2012- Finding Purpose

purpose:

the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists”

My entire life I’ve been looking for a purpose I actually got in severe problems because of this seeking of the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists”

Simple because I couldn’t find it in any way and it brought me to a mental break down read severe depression. Somewhere down the line I had picked up that I simply must have a purpose otherwise my live would be totally meaningless within this world/reality or existence even. Yet wherever I looked I couldn’t found a purpose of living. So it’s actually the question of wanting to know why one exists, which is probably a question in many of us. Which is already also locks one within the equation of the question “why” instead of “how” one is living and see if within the “how” one is living is possible a way out of the “why”.

I completely overlooked “how” I live and “how” we exist! Not even considering that there could be answers within, meaning looking at myself from a different perspective/ platform than I’m used to or taught to. I must say that actually at that stage there wasn’t any other way to reflect upon my reality than I did b/c I simply was lacking a platform based on common sense within to reflect upon!

Looking for a purpose in this world/life existence is simply another form of believing in (a) god that will miraculously give you purpose and that’s what I was exercising all the way through, yet I wasn’t even aware of it. The wrapper of this search was called inner soul-searching which is nothing else than how to obey a god and furthermore to ask god to give you a purpose.

Asking someone else for a purpose in your life is like sitting in the kitchen looking at a huge pile of dishes and waiting for someone to enter the door to tell you how to clean it . lol

It’s just plain stupid.

This path of believing that one will find a purpose somewhere will and can only lead to absolute isolation. To illustrate it with a personal experience I mean at a certain point I was only being occupied with this one question what’s my fucking purpose? So I went to see a spiritual healer and the moment I walked out the door again I was holding a little bottle of water, which was injected with a cosmic organic voice from the universe that vibrated with mine. For full effect I had to wear day and night unto my skin. So I did, I stacked this tiny little bottle into my bra and can remember feeling in a total recognised onto my way of finding my true purpose within this world. Sharing this story is in no way to ridicule anyone! ~It only illustrates how far out I was.

And how far we disconnected ourselves from seeing the dishes that needs to be cleaned, getting it done. We have disconnected ourselves from seeing what we have created in this world and what exist within ourselves by consistently denying reality as it is. For me to be able to find a purpose in the first place can only exist while others are not even placed in such luxurious positions, a simple fact I overlooked within my quest of self-interest matters is: That for me to have others cannot have! ! !

How far out I’d been, seeking for self-interest goals, how did I separated myself to isolate myself from all others not even considering all others because I couldn’t even Consider or Grasp that I am part of All.

Looking for a purpose is overlooking the state of this world and that this world must be sorted out into a world that’s benefiting all! Is this now a new purpose of living? I would say yes because best for all is always here. It will stand into infinity, solid as a rock its the only valid purpose of living b/c it includes all life! So that’s the purpose I have given to myself and that’s what I will show my children as well!

A purpose is something given to you, a form of control that reveals itself in the way the world works. This then allows one to realize if you dare that if you are not the one that gave you the purpose, you are mind controlled. The only valid purpose that will be universally sustainable for eternity is that which is best for all life in all ways. make sure you are not the result of forces –rather be the force of life that give equality as one to all. The finding of a purpose is self deception. Purpose as what is best for all is always here. Only self interest let one seek your self interest and happiness in isolation. Those that do not in every breath live and dedicate themselves to what is best for all life is in fact lost in self interest and external happiness remote control.


- Bernard Poolman

 

 

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2011 Bringing about the MessAge- Self Corrective Writings

Posting my writings onto my blog is what I’m currently push into being.

A resistance a layer that I can clearly see is to postpone bringing a task or activity to an end, to finish what one has started.

Finish
Latin ‘Finis’ ‘end’
Ok finish a task or activity, making my writings tangible, to derive it from the ‘skeleton’ my daily writings into a compact comprehensive message in sight of the eye of the public, to publish the message so we can end the mess of this age through the living word. So to walk it is a self willed consistent daily commitment.


Another layer of resistance is to publish my writings because then it becomes public.

Publish
The Latin word is ‘Publicare’ – make public.‘I’ very much resist to be in sight of all eyes, some love it, ‘I’ as pattern don’t. That’s why I will ‘I’ to bring about the Message in sight for all eyes so we can for once and for All End the Mess of this Age.

