2011 The Era of Eros-Desire as Addiction

I Perceive and experience Sweetness as the point of self nurturing through a construct within the structure. I ‘lose’ myself within this specific experience as perceived sweetness.

This point is automated as me I did not yet walked this point into clarity it has multiple dimensions/layers to it.

When shopping yesterday I observed how I was automatically drifting off through projecting automated wants/needs/desires for a relationship. This is part of desiring a relationship being automated and addicted to participate within these projections, pertaining wants, needs, fantasies, projections and what not.

How is it being ignited? Among things Through walking in my world/reality automatically locking into pictures, graphics, symbols and from there automatically spiral into a mind construct of desire or more accurately a possession of mind.

So I actually start becoming aware of how I now utilise pictures, graphics, symbols to ignite wants and needs and so on to generate energy – something to participate within. It could actually have been anything. Yet at this stage most prominently is desire.

I ‘enjoy’ experiencing myself as such, I am addicted to this perceived experience of myself. I have given it high value and importance to experience myself within this perceived experience of self. I’m addicted to it a junk, actually nothing beats this experience- not sex; masturbation nor drugs. It’s within this allowance and drifting off to projections of me ‘there’, because it pertains hope and a future that will never be lived.

The whole construct and me participation within it is irrational and I use reason, logic to justify my participation and thus not acceptable. I can’t accept not to trust myself within this point. I didn’t yet opened this point up and I will through writing and walking it, to get to the nitty- gritty of it, all cards on the table.

Getting to know me, before I am off to ‘someone’ out ‘there’ again to distract myself from what is real.

I don’t give a fuck about another person within the above construct because I want what I want and the person is only placed within this position to keep the construct in place. Even when one is in a relationship one is exercising within it- someone out ‘there’ to dream about, to linger for to drift off to projections and shit like that.

So its not even to be off to someone again – the other doesn’t even exist that person only exist within my head. Actually only within a closed boxed where I then locked into, all of me contained within a box of projections,fantasies, ideas and so on.

The thing is I didn’t yet consider nor saw all implications of my individual participation and how this is the fore stage/fore play of ending up married with children, and isn’t this exactly what we are all from a very early age desire? To end up with someone either looking for an ultimate sexual experience or what ever we make up within our irrational reasoning to chase who ever we want what ever we want whenever we want no matter the consequences of our actions.

Dangerous shit when you don’t know where you are dealing with and not know who you are within it what you do, and really completely unnecessary!

This is how we bring children into being.

This starting point is fucked up and we must change and de-engineer ourselves, no parent wants to bring this about yet we’re all living it into being by simple participating within the ‘smallest’ point of desiring to be with someone.

Desire should be on the list of mental disorders – those who ‘suffer’ from such mental disorder cant be trusted with Life.

I can tell cause I have been such person myself the thing is that whether the world is burning or not you actually don’t give a fuck because you are trapped within the Era of Eros and grateful for what actually? That you found what actually? That you are married with children and now what? That you have sex on a regular basis, that you have a steady relationship?  I mean WTF, how many people ‘cheat’ on their partner? how many people leave their partner to get something ‘better’ in return. I mean that in itself should already show how fucked up this chase for such perceived experience is. To desire such a thing because in actuality  it doesn’t exist it only exist within ones head and the rawness of the physical reality will never meet that whats inside your head and you will freaking fucking never be satisfied because within the Eara of Eros such a point doesn’t exist within the physical reality.Thats the factuality of it.

Time to get Real:

Show the way to be the way and live the way into being for the children and the children yet to come



2011 Response to Cathy’s blog post: Who Have You Been Or Become In The Name Of Money? Married!

I found within me that I got married because of securing the money point and I wasn’t even aware of it, it took me a while to understand what and how I placed/positioned this point and how securing the money point within my world came about.

It showed me that the ‘way’ that leads to marriage/relationship is wrapped up nicely as experiences and energetic addictions such as desire, love, sex, lust, partnership, companionship, dreams, ideas, perceptions, assumptions, fantasies, projections and what not all meticulously placed to make-up/ to secure the money point.

Through relationships/marriage we eventually fuck ourselves a way into the family construct to produce children as clones for the preservation of the world system and through this we keep the heart=money of the system alive and kicking.

By not seeing nor being aware of its design and why its designed and placed as such makes us easy sheep for the system to survive because we are controlled by our desires and needs to be with that other one instead of being One.

