2011 SF Self Suppression

  • Sf on suppressing the real experience within: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real, raw experience within in relation to m’s arrival back ‘home’
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear m’s return back ‘home’
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from this fear /this person, from the real raw experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run away from what I experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assume that I must strong and keep up face regardless of the real experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always must stand within every experience within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always have to be strong and up to the task
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny emotions of being hurt within me
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions of being hurt within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress my feelings
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I actually feel within
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions as they arise
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my tears
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I experience myself in fights, arguments, backchat, cheatings, back stabbing
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the experience of myself in order to be able to survive within the system
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be strong
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being strong as suppressing the real emotions of being hurt within.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as bad
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define feelings as bad
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to categorise emotions and feelings as bad as a no- go area and therefore suppress them within myself.
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2010 Daily Writings – Standing Clear

Thursday 14 October 10

Waking

Woke up with the following: its not a self honest act of pushing the reducing of sleep to the max or in this case the minimum of 4  hrs when I’m actually not in the position to stretch it more. So I slow down and take it one step at the time until the point is standing. So being self honest about what one can do in every breath and what one is able to ‘handle’ in one breathe. So be self honest about where you stand and what you can take on and slow the fuck down and understand what is required to take on more – lol and live the required steps for being able to take it  on and whether this is at this stage an actual priority point. Just simple shit 😛

Burning eyes

I experience burning eyes and yes that’s related to giving up and believing that one is actually the perceptional experience of oneself giving into limitation.

Phone call/communicating

It was far to long and I experienced tiredness when I was speaking saying and repeating the same thing over and over again. Which was cool in essence to talk yet I was experiencing a heavyness me allowing myself to go with the energy that was clearly accessed within the communication.

So I have seen this before that when I communicate with M that I allow myself to go into  a physical reaction of the ‘high’ and living ‘through’ the structure of others. So basically that’s how I allow myself to go into it and follow such traits as they are real within the perceptional experience of oneself

So I see and understand how little actually changes b/c for significant change to manifest we must change with many for  its completion we all must change for real that’s the equality equation.  Yet it isn’t a justification for me not taking this point on and walk it while participating. So when I perceive the perceptional experience to be real I will feed the thoughts and fore mostly the energy that is generated and feed them through participating within them. Through attention! So to simple state delete and stop I don’t allow myself to go there I stabilize myself within the moment. Directing me here instead of following it through feeding it and giving the thought attention because I have seen the beginning and the end of it and the way my attention towards it will lead to.

Ok that’s clear this ‘temptation’ is presenting itself over and over again.

So this morning at school we all got started with the head louse issue again I brought it up to inform others about Z being all over with head louse. Interesting reaction people got into; interesting mind construct people/we access. So generally its perceived as me being very open about it – ok yet the point I want to communicate here is that I observed the following point:

The enegery high and rush from all, being so over the top that I cant hardly breath through it yet I see that I have been slowing down already. So I can be more of a stable point within myself which I cant yet say that I stand stable as this point as an absolute. These are the mind constructs manifestation one is participating within, the so called rods as has been explained.

And this is also permutates  my physical, I always get very tired when this happens like a immediately shut down. So shutting down, off is a signal of resistance these are the points where one must Will oneself to push through to Will oneself into being.

Simple

So it’s the breath that is stabilising myself within it, just silently walking such moments as breathe. Nothing to fear nothing to loose

Its already now that I almost can ‘touch’ these mind constructs its not ‘alive’ its constructed it has become very clear to me that this is so and that its operates in this manner.

Its also nothing ‘personal’ within it or anything of substance to follow at all – I realize that I am now looking at the physical experience of the mind construct manifestation around me the moment of interlocking into them when walking into a moment. So this repeats itself every day so every day I can test observe, which is cool its my testing ground where I stand, how I stand if I stand – lol

And most of all who I am within it.

So cool, ok clear

Slowing down within the breath silently walking the moment as me. Nothing to obtain, nothing to loose breathing here allowing myself to be silent, silence as me.

abuse:

When doing groceries last night someone was walking behind me he wanted to pass my back while standing in the queue in front of the cashier. So I moved to give him space.He then returned back saying I will lekker’stand next to you. I didn’t paid him much attention and didn’t turned to check this person out just said “Ok what you want”.

So when standing in the queue I placed my stuff on the band and I placed my basket on top of the stack that was already there. Apparently the basket wasn’t stacked properly and I heard Hey that’s not how it supposed to be stacked and I responded no it isn’t, is it? While doing the stacking thingy and simultaneously placing the groceries on the band. He looked at me and said well stack it properly – I was instantly reacting towards these words and his body language as well and said without giving it a second thought: “Hey calm down”

Then the air started moving so to speak it caused a lot of friction in the overcrowded supermarket and very long queue. Like everyone was holding their breathe – so when I was scanning the moment I saw that the person I said this too was kind of tall and looked quite muscular and strong – uhum lol military look and he was bald and very demanding within his presentation hence the bomber jacket and dr martens shoes. So I reconsidered thought “ok” I behave like L in the play yard when she’s screaming too big boys not really within her league! I became quite anxious meaning a lot of energy was running through my body. I am referring to the physical experience of it. I mean this man could knock me out easily and in any other situation he would have done this. I saw the aggression within his presence I felt fearful.

So I stepped back I stopped participating within it – better not take changes. I have seen the play out of these moment when one is stretching it to far so to speak it can turn out to become very ugly. Meaning that someone gets physically abusive as well. Because that’s ‘underneath’ the surface of it and it’s only a small step to act upon it.

