2011 Closure

So ok I, it must come to a closure so I will.
The last period has actually been a pause moment a ‘in between phase ‘ this will now come to an end.
There is not so much to say about it, what must be done must be done what must be walked must be walked
and must be walked one step at the time.
I can’t be more or direct more than what I’m able to handle in one breath.

Ok, so let’s do it.

will be continued….


2011 Closing Doors

The future prospect of fucking up again and walking into the same time loop is not preferable, so time to get Real.
And thus: Stay Real! And Be Physical!

So where am I at? And what is Here for me to walk?
Finding myself again Standing face to face with the manifested consequences= Money=Self. Standing in front of this part of me where coping mechanisms patterns starts emerging; which is here once again for me to see and realize a window of opportunity to unravel the totality of the whole pattern. So I can sort it out to not allow myself to walk into unnecessary time loops/experiences again.

Patterns as reactions towards this point:
Sadness as in: “Oh freaking shit no, I can’t handle it” yet suppressed as resonance ‘experience’ I have become this point in its totality. So no need for thoughts to accompany the experience, that’s how one could describe the resonances, patterns that are ‘thoughtless’ yet directive as principle.
Tiredness and sleepiness are indicative of the suppressed state of this point; I actually immediately wanted to sleep as it emerged yet instead I took a bath with the girls, which was great fun-lol.

“Oh no I cant handle this” needs more introspection, it’s a point of self defeat and sabotaging the point of standing all one which also is linked to the matrix of self nurturing that I’m still walking into awareness. I will dig deeper into this write this out into specificity in what I currently see and understand.

Running away: ‘Sneaking’ off to self -created back doors. Running away from walking/ facing the real experience of self, which is suppressed as the accepted habitual nature, tempting and automated to run away again from the real experience specifically related to this point. I see thoughts as back chat coming up yet very slight, it emerges to run off to someone, anything ‘better’ than facing this point head on.
Point of Self- intimacy, who am I as pattern?

I allow myself to remain Here, Solid within me, whole safe, Secure, Comfortable, Strong as Strength anchored in and as the physical walking every moment of and as Here as self commitment as me.

So actually cool! I can from here unravel the pattern, slow it down to root it out
Time to close Doors, simple!

2011 Mothers Children and Health Care


In our world today nearly 11 million children under the age of 5 die in the world every year – well over 1,200 every hour most from easily preventable or treatable causes.

Fucked up and totally unnecessary.

When one of my kids is in pain, injured or ill, I’ll try to make them better, see a doctor, get a perspective so that the kids are able to get the required treatment and its done. I would get extensively stressed when I’m not able to solve it.

All mothers want to do exactly what I am doing, getting help for their children. Millions of mothers are not within that position. Just a simple act of care which is denied to millions of mothers and thus to their children. Medical care is a Basic Human Right, every one should have access to Free Health Care. It shouldn’t be something you have to earn or to fight for, no, it must be Given simply because we’re in this world.

Equal money will root out such allowed atrocities- in the name off free market and capitalism -to exist

2011 Meditation silence your Ability to change for Real

When I was ‘into’ yoga and meditation I always heard the phrase: “Let go!” I got to a point where I concluded that I didn’t understood what I had to let go off and furthermore how to let go. Sitting in the meditation classroom I was looking around; everyone sitting still -including me -being in a deep hypnotic state because really what else can it be then a conditioned state of being where you silence the mind for a moment, – balance yourself in a place in the middle – before you go ‘back’ to the old ways and become the same person as you were before. That’s how I experienced myself after meditation, never being able to hold onto this perceived silence of mind.

I was kind of leaning towards a point of addiction to sit ‘still’, trying to get into a state of trance/hypnosis or perceived silence. To have a sense of ‘I’ am doing ‘Good’; ‘I’ am Caring ‘I’am ‘Love’; ‘I’am Light; ‘I’am ‘Bliss’; ‘I’am ‘United’ ‘I’am ‘Silence’; ‘I’am ‘Infinite’; ‘I’am ‘Spirit’ and more of such ‘enlightened’ symbols that meditation carries. I actually never knew WTF I was busy with yet it gave me a sense of ‘doing something good in unity’ and a sense of  ‘serenity’.

“Yoga stills the fluctuation of the mind” Pantanjali Yoga sutra’s 1.2

The rise and fall of flow of thoughts, feelings and emotions and the quest of silencing this ‘flow’ can’t be walked if one doesn’t yet understand, nor investigate the ‘fluctuation’ as thoughts, feelings and emotions in its totality. The raw truth of our physical actions as the rise and fall of flow as thoughts, feelings and emotion is what we have become and live. The inherent urge to silence the mind this automated stream of thoughts, feelings and emotions shows us that we aren’t the ones in Control. It shows us by wanting ‘silence’ and ‘peace of mind’ that we perceive something disturbing and wrong within the constant stream of the mind as experience. Meditation then becomes trying to silence the mind thus to control the constant stream without knowing what you are dealing with.