The need/want/desire for sex or wanting to find the right guy/girl Is such a ‘normal’ accepted expression of our ‘nature’ that we don’t even question this very nature yet its something we need to question to find the answers to ourselves! We never allowed ourselves to actually question to investigate the real experience of desire as addiction, because no one wants to give up his or her ‘lolly pop’.

Desire and need for the one to spend your life with will lead you being caught and trapped and enslaved in the total design of this reality!

You must actually think twice before you jurk off or loose yourself in daydreaming about the one, or both activities at the same time – all right?

What a total waste of time!

So time to stop this recycling of the past and get to know one self!

You simple Join us at the Desteni ‘I’ Process. Where we take the ‘I’ on and investigate and study who ‘I’ is in relation to relationships.

“It is the process of the ‘I’ in this world. As Humans we exist as the ‘I’ – the “who am ‘I’”, the “how am ‘I’”, the “why am ‘I’”, the “what am ‘I’”, the “where am ‘I’” – All the questions about the ‘I’ “

So the ‘I’ can meet the ‘I’, eye to eye – and see for oneself what remains of ‘I’, ok! that’s it.


Link to Cathy’s Blog, check it out!!


2011 ‘One’s Type’

He isn’t my type 

Interestingly enough I always ‘ended up’ in a relationship with someone that wasn’t really my type.

The above:

Implies desire

Implies that the person I’m in a relationship with isn’t ‘good’ enough for me, that there is someone ‘better’ out there.

Implies that there is someone out there who is my type with characteristics that I find suitable for me, that fulfil the projections of a ‘my type’ person.

So to live the belief that I ended up with someone that wasn’t really my type keeps the desire alive. It’s the feeding ground for a back door, its indicative for where one is standing: – within hope, and desire for someone out there, a yearning that contains a promise that one day this expectancy will be fulfilled.

Quite a fuck up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my type exist

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live the belief that I always end up with someone that isn’t really my type

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live and hold the construct that there is someone better out there for me to find then the one I am currently in a relationship with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to leave a backdoor open so I am able to project my desires of finding ‘my type’ while being in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live the construct: that the one I’m in a relationship with is not my type and thus leave a backdoor open to project my desires outside of myself of eventually finding ‘my type’.

Living and existing within a polarity-construct of my type/not my type isn’t serving me, living through such construct and measuring/comparing my current relationship to this polarity construct is irrational and therefore I let it go.

I understand and see that there doesn’t exist such a person as I have constructed it as in my type of a person and the opposite thereof.

Irrational within this is that I actually never met a ‘my type’ of person and yet I am striving to find such person. So how I base my assumptions, perceptions and ideas of the right kind/my kind of person on a illusion is completely irrational and it doesn’t makes any sense.

It’s the embodiment of stupidity – lol

2010 Daily writings mostly on pain

Friday 24 September 2010

Ok I feel a bit better now and tomorrow I will be up and running again after 3 days bed and fever is quite ok – my back starts to hurt from lying down all the time.

So what comes up

I need to re-align the definition of pushing myself b/c I have seen/observed that I am still doing it  meaning pushing myself from a mind perspective.
so what is pushing oneself really all about?

First thing I see is must be from a self honest starting point, effortlessly when it actually becomes ‘difficult’ its already indicating that its pushing within the structure.

So a flag point here.

For example when I went for the weekend to see mike a friend of mine who doesn’t live near by it was in my weekend without the kids I didn’t really felt well due to my upcoming menstruation and I wanted to stay home yet I pushed myself going from the starting point of not wanting to disappoint him. So that’s always a dishonest starting point yet I also see a point behind that point is that I push myself for others instead of pushing self for myself as self.

So pushing myself has become something that I do to please others so that’s one dimension I clearly see. I call it: “I need to push myself” while in essence its just hiding for oneself. So I would say pushing oneself is a Flagpoint

Ok posting and commenting is something I must work on

Fault finding in myself doing it all wrong my  posts are  wrong being wrong etc.. what I see and how I say things is wrong it has become less yet it’s still there, very prominent. Also being administrator and when to ban and how it’s a cool exercise yet I can get very anxious of doing it right. Lol I actually never heard any of the others administrators about it. So it’s the point of taking responsibility and expand and explore on it which I find a bit scary) outside of the comfortzone) and enjoyable at the same time. I also feel honoured that I have been asked. uhum and was suprised as well like huh me? I am not in any way pushing myself being visual on teh internet yet I saw immediatley the opportunity to explore and expand on the responsibility point in public.