What is fascinating is that he started sweet talking to the cashier like in “Hey baby” and so on that actually shows me that he was trying to compensate the play out of a personality suite he acted out before while his reaction towards a basket that wasn’t stacked properly instigated a whole mind construct where he participated within and I reacted upon automatically – so I was trapped within this system manifestation as well meaning how symbols resonantically are igniting BS to happen even in public places or just I must say.

The reaction I am looking at here was ignited by ‘me’ through ignoring him and not making contact with him as he was looking for ‘contact’ and when this was not met by me he started to find fault within me. And turned that initial approach of making contact with me into attacking/intimidating me.

Actually such a obvious and ‘childish’ manipulative expression “give me what I want if not I will manipulate until I have it even when this means that I am abusive disregard everyone and everything b/c I am able to do so, its my right to do so.”

In constant need of confirmation of ones existence – sigh= which is not even real

I was looking at it from the perspective of god and ego.

A super Ego- energy must go – is like a god it needs nourishment and confirmation.It requires worship and foremost attention – lol its the play out of energy in a nut shell.

So I haven’t been encountering this particular experience where I am so explicitly subject of abuse before. I never actually locked into this kind of (verbally) aggressive expression directly directed towards me- that only happened  a few times recently when I witnessed a mind possession.

Best is to not react in any way. Just stop and breathe through it there is really nothing you can do about it in this reality in space and time.

So the more clear I am standing and live this stand the more the attacks will intensify so better to stand absolute. And stop myself so give everything to me to breathe and SF and take it in instantly within the moment.

I am not willing to meet the invitation for picking a fight with beings that allow them selves to be mind possessed. Let the resonances sort it out that’s suggested by Desteni and that is obvious best.

When being confronted with this the first time I was kind of baffled and shocked I didn’t see it coming at all, now I do.  I experienced while pointing such reactive behavior out that the other is either stopping or is even getting more possessed by  its perceptual experience of self. And thus allow oneself to be abusive. Best for all to stop participating within the relationship.That’s what it takes to stand – that’s what the practical application is of this point. No more abuse I allow within my direct world

I will not stand within it, its actually impossible to stand within abusive – that’s a law of this reality one will align oneself with what the abuser is allowing within oneself.

It takes freaking guts and real action to stand as this point.

The more people do so the sooner we realize that we are All  and that we move as one and equal! So we can stop the actual insanity in this world and  that starts by not allowing abuse  within my direct world any more. I walk absolute.

Not that I don’t take responsibility for that person or the attacker in fact by not allowing it within my world and yet at the same time take the point on and walk the solution for all.

I also deleted all friends who have been approaching me on face book with a hair fettish  all comments on my pictures and so on.Really what’s the point  it holds no substance. And allowing such things I have seen is only accumulating abuse. Which I experienced already, some wacko started posting/mailing me all kinds of shit – lol

So relating this back to relationships in my world –what is serving me thus all what is holding substance and what not. Whom I invite into my world my direct world b/c I am responsible for the invite and the invitee – 😀

Relationships as in being and spending time with ‘talking heads’ can be quite straining, so a clear standing a clear stipulation in what one stand as is certainly required for walking the scripture into completion. It always boils down to this, writing is the key support point the scripture the preparation of the re-alignment.

The written word is only valid when this is lived for the betterment of all.

Scripture is the preparation ground, the basic platform of support one gives to oneself. Daily and consistently strengthen yourself through

Writing

writing, preparing through scripting the way before oneself.

Also in writings I come back to that basic platform that point of self where I reflect, bring it back to self as the stability point the pillar of support when my life or the events in my life seemingly thorns the ground beneath me. So I see that in writing I give myself the opportunity to let stability as me to step forth again. I also realize when I walk away from writing I walk away from me, and when I do not push through the resistance of getting to this clear point within writing out my day I am not pushing it to the max. I push, I will myself into being, simple. The more resistance there is the more I push and it’s indicative that I am at the exact right spot.

Resistance is a cool measurement tool and revealing clearly  the demand of the push. When tiredness or sleepiness, heaviness is really kicking in I write and breathe through it until I stand clear Here.

So within this I understand that writing must always be the priority point as who I am within this process through real labor a real action to will myself into being.

I will myself into creation.

I will do so until the point of writing is not relevant anymore-lol

I will do so until I stand absolute  here as Life thats what I commited myself to do and thats what I will into Being.

I am the directive principle of me.

thats it for now

2010 Structural living of the word Justice II

So Ok

Another dimension opened up- while looking at the point justice and how I live this point as me.

When looking back – Yesterday at Z’s party a kid peed its pants. So I was comforting him saying that we all have sometimes an accident with peeing and so on. He was quite satisfied with the words, until another girl started to make comments that he peed his pants. I can see now in retrospective that I was entering the point of ‘Justice’ where I make sure that everyone in my world in my reality is treated ‘Fair’ in relation to ‘Unfair’. So a polarity construct where I ‘m not aware of and also haven’t find  ‘fault’ within its participation. Its automated as me I do not direct it, this point is directing me as a puppet on a string.

So not finding anything ‘wrong’ with me participating within it.It wasn’t even a question within my reality at least not from the perspective of its starting point nor the necessity of its alignment, the resonances has been pointing this system design out to me. ‘Justice’ from the perspective of ‘Fairness’ to remain ‘Sane’ and in ‘Control’. Ok! I can very well relate to this and also see and observed the play out of this system manifestation in action. I was aware of this construct existent within me yet I never questioned the origin point of it nor its re-alignment. I actually always got stuck in the question why I experienced this and not how I ended up in this version, and where, when etc..Its all about being able to ask the right questions.  Ok so,..

I also perceived being ‘Fair’ as a  high valued personality asset/highly appreciated personalty feature- uhum yeah.

Hmm questionable actually b/c when I look at it now, its starting point stems from consciousness of structure. so the accumulating effect of it serves the structure of consciousness.

