2009 Self-forgiveness LANGUAGE and CROSS CULTURAL RELATIONSHIPS

Self-forgiveness

My mother in law

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by anger when we’re not able to communicate effectively due to language

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that we exist in a world with different languages

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that we’re not able to communicate within the ways that we’re communicating within this reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that a large amount of people in this world aren’t able to read or write

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I’m utterly frustrated when not being able to point out the simplest things to her

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that this only increases the secret mind to think about each other instead of communicating about it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I use laughter as a way to communicate as a means to have a way of contact

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that without language I do not allow myself to stand one and equal to her within the way she’s communicating

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take the lack of language in as me instead of judging it as difficult

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that we use language as a way to make ourselves clear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I don’t understand language in its totality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I don’t understand words in its totality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that the way we talk is important in this world and a way to ‘climb on the hill’ in this reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I define people through the way they’re using language

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be hypnotized by people and their words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be confused by people and the words they’re using

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief words spoken by someone or written down by someone instead of putting trust in the living  words in application

Culture:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that we exist in different cultures with different codes and symbols to indentify ourselves with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to that I define myself through the Dutch culture

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I define her through the Moroccan culture

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that emigrants do not have the same language skills as I do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that inequality exist as our accepted nature

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be understood in the language I speak, as a way I communicate

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry, annoyed, irritated when this is not the case

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that without language and rules, structures we cant communicate with each other

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that some else is not mastering this structure of language we cant communicate effectively

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that structure exist

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that everything take times in space and time in the structure we exist in

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that even without language, without the  spoken words  we’re able to annoy, irritate each other

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that our body language says proberly more then the unspoken words we cant speak

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I’m always angry with her when she is misinterpreting the words I speak

Hmmm

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I want to be understood in the words I use

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that this is a desire to be understood

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a self- definition as wanting to be understood

What is the use of this?

Why

How

When

Who

Forgive me that I completely and utterly didn’t understand the real meaning of understanding

Understanding – wanting to be understood – self-definition of being misunderstood

Understanding- misunderstanding

The two polarities

The polarity of a self-definition

Is there a solution to this fact of two beings that are not able to communicate through language?

I breathe and I take it in as me because it’s me that I’m fighting

I do not allow myself to be consumed any longer by wanting to be understood wanting to communicate

I correct me in the moment whenever irritation comes up I remain here in and as the breath

Here as me as I am all that is here

Words do have power

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that she fears my words, my directness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I hurt her with my words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I represent the fury of language as the opposite is so well cultivated within her culture

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that she fears me when I point things out to her

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that she’s shaking when being with me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that she’s nervous when being with me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to scare her

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that she sees me as the boogieman because of the way I use language

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that language are symbols and that within using it you can either live the words you speak stand one and equal or you can manipulate, deceive others as yourself through the words you speak

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that we give language it’s power

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that when you have power and master language you have power over those who haven’t mastered language

There is still more

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as a time line of irritation about the same point instead of seeing it for what it is and release in within the moment through remaining here in and as the breath

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fall back in old patterns of ‘me’ even when I already proven to myself that this self-definition is not whom I am as Life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I didn’t remain here as breathe

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be self dishonest when it suites me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to post phone and to delay being here

WTF?

This doesn’t make sense at all

This is plain stupidity

I am allowing this irritation I am allowing this self definition so I take it in as me breath and let it go and do not allow myself to miss one breath when past patterns emerge I am here and I direct myself I do not allow any thing else to direct me them me here

I do not allow myself to be directed by words of others when I cant or am not able to stand one and equal as the words, one and equal with the words

That’s what I have to allow myself to stand one and equal as the words to take it in unconditionally as me

That NO OUTSIDE source is ever AGAIN directing me that’s how I got trapped in the first place to believe and perceive words of others as mine to FOLLOW instead of standing one and equal with and as the words

So I can’t actually say I agree because its not agreeing with another its standing as the words and in this the words are living words as me so in this the agreement that I stand one and equal as the words

I will myself to never again act out of FEAR for another, others, self

Because in fear I fuck myself its fear the fear which cuts you off of standing and being one and equal to others words and from here direct yourself as it

Standing one and equal with the words that are spoken is cool its what Alice B describes in her document which is cool it resonates within me that this is what we do and then somehow it bends into a structure a design a system and yes then you’re basically fucked cause now you belief that you are this self definition of yourself

And this actually what B said to me as well when you’re reading something just let it be you one and stand equal with and as the words. That’s what I understand now as well. I’m getting self aware of it.

