2009 adoption experience

Re-reading my SF lines I see that my whole experience of myself, the ‘me’ that is automated is definitely shaped through this experience of being an adoptee.

images-1

I also see that I have ingrained and infused with all self-definitions, perceptions and ideas I have and had about adoption and live now in actuality

Feelings of being lost

Feeling abandoned

Feelings of not being part of the whole

Feelings of being doomed

Finding a reason a purpose why I had to go through this experience

Believing in a god out there

Believing in a big plan and so on

I don’t particularly like writing and digging into it at all, I really have to push myself to allocate and identify these self-definition points within myself related to my adoption. To address them to allocate them is self supporting self! It’s an allocation/identifying exercise for myself

I recently had this experience of myself were I was walking in town and suddenly it ‘came over me’ this feeling of being utterly lost. I see that it all stems from my adoption experience and how I shaped it into this version of myself I am currently living as ‘me’. This feeling of ‘being lost’ is not even directly related to a thought of being adopted oh no it has become an imprint I resonate it as me. ‘Activated’ throughanything a picture, a symbol, without even being able to catch the trigger point.

I specifically relate it back to being an adoptee and how my parents, my sphere of influence showed me the ability to respond to this event through the input like answers to questions about my adoption experience, by observing this world towards my adoption experience and so on and adapted and adopeted  this input as me

Advertisements

2009 Failure and Falling and Moving on

“So I fucked up, I failed  I ‘missed’ the opportunity to transcend this specific point”
Points to ponder by B: “Do not define self by fuckups and failures”


Ok this I see is a trap as well failure as a self- definition point which contains of thoughts like: “I am a failure” ; “I always fuck up!”

Self Corrective statements:
When I fail I realize  who I am, I’m not defined through it.
When I Fuck up I allow myself to realize how I exist, I’m not defined by it.