2009 Fear of Public Humiliation


Monday 3 August 2009

Fear of Public Humiliation, I experienced this quite a bit, extensively I must say.
First time I was getting really aware of it was when I planned to go to the farm: “What would others think of me as a mother?” Fear of public judgment, embarrassment.

Now being here at the campground: What would the neighbours think of me when I’m so pissed off when the kids are awake at 4 o’clock  in the morning and stay awake for 2 hours and, or when Zina is waking Lou up in the middle of the night and me being utterly irritated by it, being utterly ashamed that they may have overheard me talking to the kids to shut up and that they need to go back to sleep.

DO I remain here as breathe? Oh no I get irritated I want to sleep!
And then it creeps in:
-Who did hear me?
-Who will judge me?
-What will the neighbours think of me?

It’s so silent here someone must have heard me being irritated, saying: “shut the fuck up, omfg I’m so embarrassed.”

Same with C, When I cried in front of her this is already almost 2 years ago and still do I feel shame that I cried and showed my utter despair towards her. Similiar point: Fear and being ashamed of showing myself in Public.

Two days ago the thought of me being spiteful about a post that I made in the past towards a persons in my words was spite and I know it and I know that others saw that already during that time and there it is. Being exposed and humiliated publicly That’s the core of this specific point being embarrassment through exposure. I want to explain myself, explain  my behaviour in terms of: “I can’t just help myself! It’s bigger then me! Its to big to handle! I cant help myself. Please I want you to understand so that you wont judge me.”

Never been aware of this fear within me its more a point of being exposed and fear of being PUBLICLY HUMILIATED. Fear of Public judgment because of it.

Thoughts come up as:

“Please understand me, I’m not a bad parent.”
“Someone could call the children/family care office and report me as a bad parent and take my kids away.” Irrational stuff.
“Every body sees that what I’m hiding, I’m exposed and being executed for it in public”
Very deeply ingrained ‘I’rrational stuff.

2009 Family- Mother in Law

Back to the question:

Why don’t I allow myself to hold her as me unconditionally here as me as I’m doing with the little ones? There shouldn’t be any difference between my kids or anyone else .That’s totally not acceptable and yet I live this in actuality

I wrote and applied already so much sf on this but its still not cleared although I realize that most of my reactions are unconsciously triggered and then lived as me

Ok there is one part that I didn’t allowed myself to look into and didn’t allow myself to embrace as me

I see a fear to become like her and this fear I don’t want to face with myself and this fear I’m fighting within and without not even realizing that this particular point is already playing out so I’m fighting and rebelling against it.

When I observe myself when being around her I realize  that I very much react towards her, it’s not even one thing which is very prominent but her whole presence

When she walks in my home to see the kids I’m already get tensed

I always thought that it was our lack of communication due to a language barrier but I also realize that much of our communication is done and translated through body language

To dive deeper into this specific point

And to be brutal self-honesty about it I hate being being with her I hate spending time with her, I hate it when she’s manipulating the kids – no not really

But I hate it when she’s complaining about her lack of being with her own daughter

I hate it when she cries

I hate it when she’s tries everything possible everything possible within a female set of rules to ‘get’ to me or to anyone in her reality

What is it that to get to me?

The way she enters the house always moaning, sighing

That’s the first thing

But ok back to my fear ending up exactly like her

Meaning

What does she represent?

The way she’s completely and utterly depending on the attention of her kids – Aaah

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what I have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I fear of that what I still have to walk

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my mother in law represents all the fear I suppress inside

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she stands within me as the fear I suppress inside

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she represents all the points I’m afraid of facing within myself namely fear of the that what I have become and what is already playing out, Fear of death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that whenever I see her I see a sick woman that ‘sacrificed’ herself for her children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I fear that I sacrificied myself to the desire of having children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she had breast cancer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I judge her for it because she caused this herself instead of realising that I’m equal responsible for the outflow as the accepted and allowed nature of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ending up like her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that she’s completely and utterly depending on her children for her ‘happiness’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I fear ending up like her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that all mothers in this world are completely and utterly depending on their children for their  ‘happiness’

And therefore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that mothers in this world manipulate their children, they abuse crying, love and their ownership of the word motherhood and right as a mother to manipulate their children into infinity in the name of motherhood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my mother in law is taking ownership on her children and her grandchildren only because she is their mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that mothers claim owner ship over their children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that this is the ultimate act of separation to exclude every one which is not from the own womb

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that females are the biggest deceivers in existence preaching and justifying their act of spitefulness with words such as love and motherhood, and intuition and god knows what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women abuse and use clothes to seduce men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that women abuse and abuse makeup to seduce men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that all women are manipulating males because they can.