So  being afraid of doing it wrong- yet this has been with me and it became less yet its still sometimes here.And the only way to go is to push oneself in space and time to actually do it. So this is a real push for self, this in relation to investigate pushing in general as an expression of self!

So within one of the interviews B is explaining the placement of beings now in certain positions to proof and walk points in space and time,to give them a opportunity to walk within responsibility.

Still very prominent with me is seeing that ‘it’ is not real what I am living through the structure. Its all fake yet  I start seeing that waking up and walking this process is a continuously exploring and expansion of understanding and awareness. I thought I ‘knew’ yet I start to see now that expansion and exploration on self and existence and how consciousness is operating is ‘seemingly’ never ending. All I ever did was living through the structure of consciousnesss and that I really have to learn how to LIVE.

When watching Bernard’s interview and hearing that certain persons weren’t yet taking the responsibility they had to take and that this 2 year time loop is among things to make sure those that those that needs to stand as he said ‘vital players’ will actualise and take self-responsibility (that they had to take in the first place my words) – lol

I felt/feel that I was one of those person’s yet I also saw that this is what it is and that I didn’t took it on. I can get up with a lot of excuses yet they are excuses. And how I actually saw this constantly yet I wasn’t up to the task. I also realise that being an administrator such as Darryl and Bella has been doing for such a long time which i am freaking grateful for that this comes with responsibility and consistancy on a daily basis. And that I as a member took that for granted that always magically would be someone who is managing the forum. And that comes somehow with a feeling of guilt or more of a realisation of a system manifestation of giving things out of your hands. “Someone else will take care of it”  yet more as an accepted already manifested nature of oneself and actually not able to track down as such b/c one have become it and one is not questioning this within self in any way. So actually looking at the point of taking self responsibility.

So ignoring oneself and all that ‘lives’ making noise within all that is boiling up within. It is so accepted and allowed within what I have become that it takes balls and for me utter discipline to not take anything within me for granted b/c I can say from a knowledge point that those ‘things’ such as thoughts and emotions inside are placed there and thus not real yet when I continue finding it ‘normal’  the norm of my existence and accept it as something I do not investigate any further. I am excersising knownledge thus unaccepatble Not taking into consideration that i am the one that constructed it this way and i am the one that will myself to de-construct it. So I am the engenere now

As I write I feel my left wrist burning or to be more precise it’s all over my upper hand and wrist on the top side.

Also the energetic signature I am holding towards my post and then especially to the words “you decide” b/c I claim it as Bella’s. ‘Strangely’ enough I am holding this information as such as I am not allowed to use certain words or phrases in this world b/c I perceive others to have ownership over those words. Fascinating!

This also locks into mine and yours and ownership in general so that also entails that I am existing within that same point when someone is entering or so-called disrespecting my ownership over words and expressions. Ok I see a system manifestation  locking into a personality of respecting others through respecting their ownership of their personality, and thus words. I can see myself in the old ways being very hurt when someone would quote me or use my words  without mention me within it. So that’s a form of ownership and also an energetic signature related to being hurt not being treated with respect. Very much related to what is and has been previous discussed within my sra lesson when cross referenced with the resonances when working with the lesson on undergarment. So it locks into my perception of what was it again the word my sense ‘rechtvaardigheid” justice yes that’s it. So I have within my preprogrammed nature which is just information stored on an individual dna basis and developed this over time into something I belief to be justice yet it’s from a mind perspective.

So I must re-align this definition of justice b/c yes what is real justice, what is real?

First of all I will write out how I experience this kind of justice b/c it has been very much within all I participate within. I know it’s a key point within my design, the accepted and allowed nature of myself. It always within me in all I observe and participate within that what I live is always measured through fairness and justice. Fascinating, even when watching a movie I am resonating it as such – this point of justice. Fascinating its only now that I see how much I have become that point and resonate it as such so it must be standing as such a point within the structure, yet I can’t know this for sure – its also not relevant at this stage to know these things. What is relevant to re-align this point.

Becoming aware of points as such is amazing and breaking the spell, the hypnotic frequency of delusion. Breaking the trance is always an experience when it sinks in like waking up is quit of a deepening of being becoming aware of the extensive deception of our perceives selves. So its still a very long way to go

When listening to Esteni’s vids about system removal within seeing direct cause that’s how I refer to it, seeing direct within the moment – I realised that there are so many and it seems to be endless and everything is intertwined with everything else. Yet I also see that removing one and disconnect from it that it will work as a chain reaction. So it’s within where one is participating within that keeps the structure alive. I can imagine that it looks dimensionally as how Esteni is describing it. What is for me fascinating is that she describes it in detail as how Zina describes pain and colours in and outside my body and pointing always exactly at pain points and wash them away makes them white or more of a cleaning up lol

So it’s almost like seeing the expression of food or specific expression in my children.