Dictionary

Justice

justice |ˈjəstis|

noun

1 just behavior or treatment : a concern for justice, peace, and genuine respect for people.

• the quality of being fair and reasonable : the justice of his case.

• the administration of the law or authority in maintaining this : a tragic miscarriage of justice.

• ( Justice) the personification of justice, usually a blindfolded woman holding scales and a sword.

2 a judge or magistrate, in particular a judge of the supreme court of a country or state.

PHRASES

bring someone to justice arrest someone for a crime and ensure that they are tried in court.

do oneself justice perform as well as one is able to.

do someone/something justice (or do justice to someone/something) do, treat, or represent with due fairness or appreciation : the brief menu does not do justice to the food.

in justice to out of fairness to : I say this in justice to both of you.

rough justice see rough .

DERIVATIVES

justiceship |-ˌ sh ip| noun ( in sense 2).

ORIGIN late Old English iustise [administration of the law,] via Old French from Latin justitia, from justus (see just ).

Ok, I see this standing out:

From Latin ‘iustise’ administration of the law – ok justice is living by law by the written word – I also see how I exchanged equality the principle for the laws of consciousness by integrating into my reality/this world.

The symbol of justice is also a cool allegory a blindfolded woman holding scales, being blind for the polarity construct one is so mistakable holding as ‘justice’ and ‘fairness’. B/c the only thing that is ‘just’- which means ‘law’ or ‘right’- is what is within the equality equation.

So fascinating enough I always lived the words ‘Justice’& ‘Fairness’ measured through the laws within the structure of consciousness. And within this I made sure that everything and everyone was always treated ‘Fair’ and thus within the system manifestation of it. ‘Justifiable’ through reason from the starting point that every thing/point within my world had to be ‘fair’. So situations/ people within my world were always measured by these standards and I started doing this already from a very early age. Probably to gain and give me a fake pillar of support within the structure to hold on to as the last point that could give me  some sanity/fairness within my world. Yeah, other wise I would have lost my sanity or to be more specific I was afraid of loosing my sanity within my world by loosing control of my world and its structure- lol

Sanity originates from Latin – so that means health as well. So this construct which I lived ‘Sanity’ through was preventing me from loosing control thus from going insane.

Sanity – insanity

Memory: I remember being a child going into absolute anger and the experience of unfairness when people didn’t what they said they would do. My sister canceled her promise/ appointment with me and I went into such anger and such agony/rage and experienced ‘Unfairness’ in my bones. The sense of being powerless to such things b/c spoken words seemingly wasn’t law. And probably I already started to design myself into this specific set of words and living through them already ‘working’ on and designing my sense of ‘Sanity’ and thus ‘Control’ to keep a sense of ‘stability’ within the structure.  So to make sure I never experienced such within myself ever again to never feel Injustice again towards me and to make sure that no one would ever treat me unfair! From now on I would measure everything within my world through the law of ‘Justice’, to give me a sense of ‘Sanity’ in a insane world.

I also see that I couldn’t place this ‘Unfairness’ within my world at all – it was to ‘big’ to handle and none  could explain this construct to me or why people break a promise so basically why people in this world are not living the words they speak.

This to ‘big to handle’ has actually prevented me from looking right through the deception as well getting more clarity b/c I designed myself as such that I would never dare to question this design/construct other wise I would ‘loose’ my ‘sanity’ and thus my fake sense of ‘control’ within the structure- so basically I would loose myself within it.

And that actually happened when I started to study the material my ground was moving underneath me, yeah! B/c I actually saw/realised that my sense of ‘Justice’ wasn’t a real one – yet a fake one a make belief one, a structured one which didn’t entailed any substance anything real to it. It has shaken me quite a bit quite simulair as when I was working  specific customized excercise by the resonances. Holding food while preparing diner and how I ‘saw’ what fake life actually is all about. I experienced the expression of the food here as me. It was actually only after the resonances cross-reference chat and them pointing out to me that I must have been surprised how that excercise went I only then started seeing it-lol. And now when I’m writing about it I actually become aware that I didn’t get to a point of clarity nor did I have been writing about it that much b/c at that time about 2 months ago, my personal scenery did  changed so much that I wasn’t at a stable point to write that much and also wasnt really paying attention, not really slowing down- lol

So walking this point and expanding on it, how everything is structured as consciousness. And at the same time exploring this point through writing more as well.

So back to the words ‘Justice’-/’Fairness’-/ ‘Sanity’

So that’s it?

Nope seriously this point I have become completely and utterly without even knowing what the fuck I am participating within. So what I have stated and observed before is that within everything I participate within/observe/see I measure on the scales of ‘Justice’ so that’s what I automated to do. Why? B/c that’s how I programmed myself so I need to de-engineer it again.

Its playing out within my relationships actually with everything and all in this world, my reality. So I am always balancing this out. Always looking for that perfect spot to make sure everything is how I want it to be within this mind manifestation construct to remain in control of my world. Ok so an other dimension opened up as well namely the point of my allocation- point within the system related to my adoption.

While seeing the correlation  I got pissed off and I had tears in my eyes of release and anger.

So what did I see? So how does this equate to each other? I mean I saw that those two points are intertwined  through the unfairness of the ‘situation’- the adoption story= the information I was holding as such. This story always instigated a sense of ‘Justice’ in people, as in “The world shouldn’t be like this”. Yet there is a certain ‘Fairness’ within our system and this ‘fairness’ is the ‘saving’ grace of humanity because see fairness exist within the hearts of men, we are inherent good. Adoption exist so that is the ‘Fairness’ of the system. Balancing out the equation of the law of consciousness. You loose some you win some but justice will always win and fair play will always prevail- such fools we are.

