2011 Intimacy – I n t I m a c y – In- to–me–I-See

In- to- me- I- fear is more of a accurate description how I lived this definition of intimacy. Being intimate was always connected to someone else, something or someone out there, holding a promise of events to come, action to be taken. Hope of something always including someone else, always overlooking me, I as Here.


In- to- me- I- fear


How am I holding /living/expressing this word as me? So what I have found within me that I never actually allowed myself to live in-to-me-I-see as an actualised expression of me here. I didn’t yet allowed myself to act upon what I was seeing within me, acting upon the actual living real reality of me.

To see and understand myself without judgment or suppression of what I see, to look unconditionally at the rawness of real experience within, that what’s suppressed, the ‘I’ that is lived into being, that part that ‘I’ deem as bad, scary, deny that what is categorised as ‘Restricted’ area, that what is kept hidden and what is experienced as not preferable to surface.

I see that suppression is an automated response off walking in my reality/world – currently walking this into awareness and understanding so I can let go of the old.

What opened up and which I start to understand is the unresolved part of ‘me’ within relationships. I’m walking the unresolved parts of me within the rawness and realness of the suppressed REAL experience within.  I’ll start with me in relation to relationship.(This is also currently what we are walking in the ‘I’ Process within the SRA course section Mind Construct) I allow myself to spend time with me so to speak, getting to know me, myself and how I exist within the suppressed parts of me which I’ve categorized as ‘bad’.

I overlooked the initial step -of Self -Intimacy in relation to relationships completely.

Its about getting to know self first, getting familiar with ‘me’ first, what did I actually accept and allow as me within me and how does this play out, how do I act this out? Instead of running off again, instead of running to someone to live the word Intimacy as In-To-ME- I- FEAR when not directed recreating the past over and over again. Eventually Expressing itself through asking another: “Be intimate with me!” Demanding from another what I’m  not able to give to myself because I’ve never allowed myself  to Live Self Intimacy as an actualised expression of self, as a living physical giving action.

To build a real REALationship with Self first is what it takes! To get to a clear understanding of myself without holding any point back. To walk through every fear or resistance that I’m holding onto in order to prevent myself to dig deeper into me, getting to know me  the core of me, stand naked, all self judgements and all cards on the table, to enable self to go to the darkness within.

Taken from my Daily writings 02/02/11

Learn more on Mind Construct: http://www.desteniiprocess.com/


2011 The Era of Eros-Desire as Addiction

I Perceive and experience Sweetness as the point of self nurturing through a construct within the structure. I ‘lose’ myself within this specific experience as perceived sweetness.

This point is automated as me I did not yet walked this point into clarity it has multiple dimensions/layers to it.

When shopping yesterday I observed how I was automatically drifting off through projecting automated wants/needs/desires for a relationship. This is part of desiring a relationship being automated and addicted to participate within these projections, pertaining wants, needs, fantasies, projections and what not.

How is it being ignited? Among things Through walking in my world/reality automatically locking into pictures, graphics, symbols and from there automatically spiral into a mind construct of desire or more accurately a possession of mind.

So I actually start becoming aware of how I now utilise pictures, graphics, symbols to ignite wants and needs and so on to generate energy – something to participate within. It could actually have been anything. Yet at this stage most prominently is desire.

I ‘enjoy’ experiencing myself as such, I am addicted to this perceived experience of myself. I have given it high value and importance to experience myself within this perceived experience of self. I’m addicted to it a junk, actually nothing beats this experience- not sex; masturbation nor drugs. It’s within this allowance and drifting off to projections of me ‘there’, because it pertains hope and a future that will never be lived.

The whole construct and me participation within it is irrational and I use reason, logic to justify my participation and thus not acceptable. I can’t accept not to trust myself within this point. I didn’t yet opened this point up and I will through writing and walking it, to get to the nitty- gritty of it, all cards on the table.

Getting to know me, before I am off to ‘someone’ out ‘there’ again to distract myself from what is real.

