In- to- me- I- fear is more of a accurate description how I lived this definition of intimacy. Being intimate was always connected to someone else, something or someone out there, holding a promise of events to come, action to be taken. Hope of something always including someone else, always overlooking me, I as Here.
In- to- me- I- fear
How am I holding /living/expressing this word as me? So what I have found within me that I never actually allowed myself to live in-to-me-I-see as an actualised expression of me here. I didn’t yet allowed myself to act upon what I was seeing within me, acting upon the actual living real reality of me.
To see and understand myself without judgment or suppression of what I see, to look unconditionally at the rawness of real experience within, that what’s suppressed, the ‘I’ that is lived into being, that part that ‘I’ deem as bad, scary, deny that what is categorised as ‘Restricted’ area, that what is kept hidden and what is experienced as not preferable to surface.
I see that suppression is an automated response off walking in my reality/world – currently walking this into awareness and understanding so I can let go of the old.
What opened up and which I start to understand is the unresolved part of ‘me’ within relationships. I’m walking the unresolved parts of me within the rawness and realness of the suppressed REAL experience within. I’ll start with me in relation to relationship.(This is also currently what we are walking in the ‘I’ Process within the SRA course section Mind Construct) I allow myself to spend time with me so to speak, getting to know me, myself and how I exist within the suppressed parts of me which I’ve categorized as ‘bad’.
I overlooked the initial step -of Self -Intimacy in relation to relationships completely.
Its about getting to know self first, getting familiar with ‘me’ first, what did I actually accept and allow as me within me and how does this play out, how do I act this out? Instead of running off again, instead of running to someone to live the word Intimacy as In-To-ME- I- FEAR when not directed recreating the past over and over again. Eventually Expressing itself through asking another: “Be intimate with me!” Demanding from another what I’m not able to give to myself because I’ve never allowed myself to Live Self Intimacy as an actualised expression of self, as a living physical giving action.
To build a real REALationship with Self first is what it takes! To get to a clear understanding of myself without holding any point back. To walk through every fear or resistance that I’m holding onto in order to prevent myself to dig deeper into me, getting to know me the core of me, stand naked, all self judgements and all cards on the table, to enable self to go to the darkness within.
Taken from my Daily writings 02/02/11
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