2010 Push push push

Push push push

Ok this point needs to be pushed yet I am not getting to the point where I push it into complete awareness I am still dragging myself through the day postponing looking at it in depth.

I am very reluctant to dig into it – a wall of resistance is within me as me it keeps me in a trap not  that ‘it’ traps me I trap myself within ‘it’ yet I experience ‘it’ as a ‘It’ which does not exist b/c the resistance is ‘me’ and created by ‘me’ and maintained by ‘me’.

‘Me’ as the automated mother is the horror in action, yet today I saw actually within full blast how my mother couldn’t help herself she had to do and act out what she acted out as a mother  b/c it was automated as her it was designed as such and yeah resistance was futile.

I start to see glimpses of this automated me as a mother and hell no its not a pretty sight. That what one has become yet is not able to see b/c one is living it.

I will not allow myself to submit to this wall of resistance I experience I will walk and pull the point through into awareness into alignment.

Well, It only stops when I stop.

more on mother matrix design and its play out later

Ok that’s it for now.


2010 Writing myself to freedom Daily writings-working with a dream

Monday 26 sept. 2010

Ok an other dream some days ago

Dream about being needy for male companionship

I arose with the feeling of being in need of a boyfriend b/c I dreamt about it.

I was in a big old house , probably it was my own house which needed a lot of renovation and deconstruction. I was walking around moving myself through rubble desperately waiting for my boyfriend to arrive. And I was devastated this experience stayed very much with me like how the fuck can I make something out of this mess without a man?

I was also carrying a child/toddler. At the moment the boyfriend arrived I saw that I didn’t actually ‘needed’ one in the first place and that I could do without.

Zina was with me as well- well the children were presence in the dream.

As I was walking around in that house I was a bit afraid as well being alone especially in relation to the house and the maintenance that needed to be done, being dependant on a an man to do the job for me. And then in the dream I already saw like ok if this is your starting point, WTF are you doing??

The minute the ‘boyfriend’ walked in I wanted the bf to be gone as well like it’s completely obsolete to be with a guy, there was irritation as well in my dream.

So wanting and desiring it and then when it’s presented itself I reject it. Ok that’s a polarity trap where one is participating within.

This mind construct also revealed it self when working with the SRA lesson-Undergarment and within the feedback from the resonances. Its the exact same construct more accurately similar yet slightly different. It’s the sequence where one is participating within before one is actually having a steady relationship. The expectation faze when one will ‘hunt’ for one and then exercise this polarity trap.

Ok I feel ‘walled’ here – I experience resistance a block/wall b/c I can’t write the point out fluently.

Ok the point is here within me. Its also one of the points that need to be re-aligned and already busy walking this specific point within the SRA/ and- resonances. I will ‘stall’ this until we get to the corrective application faze within the lessons.

So I will have a direct cross-reference and specified understanding of the point so I will be efficient within the re-alignment of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blank out when looking at this specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have full access to the information that is running as me within the structure of consciousness and experience a wall when looking into this specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand this state of blankness when looking into this specific point within myself.

Ok I see that this is something I dot want to publish in public so basically I don’t want to share this with others. So secret mind stuff so it must be a self-definition something I still hold unto to, obviously.

Fascinating is that along the way – what I start seeing and gain some insight about is that when one is clinging unto as the perceived ‘me’ ‘I’, is in essence all ‘presenting’ itself the same.One starts seeing the point/becoming aware, then start looking into the point, then a  wall of resistance is there for one to face and walk through until the alignment is completed. SRA and muscle communication are assisting with this process quite specifically and the procedures as the lessons. To speed up ones process – I actually wouldn’t have been able to walk such points without support& assistance.

So basically one can come to a point of self honesty alone yet one must have the ability to cross-reference points, the principle of “where two or more are walking in my name” applies here , other wise one can never be ‘sure’ and continues guessing and assuming about what is real.

ok will share here when more opens up

2010 Daily writings-writing out my day

Saturday 25 September 2010

writing out my day


Today I spend the day with the girls no fever feeling a lot better, starting to physically stabilize which is cool!

So some points that came up today while I am stabilizing. I became aware that I want to spend my weekend here with the kids, ad when I am not with them I also want to stay at home. I have been all over the place visiting a friend almost every weekend for the last two months or so. And it was very cool to be able to do so!

I felt like a relief within me not having to run from one spot to another and being in a constant unpacking/packing modus  which is not something I prefer. It brings a lot of unecessary adjustments that must be made while  I am walking now a physical process of change. So in self honestly I stay here and get physically stabilized, work through the ‘urgent’points through writing and do what practically needs be done.

So that’s cleared

Fascinating how M experienced himself while he was at my place for the first time it was almost like he was jetlagged he experienced himself completely dis orientated and me being sick I wasn’t in the position to stand as the stabililty point.