2010 walking through a decision

1 May

19:29:10)resonances: Jozien – M, is still a “undefined / undecided point” within your world/reality – meaning, he’s a point that’s there, because you haven’t made an actual clear decision with regards to how/where you “want him” in your world/reality, so to speak – this is shown within that fact that, you’re still compromising in accepting and allowing yourself to allow him to make certain decisions that you feel uncomfortable towards, but you’ll “follow it” – to ‘keep him’ in your reality/world and also within that fact that – there is no clear stipulation between the two of you with regards to where you stand with each other. Thus – Jozien – you require making a definitive decision with regards to how to direct your reality/yourself in relation to him – instead of “keeping him in your world” because of fear of making an actual decision in placing him and yourself exactly within a specific point. Jozien – with regards to M, you require making a decision, assess you, your world, the children and him equally – write-down decisions and then “play them out” within yourself or on paper, with regards to how you see it manifesting within reality, and your fears within it – apply self forgiveness especially in relation to the fears, to ensure the fears don’t make the decision – but that you have within taking everything into consideration equally. Self-Honesty Jozien. Thus – when you “see you in him” utilize the opportunity of self-corrective action, immediately – you have a direct-mirror of yourself, if you stand in those pionts – you can direct him as you, but first – you have to apply yourself into and as self-corrective action.

SF
fear of making a decision
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making a dishonest decision from the starting point of fear making a decision
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision that I will never be able to correct again
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to get stuck in a decision that I will regret later.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision without realising that I already made a decision by not making one.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not have willed myself to make a decision.

Core point
Fear making the wrong decision and by this not making a decision which is also a decision
Fear of making a decision I will regret
Fear of doing something which I cant never correct again
Making a decisions – not making one is also making one
The thought: “I must make a decision” locks oneself into a construct –from directing myself in every moment from a self-honest starting point, its similar to the why instead of the how in essence the same.
Making a decision is the end point of a sequence
“Making a decision” towards something or someone will step forth while directing myself in self honesty

Self corrective statements:
I Direct self from the starting point of self honesty self directing self is a living not stagnant expression self walks into a living expression of self and then the outcome steps forth self directed as self honest expression and a ‘decision’ will unfold naturally. Simple, effortless
(in the understanding that words, actions/deeds of another being are not separated from me and within my ability of directing the other as me.)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to post phone looking into specificity into our relationship regards the way we are living together
I actually disregarded it as not a valid point within my world – yes I see how I did this If I don’t pay attention to it – it doesn’t exist type of thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded the point money and how I placed myself into specificity within this point within my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded the whole within my placement as such and only took parts of it into consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not haven all the points within the point of money and my specific placement within it to a point of equally questioning my reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not equally questioned all the points within the point of money within my reality and how I‘ve placed myself within my world.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have ‘overlooked’ this point within my world/my reality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed this point within my world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have disregarded preparing the way before me through writing the self-corrective actions before me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself when M is around and thus are disregarding me and the kids equally within this
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have not taken everything into consideration equally here as me but instead separated me from the little ones and m equally.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ‘exist’ when M is around
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately ignored feelings of being uncomfortable with his actions

Core point:
Postponing and procrastinating looking and questioning my reality into specificity from the starting point of self honesty MUST always be FLAGPOINTED. It is putting yourself on hold. Will it magically go away when I exercise putting points on hold? Its self deception its self dishonesty

Self corrective statements:
I allow myself to question everything within myself in the understanding that resisting and putting points ‘on hold’, is holding onto information=energy in my reality its not serving all so in this understanding I let it go and act immediately when a unanswered question arises.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to avoid conflict when I see a point between us that I am uncomfortable with
I forgive myself that I ‘ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when his respond is like an energetic wall of resistance where I am not able to direct myself and thus prefer to compromise myself instead of directing myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself when I do not direct myself towards his actions, words, decisions and therefore not taking myself into consideration but always submit to the feeing of ‘safety’ towards us
I forgive myself that I ‘ve been accepting and allowing myself to withdraw when I have the opportunity to direct him and thus myself equally here as me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to equalise me with his words and deeds and therefore accepted and allowed myself to stand one and equal to his dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by not directing myself and in actuality are supporting him within his dishonesties towards himself and thus towards me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief that I took this point on but in actuality I used this idea as an justification for not directing me within preparing the way before me through writing and scripting the self corrective actions.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this idea of me taking this point on within my world/reality by thinking that by believing it was enough to change me and thus us.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from m and the kids equally to the compromise I allowed within me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always play on safe while it comes to m and his decisions to avoid conflict thus submit to feelings being unable to direct me within it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by always being there for him when he needs to talk or needs support not realising that this is a one way support and that I give permission for him to do so.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to listen to him whenever he feels like it b/c I don’t want to hurt him or loose the opportunity to communicate with him
Ok this is that I take every opportunity when he’s opening up but that’s actually only when he is in need of talking so he’s directing it and not me meaning that I don’t direct me communicating with him but wait for him
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to compromise my self-direction through waiting for him when he opens up to me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have excluded M from my life and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stand one and equal as the decision to always do what’s best for all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of security
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of safety
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of stability
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself to remain within self-definitions of money, by keeping M in my world.