Bringing all of the point Here, so  ‘Justice’ within the system. We have laws the written word we can now be treated and treat each other  fair and been hold accountable for one actions when e.g. injustice has done to each other. We can turn to the written words, the written laws of this world. Now there are always certain situation that are seen as ‘unfair’ and inequitable. Children and especially abandonded children is a sensitive entry/trigger point for the hearts of men it will ignite the construct manifestation design of ‘Justice/injustice  and – fair/unfair .The  Laws of the ‘heart’ of men the so called good inherent nature of men kind will reign. One will pay off ones guilt through participating in the construct of ‘Fairness’ it will  prevail above the Equality Equation . Fairness and Justice are men made to cover up the real situation at hand, why even create and ‘live’ through these words that are Empty shelves to hide behind words. Information constructed to deliberately blindfold ourselves of the truth? To make sure we will not Empower the child that is dying and in need of care, nor Empower our neighbour for the betterment of All. No preference will prevail ‘Justice’ and ‘Fairness’ will prevail instead of empowering everyone equally! No more this will end as we are creating a new world re-aligning our  starting point in the best interest of All that will empower the social weak and fore most the children that will come to this world.

So, probably that’s how I stand/stood  as, my allocation point within the grid.  ‘Justice’/ ‘Injustice’ -/ ‘Fair’/’Unfair’ looping in and as the polarity play out of this point. Already through and as the placement of me within the system by ‘even’ thinking of the adoption by telling the story about it, always feeding the construct- the structural design of it. By living through the definitions of ‘Fairness’ and ‘Justice’ feeding it and making sure that I remained and everyone else within it.I engineered the structural point as  the physical without any understanding, awareness of it existence in any way nor its purpose.

So re-alignment is required.

Fascinating really!

More on this later

2010 Day to Day – writings

Sunday 26 September 2010

Dream

I was together with my sister and her husband and we were at my place which was in my dreams a huge place. So my sister and her husband where lighting a cigarette while being on their way outside.  I started to become anxious about it. I said you guys aren’t supposed to smoke inside the house. Yet they were making excuses that they were on their way outside so the act  was somehow less of smoking inside  – lol

So when looking at it later on I was a bit amazed about how I felt anxious about instead of telling them to put the cigarette out ( if that’s the appropriate expression)So actually waiting and getting all anxious about something I could have walked quite effortlessly, so where in my world do I do so? Exactly! Within  seemingly small points when being with others.

Then when we were outside I was somehow in an argument with them and I felt very angered/annoyed inside of the misunderstanding. Probably this locks into a conversation I had yesterday with my sister wherein I was inviting her over for zina’s birthday yet she wasn’t able to come and how I probably was reacting towards this resonantly and then allowed myself to listen to her ways of why she was already occupied and the details of her other appointment and from the old ways I just know that I am absolutely not interested in her stories about people I don’t know I will never met and her detailed agenda/ personal schedule.

It always bothers me when people start name dropping and talking about people whom I will probably never met and I also don’t see the relevancy of mentioning them into such specific detail. M a friend of mine is always doing so and a girl friend of mine has always been doing this as well. And making this also into the main topic the conversation evolves around.

Hmm isn’t yet clear to me what actually is that I am reactive towards.

To go back to the conversation I had with my sister I see a point of distracting attention, from not being able to attend the birthday to sharing the reasons why and then making that into the main topic to talk about. And then I (always) allow the conversation to end up lead by my sister and I allow her to actually dump all that verbal garbage and excuses at me.

So I basically said ok I need to go! Good luck with finding a school for your son b/c somehow her rant ended up there and that was actually what I picked up and then I hung up.

So basically when people are or to be more specifically when I allow others to take control of the conversation in terms of not cutting it clear that I am not interested to talk about such stuff or to be absolute specific I am not interest nor allow to listen to it actually – lol especially with her I always allow to much of that verbal bs. So cool must be clear on this point when I see where its heading I stop and simple end the conversation it isn’t serving me nor her. Through allowing such seemingly small point of compromise I am weakening myself constantly and actually imprison her/others together with me as well.

And I know one thing absolutely sure – that what doesn’t stand in the smaller cant and will never stand in the bigger

So, cool!

There is definitely more to it which is shifting from the words not being able to attend and then to hearing excuses her  taking the lead within the conversation and then I become annoyed yet this is now very much resonantly b/c I feel what is the word as experience here? Neglected/left out/ Abused?

I diminished myself instantly through irritation and when I bring it back here I felt also ‘melancholic’ shortly after and feeling slightly alone, and in need of company which I rarely have within this specific mind construct manifestation or to go shortly I hardly experience myself as this.

Ok I will do a session on this

2010 Daily writings-writing out my day

Saturday 25 September 2010

writing out my day

Yeah!

Today I spend the day with the girls no fever feeling a lot better, starting to physically stabilize which is cool!

So some points that came up today while I am stabilizing. I became aware that I want to spend my weekend here with the kids, ad when I am not with them I also want to stay at home. I have been all over the place visiting a friend almost every weekend for the last two months or so. And it was very cool to be able to do so!

I felt like a relief within me not having to run from one spot to another and being in a constant unpacking/packing modus  which is not something I prefer. It brings a lot of unecessary adjustments that must be made while  I am walking now a physical process of change. So in self honestly I stay here and get physically stabilized, work through the ‘urgent’points through writing and do what practically needs be done.

So that’s cleared

Fascinating how M experienced himself while he was at my place for the first time it was almost like he was jetlagged he experienced himself completely dis orientated and me being sick I wasn’t in the position to stand as the stabililty point.

