2011 Unwrapping Self-Suppression


Wrap sounds like crap – lol

Underneath anger, rage and embarrassment within me, the real experience lies dormant, which I didn’t yet allowed myself to embrace as part of me. While walking the TL of a Mind Construct a window of opportunity opens up to go to the core of the suppressed slumbering real experience of oneself that’s so tightly wrapped up as more ‘acceptable’/’suitable’ expressions such as anger and irritation.

While walking Time Lines, which is part of Mind Construct within the SRA course, one is slowing oneself down to walk through memories as the actual participant and so opening oneself up. While doing so I see an energetic ‘wall’ which is the resistance, I walk through it to be able to go to the core of the real experience of self that opens up the suppressed experience such as: Feeling less than, Feeling inferior, Feeling unequal.

Experiences such as being inferior/unequal/less than is not a good thing so I deem it as ‘bad’, and must be immediately suppressed

I start opening up more getting and becoming more comfortable with what is here as experience as me while taking this ‘in’. I experience a shock an electrical shock of waking up to the real experience of self; which is through walking the layout of the Mind Constructs within the SRA-Course showing its Real face. Simultaneously while walking through it, opening up I experience a physical relief.
I’m amazed actually in disbelief how something so simple could have lie dormant right in front of my eyes without being able to break through the boundaries of the control.

Self, in –to- me- I- see, becoming familiar with me, getting to know me! Self first!
So this is self-intimacy in actual application, allowing myself to see beyond anger, rage, irritation, to allow myself to surface the suppressed experience. To allow myself to see that I experience feelings such as: being hurt, inferior, embarrassment, feel less and so on it exist within me and its ok to see this part of me which doesn’t imply that its acceptable– lol
It’s here for realignment, a window of opportunity so I can stop the automated suppression of categorised bad experiences of myself.
When did this automated self-suppression become an habitual coping mechanism in the first place?

Ok, Cool!
It’s not that bad – lol

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2011 Back Chat within Creates without

I started a back-chat diary

w o w

That’s in fact revealing and dirty to say the least, all that severely hurts me within others behavior which always led to self compromise because I couldn’t  ‘stand’ within it exist within me as well.

So I bring it all back to self Here after I got possessed by anger towards a person. Took me a day to get this starting point straight again, sometimes I still try to convince if maybe, possibly, someone else is to blame for my experience – lol  – can’t do. This anger outburst of mine I can see  clearly now created through firstly fear towards seeing this person agin and while seeing this person again while talking together it became anger fed by allowed back chat which I can see is part of a suppressed unresolved part of me, not yet faced shit. I see clearly that I wasn’t directing me immediately in the moment when the fear was here within me  and I actually allowed to become petrified and that led to anger. My mis take.

The back chat that’s the most revealing is the one that is instantaneously simultaneously manifested while observing/participating within my world/reality . I can clearly see that it always accompanies a feeling, holds information.

Those, the immediate back-chats are the ones that are holding hidden self definitions, those I want to hold on to. The automation of the back-chat is indicative of these personality traits through simply observing/hearing the back chats while participating within my world/reality.

Kind of ugly shit – especially knowing that all exist within such ugly shit! If the back-chat would be revealed in one moment when talking to each other we would through the nastiness of it go insane or be in severe trouble by the ugliness of it.Probably we would smack each others heads. Back-chat the outflow of the principle of destruction to keep one firmly seated within ones Ego. This destruction is what we are living into being, the manifested consequence which is this world/ this reality.

Ok, so I got slightly depressed and severely shocked by the existence of the ugliness within me, the pile of ugliness is endless there seems to be always more, which is nothing else than waking up to the extend of the fuckedness of ones existence, alright, so I can’t stay within such allowed state for too long.

I’ve been creating the ugliness myself, Ok, so I push myself so I can stop myself and learn from the soft voices in my head; which is rather loud in its demands for winning and its call for destruction.Everyone’s backchat is as ugly as mine its real nasty shit. I will investigate my back chat, time to get the nasty shit out.

Back chat diaries the real secret within

2011 The Era of Eros-Desire as Addiction

I Perceive and experience Sweetness as the point of self nurturing through a construct within the structure. I ‘lose’ myself within this specific experience as perceived sweetness.

This point is automated as me I did not yet walked this point into clarity it has multiple dimensions/layers to it.

When shopping yesterday I observed how I was automatically drifting off through projecting automated wants/needs/desires for a relationship. This is part of desiring a relationship being automated and addicted to participate within these projections, pertaining wants, needs, fantasies, projections and what not.

How is it being ignited? Among things Through walking in my world/reality automatically locking into pictures, graphics, symbols and from there automatically spiral into a mind construct of desire or more accurately a possession of mind.