Yoga is mediation in action

Within the above perspective given on “Yoga stills the fluctuation of the mind” you can revisit the phrase: “Yoga is mediation in action” and see for yourself when forcing yourself into silence as a perceived physical action will eventually lead to friction and frustration and the suppressed parts of self will eventually express itself. It’s saying to a child: -“Sit still or Stop playing.” Impossible! It’s inherent within its nature to express it self. That’s a law within this reality! One should ask oneself what do we want to silence and why and how did we end up by wanting to silence this automated stream of thoughts,our inherent Human Nature is that we are controlled by the automated fluctuations of the mind.


My next step was looking at the term Ahimsa:

Ahimsa (Sanskrit: Devanagari; अहिंसा; IAST ahisā, Pāli: avihisā) is a term meaning to do no harm (literally: the avoidance of violence – himsa). It is an important tenet of the Indian religions (Hinduism, Buddhism and especially Jainism). Ahimsa means kindness and non-violence towards all living things including animals; it respects living beings as a unity, the belief that all living things are connected. Indian leader Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi strongly believed in this principle.[1] Avoidance of verbal and physical violence is also a part of this principle, although ahimsa recognizes self-defense when necessary, as a sign of a strong spirit. It is closely connected with the notion that all kinds of violence entail negative karmic consequences.

This terminology was ‘speaking’ to me because really: Who doesn’t want to be seen as the one that is doing no harm and is kind and non violence towards all living things?  Seems cool and promising to become and be such a person. I mean yeah it’s seen as good characteristics and highly valuated by all.

It seems so kind and loving and caring yet when having another look at what it actually practically physically entails. You will see how the above words only encompasses a state of being that contains thoughts/feelings and nothing of real substance that will give you any practical tools so you can utilize it to establish: Doing no Harm. Claiming such state of being: “Doing no Harm” with no practical tools given other then: -“Be love”; “Be light”; “Be Bliss”, “Be good”, “Be unity”; Be kindness; “Be non violent”. The total absence of any substantial practical tool that can be utilized by All to manifest Doing No Harm doesn’t makes sense. A hollow set of words without any substance/physicality to it.  ‘Ahimsa’ can only be real, when manifesting doing No Harm into being for All. Equal Money for All is such an Real act of doing no Harm. Become and live the words that have been scripted: “Do unto other what you would have them do unto you.” Simplicity – Be harm less.

It is easy and tempting to ‘fall’ for definitions such a promises and hope wrapped up in nice words within religion, new age and spirituality. We are All so lost that most of us look for solace in religion/spirituality or anything that can guide you to make sense out of our world/reality we’re living in.

We should ask ourselves whether our actions in the quest of “silencing the mind” are beneficial for All or only benefit ourselves, only bettering ourselves. We must include the physical reality of our world, and what the words we are living as definitions brings about practically, substantially as the manifested reality we are living in.

Being Silent is a physical action, walked into Being through real labor the tools that are pillars of support within walking being harmless are: -Self Forgiveness, Self Honesty, Self Corrective application, writing yourself to freedom and studying the principle of Oneness and Equality which is studying our world/this reality and thus how you as All came about.

Join us!

Learn more about these tools:


Learn more about our world/our reality


2010 Daily Writings – Educating my Children

Disciplining myself to sit with Z each day for one hour to do homework so we do the alphabet together and simple applied maths exercises. I have not yet disciplined myself to do it structurally on a daily basis, no exceptions no delay

I am confronted with bs inside its cool to see and observe myself and how I automatically act out parental design patterns.

It doesn’t comes ‘naturally’ to me to sit with her and to repeat the same over and over again. Fascinating to observe her, she starts yawning and  withdrawing. The lay out for the structural way of storing information is already in place.

Interesting to observe myself within irritation, impatience, annoyance, and hastiness. I actually feel ‘helplessnot adequate enough to teach her so anything that locks into”Not being able to do the task not being able to prepare a child for the world system to survive” I will push! To bring about change. To see how I exist and realign it accordingly as I have committed myself to do so.

I will also re-introduce working with the Desteni’s Vocabulary Purifier again . We have been working with it and that was quit cool, she got all the alphabet letters already when she was 4. Now she’s in school learning  through the educational system and I see that she is now stores information a bit ‘differently’ now she suddenly needs to think – lol

Well…. I got sloppy with my daily discipline- so here is where I stand.

So I will re-introduce home teaching again on top of her school work and I will do so until I am satisfied with her reading/mathematical skills so that’s what I have set for myself establishing this point of consistently within doing so.