Core point
Not directing self and thus compromising oneself

Self corrective statements
What comes before compromising self
The opportunity to see me in him, the opportunity to direct myself in self honesty when a moment arises to direct/correct myself immediately within the moment of participating and become the correction in action while participating.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear living in a world where M will not be around
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being without money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being a single mother
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear doing the wrong thing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to sustain myself and provide for an income for the kids and me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the financial comfortably I’m currently living
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being without money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear M’s future relationships with other women
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my children to a strange woman is his future live
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear living my live without my children

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the house I am living in
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing all ‘I have’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the comfort ability of my current life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing companionship

Core point
Future projections
Loosing definitions of self
This all interlocks with other definitions I am holding towards m and money
So to remove one building block of the chain I stop the chain from repeating itself over and over again

Self corrective statements:
Fearing the future and possible outcomes can only exist within my mind – by directing myself in every moment to walk into manifesting a life that serves all I stay grounded to what is real and the outflow will step forth while I am walking into and as the self corrective actions. Then the future will be here in every breath while creating it within the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see m as the money provider
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have made m into the security point of money
So within this I can’t never stand one and equal to him b/c he symbolise the money provider within my world.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my children when m=money will not be in my world

Core point
M representing the money point within my world – totally unacceptable.
I constructed it this way b/c I live through definitions/symbols and place them accordingly in my world regardless and without consideration off the being within that placement. Unacceptable

Self corrective statements:
M is a being that is in process like everyone else – although he doesn’t walk it from the perspective as I walk it applying the tools given to me/us.
I embrace all of him equally as me and direct myself in self honesty in the consideration that he isn’t yet/always able to see what I see or have realised myself. In this understanding I walk and won’t accept anything less from him then I accept within myself in the understanding that I can only stand one and equal with what I accept and allow and agree to stand one and equal with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear directing myself as him in this point
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear going all the way

Core point
Fear of being directive principle as life as the expression of myself within the best interest of all
Fear of showing to myself proving it to me that I can really do it and be it live it without holding back no matter what.

Self corrective statements :
Self correction being directive principle from the starting point of self honesty, I allow myself to direct myself when I ‘see’ myself within others and thus have the opportunity to direct myself.
I take this opportunity as a gift to ground myself in as self direction in every participation with others until I am self directive in fact.
I allow myself to stand within the understanding that what we have become wont be solved through accepting excuses from others as me.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my children when I am not able to provide for them and me financially
Which in essence happens to my birth- mother b/c she wasn’t able to sustain for us so she placed me for adoption
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to change the way I placed myself within my world/reality and thus the placement of m within my world
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear ending up in the exact same placement as my birth mother without realizing that I already manifested this placement of myself as such.

Core point:
fear/preprogrammed inherent fear from my birth mother
fear of loosing money that has placed unto another person

Self corrective statements:
I enable self to correct the preprogrammed nature of myself and prepare the way before me by scripting myself into a placement of myself that will benefit all in this I release the money point of dependency on another and place myself as the authority of my placement
Flagpoint: whenever I tend to go into irrational fears regards my current placement I immediately correct myself by breathing and sf and I let it go and prepare the way before me

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and therefore compromise myself towards m and how I placed him within my reality
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself instead of scripting the corrective actions in front of me so that I am able to walk the self corrective action into a living application.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I cant change myself
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I will be stuck in this point forever which will be the case if I don’t change myself into a living correction of myself within the placement of myself in my world/reality
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself to an alignment that serves all because then I need to give up the belief I hold of the placement of myself within my reality and therefore need to give up feeling safe, comfortable within the current placement of M within it.

Core point
Placement of self
Placement of self within my reality/world has been deliberately done in order to have the money point in place .

Self corrective statements:
Placement of self can be corrected into alignment with what serves all- placement of self within in the structure is not serving me thus not serving all.
I will myself so align myself with life and place myself in an assisting supporting placement of self.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear going to search for a job
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to find a job
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able stand financially on my own
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to stand within this point
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fuck up again
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will make the same mistakes over and over again.