So I actually start becoming aware of how I now utilise pictures, graphics, symbols to ignite wants and needs and so on to generate energy – something to participate within. It could actually have been anything. Yet at this stage most prominently is desire.

I ‘enjoy’ experiencing myself as such, I am addicted to this perceived experience of myself. I have given it high value and importance to experience myself within this perceived experience of self. I’m addicted to it a junk, actually nothing beats this experience- not sex; masturbation nor drugs. It’s within this allowance and drifting off to projections of me ‘there’, because it pertains hope and a future that will never be lived.

The whole construct and me participation within it is irrational and I use reason, logic to justify my participation and thus not acceptable. I can’t accept not to trust myself within this point. I didn’t yet opened this point up and I will through writing and walking it, to get to the nitty- gritty of it, all cards on the table.

Getting to know me, before I am off to ‘someone’ out ‘there’ again to distract myself from what is real.

I don’t give a fuck about another person within the above construct because I want what I want and the person is only placed within this position to keep the construct in place. Even when one is in a relationship one is exercising within it- someone out ‘there’ to dream about, to linger for to drift off to projections and shit like that.

So its not even to be off to someone again – the other doesn’t even exist that person only exist within my head. Actually only within a closed boxed where I then locked into, all of me contained within a box of projections,fantasies, ideas and so on.

The thing is I didn’t yet consider nor saw all implications of my individual participation and how this is the fore stage/fore play of ending up married with children, and isn’t this exactly what we are all from a very early age desire? To end up with someone either looking for an ultimate sexual experience or what ever we make up within our irrational reasoning to chase who ever we want what ever we want whenever we want no matter the consequences of our actions.

Dangerous shit when you don’t know where you are dealing with and not know who you are within it what you do, and really completely unnecessary!

This is how we bring children into being.

This starting point is fucked up and we must change and de-engineer ourselves, no parent wants to bring this about yet we’re all living it into being by simple participating within the ‘smallest’ point of desiring to be with someone.

Desire should be on the list of mental disorders – those who ‘suffer’ from such mental disorder cant be trusted with Life.

I can tell cause I have been such person myself the thing is that whether the world is burning or not you actually don’t give a fuck because you are trapped within the Era of Eros and grateful for what actually? That you found what actually? That you are married with children and now what? That you have sex on a regular basis, that you have a steady relationship?  I mean WTF, how many people ‘cheat’ on their partner? how many people leave their partner to get something ‘better’ in return. I mean that in itself should already show how fucked up this chase for such perceived experience is. To desire such a thing because in actuality  it doesn’t exist it only exist within ones head and the rawness of the physical reality will never meet that whats inside your head and you will freaking fucking never be satisfied because within the Eara of Eros such a point doesn’t exist within the physical reality.Thats the factuality of it.

Time to get Real:

Show the way to be the way and live the way into being for the children and the children yet to come

http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

2011 Judgement as Fear

I see hastiness as experience within me a constant need to engage myself within ‘it’ and I blame participating with ‘others’ for this, it’s slight yet its there. I can see how it emerges within me. It’s a point of blame so within this I don’t take an absolute stand within taking self-responsibility for my own experience. Fear, I fear that I will not stand within my surroundings/environment.

It’s like walking my process once again now to expand it into the ‘outer world’ – I mean if I cant stand within the world matrix the stance is not yet actualised as an absolute.

It’s a process

Points to look at/take on:

Fearing Energy and how I place this within my reality as the matrix of morality that is ‘attached’ to it.

I categorise energy as bad I always did I actually do not know where it stems from I have been looking at this point for some time now and I know that the answer will step forth while walking the question even if it takes years.

I live this fear as me, I start to observe that whenever I observe energy coming up within me or others I actually already live in fear and within this I’m already automated locked into and existing within/as this limitation point.

So how to walk through it? What I have found the most effective is to actually correct self in real time and space. This observation also seems to be more articulated since some time. So I start seeing it very clearly almost crystal clear.

Another point which I also start observing is that there is not such a thing as good energy – lol sound very obvious yet when living it, its something different

So good, cool nice energy or that what makes me feel comfortable especially in relation to people is NOT EXISTING IN FACT – lol Because I see that the source of all information and thus energy traits is the same, its of the MCS system.

When I look at judgement and how I deem some particular interactions as bad and thus I deem certain stored information and how I experience this as bad. I stored this as not nice, bad, shitty experience of self also because I couldn’t place it within my world/reality.

Ok the above makes sense didn’t yet saw it from this perspective.

So this particular energy became something to avoid, and certain people who I deem as fake, yet in essence true because they ignited that physical sensation within me – probably as a child more as a one and equal standing with other seeing and observing the system manifestation within aDults and how they presented themselves. Ok that makes sense, makes a lot of sense.

So now I stored this energy through observation within the bad category and it will ‘come out’ as judgement towards certain people, yet in essence its FEAR of this energy.

