Sunday 26 September 2010
I was together with my sister and her husband and we were at my place which was in my dreams a huge place. So my sister and her husband where lighting a cigarette while being on their way outside. I started to become anxious about it. I said you guys aren’t supposed to smoke inside the house. Yet they were making excuses that they were on their way outside so the act was somehow less of smoking inside – lol
So when looking at it later on I was a bit amazed about how I felt anxious about instead of telling them to put the cigarette out ( if that’s the appropriate expression)So actually waiting and getting all anxious about something I could have walked quite effortlessly, so where in my world do I do so? Exactly! Within seemingly small points when being with others.
Then when we were outside I was somehow in an argument with them and I felt very angered/annoyed inside of the misunderstanding. Probably this locks into a conversation I had yesterday with my sister wherein I was inviting her over for zina’s birthday yet she wasn’t able to come and how I probably was reacting towards this resonantly and then allowed myself to listen to her ways of why she was already occupied and the details of her other appointment and from the old ways I just know that I am absolutely not interested in her stories about people I don’t know I will never met and her detailed agenda/ personal schedule.
It always bothers me when people start name dropping and talking about people whom I will probably never met and I also don’t see the relevancy of mentioning them into such specific detail. M a friend of mine is always doing so and a girl friend of mine has always been doing this as well. And making this also into the main topic the conversation evolves around.
Hmm isn’t yet clear to me what actually is that I am reactive towards.
To go back to the conversation I had with my sister I see a point of distracting attention, from not being able to attend the birthday to sharing the reasons why and then making that into the main topic to talk about. And then I (always) allow the conversation to end up lead by my sister and I allow her to actually dump all that verbal garbage and excuses at me.
So I basically said ok I need to go! Good luck with finding a school for your son b/c somehow her rant ended up there and that was actually what I picked up and then I hung up.
So basically when people are or to be more specifically when I allow others to take control of the conversation in terms of not cutting it clear that I am not interested to talk about such stuff or to be absolute specific I am not interest nor allow to listen to it actually – lol especially with her I always allow to much of that verbal bs. So cool must be clear on this point when I see where its heading I stop and simple end the conversation it isn’t serving me nor her. Through allowing such seemingly small point of compromise I am weakening myself constantly and actually imprison her/others together with me as well.
And I know one thing absolutely sure – that what doesn’t stand in the smaller cant and will never stand in the bigger
There is definitely more to it which is shifting from the words not being able to attend and then to hearing excuses her taking the lead within the conversation and then I become annoyed yet this is now very much resonantly b/c I feel what is the word as experience here? Neglected/left out/ Abused?
I diminished myself instantly through irritation and when I bring it back here I felt also ‘melancholic’ shortly after and feeling slightly alone, and in need of company which I rarely have within this specific mind construct manifestation or to go shortly I hardly experience myself as this.
Ok I will do a session on this