Ok this is self trust and fear of falling
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cant trust myself while preparing the way before me
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear falling in this point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to self correct myself b/c I never lived this self correction yet in fact within this specific placement of myself.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to stand within a job and will look for an easy way out again
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not enjoying the job I will find
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not having enough time to spend with my children.

Core point:
future projections of finding a job
Self corrective statements:
More on this later

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have justified staying with M b/c of the placement of him within my world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact when I am not directing myself within being together with him in alignment with what serves all I already sealed myself in failure and separation because from this starting-point we will never be equalised participants.

Core point:
giving up on self
will continue later

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel safe when everything remains as it is within my world and the placement of m within my world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created a relation where my first priority is that he’s supported from the perspective of my Status quo of ‘safety’

Safety:
Safe I feel safe within the current placement of m and myself in my world/reality
Which is a fuck up b/c how can I ever take M the being into consideration when I equalize him to a defintions of safety=money

Self corrective statements:
Safety is not within placements of people or things and what they represent as such.
I am save when I walk always in the best interest of all – then safety is when all beings are save when I walk this into a manifested reality then safety can be real for all. I am safe while walking this into a manifested physical expression of myself.

Comfortable
Its comfortable within this placement of him within my world/reality b/c I don’t challenge the definition of feeling comfortable at all and its not serving me and thus not all when I equalize the word comfort and the experience/self defintions thereof to money

Comfort
I am comfortable when I walk this path of manifesting a physical reality where all can be in a state of physical ease and freedom, free from pain or constraint.

Security
I feel secure when I am within this placement of us. So security can never been lived as a living expression of self while I align it to m=money=security.
How can I feel secure when others are subject of threat, attack- that’s not real
Security based on money is the flat-liner of self movement b/c now one never allows oneself to question ones reality
After testing if I have been specific enough:
‘Garantie’
So I only feel secure when I have a guarantee that money will be guaranteed and I will place it like that accordingly and used M for it. So security equals having money.
Geez pretty nasty stuff
Ok let it go
A Guarantee you get when you buy something to make sure that what you purchased is of a certain quality and that you get “waar voor je geld.”
So the placement of M is the quarantee in order to feel secure although I have to compromise myself to remain within this placement b/c I fear loosing it.
Hmm still not clear yet

Self corrective statements
Security can only be lived when I walk into the solution, manifesting an physical reality where non will ever be subject to threat, attack when all are secure I am secure then security is real

Stability
I experience a sense of stability within this placement. M=money=stability within myself.
Money=survival
Survival is not stability

Stability is to place myself in an effective and supportive placement where I walk into manifesting practical solutions into a living expression of who I am as the stand I’m making. Being stable is being whole within the understanding that all flows through me as me and in all I am one and stability steps forth from this understanding, then stability will manifest and steps forth from walking into a manifested solution that what serves all.

Money is required in this world to survive – to be practical about it.
I need to make money, I am in this world so I need to work with what is here in this world and walk through the allowed and accepted manifested consequence thereof to stand as it and at the same time utilize it to bring forth and manifest a equal change for all within the best interest of all.
So from this perspective I support and assist myself to make money and be practical about the point money. It doesn’t hold any other definition then what I script for myself into a corrective action,to an expression that serves all.

Afer testing through which point I haven’t been specific enough:
Security
I feel secure when I am within this placement of us. So security can never been lived as a living expression of self while I align it to m=money=security.
How can I feel secure when others are subject of threat, attack- that’s not real
Security based on money is the flat-liner of self movement b/c now one never allows oneself to question ones reality
Tested out this specific word:
‘Garantie’
So I only feel secure when I have a guarantee that money will be guaranteed and I will place it like that accordingly, Mo within the placement it. So security equals having money.
Pretty nasty stuff
A guarantee you get when you buy something to make sure that what you purchased is of a certain quality and that you get “waar voor je geld.”
So the placement of M within my world is the quarantee in order to feel secure although I have to compromise myself to remain within this placement b/c I fear loosing it.

09/05/10
Health &Compromise
How and why do I always give in when M brings the point in of health issues, being depressed?

So who is fooling who?
Who is controlling whom?
Who is directive principle here?