I mean I have seen ‘disorientation’ in many people when I was still working in the holiday business when people arrived they were all traumatized by leaving their comfort zone – lol

That’s how we are programmed – we first need to stabilize and I know from experience that I am most of the time am doing that very fast, its not a self willed quality so to speak it is just within my base programming. It’s also a characteristic of my blood type B- Nomads. So naturally fast to adept to new situation for survival and given that my heritage stems from Mongols it must be on the seed already. Ok this aside.

So what came up as well the kids and how I find it so absolutely accepted that I do certain things and have certain personality traits and find this normal e.g. being ok with them watching movies yet I also see emerging within this that its convenient for me so I can have breakfast or so something else without them asking for attention. I also see guilt like now I am a bad mother or asking myself whether I should do so. Well when I spend tiem with them ist always quite enjoyable. Oh I saw it within the point of them taking ballet lessons and that I am always leaving and I asked myself why don’t I stay and enjoy that time with them? Or at least ones so I know what the lesson is all about. Just a simple question, seemingly a innocent action yet It shows me that I am in certain points especially the ones I take for granted as in not taking them into account as being important- I see that I do so b/c I don’t know how I should do it other wise actually b/c I didn’t scripted this for myself and I don’t have an example. Fascinating, really.

Lou is a bit on the “I try you” and is manipulating and playing around with it a lot. Whenever I have been sick and not with the girls for some time it takes me a while especially with Lou to re-align her with me again. She’s so witty and I almost must laugh about her ways – yet not acceptable and she knows this. Yet her range of looking for how far she can stretch it is something she is exploring and expanding on big time. Sigh – lol

I called my father today and he was sounding really defeated and I became sad not as an all consuming sadness yet I was slightly there. He is going to die and he said that this time it won’t take that long any more. I could hear it in his voice he is tired, he isn’t able to get sufficient air in his lungs anymore due to his illness. And he is tired of fighting – probably better that he will leave here. I actually do not know what I experience – no words

When talking to him I felt tears in my eye they didn’t came – now they are here. B once said that when someone dies in your world you morn other wise you will get sick- it makes sense ones system has accumulated so much information around this point that it must be released. Shoot everything is an orgasm. L

My ex mother in law is sick as well she suffers from cancer she’s in the hospital already for some time now and within her I saw that she became the point of illness so completely. She suffered from breast cancer and later on lung cancer manifested as well.

Breast related to self-nurturing and Lungs to family and the illness to anger. Yeah the mcs eating the flesh through permission – quite a vast point we must walk through within this.

So while I was sick seriously sick I stopped everything called mo and he was immediately instantly taking responsibility taking care for the kids, cooking and school wise. Which I today was very freaking grateful for and I text him to let him know. He text me back and I had tears and shivers. And a emotional body release – I can observe this now through my wrist when they are burning/warm and the back of my hands. I am so freaking grateful that I have a back up in terms of practical support with the kids when I am not able to take care of them. So cool to have this support, it must be and is in essence the same with all the youngsters living at home being in many ways supported to walk their process until they are willing themselves to stand on their own feet also depending on age. So yeah also within this I expand on understanding how this is working. Also to distinguish the difference between allowing dependency from a self-dishonest starting point or from self-support, that’s within each self honest path to walk.

Today when being in the store buying clothes for Zina I was observing the way the store manager was assisting me and I became aware of a over doing myself allowing myself to get dragged along with a certain pace. So I stopped – lol .

I was actually fascinated by the way she was expressing herself it was so robotic, repetitive obsessive like really digging and loading information while she was going through the cloths racks – yep fascinating

although I like her a lot hmm

In shops I find it still very hard to do so, stopping I mean and remain here. Yet I bought freaking everything I needed! And didn’t allowed myself to go along/drift of yet stayed focused- lol

Well as long one can do so b/c the minute you step into a store you lock into the gridline structure of it and then all the jungle gyms and rods – of course this is all knowledge and information – lol

I think that dimensionally it must be high traffic with all those structures and systems. hehehe

Ok go sleep now – die well and tomorrow I start all over

2010 walking through a decision

1 May

19:29:10)resonances: Jozien – M, is still a “undefined / undecided point” within your world/reality – meaning, he’s a point that’s there, because you haven’t made an actual clear decision with regards to how/where you “want him” in your world/reality, so to speak – this is shown within that fact that, you’re still compromising in accepting and allowing yourself to allow him to make certain decisions that you feel uncomfortable towards, but you’ll “follow it” – to ‘keep him’ in your reality/world and also within that fact that – there is no clear stipulation between the two of you with regards to where you stand with each other. Thus – Jozien – you require making a definitive decision with regards to how to direct your reality/yourself in relation to him – instead of “keeping him in your world” because of fear of making an actual decision in placing him and yourself exactly within a specific point. Jozien – with regards to M, you require making a decision, assess you, your world, the children and him equally – write-down decisions and then “play them out” within yourself or on paper, with regards to how you see it manifesting within reality, and your fears within it – apply self forgiveness especially in relation to the fears, to ensure the fears don’t make the decision – but that you have within taking everything into consideration equally. Self-Honesty Jozien. Thus – when you “see you in him” utilize the opportunity of self-corrective action, immediately – you have a direct-mirror of yourself, if you stand in those pionts – you can direct him as you, but first – you have to apply yourself into and as self-corrective action.

SF
fear of making a decision
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making a dishonest decision from the starting point of fear making a decision
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision that I will never be able to correct again
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to get stuck in a decision that I will regret later.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear making the wrong decision without realising that I already made a decision by not making one.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not have willed myself to make a decision.

