2011 Back Chat within Creates without

I started a back-chat diary

w o w

That’s in fact revealing and dirty to say the least, all that severely hurts me within others behavior which always led to self compromise because I couldn’t  ‘stand’ within it exist within me as well.

So I bring it all back to self Here after I got possessed by anger towards a person. Took me a day to get this starting point straight again, sometimes I still try to convince if maybe, possibly, someone else is to blame for my experience – lol  – can’t do. This anger outburst of mine I can see  clearly now created through firstly fear towards seeing this person agin and while seeing this person again while talking together it became anger fed by allowed back chat which I can see is part of a suppressed unresolved part of me, not yet faced shit. I see clearly that I wasn’t directing me immediately in the moment when the fear was here within me  and I actually allowed to become petrified and that led to anger. My mis take.

The back chat that’s the most revealing is the one that is instantaneously simultaneously manifested while observing/participating within my world/reality . I can clearly see that it always accompanies a feeling, holds information.

Those, the immediate back-chats are the ones that are holding hidden self definitions, those I want to hold on to. The automation of the back-chat is indicative of these personality traits through simply observing/hearing the back chats while participating within my world/reality.

Kind of ugly shit – especially knowing that all exist within such ugly shit! If the back-chat would be revealed in one moment when talking to each other we would through the nastiness of it go insane or be in severe trouble by the ugliness of it.Probably we would smack each others heads. Back-chat the outflow of the principle of destruction to keep one firmly seated within ones Ego. This destruction is what we are living into being, the manifested consequence which is this world/ this reality.

Ok, so I got slightly depressed and severely shocked by the existence of the ugliness within me, the pile of ugliness is endless there seems to be always more, which is nothing else than waking up to the extend of the fuckedness of ones existence, alright, so I can’t stay within such allowed state for too long.

I’ve been creating the ugliness myself, Ok, so I push myself so I can stop myself and learn from the soft voices in my head; which is rather loud in its demands for winning and its call for destruction.Everyone’s backchat is as ugly as mine its real nasty shit. I will investigate my back chat, time to get the nasty shit out.

Back chat diaries the real secret within

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2009 adoption experience

Re-reading my SF lines I see that my whole experience of myself, the ‘me’ that is automated is definitely shaped through this experience of being an adoptee.

images-1

I also see that I have ingrained and infused with all self-definitions, perceptions and ideas I have and had about adoption and live now in actuality

Feelings of being lost

Feeling abandoned

Feelings of not being part of the whole

Feelings of being doomed

Finding a reason a purpose why I had to go through this experience

Believing in a god out there

Believing in a big plan and so on

I don’t particularly like writing and digging into it at all, I really have to push myself to allocate and identify these self-definition points within myself related to my adoption. To address them to allocate them is self supporting self! It’s an allocation/identifying exercise for myself

I recently had this experience of myself were I was walking in town and suddenly it ‘came over me’ this feeling of being utterly lost. I see that it all stems from my adoption experience and how I shaped it into this version of myself I am currently living as ‘me’. This feeling of ‘being lost’ is not even directly related to a thought of being adopted oh no it has become an imprint I resonate it as me. ‘Activated’ throughanything a picture, a symbol, without even being able to catch the trigger point.

I specifically relate it back to being an adoptee and how my parents, my sphere of influence showed me the ability to respond to this event through the input like answers to questions about my adoption experience, by observing this world towards my adoption experience and so on and adapted and adopeted  this input as me

2009 Mother,Motherhood and Self-definitions

Motherhood& self-definitions

Looking into motherhood and self definitions

Self- nurturing

Nurturing self when realized that nurturing can only come from self so nurturing is always self-nurturing

In feelings and experiences of not being nurtured enough or wanting to be nurtured by others this specific self definition point shows me what is not yet embraced as me which always brings you back to how you  experienced  yourself around your mother and the outflows thereof. Meaning how you specifically designed yourself through this self-definition point.

In bringing this back to self to embrace nurturing as you, you become it as you here

Self love

Love is actually a self definition that I lived specifically desired form my mother as following: wanting to be hold, held by others mainly my mother in bringing this self- definition of love back home to me as me holding self I’m becoming love in fact here as me

Embracing me as Love here

Being hold

As a desire, which derives from love, which is a desire, everyone, is living, everyone wants to be held by their parents especially by their mothers.

