2011 More on Suppression

It has been a bit rough lately.
I also start seeing something else, yesterday I was crying and I was holding myself lying in bed, the tears were flowing and I couldn’t really understand what was going on b/c I rarely cry like that these days. I was holding myself tight, lying in a fetus position with my fingers crossed to contain myself here as the physical and tears were flowing.

I couldn’t really unravel it; it was quite a cool release from suppressed emotional/feeling bodies. This morning humiliation as experience was here for me to look at while opening up through writing and writing SF I started to cry even more I couldn’t stop.

I see that what is severely suppressed is contained within emotional bodies, resonating as such. These bodies are accepted thoughts lived into being; one cannot capture the words that have been creating such entities. Yet it controls one completely. So I walk back and this word humiliation came to surface, stepped forth as experience of self, which was suppressed within wordless emotional bodies/entities or however you want to name them.

It’s really like unwrapping myself, physically actually. Because It’s within the physical were the suppression is wrapped as it, I’ve become this as the physical.

While the physical is definitely supporting me ejecting the shit that shouldn’t be in it. I already walked such ejection of shit, rubbish that shouldn’t be there and I am still diffusing it; which almost becomes a natural thing that accompanies me. It will take time to get the unwanted stuff out.

Ok cool, I actually never have been writing it out as such.

2011 SF Self Suppression

  • Sf on suppressing the real experience within: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real, raw experience within in relation to m’s arrival back ‘home’
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear m’s return back ‘home’
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from this fear /this person, from the real raw experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from what I experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that I must strong and keep up face regardless of the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always must stand within every experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always have to be strong and up to the task
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny emotions of being hurt within me
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions of being hurt within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress my feelings
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I actually feel within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions as they arise
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my tears
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I experience myself in fights, arguments, backchat, cheatings, back stabbing
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the experience of myself in order to be able to survive within the system
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be strong
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being strong as suppressing the real emotions of being hurt within.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as bad
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define feelings as bad
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to categorise emotions and feelings as bad as a no- go area and therefore suppress them within myself.

2011 Wanting to be more than what is Real

So I can see how I have been trying the last couple of weeks to subtle manoeuvre myself to be more than the physical reality and it started to compound anger as well – so careful here because I can see how this is creating much friction and this will then be the layout of me towards the world and everything that enters my world – not cool!

Ok so the girls have been sick for the last couple of weeks. I actually never visited in such short time either a doctor or a dentist as the last couple of weeks. So being with them 24/7 is a story in itself when they’re sick it becomes quite a story-lol

I must then stop all the things I’m participating within, and reschedule everything at once. And here it started to become a bit ‘vague’ because I was juggling between: “I can do the things I must do versus  still be there for them.”

Nope! Time has proven this over and over again: – Can’t do, won’t work!

So today I said and applied: Ok! They’re sick and that’s what is here and that’s what I’m able and must direct. Its simply needs to be done! Trying to be more than what the physical reality in the moment requires is really stupidity in action. So therefore I stop and I let it go.

Ok that’s it for today

2011 How I assist myself when standing before a window of opportunity. Time looping or Correction – Process Support Writings

In my previous blog entry I have been writing about some layers as resistance, those are returning experiences of myself. It can actually be all kind of experiences such as fear of people, fear of speaking up etc.Points  which I simply can push myself through because I already prepared the way before me through writing opening up the construct the layout, who I am within it. So here I will share some pointers on how I practically walk such alignments.

Time looping:

Either one goes into an unnecessary experience through self compromise, giving into a ‘weakness’/personality trait /pattern that one is actually more than ready to take on and walk into correction, yet one still holds on to the old. Not yet pushing Self absolute into being, still doubts and mind/back – chat going on. Then one will go into a time loop, walk into an experience and then write ones SF again yet now not about the actual point but about not pushing oneself through the resistance. The longer one post-phone the actualization of ones re-alignment the more difficult it becomes. One will get to a point where one just don’t trust oneself anymore, same as with falling while quitting an addiction one have failed oneself just to many times. And from here each attempt to stop thus change oneself becomes more difficult. I have found within me that it can take a very long time before one readied oneself again to take the point on again.