So first week wasn’t that cool I tend to give up , something I didn’t expect from myself b/c I can be quite persisting in pushing. I have observed this pattern before  me not pushing it firmly enough, I ‘settle’ too ‘early’ and that was when z got potty trained I gave up to quickly, seems a simple point yet is shows how I am cycling in patterns.

So with L – the second time, second child  I stuck to it and just before I wanted to give in it worked out just fine. Lol

So now we are all satisfied by pushing it just gently yet firmly !

So the point of pushing it just a bit more when working with the kids to just go a bit beyond their and my comfort zone is something to practically walk through. I am in unknown waters here never done this before and while doings so I come up with the most inventive plays to integrate the pushing of what needs to be taugt. Actually its quite a lot of fun to study the basics with her. I mean she’s 5years old  and so willing and eager to learn she is quite satisfied being teached and getting to know the world around her.

She doesn’t want to grow old she said several times over the last weeks. – lol

Ok that’s about the daily discipline within educating her, getting the basics established.

Interestingly enough L is going so much faster I mean I establish it with Z ‘right’ then L is moving so much more effectively.

The little ones!!

they are doing quite fine! We are doing fine, I observe myself within  being with them sure not yet as an absolute standing still points to look at walk with/through realignments to be done yet the initial frantic almost hysterical experience of self within it all has been dissolved. It consisted of many layers I would say. So yeah time to walk this specific point of parental system manifestation into awareness and full understanding and from there its  re-alignment.

The structural living of this point hasn’t been yet here fully as the whole for me to see and understand in its totality.

I see that this is emerging within me to experience points  here to bring it here as the real actual structure of it, intensifying the Pattern and the play out even re-walk it when this brings clarity on how to realign it. There are currently some point that are heading towards this intensity. So will see..

Another point I am busy with

Must script a clear layout/ foundation for what I am practically going to spend my time on. Then I will script it and walk the stance into completion.

Discipline and actual structure within the structure needs direction, especially  b/c this point naturally isn’t within my structural design. lol Naturally I tend to ‘perform’ ‘good’ ‘peek’ under different conditions, so discipline must be established as an absolute standing

Its also the point of consistency, doing and repeating the same physical action that is required to bring the point into being. I know is the only way yet I must push the actual physical action every moment every day, every breathe.

So cool, clear

Eating Habits/Preference/Blood type Diet B

I have changed my diet/eating habits, so I ‘m only drinking low fat milk in my coffee it’s the only milk intake and that already has been a cool stabilizer physically. Took wheat out as well same effect and at the same time taking the sugar point on and started buying bread at the bio shop again. Real bread!

I actually dropped some time ago the whole point of eating healthy I used to be a freak about food, I had developed quite a food obsession and went into the polarity opposite as well eating very crappy and poor quality food and totally not being interested whether is was of any good for the body. Either side doesn’t makes sense.  So now I am prepared to walk the correction and eat food that my body assist and support as a pillar of support, nothing more nothing less. So no more preference yet eating as an actual support point for the body, simple expressing gratefulness

Ok that’s it for now

Oh and on sleeping it goes up and down there are nights that I am only sleeping 4 hours – so I am ‘dead’ when waking in the morning yet I feel so much more stable during the day.

2009 adoption experience

Re-reading my SF lines I see that my whole experience of myself, the ‘me’ that is automated is definitely shaped through this experience of being an adoptee.


I also see that I have ingrained and infused with all self-definitions, perceptions and ideas I have and had about adoption and live now in actuality

Feelings of being lost

Feeling abandoned

Feelings of not being part of the whole

Feelings of being doomed

Finding a reason a purpose why I had to go through this experience

Believing in a god out there

Believing in a big plan and so on

I don’t particularly like writing and digging into it at all, I really have to push myself to allocate and identify these self-definition points within myself related to my adoption. To address them to allocate them is self supporting self! It’s an allocation/identifying exercise for myself

I recently had this experience of myself were I was walking in town and suddenly it ‘came over me’ this feeling of being utterly lost. I see that it all stems from my adoption experience and how I shaped it into this version of myself I am currently living as ‘me’. This feeling of ‘being lost’ is not even directly related to a thought of being adopted oh no it has become an imprint I resonate it as me. ‘Activated’ throughanything a picture, a symbol, without even being able to catch the trigger point.

I specifically relate it back to being an adoptee and how my parents, my sphere of influence showed me the ability to respond to this event through the input like answers to questions about my adoption experience, by observing this world towards my adoption experience and so on and adapted and adopeted  this input as me

2009 Here & There

there is here as me

There is not there as me its here as me

I do not have to go there its already here as me

There is here as me