And for what and whom are you compromising to?
The fear of not taking him into consideration fear that you are making a mistake what’s at stake here? YOU and you alone and within this ALL
He’s deliberate in his deceit he sees and he excuses himself b/c of his health, which is valid point, but actually it isn’t. Why not? b/c he’s fooling himself.
He’s only wearing that thing during the night and during the day he wants to write about it, chuckle, chuckle bs
Why?
That’s a point of self-manipulation using this point again to use it to keep me off his back – to always make sure that he is in control that he doesn’t have to see how and what he has become in his very nature.
You see now -now you act
And yes the word health and what it triggers is a very ‘tricky’ point within you b/c that’s how you have been fooled and put aside and put on hold all your life that’s how your father manipulated you into compromising your self expression b/c you always had to be a guard first b/c of his emotional/mental state due to his depression and later on due to his physical status his heart attacks/hernia/etc. and then the circle was round. Him and his conditions was always first to consider and what he could take and handle seen his conditions and that was always a very convenient excuse to keep you out of his world. Out of his inner sphere out of zone of becoming intimate with him. He didn’t allow you or anyone else in and used his disease(s) as an excuse as a pardon that he wasn’t able to. When in fact he refused doing so he wasn’t even willing to let you in. That would have challenged everything of him and that he didn’t want to do.

You are looking here at the very same construct and you are compromising yourself, you allow yourself to compromise through the exact same construct- the exact same entry point HEALTH
Health has been programmed into you as something you may not touch may not even question in another
Same with your sister when she got into psychoses during your childhood
Fuck tears
I didn’t know that it was intertwined and so deeply programmed within me
I don’t excuse myself for compromising myself within this point – I was aware of it, but did not have clarity in any way
Illness is something I may not even question and when its is an excuse that one is bringing up while not able to participate with me I accept and agree on it b/c it has been programmed into me from early childhood.
Illness (whether physically or mentally) is a legitimate excuse and is not to be questioned ever again – the being is placed in that condition through life/a higher source/karma/god and is now subject to it and by this I have no right to question the excuse for leaving me out in the equation. So I accept it as a fact, which I am subject to.

Have my writings been sufficient about self-compromise related to health? Yes
Do I have to gather more information? No
SF –yes
SCS –yes

SF
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone is using the excuse of their physical health
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to excuse the other person when they have a physical or mental illness
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to have been programmed to not question the excuse in any way
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone tells me that he’s/she’s depressed
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone is bringing the point of health issues in as a legitimate excuse of not being able to taken into consideration
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to always give in when another being tells me that he/she isn’t able to cope with the situation b/c of health issues
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to always compromise myself b/c the other one cant help oneself through the illness one is suffering from
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that a being is subject to health issues through an outer force bigger then me and therefore I shouldn’t question the excuse of the being of not being able to ‘handle’ the situation
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to make myself subject to another ones health conditions and therefore make us both subject to the belief that’s just how it is
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that some ones health disempowered ones to take into account when being with me
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that some one health discharges them for being accountable for their behaviour
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when being with my father when he got depressed, and got serious health issues
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that when a being suffers form mental or physical health problems I am not entitled to ask the being anything b/c the health issue is always the main priority to take care of and therefore give in to thoughts as health issues are bigger then me.
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that a being is subject to heath problems and therefore
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I have no right to question a sick person behaviour b/c the person can not held accountable b/c the person has been placed in that position and didn’t asked for that position so I am not entitled to move myself in any way but compromise towards the health issue and excuse the person for his behaviour towards me b/c of the persons illness.
And therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always compromise myself within excusing the beings behaviour b/c the being cant held accountable for its behaviour due to illness and therefore I disempower the opportunity to direct myself within the beings behaviour and me equally.

Behaviour that got nothing to do with the illness is excused as an outflow of the illness and therefore not to be questioned in any way and therefore I accept and allow such behaviour in the being and within me equally and now agree on that excuse as being a valid excuse b/c the being cant be held accountable for its actions/words b/c of the authority of the illness.

Geez that has screwed me big time since I was a kid
First my father he got depressed to such an extend that he had severe therapy and had to quit his job he couldn’t function anymore I was 5 or 6
After this, mental illness became a the big thing within our home
Then my sister got into a psychoses she almost died it was hectic and intense I was 12 years old
Then we all got counselling and everything, conflicts, fights always something we could fix through counselling
Then my mother died and we labelled her :mentality ill she couldn’t been held accountable for her actions – so forget about it- it was common to say- we couldn’t do anything about it
What a fucking mess and always Health issues no one could been held accountable for themselves b/c we were all mentally or physically ill and we all need counselling for our mental health to get healthy thus sane thus accountable for oneself.
Such deception