Core point
Fear making the wrong decision and by this not making a decision which is also a decision
Fear of making a decision I will regret
Fear of doing something which I cant never correct again
Making a decisions – not making one is also making one
The thought: “I must make a decision” locks oneself into a construct –from directing myself in every moment from a self-honest starting point, its similar to the why instead of the how in essence the same.
Making a decision is the end point of a sequence
“Making a decision” towards something or someone will step forth while directing myself in self honesty

Self corrective statements:
I Direct self from the starting point of self honesty self directing self is a living not stagnant expression self walks into a living expression of self and then the outcome steps forth self directed as self honest expression and a ‘decision’ will unfold naturally. Simple, effortless
(in the understanding that words, actions/deeds of another being are not separated from me and within my ability of directing the other as me.)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to post phone looking into specificity into our relationship regards the way we are living together
I actually disregarded it as not a valid point within my world – yes I see how I did this If I don’t pay attention to it – it doesn’t exist type of thing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded the point money and how I placed myself into specificity within this point within my world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded the whole within my placement as such and only took parts of it into consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not haven all the points within the point of money and my specific placement within it to a point of equally questioning my reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not equally questioned all the points within the point of money within my reality and how I‘ve placed myself within my world.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have ‘overlooked’ this point within my world/my reality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed this point within my world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have disregarded preparing the way before me through writing the self-corrective actions before me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard myself when M is around and thus are disregarding me and the kids equally within this
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have not taken everything into consideration equally here as me but instead separated me from the little ones and m equally.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ‘exist’ when M is around
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately ignored feelings of being uncomfortable with his actions

Core point:
Postponing and procrastinating looking and questioning my reality into specificity from the starting point of self honesty MUST always be FLAGPOINTED. It is putting yourself on hold. Will it magically go away when I exercise putting points on hold? Its self deception its self dishonesty

Self corrective statements:
I allow myself to question everything within myself in the understanding that resisting and putting points ‘on hold’, is holding onto information=energy in my reality its not serving all so in this understanding I let it go and act immediately when a unanswered question arises.

I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to avoid conflict when I see a point between us that I am uncomfortable with
I forgive myself that I ‘ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when his respond is like an energetic wall of resistance where I am not able to direct myself and thus prefer to compromise myself instead of directing myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself when I do not direct myself towards his actions, words, decisions and therefore not taking myself into consideration but always submit to the feeing of ‘safety’ towards us
I forgive myself that I ‘ve been accepting and allowing myself to withdraw when I have the opportunity to direct him and thus myself equally here as me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to equalise me with his words and deeds and therefore accepted and allowed myself to stand one and equal to his dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by not directing myself and in actuality are supporting him within his dishonesties towards himself and thus towards me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief that I took this point on but in actuality I used this idea as an justification for not directing me within preparing the way before me through writing and scripting the self corrective actions.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this idea of me taking this point on within my world/reality by thinking that by believing it was enough to change me and thus us.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from m and the kids equally to the compromise I allowed within me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always play on safe while it comes to m and his decisions to avoid conflict thus submit to feelings being unable to direct me within it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by always being there for him when he needs to talk or needs support not realising that this is a one way support and that I give permission for him to do so.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to listen to him whenever he feels like it b/c I don’t want to hurt him or loose the opportunity to communicate with him
Ok this is that I take every opportunity when he’s opening up but that’s actually only when he is in need of talking so he’s directing it and not me meaning that I don’t direct me communicating with him but wait for him
I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to compromise my self-direction through waiting for him when he opens up to me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have excluded M from my life and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stand one and equal as the decision to always do what’s best for all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of security
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of safety
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a sense of stability
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself to remain within self-definitions of money, by keeping M in my world.

Core point
Not directing self and thus compromising oneself

Self corrective statements
What comes before compromising self
The opportunity to see me in him, the opportunity to direct myself in self honesty when a moment arises to direct/correct myself immediately within the moment of participating and become the correction in action while participating.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear living in a world where M will not be around
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being without money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being a single mother
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear doing the wrong thing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to sustain myself and provide for an income for the kids and me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the financial comfortably I’m currently living
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being without money
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear M’s future relationships with other women
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my children to a strange woman is his future live
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear living my live without my children

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the house I am living in
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing all ‘I have’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing the comfort ability of my current life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing companionship

Core point
Future projections
Loosing definitions of self
This all interlocks with other definitions I am holding towards m and money
So to remove one building block of the chain I stop the chain from repeating itself over and over again

Self corrective statements:
Fearing the future and possible outcomes can only exist within my mind – by directing myself in every moment to walk into manifesting a life that serves all I stay grounded to what is real and the outflow will step forth while I am walking into and as the self corrective actions. Then the future will be here in every breath while creating it within the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see m as the money provider
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have made m into the security point of money
So within this I can’t never stand one and equal to him b/c he symbolise the money provider within my world.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my children when m=money will not be in my world

Core point
M representing the money point within my world – totally unacceptable.
I constructed it this way b/c I live through definitions/symbols and place them accordingly in my world regardless and without consideration off the being within that placement. Unacceptable

Self corrective statements:
M is a being that is in process like everyone else – although he doesn’t walk it from the perspective as I walk it applying the tools given to me/us.
I embrace all of him equally as me and direct myself in self honesty in the consideration that he isn’t yet/always able to see what I see or have realised myself. In this understanding I walk and won’t accept anything less from him then I accept within myself in the understanding that I can only stand one and equal with what I accept and allow and agree to stand one and equal with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear directing myself as him in this point
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear going all the way

Core point
Fear of being directive principle as life as the expression of myself within the best interest of all
Fear of showing to myself proving it to me that I can really do it and be it live it without holding back no matter what.