I always experience physical pain as something that is locked, that I need to look for a key.

I also like and find it very accurate how B is referring to pain as your children and you are not going to fight your own children now do you – only stupid people are doing so and by now we all know how incredible freaking stupid we are! lol

So  when I was looking at pain points myself and where I have manifested such manifested crystals within my muscle tissue I referred to them as being alive b/c I walked this into creation so yes its like my baby, my child.

I also distinguish seeing that the whole point within my left arm, breast, armpits and shoulder and lymphatic system is a point which I am purifying myself from and releasing yet I also see that this is a process. And I always ask where this information, manifested pain as in crystals in my muscle tissues went. Esteni is explaining that dimensionally beliefs are going up in dust – so that quite an ‘easy’ one to crumble. But what about the rest where does it go within the physical body b/c its dump so to speak those are systems that aren’t there yet the echo of it that what is already manifested and what is not having any system to run through now becomes useless b/c it’s not being supported by that very same system that held everything together. So it must leave the body, which I am currently doing/busy with through fever, flu-like symptoms and so on.

After being physically intimate with someone and having intercourse again I actually started manifesting a bladder infection and also a vaginal yeast infection. So this was of course very disturbing and inconvenient. Well as the resonances pointed out that I hide fear behind inconvenience I actually can see that I was doing that in this case as well. Funny how I stored it as such as well, inconvenient.

Fascinating how we store experiences and words within us. Anyways the illness these diseases went away by looking at it and seeing that I was actually denying myself in this point so it was very much related to self-abuse and how I had for example intercourse. It was so mechanical that I was actually shocked and in tears how I was participating within this and to which degree I accepted this expression as me. I cried it was a cool release – there were tears of anger as well.

So the infection went up and down not being completely manifested yet – but I know how these infections feel like and I was heading towards it. So by actually getting out of self-denial and be gentle with myself in terms of how I abused myself in these two specific points; intercourse and touch which was completely transformed into a mechanical operation. I could let it go! It wasn’t really a process of a lot of sf I was able to see the point and let it go while breathing through the denial of it. And then the infection subsided. Which was cool.

Bladder infection and vaginal yeast infection are the most unpleasant things you can have as a woman and I had many. Yeast infection started when I actually stated menstruating – men I hate

And my first bladder infection manifested when I broke up with the so-called love of my life and started fooling around again. And yes it feels like being defeated and not in control of anything. I remember that I was at some time so pumped with antibiotics that even those didn’t cure it anymore and that my piss was drenched with blood and I was on a plane and crying. I post phoned my flight already for some days b/c of the infection and when I was on board of it the infection manifested again very unexpected and this time more painful than ever. I had tucked myself underneath a blanket crying and really wanted to die in that moment– drama queen as I was 😛

So definitely defeat/being defeated/what did I do wrong are the words as experience that stayed with me, seeing it now in another light of wanting and desiring a relationship which will never be answered/met in any way was/is one of the points that has created the manifestation of the bladder infection. Which is in essence self-abuse.

So within these words “defeat/being defeated/what did I do wrong?” I can absolutely relate to a being’s integration into this world to an absolute degree. Other wise one would not experience oneself like this. Also within:  “What did I do wrong?” is holding a belief of a higher being where one must obey to, to get a reward.

So self defeat/being defeated to an absolute degree where one is accepting and allowing the state of oneself and this world as an unchangeable fact. Fascinating that I manifested bladder infection only after the age of 28 – so it actually makes sense in terms of when I was leaving D I had given up on my dreams, my fights, my spark of life within me. I submitted completely and utterly, and the integration into this world was complete. The  exchange of life for systems just like money currency exchange, I exchanged life for love and love for sex=money and so it was complete. Closed cycle, closed system.

The physical can’t sustain such pressure of systems and will get sick or manifest illness and diseases it will annihilate oneself through the extensive abuse of self as I see/understand now and eventually one will get serious sick and manifest serious illnesses. I have seen it within myself I had a lump with a diagram of 4 cm and 8 cm long within my body. It has been removed a year ago and still physically not stabilised within this point.