Self-Correction:

Or one just walks through it in every given moment when the resistance as tiredness; sleepiness, procrastination, fear etc. presents itself. Stop, breath push and what assist me practically within such moments is to ask myself whether it’s worth it to make an experience out of the perceived wall of resistance. I am the one who decides whether I hold onto what I prefer or walk into and as Principle. So in essence showing myself that I am the one that choose to experience myself as tiredness; sleepiness; fear and so on and no one else. I decide how I experience myself, it’s either Yes or No, simple!

When or while walking through the resistance and more points are opening up that I didn’t yet realized or seen within me I flag-point it and go back to the drawing board again.

Prepare the way before yourself so you will be equipped the next time you face the same point again. Every window holds the key to change and so I expand on walking into understanding, realigning myself; which is a fascinating journey, as we all know by now!


2011 Mind Constructs – Walking Self Correction

Mind Constructs – Walking Self- Correction

I see that I’m still having an anxiety about going to sleep knowing and being determined to live what I agreed on living and stick to the decision. I don’t have to go into a personality play out I engage in every evening/night before sleeping. Staying up late doing all kind of things, being all wind up about really nothing. Playing out personality traits of being ‘Naughty’/‘Rebellious’ captivating Self within the play out because One can do so. Ok, I need to laugh! How ridiculous can one be in the way we allow ourselves to exist?

Ok, so

I have been living this automated point for years and I don’t know where I picked this up and whether it’s relevant for now to know the exact point of origin.

I see that I get restless when thinking about sleeping because I remind myself already around the early evening what I determined myself to do – namely go sleep at a certain time and getting up at a certain time without engaging in a Persona to ignite the energy that I create through acting out the Personality and then the outflow thereof. Acting out the Mind Construct, always getting up just a bit too late or oversleep, being hasty as the outflow of an energy addiction and from there enrol into a sequence of predictabilities within this specific Play out of a Mind Construct.

A mind Construct is thus releasing or building anxiety/tension concealed by a play out we call our ‘Daily Routine’ or ‘Our Lives’, or ‘Personalities’ or ‘Our Ways” or this is ‘Me’ or whatever we name it.

It really took me a while to distinguish all points in the totality of the play out of the mind construct and how I was acting it out. While I’m walking the re-alignment, other layers/dimensions open up to integrate into this specific mind construct of waking. I have found that working with mind construct and how it is designed one has the opportunity to walk through multiple layers/dimension of accepted constructs and start understanding a glimpse of how one engage and exist as Mind Constructs. And its is done when its done.

So what I observe within me- through the blank that has been now created by re-aligning specific Mind Constructs – I start experience a perception of a ‘missing’ feeling. I start feeling ‘incomplete’ without this specific energy and thus start projecting and compounding ‘disagreement’ unto other points/manifestations I come across within the same Mind Construct and this ignite so much friction that ‘I’ eventually ‘explode’. So stick to the breath!

S L O W   D O W N

It’s like walking out of an addiction or to be more accurate stopping an addiction and then just stick to the decision in every moment – and thus not replacing one addiction with another addiction.

Learn more about mind constructs: http://www.desteniiprocess.com

Explore the Universe: http://desteni.co.za

2010 Structural living of the word Justice II

So Ok

Another dimension opened up- while looking at the point justice and how I live this point as me.

When looking back – Yesterday at Z’s party a kid peed its pants. So I was comforting him saying that we all have sometimes an accident with peeing and so on. He was quite satisfied with the words, until another girl started to make comments that he peed his pants. I can see now in retrospective that I was entering the point of ‘Justice’ where I make sure that everyone in my world in my reality is treated ‘Fair’ in relation to ‘Unfair’. So a polarity construct where I ‘m not aware of and also haven’t find  ‘fault’ within its participation. Its automated as me I do not direct it, this point is directing me as a puppet on a string.