Corrective statement:
I do not accept and allow myself to compromise myself to agree on: when ‘Health issues’ either mentally or physically will be brought up as an excuse for ones behaviour and therefore one is being excused/not accountable for ones actions/words/deeds.
I see the excuse: don’t count me in due to health issues I cant be held accountable –and agree on this excuse and thus compromising myself equally with them.
This is not serving me and therefore I let it go.
Whenever I tend to go into it by only hearing words such as HEALTH, ILLNESS, DEPRESSION I flag point it and I let it go.
Ok that’s it

Is this session done? Yes
is my sf sufficient? Yes

it tested out to integrate this into a mind construct on relationships

2009 Self Love

1 August 2009

The promise of the first day of the month as something new has started, the illusion of something ‘new’, something fresh, something pure.

Which is not something new, fresh or pure in fact!

The first days of depression here, I can say that its depression. Referring back to B words that we all have to transcend, spitefulness, depression and relationship as the tree major points one must walk.

I experience depression very prominent lately and it’s quite extensively as well. It goes up and down or it’s not an up and down but an outflow of the self realisations and it becomes more and more difficult the more I expose myself to me, the more I allow myself to be and become intimate with myself, the more shit is being revealed as the extensive programming I live in fact without even being aware of it because I live this in actuality. You can’t see what you are, I never could really understand this. But I see that this is a fact and that I live this in fact that what I have become.

You can’t see what you are in fact what and who you have become in fact I realize if you would see and self realize this in one moment you would actually die from grieve and shame.

I always had this thought about myself that I was very aware of myself but I’m not this has been proven to me through writing consistently every day. By reading back my writings from the last two months I see that I’m continiously living the same cycle over and over again. Without even being aware of it, not seeing the whole of it and how I‘ve become this in fact and living this as me the actuality of me.
How can you possibly see that what you are living every day?

And yes when reading back I became depressed once more. This depression is quite an experience.

To such an extend that I lie down in my bed and embrace me crying because really there is nothing else to do there is no place I can go to ‘ease’ my self-created misery.

Points to consider:
When embracing me there was specifically a point to look at a point that I’ve been applying much self-forgiveness on already in writing.

Embracing me in as the source of:
Self- nurturing
Self- love
Being gentle with and as self
Holding self

These are points that lock into mother matrix and how I, all are fucked by our mothers and then fuck ourselves and all others as self and keep running the program. It actually doesn’t matter what kind of live you have had, in essence the same construct.

Within my live very prominent – I was adopted when I was four years old and could actually never understand why mothers leave their children, giving them away for others to raise. My adopted mother never showed any affection towards me, never at all she didn’t wanted me in her live.

Going back to my depression I was lying in bed when I came to a point that i wasn’t even able to cry I was just numbed out.
I was holding me: As self love, As self nurturing, As self being gentle with me.

And then I experienced a release I was actually able to hold me specifically within the above points for the first time and the next day I was laughing about it as unlashing self-enjoyment.

I’m all above definitions of what I was looking for already and fighting against myself all this time, I am all these points in fact here as me. No need to fight against this, so that was cool to stand as the following: Self- nurturing, Self-love,Self -gentleness, Holding self, all of me.

I actually never could hold myself as these points because I was conditioned by looking for these definitions ‘out there’ not even being aware of All of me here already it, how could I have known? I was always looking for someone giving it to me.

I realize that writing consistently on a daily basis is the foundation of getting the shit in front of you and allow yourself to see and realize how extensively this existence is fucked and how extensively we’re ingrained in this reality we call life. Its even more fucked up and then I realized it was

Looking at it from the perspective as a mother I now have to live this in fact here in and as the physical in every moment of breath to realize this and to live this in fact as me. The little ones are the trigger points always and now I have to stand even when I fall I get myself up.

I am gentleness as me in fact

I am love as me in fact

I hold me all of me here in fact

I embrace all of me here in fact as the living expression of me

Zina is seeing it clearly even pointing it out to me. “Now you’re angry mommy”
Lou is already slamming doors when copying me and saying “angry” boos, boos.

Yep the flower of life which has been removed and how I’ve been programmed and then after you become 28 your living it as you in fact deeper a deeper into it until you die. Until you have completely and totally abdicated to the system. People do not grow old gracefully oh no it’s horrific to be with old people to see what they’ve become to see a glimpse of the ‘future’ you.

Ok! I am Here standing and I have two beings I’m responsible for I made an agreement with myself to walk with them as me and I have to stand for them as Life as me and for all the children yet to come.