I don’t give a fuck about another person within the above construct because I want what I want and the person is only placed within this position to keep the construct in place. Even when one is in a relationship one is exercising within it- someone out ‘there’ to dream about, to linger for to drift off to projections and shit like that.

So its not even to be off to someone again – the other doesn’t even exist that person only exist within my head. Actually only within a closed boxed where I then locked into, all of me contained within a box of projections,fantasies, ideas and so on.

The thing is I didn’t yet consider nor saw all implications of my individual participation and how this is the fore stage/fore play of ending up married with children, and isn’t this exactly what we are all from a very early age desire? To end up with someone either looking for an ultimate sexual experience or what ever we make up within our irrational reasoning to chase who ever we want what ever we want whenever we want no matter the consequences of our actions.

Dangerous shit when you don’t know where you are dealing with and not know who you are within it what you do, and really completely unnecessary!

This is how we bring children into being.

This starting point is fucked up and we must change and de-engineer ourselves, no parent wants to bring this about yet we’re all living it into being by simple participating within the ‘smallest’ point of desiring to be with someone.

Desire should be on the list of mental disorders – those who ‘suffer’ from such mental disorder cant be trusted with Life.

I can tell cause I have been such person myself the thing is that whether the world is burning or not you actually don’t give a fuck because you are trapped within the Era of Eros and grateful for what actually? That you found what actually? That you are married with children and now what? That you have sex on a regular basis, that you have a steady relationship?  I mean WTF, how many people ‘cheat’ on their partner? how many people leave their partner to get something ‘better’ in return. I mean that in itself should already show how fucked up this chase for such perceived experience is. To desire such a thing because in actuality  it doesn’t exist it only exist within ones head and the rawness of the physical reality will never meet that whats inside your head and you will freaking fucking never be satisfied because within the Eara of Eros such a point doesn’t exist within the physical reality.Thats the factuality of it.

Time to get Real:

Show the way to be the way and live the way into being for the children and the children yet to come


2011 Response to Cathy’s blog post: Who Have You Been Or Become In The Name Of Money? Married!

I found within me that I got married because of securing the money point and I wasn’t even aware of it, it took me a while to understand what and how I placed/positioned this point and how securing the money point within my world came about.

It showed me that the ‘way’ that leads to marriage/relationship is wrapped up nicely as experiences and energetic addictions such as desire, love, sex, lust, partnership, companionship, dreams, ideas, perceptions, assumptions, fantasies, projections and what not all meticulously placed to make-up/ to secure the money point.

Through relationships/marriage we eventually fuck ourselves a way into the family construct to produce children as clones for the preservation of the world system and through this we keep the heart=money of the system alive and kicking.

By not seeing nor being aware of its design and why its designed and placed as such makes us easy sheep for the system to survive because we are controlled by our desires and needs to be with that other one instead of being One.

The need/want/desire for sex or wanting to find the right guy/girl Is such a ‘normal’ accepted expression of our ‘nature’ that we don’t even question this very nature yet its something we need to question to find the answers to ourselves! We never allowed ourselves to actually question to investigate the real experience of desire as addiction, because no one wants to give up his or her ‘lolly pop’.

Desire and need for the one to spend your life with will lead you being caught and trapped and enslaved in the total design of this reality!

You must actually think twice before you jurk off or loose yourself in daydreaming about the one, or both activities at the same time – all right?

What a total waste of time!

So time to stop this recycling of the past and get to know one self!

You simple Join us at the Desteni ‘I’ Process. Where we take the ‘I’ on and investigate and study who ‘I’ is in relation to relationships.

“It is the process of the ‘I’ in this world. As Humans we exist as the ‘I’ – the “who am ‘I’”, the “how am ‘I’”, the “why am ‘I’”, the “what am ‘I’”, the “where am ‘I’” – All the questions about the ‘I’ “

So the ‘I’ can meet the ‘I’, eye to eye – and see for oneself what remains of ‘I’, ok! that’s it.


Link to Cathy’s Blog, check it out!!