So not finding anything ‘wrong’ with me participating within it.It wasn’t even a question within my reality at least not from the perspective of its starting point nor the necessity of its alignment, the resonances has been pointing this system design out to me. ‘Justice’ from the perspective of ‘Fairness’ to remain ‘Sane’ and in ‘Control’. Ok! I can very well relate to this and also see and observed the play out of this system manifestation in action. I was aware of this construct existent within me yet I never questioned the origin point of it nor its re-alignment. I actually always got stuck in the question why I experienced this and not how I ended up in this version, and where, when etc..Its all about being able to ask the right questions.  Ok so,..

I also perceived being ‘Fair’ as a  high valued personality asset/highly appreciated personalty feature- uhum yeah.

Hmm questionable actually b/c when I look at it now, its starting point stems from consciousness of structure. so the accumulating effect of it serves the structure of consciousness.

Dictionary

Justice

justice |ˈjəstis|

noun

1 just behavior or treatment : a concern for justice, peace, and genuine respect for people.

• the quality of being fair and reasonable : the justice of his case.

• the administration of the law or authority in maintaining this : a tragic miscarriage of justice.

• ( Justice) the personification of justice, usually a blindfolded woman holding scales and a sword.

2 a judge or magistrate, in particular a judge of the supreme court of a country or state.

PHRASES

bring someone to justice arrest someone for a crime and ensure that they are tried in court.

do oneself justice perform as well as one is able to.

do someone/something justice (or do justice to someone/something) do, treat, or represent with due fairness or appreciation : the brief menu does not do justice to the food.

in justice to out of fairness to : I say this in justice to both of you.

rough justice see rough .

DERIVATIVES

justiceship |-ˌ sh ip| noun ( in sense 2).

ORIGIN late Old English iustise [administration of the law,] via Old French from Latin justitia, from justus (see just ).

Ok, I see this standing out:

From Latin ‘iustise’ administration of the law – ok justice is living by law by the written word – I also see how I exchanged equality the principle for the laws of consciousness by integrating into my reality/this world.

The symbol of justice is also a cool allegory a blindfolded woman holding scales, being blind for the polarity construct one is so mistakable holding as ‘justice’ and ‘fairness’. B/c the only thing that is ‘just’- which means ‘law’ or ‘right’- is what is within the equality equation.

So fascinating enough I always lived the words ‘Justice’& ‘Fairness’ measured through the laws within the structure of consciousness. And within this I made sure that everything and everyone was always treated ‘Fair’ and thus within the system manifestation of it. ‘Justifiable’ through reason from the starting point that every thing/point within my world had to be ‘fair’. So situations/ people within my world were always measured by these standards and I started doing this already from a very early age. Probably to gain and give me a fake pillar of support within the structure to hold on to as the last point that could give me  some sanity/fairness within my world. Yeah, other wise I would have lost my sanity or to be more specific I was afraid of loosing my sanity within my world by loosing control of my world and its structure- lol

Sanity originates from Latin – so that means health as well. So this construct which I lived ‘Sanity’ through was preventing me from loosing control thus from going insane.

Sanity – insanity

Memory: I remember being a child going into absolute anger and the experience of unfairness when people didn’t what they said they would do. My sister canceled her promise/ appointment with me and I went into such anger and such agony/rage and experienced ‘Unfairness’ in my bones. The sense of being powerless to such things b/c spoken words seemingly wasn’t law. And probably I already started to design myself into this specific set of words and living through them already ‘working’ on and designing my sense of ‘Sanity’ and thus ‘Control’ to keep a sense of ‘stability’ within the structure.  So to make sure I never experienced such within myself ever again to never feel Injustice again towards me and to make sure that no one would ever treat me unfair! From now on I would measure everything within my world through the law of ‘Justice’, to give me a sense of ‘Sanity’ in a insane world.

I also see that I couldn’t place this ‘Unfairness’ within my world at all – it was to ‘big’ to handle and none  could explain this construct to me or why people break a promise so basically why people in this world are not living the words they speak.

This to ‘big to handle’ has actually prevented me from looking right through the deception as well getting more clarity b/c I designed myself as such that I would never dare to question this design/construct other wise I would ‘loose’ my ‘sanity’ and thus my fake sense of ‘control’ within the structure- so basically I would loose myself within it.

