2009 Mother,Motherhood and Self-definitions

Motherhood& self-definitions

Looking into motherhood and self definitions

Self- nurturing

Nurturing self when realized that nurturing can only come from self so nurturing is always self-nurturing

In feelings and experiences of not being nurtured enough or wanting to be nurtured by others this specific self definition point shows me what is not yet embraced as me which always brings you back to how you  experienced  yourself around your mother and the outflows thereof. Meaning how you specifically designed yourself through this self-definition point.

In bringing this back to self to embrace nurturing as you, you become it as you here

Self love

Love is actually a self definition that I lived specifically desired form my mother as following: wanting to be hold, held by others mainly my mother in bringing this self- definition of love back home to me as me holding self I’m becoming love in fact here as me

Embracing me as Love here

Being hold

As a desire, which derives from love, which is a desire, everyone, is living, everyone wants to be held by their parents especially by their mothers.

In this I realize that I’m only able to hold me as me here to embrace this rage inside that I haven’t been hold by my mother in any way whatsoever

In bringing it back to me -holding me unconditionally as me I bring it here as me

Embracing and holding me

The image that pops up with holding myself is that I hold everything here in me as me I don’t hold it as I hold a baby in my arms,no

I hold it here as me

Not there as me but here as me

In holding me all comes together, all self definitions comes together all ‘out there’ is coming together here as me

I walk and bring these self-definition points that are related to these specific experiences of myself when being a child and being a mother myself back here as me to become whole again.

TRUST (Feelings of safety)

Feelings of wanting to be safe as a baby in a womb this I can also relate back to being hold, but to be more specific I want to trust her,  which  in essence deriving from  Self-trust


In this I find another point that is very prominent, I’ve never been able to hold my mother as me as described above in these specific self definitions points

–       nurturing

–       love

–       holding

–       Trust

I breath in and hold my mother as me, unconditionally here as me

holding the breath I’m here

In the out breath I let go of all my self-definition points related to my mother and all outflows thereof

Holding the breath I’m here

When I see any wavering still dormant within me I know that I still hold on to self-definition points, suffering and pain

I breath in and hold her as me unconditionally here as me

Its fascinating that all we desire from our mothers what we’re not able to GIVE to ourselves we only want to Take this from others

the solution is so simple  in front of our eyes

I cant be more grateful for the children in my live, they showed me what Life is all about. Unconditionally embracing All which means unconditionally embracing all without memory or expectations without any desire for an outcome

And yet I find myself being all what I cant GIVE and want to take,

mom please forgive me

I admit guilt It was me It was always me in all ways

I forgive myself


2009 The Realm of Dead People

I realized that my mother was lost after she died and how I said to her” Fuck off” when she ‘came’ to me.
I was ‘feeling’ her within me, lost, she was so lost. She really didn’t know where she was at all I realize now. She was utterly lost when she died and that she was wandering in the dimensional plane not knowing where she was at all. And she kept keeping back to the ppl she know when she was still in the physical plane, she went to see her kids. And I said “Fuck Off” she actually didn’t understand that, so she left us alone.
I said to her to “Go Away, Leave me Alone” and I realize I just see now that she didn’t know where she was at, lost as we’re All lost.

I feel ashamed as I see know that I was lost too.

I remember telling this to my father and that he answered is this really necessary, why are you so cruel to her?
It was during my miscarriage that these things opened up to me, I could for the first time ‘communicate’ with the intangible world. Before I actually never wanted to have anything to do with a world I couldn’t see or touch and I was petrified off it as well. It was just a no-go-area also due to my early childhood experiences.
As a child I was petrified by demons my sister could ‘see’ them and I could ‘sense’ them.So I said as a child to never ever communicate with a world I couldn’t touch. I’m grateful to all that walked before us that have been preparing the way so the demons were able to purify themselves. No demon will ever do harm onto children anymore. I just know that this is an absolute, there are no demons as they existed to haunt us anymore.
I’ve seen and experienced how horrific it was. No more!

The ‘Spirit’ world. Someone pointed out to me that there exist a possibility that dead people could be lost as well. That there is no absolute certainty that things would be all fine when being dead, in the after Life.
I already saw this point but couldn’t really pin point it. I thought that those wandering after death where ‘lost’ souls and within this I wanted to make sure that this would never happen to me.

I was only interested in me, myself and I and my own comfort.