I mean I have seen ‘disorientation’ in many people when I was still working in the holiday business when people arrived they were all traumatized by leaving their comfort zone – lol

That’s how we are programmed – we first need to stabilize and I know from experience that I am most of the time am doing that very fast, its not a self willed quality so to speak it is just within my base programming. It’s also a characteristic of my blood type B- Nomads. So naturally fast to adept to new situation for survival and given that my heritage stems from Mongols it must be on the seed already. Ok this aside.

So what came up as well the kids and how I find it so absolutely accepted that I do certain things and have certain personality traits and find this normal e.g. being ok with them watching movies yet I also see emerging within this that its convenient for me so I can have breakfast or so something else without them asking for attention. I also see guilt like now I am a bad mother or asking myself whether I should do so. Well when I spend tiem with them ist always quite enjoyable. Oh I saw it within the point of them taking ballet lessons and that I am always leaving and I asked myself why don’t I stay and enjoy that time with them? Or at least ones so I know what the lesson is all about. Just a simple question, seemingly a innocent action yet It shows me that I am in certain points especially the ones I take for granted as in not taking them into account as being important- I see that I do so b/c I don’t know how I should do it other wise actually b/c I didn’t scripted this for myself and I don’t have an example. Fascinating, really.

Lou is a bit on the “I try you” and is manipulating and playing around with it a lot. Whenever I have been sick and not with the girls for some time it takes me a while especially with Lou to re-align her with me again. She’s so witty and I almost must laugh about her ways – yet not acceptable and she knows this. Yet her range of looking for how far she can stretch it is something she is exploring and expanding on big time. Sigh – lol

I called my father today and he was sounding really defeated and I became sad not as an all consuming sadness yet I was slightly there. He is going to die and he said that this time it won’t take that long any more. I could hear it in his voice he is tired, he isn’t able to get sufficient air in his lungs anymore due to his illness. And he is tired of fighting – probably better that he will leave here. I actually do not know what I experience – no words

When talking to him I felt tears in my eye they didn’t came – now they are here. B once said that when someone dies in your world you morn other wise you will get sick- it makes sense ones system has accumulated so much information around this point that it must be released. Shoot everything is an orgasm. L

My ex mother in law is sick as well she suffers from cancer she’s in the hospital already for some time now and within her I saw that she became the point of illness so completely. She suffered from breast cancer and later on lung cancer manifested as well.

Breast related to self-nurturing and Lungs to family and the illness to anger. Yeah the mcs eating the flesh through permission – quite a vast point we must walk through within this.

So while I was sick seriously sick I stopped everything called mo and he was immediately instantly taking responsibility taking care for the kids, cooking and school wise. Which I today was very freaking grateful for and I text him to let him know. He text me back and I had tears and shivers. And a emotional body release – I can observe this now through my wrist when they are burning/warm and the back of my hands. I am so freaking grateful that I have a back up in terms of practical support with the kids when I am not able to take care of them. So cool to have this support, it must be and is in essence the same with all the youngsters living at home being in many ways supported to walk their process until they are willing themselves to stand on their own feet also depending on age. So yeah also within this I expand on understanding how this is working. Also to distinguish the difference between allowing dependency from a self-dishonest starting point or from self-support, that’s within each self honest path to walk.

Today when being in the store buying clothes for Zina I was observing the way the store manager was assisting me and I became aware of a over doing myself allowing myself to get dragged along with a certain pace. So I stopped – lol .

I was actually fascinated by the way she was expressing herself it was so robotic, repetitive obsessive like really digging and loading information while she was going through the cloths racks – yep fascinating

although I like her a lot hmm

In shops I find it still very hard to do so, stopping I mean and remain here. Yet I bought freaking everything I needed! And didn’t allowed myself to go along/drift of yet stayed focused- lol

Well as long one can do so b/c the minute you step into a store you lock into the gridline structure of it and then all the jungle gyms and rods – of course this is all knowledge and information – lol

I think that dimensionally it must be high traffic with all those structures and systems. hehehe

Ok go sleep now – die well and tomorrow I start all over

2010 From knowledge to corrective application immediate in the moment – NO DELAY

automation to application – learning a new skill

I realize that the ‘layer’ where I am looking at I have suppressed extensively within me. And that’s the bold actuality of the real me – that what I didn’t yet wanted to see into clarity into pulling the point completely through into taking REAL note of the point which I already was seeing. This is unacceptable and must be clarified, how and why, where, when, what. Or immediate go into corrective application I know that I can walk this.

Instead of ‘figuring’ everything out which is delaying in time and given myself a choice in essence thus deception subtle self-manipulation

Its what I see as knowledge but now I need to pull it through to the point of immediately living seeing/knowledge into corrective application.  Delay the time between corrective actions and seeing and make this immediate in the moment here equal and one

What assist as well is to consider equal and one the kids and me in every moment and what is in the moment what serves the greater good that what we us must manifest as such what we walk into creation. That’s what assists me to consider them to take them in as me as the expansion of me and from there speak, act, walk, breath