Self corrective statements :
Self correction being directive principle from the starting point of self honesty, I allow myself to direct myself when I ‘see’ myself within others and thus have the opportunity to direct myself.
I take this opportunity as a gift to ground myself in as self direction in every participation with others until I am self directive in fact.
I allow myself to stand within the understanding that what we have become wont be solved through accepting excuses from others as me.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my children when I am not able to provide for them and me financially
Which in essence happens to my birth- mother b/c she wasn’t able to sustain for us so she placed me for adoption
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to change the way I placed myself within my world/reality and thus the placement of m within my world
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear ending up in the exact same placement as my birth mother without realizing that I already manifested this placement of myself as such.

Core point:
fear/preprogrammed inherent fear from my birth mother
fear of loosing money that has placed unto another person

Self corrective statements:
I enable self to correct the preprogrammed nature of myself and prepare the way before me by scripting myself into a placement of myself that will benefit all in this I release the money point of dependency on another and place myself as the authority of my placement
Flagpoint: whenever I tend to go into irrational fears regards my current placement I immediately correct myself by breathing and sf and I let it go and prepare the way before me

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and therefore compromise myself towards m and how I placed him within my reality
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself instead of scripting the corrective actions in front of me so that I am able to walk the self corrective action into a living application.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I cant change myself
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I will be stuck in this point forever which will be the case if I don’t change myself into a living correction of myself within the placement of myself in my world/reality
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself to an alignment that serves all because then I need to give up the belief I hold of the placement of myself within my reality and therefore need to give up feeling safe, comfortable within the current placement of M within it.

Core point
Placement of self
Placement of self within my reality/world has been deliberately done in order to have the money point in place .

Self corrective statements:
Placement of self can be corrected into alignment with what serves all- placement of self within in the structure is not serving me thus not serving all.
I will myself so align myself with life and place myself in an assisting supporting placement of self.

I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear going to search for a job
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to find a job
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able stand financially on my own
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to stand within this point
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will fuck up again
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will make the same mistakes over and over again.

Ok this is self trust and fear of falling
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cant trust myself while preparing the way before me
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear falling in this point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to self correct myself b/c I never lived this self correction yet in fact within this specific placement of myself.
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to stand within a job and will look for an easy way out again
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not enjoying the job I will find
I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to fear not having enough time to spend with my children.

Core point:
future projections of finding a job
Self corrective statements:
More on this later

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have justified staying with M b/c of the placement of him within my world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact when I am not directing myself within being together with him in alignment with what serves all I already sealed myself in failure and separation because from this starting-point we will never be equalised participants.

Core point:
giving up on self
will continue later

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel safe when everything remains as it is within my world and the placement of m within my world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created a relation where my first priority is that he’s supported from the perspective of my Status quo of ‘safety’

Safety:
Safe I feel safe within the current placement of m and myself in my world/reality
Which is a fuck up b/c how can I ever take M the being into consideration when I equalize him to a defintions of safety=money

Self corrective statements:
Safety is not within placements of people or things and what they represent as such.
I am save when I walk always in the best interest of all – then safety is when all beings are save when I walk this into a manifested reality then safety can be real for all. I am safe while walking this into a manifested physical expression of myself.

Comfortable
Its comfortable within this placement of him within my world/reality b/c I don’t challenge the definition of feeling comfortable at all and its not serving me and thus not all when I equalize the word comfort and the experience/self defintions thereof to money

Comfort
I am comfortable when I walk this path of manifesting a physical reality where all can be in a state of physical ease and freedom, free from pain or constraint.

Security
I feel secure when I am within this placement of us. So security can never been lived as a living expression of self while I align it to m=money=security.
How can I feel secure when others are subject of threat, attack- that’s not real
Security based on money is the flat-liner of self movement b/c now one never allows oneself to question ones reality
After testing if I have been specific enough:
‘Garantie’
So I only feel secure when I have a guarantee that money will be guaranteed and I will place it like that accordingly and used M for it. So security equals having money.
Geez pretty nasty stuff
Ok let it go
A Guarantee you get when you buy something to make sure that what you purchased is of a certain quality and that you get “waar voor je geld.”
So the placement of M is the quarantee in order to feel secure although I have to compromise myself to remain within this placement b/c I fear loosing it.
Hmm still not clear yet

Self corrective statements
Security can only be lived when I walk into the solution, manifesting an physical reality where non will ever be subject to threat, attack when all are secure I am secure then security is real

Stability
I experience a sense of stability within this placement. M=money=stability within myself.
Money=survival
Survival is not stability

Stability is to place myself in an effective and supportive placement where I walk into manifesting practical solutions into a living expression of who I am as the stand I’m making. Being stable is being whole within the understanding that all flows through me as me and in all I am one and stability steps forth from this understanding, then stability will manifest and steps forth from walking into a manifested solution that what serves all.

Money is required in this world to survive – to be practical about it.
I need to make money, I am in this world so I need to work with what is here in this world and walk through the allowed and accepted manifested consequence thereof to stand as it and at the same time utilize it to bring forth and manifest a equal change for all within the best interest of all.
So from this perspective I support and assist myself to make money and be practical about the point money. It doesn’t hold any other definition then what I script for myself into a corrective action,to an expression that serves all.

Afer testing through which point I haven’t been specific enough:
Security
I feel secure when I am within this placement of us. So security can never been lived as a living expression of self while I align it to m=money=security.
How can I feel secure when others are subject of threat, attack- that’s not real
Security based on money is the flat-liner of self movement b/c now one never allows oneself to question ones reality
Tested out this specific word:
‘Garantie’
So I only feel secure when I have a guarantee that money will be guaranteed and I will place it like that accordingly, Mo within the placement it. So security equals having money.
Pretty nasty stuff
A guarantee you get when you buy something to make sure that what you purchased is of a certain quality and that you get “waar voor je geld.”
So the placement of M within my world is the quarantee in order to feel secure although I have to compromise myself to remain within this placement b/c I fear loosing it.