So that takes me to another answer or perspective me living within the old ways and creating a extreme high in existing within the positive energy when it came to experienced perception of self, positive vibes and so on. ‘I’ was an absolute positive energy junk.

Yet I also realised and seen within me that All energy and how we are participating within it is a destroying power not only the ‘bad’ the ‘good’ equally alike.

So to fear Energy is not making any sense, its irrational.

So Fear as judgment doesn’t make any sense.

I’ve been correcting this point in multiple layers and I couldn’t have been de- engineering myself as such without extensive support and I know now that I am more than capable of walking this point into re-alignment.

Yet this layer I haven’t seen yet in clarity.

So I will direct this point into a living application and whenever especially when I want to run away when around others, deem especially certain kinds of interaction as ‘bad’ yet hidden within a judgment about people, certain kind of people.

When I get tired after interaction with others

When I get sleepy as in the perceived experience of self, surfacing as “interaction with others is too much” in relation to certain people.

I will myself to look into it immediately without delay and expose to myself where I walk away from myself, within not allowing myself an absolute standing.

I’m aware of the construct Fearing Energy I judge it.  I wasn’t yet giving this  to myself. Meaning I wasn’t yet able to say ok, its ok to see that this is part of me this extensive fear,petrifying fear as judgement.

So for practical support

I will myself to walk into a living application to stand one and equal as it comes to this specific energy I fear. I will expand on the application that I live with and as my kids. Breathe, stand, walk, breathe in – out, walk, Self Forgive, in Self honesty, breathe by breathe until it stands, yes it can be done.

I will also do this whenever I am with the package M&M, ‘take it in’ because yeah there is still a resistance point of “oh no not this again” a fight modus so I will utilise this application because I have found that irritation and annoyance about others is actually many times Fear. Fear of not being able to stand within what one is irritated and annoyed about and this eventually leads to judgement.

All right,

That’s it for now!

2010 From knowledge to corrective application immediate in the moment – NO DELAY

automation to application – learning a new skill

I realize that the ‘layer’ where I am looking at I have suppressed extensively within me. And that’s the bold actuality of the real me – that what I didn’t yet wanted to see into clarity into pulling the point completely through into taking REAL note of the point which I already was seeing. This is unacceptable and must be clarified, how and why, where, when, what. Or immediate go into corrective application I know that I can walk this.

Instead of ‘figuring’ everything out which is delaying in time and given myself a choice in essence thus deception subtle self-manipulation

Its what I see as knowledge but now I need to pull it through to the point of immediately living seeing/knowledge into corrective application.  Delay the time between corrective actions and seeing and make this immediate in the moment here equal and one

What assist as well is to consider equal and one the kids and me in every moment and what is in the moment what serves the greater good that what we us must manifest as such what we walk into creation. That’s what assists me to consider them to take them in as me as the expansion of me and from there speak, act, walk, breath

2009 Fear of Public Humiliation


Monday 3 August 2009

Fear of Public Humiliation, I experienced this quite a bit, extensively I must say.
First time I was getting really aware of it was when I planned to go to the farm: “What would others think of me as a mother?” Fear of public judgment, embarrassment.

Now being here at the campground: What would the neighbours think of me when I’m so pissed off when the kids are awake at 4 o’clock  in the morning and stay awake for 2 hours and, or when Zina is waking Lou up in the middle of the night and me being utterly irritated by it, being utterly ashamed that they may have overheard me talking to the kids to shut up and that they need to go back to sleep.

DO I remain here as breathe? Oh no I get irritated I want to sleep!
And then it creeps in:
-Who did hear me?
-Who will judge me?
-What will the neighbours think of me?

It’s so silent here someone must have heard me being irritated, saying: “shut the fuck up, omfg I’m so embarrassed.”

Same with C, When I cried in front of her this is already almost 2 years ago and still do I feel shame that I cried and showed my utter despair towards her. Similiar point: Fear and being ashamed of showing myself in Public.

Two days ago the thought of me being spiteful about a post that I made in the past towards a persons in my words was spite and I know it and I know that others saw that already during that time and there it is. Being exposed and humiliated publicly That’s the core of this specific point being embarrassment through exposure. I want to explain myself, explain  my behaviour in terms of: “I can’t just help myself! It’s bigger then me! Its to big to handle! I cant help myself. Please I want you to understand so that you wont judge me.”

Never been aware of this fear within me its more a point of being exposed and fear of being PUBLICLY HUMILIATED. Fear of Public judgment because of it.

Thoughts come up as:

“Please understand me, I’m not a bad parent.”
“Someone could call the children/family care office and report me as a bad parent and take my kids away.” Irrational stuff.
“Every body sees that what I’m hiding, I’m exposed and being executed for it in public”
Very deeply ingrained ‘I’rrational stuff.