Standing one and equal as the words all words, all post all people, all events because all is me where I separated myself from the whole.

I am the directive principle of me and not any external source will move me I am here stable, standing, expressing, moving,directing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring to express myself effectively not realizing that I fear being misunderstood

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for knowing what I want to express and to desire a way to express this to exactly as these words to my mother in law which is actually separation because this I do not live but only know and now I desire to transfer this knowledge in a ‘ definite form’ to make sure she gets what I want to say

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring structure as a way to cope with her and my world instead of realizing that when I live this knowledge I hold her as me and in this I do not ‘need’ a structure to define communication through

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself that I want to share the words with her instead of living the words without realizing that when I am the living words, the words and me as who I am are one and equal without any structure.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have to live the words instead of sharing the words

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have to be and become the living words and in this I am one and equal with her and then the words will come as me because the words are me in fact

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I always struggle to express myself in and as the words instead of being the words, living the words one and equal

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be silent

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be utterly powerless in the search of expression myself through words instead of realizing that I was looking in the wrong direction through and in as the structure of consciousness which is already a impossibility

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that through and in structure I only limiting myself in and as structure instead of living and being the living words not of the structure but yet in the structure

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I don’t have to fear the structure

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see that fearing the structure is defining myself through the structure

I am not defined by the structure

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that this structure is supporting me in seeing and facing who I am in structure but I am not structure in any way whatsoever, I am in it but not of it

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I want to express myself through limitation where there is no self as self is not limited

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to understand all instead of letting all go and in this be All

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that when I let all go I will realize all as one as me Here

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I  use reason and intellect for ‘solving’ a problem like miscommunication instead of seeing that we were never mend to truly communicate through the mind at all.

I hold her as me here

I hold the ‘problem and conflict’ as me here

I hold me here in and as the breath

I hold all the words as me Here

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2009 Motherhood MotherMatrix Definitions


Motherhood MotherMatrix Definitions an exercise
Which brings me to:
-Self -nurturing
-Self -gentleness
-Self -love
-Self-holding self unconditionally embracing all of me because I’m all

Looking for support outside – looking for a mother

Mother matrix:
-Nurturing
-Love
-Holding the child as her
-Gentleness

I hereby state by being a mother in this world in this reality I live gentleness, self love, self nurturing in fact as the expression of me here in every moment of breath. I show the little ones through example and in this they will see that they are able of:

-Self nurturing
-Self gentleness
-Self Love
-Self holding self unconditionally embracing all of them because they are All

So that they will never have the ‘urge’ to Look for support ‘outside’ – looking for a ‘mother’, looking for me their mother to represent this point to them be this for them because they will realize that this what they are looking for they’re already in fact here as LIFE.

And in this they will establish self nurturing as self-expression here self-love as self-expression, holding self as self-expression.

Me as mother walking with her children unconditionally holding them all of them here as me.

A mother:
nurtures the child as her
Love the child as her as the self-expression here as her one and equal
Holds the child as her unconditionally
Being gentle with the child as self expression here as her

To live this in fact, as the living expression as whom we are as LIFE one and equal.

We as mothers in this reality, I as a mother in this world/reality have to redefine motherhood. The essence of motherhood being a mother in this reality. Me as a mother will redefine motherhood to its core until I am and all are walking one and equal with the child.

What did I wanted the most from my mother:
I wanted to be heard
I wanted to be seen
I wanted to be one and equal
I wanted to be hold unconditionally as me