As I see

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to hold her unconditionally as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that this resistance towards her is me resting and fighting me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that all that I see within her is simply reflection all of me back to me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience the feelings inside when being with her and simply apply myself accordingly

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to resist looking into the fear I experience inside but instead went into complete spite towards her

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the fear I experiencing is simply showing me how I exist

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to correct myself within the moment when the inner turmoil starts boiling up

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stay within and as the breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the fear of ending up like her is already playing out

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself that the future is already here and the only thing I can do is stay here as and in the breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed to suppress all the feelings inside such as fear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear death

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear growing old

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself whenever I see women of age I see myself and that what I eventually will become and I’m completely and utterly suppress the experience inside

This is completely and utterly unacceptable

I am the directive principle of me

I see that I can change

I do not suppress what I experience inside

I’m not afraid of that what I’m experiencing inside

I’ve seen and I see what this does to people to suppress all what is living inside and the illness and the death that will come through accepting and allowing this to be lived as you in fact.

This is completely unacceptable and I will not abdicate myself  I see and realize that the actuality of me is exactly the same suppressing and ignoring the true experience inside

When I see the children with my mother in law they embrace her unconditionally. Simple

And so shall I walk the correction in every moment of

I do not accept and allow this any further

Till here it’s enough

It’s complete stupidity and only causing suffering and bs

When I look at this again I see that when ever I suppress myself extensively the kids are extremely physical with me both in their own way, Zina is just here unconditionally in her support and Lou is always touching me

So I’ve seen these two specific points

The same constructs we both participate in

And the suppressing of my fears to end up like her that’s why I don’t feel comfortable around her

This I haven’t realized before

Please forgive me for all my bs

My spite towards you

My arrogance

My suppressed fear projected towards you

As we’re all in this together and no one excluded, and I’m as much responsible for her as for me

I take you in, I hold you as me because you are me

How In fucks name can I talk about oneness and equality when I cant even hold her as me and hold these points that she’s representing to me within myself

How can I walk being able to direct me and direct others as me when not even able to hold my mother in law as me WTF?

This stops here!

I realize I see that everyone in my reality in my ‘little’ world must be taken into consideration, standing one and equal to them as me other wise I pretty much fuck myself within this all.

Its such a simple realzisation but to my shame and embarrassment I have to say that I never took her into consideration I completely and utterly denied her in my existence how fucking stupid is this. I cant even realize that this was what I was actually doing. Holy cow I’m even more fucked up and full of shit then I thought I was.

Well let’s not wallow in this stupidity any further

It stops here

The veil I will call it. The veil of self deceit

My mother in law

Ignore all and live as ignorance is bliss – WTF?

I ignored my father

I ignore my in laws

I will not ignore anyone or anything any longer

I will be here

FEAR OF ENDING UP LIKE HER

FEAR OF ENDING UP LIKE MY FATHER

FEAR OF DYING

THE FAT BELLIES

THE FAT PEOPLE

TO SEE OLDER PEOPLE,AND HOW I EXPERIENCE MYSELF  ITS FEAR OF DYING

I IGNORE THIS

GETTING OLDER ESPECIALLY IN THE MOTHERCONSTRUCT THE FAT ON THE BELLY ON THE ARMS

THE ULTIMATE STATE OF SLOWLEY DYING AFTER GIVING BIRTH I ACTUALLY GIVE UP LIKE MY MOTHER IN LAW, LIKE MY FATHER I’M WAITING TILL THE END! JUST SITTING OUT MY DAYS

Unacceptable!

After I voiced my Sf I experienced an instant release and I experience less backpain I feel lighter in my whole being. Also my pelvic floor is stabilizing its really amazing

This one point that was boiling inside of me to see how I exist triggered by my mother in law