I was crying when I saw and realised the extensive self abuse of what we allow/accept and that  we walk every illness into creation by our own doing.

The lump got removed last year b/c I thought it would assist me to remove such a big lump and it was becoming painful as well. It actually didn’t change the pain and the pressure for a bit. Only now after walking the recent change which i decided upon  and after lots of mostly painful massages my body is releasing the waste which was stored inside my muscle tissue.

Before the above surgery I removed a lump in my eye that was manifested there since my first pregnancy and I had many lumps in both eyes yet one remained. So I had surgery and it immediately manifested itself back- lol it was quite frustrating yet I could ‘see’ how through my own participation I created this lump into being. LoL

Namely it was my ‘concern’ about what others would think about me so it was so immediate that I had to realign this point through extensive Self Forgiveness and walk the correction. Then I ‘forgot’ about this point and I felt my eye some day and noticed that the lump was gone. So this was a small point in terms of a small manifestation and traceable where it originated from. During my pregnancy I was very much concerned of what other where thinking about me especially in the point of my upcoming motherhood.So that was a cool experience to walk through. So I see it now more of an expansion of me walking the correction of already manifested body points.

2010 Change

Something has changed

when being with the children, I ‘see’ the play out especially when Z gets home from a play date when she is still resonating all the imprints she has been exposed to she isn’t yet here so to speak .

Then what happens is that I get tired, physically tired, very tired.Its like being drawn into ‘something’. Where I use to respond  as in an act of automated reactive behaviour I now get physically tired. I sometimes slip into reacting-automated, yet I am able to stop and immediately Direct me I stabilise myself I let it go. I ‘see’  it now like a structure where ‘I’ play a part which is resonating without any real  substance to it.

Which is a word that is with me lately: Substance


Having no Substance

I have no actual words to describe it yet – but its very much within my awareness how little I actually really experience/ live as and in the physical as me/us/all here. Everything is within the structure without Real Substance, all the ingredients are here we are using it all, I mean we eat , we eat substance yet we dont have a clue what the real physical expression of food actually is and what surprises me the most that its here, and always has been here as me – lol

Same with sex, we do our thingy yet we do it within the structure utilising and actually abusing the body being blind for TOUCH and what touch is actually all about. TOUCH became sex and that is a empty fake experience it doesn’t have any substance – lol

It actually ‘came’ to me when doing the ‘exercises’ given by the resonances where I was working with food. Holding it as me where ‘it’ stepped forth so effortlessly and it was/is enjoyable to ‘see’ and enjoy substance, our physical reality as such

I always get in a void when the resonances ask me to expand on definitions or words of the description I have given. Yet I see that within this lies the opportunity to slow down, which isn’t that scary anymore. lol  And it gives me the opportunity to see and ‘find’ the words that comes with it, to describe what I see which is the next step to walk.

Today I actually ‘saw’ within someone the expression of slowing down and then I stand one and equal as it and become it as me which I can expand on explore as well. Its the same with other expression that I experience around me which I admire or adore or simple enjoy! I Stand one and equal as it and within this bypass the mind in one single moment! Which is very cool – to become aware of me here as physical expression.

So cool

Expansion and exploration of this point will establish as I walk

It has to do with the decision I currently walking into being and re- discover myself its like many ‘bodies’ ‘layers’ ‘veils’ has disappeared and I feel lighter, and everything is brighter yes, I experience myself less heavy. More up to ‘things’. So cool

Only in retrospective I can see how I neglected ‘myself’ and how deeply I have been in the/a hypnotized state by believing that I am of the structure with no substance to it – fake life.

I found myself back, something I though was lost along the way and actually wasn’t even aware that it was this very experience of myself that I lost. Really we are such a stupid lost  beings.Its not even disheartening anymore – its just plain stupidity and the more peopel wake up the faster we can move.

The point I couldn’t give up/see wasn’t able to grasp easily evolved around money that one point I was holding on to – no judgement. I see it all around me, how all are hypnotised and thus defined by money =survival.

The decision established self trust in trusting myself to always walk in the best interest of all and realising that my way applied is only serving the delusion of self, so I let it go no matter what. Its not serving all then it must go and be corrected. and that pushing oneslef to the limit is quite rewarding and not scary but enjoyable because it gives a freaking lot of satisfaction – I mean equality is FUN
I see, I correct,I walk aligned what is best for all and be an absolute perfectionist while doing so. It must be 100% flawless – 1+1=2