In this I realize that I’m only able to hold me as me here to embrace this rage inside that I haven’t been hold by my mother in any way whatsoever

In bringing it back to me -holding me unconditionally as me I bring it here as me

Embracing and holding me

The image that pops up with holding myself is that I hold everything here in me as me I don’t hold it as I hold a baby in my arms,no

I hold it here as me

Not there as me but here as me

In holding me all comes together, all self definitions comes together all ‘out there’ is coming together here as me

I walk and bring these self-definition points that are related to these specific experiences of myself when being a child and being a mother myself back here as me to become whole again.

TRUST (Feelings of safety)

Feelings of wanting to be safe as a baby in a womb this I can also relate back to being hold, but to be more specific I want to trust her,  which  in essence deriving from  Self-trust

 

In this I find another point that is very prominent, I’ve never been able to hold my mother as me as described above in these specific self definitions points

–       nurturing

–       love

–       holding

–       Trust

I breath in and hold my mother as me, unconditionally here as me

holding the breath I’m here

In the out breath I let go of all my self-definition points related to my mother and all outflows thereof

Holding the breath I’m here

When I see any wavering still dormant within me I know that I still hold on to self-definition points, suffering and pain

I breath in and hold her as me unconditionally here as me

Its fascinating that all we desire from our mothers what we’re not able to GIVE to ourselves we only want to Take this from others

the solution is so simple  in front of our eyes

I cant be more grateful for the children in my live, they showed me what Life is all about. Unconditionally embracing All which means unconditionally embracing all without memory or expectations without any desire for an outcome

And yet I find myself being all what I cant GIVE and want to take,

mom please forgive me

I admit guilt It was me It was always me in all ways

I forgive myself

2009 Failure and Falling and Moving on

“So I fucked up, I failed  I ‘missed’ the opportunity to transcend this specific point”
Points to ponder by B: “Do not define self by fuckups and failures”


Ok this I see is a trap as well failure as a self- definition point which contains of thoughts like: “I am a failure” ; “I always fuck up!”

Self Corrective statements:
When I fail I realize  who I am, I’m not defined through it.
When I Fuck up I allow myself to realize how I exist, I’m not defined by it.

2009 Fear of Public Humiliation


Monday 3 August 2009

Fear of Public Humiliation, I experienced this quite a bit, extensively I must say.
First time I was getting really aware of it was when I planned to go to the farm: “What would others think of me as a mother?” Fear of public judgment, embarrassment.

Now being here at the campground: What would the neighbours think of me when I’m so pissed off when the kids are awake at 4 o’clock  in the morning and stay awake for 2 hours and, or when Zina is waking Lou up in the middle of the night and me being utterly irritated by it, being utterly ashamed that they may have overheard me talking to the kids to shut up and that they need to go back to sleep.

DO I remain here as breathe? Oh no I get irritated I want to sleep!
And then it creeps in:
-Who did hear me?
-Who will judge me?
-What will the neighbours think of me?

It’s so silent here someone must have heard me being irritated, saying: “shut the fuck up, omfg I’m so embarrassed.”

Same with C, When I cried in front of her this is already almost 2 years ago and still do I feel shame that I cried and showed my utter despair towards her. Similiar point: Fear and being ashamed of showing myself in Public.

Two days ago the thought of me being spiteful about a post that I made in the past towards a persons in my words was spite and I know it and I know that others saw that already during that time and there it is. Being exposed and humiliated publicly That’s the core of this specific point being embarrassment through exposure. I want to explain myself, explain  my behaviour in terms of: “I can’t just help myself! It’s bigger then me! Its to big to handle! I cant help myself. Please I want you to understand so that you wont judge me.”

Never been aware of this fear within me its more a point of being exposed and fear of being PUBLICLY HUMILIATED. Fear of Public judgment because of it.

Thoughts come up as:

“Please understand me, I’m not a bad parent.”
“Someone could call the children/family care office and report me as a bad parent and take my kids away.” Irrational stuff.
“Every body sees that what I’m hiding, I’m exposed and being executed for it in public”
Very deeply ingrained ‘I’rrational stuff.