09/05/10
Health &Compromise
How and why do I always give in when M brings the point in of health issues, being depressed?

So who is fooling who?
Who is controlling whom?
Who is directive principle here?

And for what and whom are you compromising to?
The fear of not taking him into consideration fear that you are making a mistake what’s at stake here? YOU and you alone and within this ALL
He’s deliberate in his deceit he sees and he excuses himself b/c of his health, which is valid point, but actually it isn’t. Why not? b/c he’s fooling himself.
He’s only wearing that thing during the night and during the day he wants to write about it, chuckle, chuckle bs
Why?
That’s a point of self-manipulation using this point again to use it to keep me off his back – to always make sure that he is in control that he doesn’t have to see how and what he has become in his very nature.
You see now -now you act
And yes the word health and what it triggers is a very ‘tricky’ point within you b/c that’s how you have been fooled and put aside and put on hold all your life that’s how your father manipulated you into compromising your self expression b/c you always had to be a guard first b/c of his emotional/mental state due to his depression and later on due to his physical status his heart attacks/hernia/etc. and then the circle was round. Him and his conditions was always first to consider and what he could take and handle seen his conditions and that was always a very convenient excuse to keep you out of his world. Out of his inner sphere out of zone of becoming intimate with him. He didn’t allow you or anyone else in and used his disease(s) as an excuse as a pardon that he wasn’t able to. When in fact he refused doing so he wasn’t even willing to let you in. That would have challenged everything of him and that he didn’t want to do.

You are looking here at the very same construct and you are compromising yourself, you allow yourself to compromise through the exact same construct- the exact same entry point HEALTH
Health has been programmed into you as something you may not touch may not even question in another
Same with your sister when she got into psychoses during your childhood
Fuck tears
I didn’t know that it was intertwined and so deeply programmed within me
I don’t excuse myself for compromising myself within this point – I was aware of it, but did not have clarity in any way
Illness is something I may not even question and when its is an excuse that one is bringing up while not able to participate with me I accept and agree on it b/c it has been programmed into me from early childhood.
Illness (whether physically or mentally) is a legitimate excuse and is not to be questioned ever again – the being is placed in that condition through life/a higher source/karma/god and is now subject to it and by this I have no right to question the excuse for leaving me out in the equation. So I accept it as a fact, which I am subject to.

Have my writings been sufficient about self-compromise related to health? Yes
Do I have to gather more information? No
SF –yes
SCS –yes

SF
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone is using the excuse of their physical health
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to excuse the other person when they have a physical or mental illness
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to have been programmed to not question the excuse in any way
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone tells me that he’s/she’s depressed
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when someone is bringing the point of health issues in as a legitimate excuse of not being able to taken into consideration
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to always give in when another being tells me that he/she isn’t able to cope with the situation b/c of health issues
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to always compromise myself b/c the other one cant help oneself through the illness one is suffering from
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that a being is subject to health issues through an outer force bigger then me and therefore I shouldn’t question the excuse of the being of not being able to ‘handle’ the situation
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to make myself subject to another ones health conditions and therefore make us both subject to the belief that’s just how it is
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that some ones health disempowered ones to take into account when being with me
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that some one health discharges them for being accountable for their behaviour
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself when being with my father when he got depressed, and got serious health issues
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that when a being suffers form mental or physical health problems I am not entitled to ask the being anything b/c the health issue is always the main priority to take care of and therefore give in to thoughts as health issues are bigger then me.
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that a being is subject to heath problems and therefore
I forgive myself that I’ve been accepting and allowing myself to belief that I have no right to question a sick person behaviour b/c the person can not held accountable b/c the person has been placed in that position and didn’t asked for that position so I am not entitled to move myself in any way but compromise towards the health issue and excuse the person for his behaviour towards me b/c of the persons illness.
And therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always compromise myself within excusing the beings behaviour b/c the being cant held accountable for its behaviour due to illness and therefore I disempower the opportunity to direct myself within the beings behaviour and me equally.

Behaviour that got nothing to do with the illness is excused as an outflow of the illness and therefore not to be questioned in any way and therefore I accept and allow such behaviour in the being and within me equally and now agree on that excuse as being a valid excuse b/c the being cant be held accountable for its actions/words b/c of the authority of the illness.

Geez that has screwed me big time since I was a kid
First my father he got depressed to such an extend that he had severe therapy and had to quit his job he couldn’t function anymore I was 5 or 6
After this, mental illness became a the big thing within our home
Then my sister got into a psychoses she almost died it was hectic and intense I was 12 years old
Then we all got counselling and everything, conflicts, fights always something we could fix through counselling
Then my mother died and we labelled her :mentality ill she couldn’t been held accountable for her actions – so forget about it- it was common to say- we couldn’t do anything about it
What a fucking mess and always Health issues no one could been held accountable for themselves b/c we were all mentally or physically ill and we all need counselling for our mental health to get healthy thus sane thus accountable for oneself.
Such deception

Corrective statement:
I do not accept and allow myself to compromise myself to agree on: when ‘Health issues’ either mentally or physically will be brought up as an excuse for ones behaviour and therefore one is being excused/not accountable for ones actions/words/deeds.
I see the excuse: don’t count me in due to health issues I cant be held accountable –and agree on this excuse and thus compromising myself equally with them.
This is not serving me and therefore I let it go.
Whenever I tend to go into it by only hearing words such as HEALTH, ILLNESS, DEPRESSION I flag point it and I let it go.
Ok that’s it

Is this session done? Yes
is my sf sufficient? Yes

it tested out to integrate this into a mind construct on relationships

2009 Here & There

there is here as me

There is not there as me its here as me

I do not have to go there its already here as me

There is here as me