And that actually happened when I started to study the material my ground was moving underneath me, yeah! B/c I actually saw/realised that my sense of ‘Justice’ wasn’t a real one – yet a fake one a make belief one, a structured one which didn’t entailed any substance anything real to it. It has shaken me quite a bit quite simulair as when I was working  specific customized excercise by the resonances. Holding food while preparing diner and how I ‘saw’ what fake life actually is all about. I experienced the expression of the food here as me. It was actually only after the resonances cross-reference chat and them pointing out to me that I must have been surprised how that excercise went I only then started seeing it-lol. And now when I’m writing about it I actually become aware that I didn’t get to a point of clarity nor did I have been writing about it that much b/c at that time about 2 months ago, my personal scenery did  changed so much that I wasn’t at a stable point to write that much and also wasnt really paying attention, not really slowing down- lol

So walking this point and expanding on it, how everything is structured as consciousness. And at the same time exploring this point through writing more as well.

So back to the words ‘Justice’-/’Fairness’-/ ‘Sanity’

So that’s it?

Nope seriously this point I have become completely and utterly without even knowing what the fuck I am participating within. So what I have stated and observed before is that within everything I participate within/observe/see I measure on the scales of ‘Justice’ so that’s what I automated to do. Why? B/c that’s how I programmed myself so I need to de-engineer it again.

Its playing out within my relationships actually with everything and all in this world, my reality. So I am always balancing this out. Always looking for that perfect spot to make sure everything is how I want it to be within this mind manifestation construct to remain in control of my world. Ok so an other dimension opened up as well namely the point of my allocation- point within the system related to my adoption.

While seeing the correlation  I got pissed off and I had tears in my eyes of release and anger.

So what did I see? So how does this equate to each other? I mean I saw that those two points are intertwined  through the unfairness of the ‘situation’- the adoption story= the information I was holding as such. This story always instigated a sense of ‘Justice’ in people, as in “The world shouldn’t be like this”. Yet there is a certain ‘Fairness’ within our system and this ‘fairness’ is the ‘saving’ grace of humanity because see fairness exist within the hearts of men, we are inherent good. Adoption exist so that is the ‘Fairness’ of the system. Balancing out the equation of the law of consciousness. You loose some you win some but justice will always win and fair play will always prevail- such fools we are.

Bringing all of the point Here, so  ‘Justice’ within the system. We have laws the written word we can now be treated and treat each other  fair and been hold accountable for one actions when e.g. injustice has done to each other. We can turn to the written words, the written laws of this world. Now there are always certain situation that are seen as ‘unfair’ and inequitable. Children and especially abandonded children is a sensitive entry/trigger point for the hearts of men it will ignite the construct manifestation design of ‘Justice/injustice  and – fair/unfair .The  Laws of the ‘heart’ of men the so called good inherent nature of men kind will reign. One will pay off ones guilt through participating in the construct of ‘Fairness’ it will  prevail above the Equality Equation . Fairness and Justice are men made to cover up the real situation at hand, why even create and ‘live’ through these words that are Empty shelves to hide behind words. Information constructed to deliberately blindfold ourselves of the truth? To make sure we will not Empower the child that is dying and in need of care, nor Empower our neighbour for the betterment of All. No preference will prevail ‘Justice’ and ‘Fairness’ will prevail instead of empowering everyone equally! No more this will end as we are creating a new world re-aligning our  starting point in the best interest of All that will empower the social weak and fore most the children that will come to this world.

So, probably that’s how I stand/stood  as, my allocation point within the grid.  ‘Justice’/ ‘Injustice’ -/ ‘Fair’/’Unfair’ looping in and as the polarity play out of this point. Already through and as the placement of me within the system by ‘even’ thinking of the adoption by telling the story about it, always feeding the construct- the structural design of it. By living through the definitions of ‘Fairness’ and ‘Justice’ feeding it and making sure that I remained and everyone else within it.I engineered the structural point as  the physical without any understanding, awareness of it existence in any way nor its purpose.

So re-alignment is required.

Fascinating really!

More on this later

2009 Here & There

there is here as me

There is not there as me its here as me

I do not have to go there its already here as me

There is here as me